Hi there! I saw the Bat signal in my inbox and came as quick as I could. As usual,
@koolman69420 I don´t know whether to be flattered or to be utterly disappointed in what my life has amounted to... anyways.
@Bob Maplethorpe you have come to the right place to ask this question. Medicine, including the use of substances (drugs) is touted so heavily as a science, it is easy to get confused by the incredibly complex, abstract nature of the course of physical tolerance, dependence, addiction and the unique subjective experiences of each user. These all converge into a concept that many find hard to define or recognize. I believe the knowledge comes simply with repeated personal experiences, learning from research and my peers and a desire to know.
First off, tolerance is in some ways quite linear. We know factually that more Opioids, more frequently, in a normal functioning human will lead to increased tolerance, dependence etc. When we take into account the factor of time and the typical path of users as they go up, down, off, on and off again, that is what becomes abstract. When we take into account these factors, we start to see what I describe as an ¨elastic¨ quality to the user´s path.
A rubber band stretches and returns to its normal state, undamaged. You can stretch it a little bit all day and still, it can snap back to its normal state. This is like taking Opioids intermittently. You maybe take them two days in a row, then a week off, use for a day, take two weeks off. Well, we don´t have a lot of data for this scenario as it is basically unheard of for a person to use like this indefinitely. This rubber band, if you stretch it a little bit too far, it snaps back, but you notice it has lesions from the stretching. These lesions in fact make the rubber band weaker, so that same stretch causes even more damage, so on and so on.
That rubber band is always going to snap back, but if it is damamged, it will remain damaged despite seeming to function in the same normal way. This is how chronic Opioid use affects us. You may spend months with the notion that you´re snapping back to normal. It is a slow process, the expanding and the shrinking.
After a while, typically a couple of years, the Kindling Effect becomes apparent. Each time you use, gain tolerance, withdraw and begin using again, the entire process is sped up and made more intense. You will gain tolerance faster, your withdrawal will become more intense. There is an end stage of this for all of us.
In the end, following 15 years of Heroin use (the same thing can happen to a person within a few years of heavy use) I could go from complete abstinence, could be days, weeks or months (I have gone 1.5 years clean in the midst of this 15 year period, same exact thing happened when I went back) you can gain a full, complete habit/dependency in 2-3 days of using. You will feel good the first couple of days. The first shot will feel great. Day two will be like 30%-50% as good. Day 3 you do your first shot and you get a little rush, 15 minutes later you are complacent, terrified knowing you just restarted hell for a couple days of kicks. Following that, you essentially get know euphoria from the drug. Most of the ¨pleasure¨ begins to come from Pavlovian programming; the idea that you have firmly in your head that More Opioids = More Happy. The relief from feelings of withdrawal begins to become you´re only euphoria and it´s a fucking sad one.
It is my belief that a lot of junkies are in actuality, afraid to come to terms with this. To admit to themselves that every day of their life, they are questing after a drug that no longer makes them feel good. As it is now the only instrument of ¨good¨ in your life, you have no skills of self-soothing, no friends, no hobbies, the Opioids are all you got. Your life is already a nightmare of lies, stealing and dishonesty. To then admit to yourself that you have nothing... nothing left, that is why I feel older junkies continue with the ¨yea this stuff is my best friend, it´s heaven on Earth¨. The Truth would literally crush whatever is left of them.
I say this is THE path because it is the only path with Opioids. Despite the abstract nature of our discussion, the end result is always the same. I am not a DARE officer or a fear monger. I will always help people who make the decision to use drugs. However, if you ask me straight up what is happening to you, I´m not going to sugar coat it because that is not my purpose here.
What you are experiencing is absolutely text-book normal for chronic Opioid dabbling. What you are experiencing, we all have experienced. The only options you have now are:
Immediately cease using Opioids. You can keep them for special occasions and maybe use them once a week. More like every 10 days. Then, it is possible that you could continue to have Opioids in your life for when you need relief from life´s troubles. However, it is pretty uncommon for any person to actually use Opioids in this manner. It is a nice idea, but in 99% of cases I have ever encountered in my life, it always comes down to not using at all or using every day. I don´t like it any more than you do. If you find a clan of responsible dope fiends who have doctorates and adopted Vietnamese babies in gifted programs at school, please, let us know. Perhaps they can teach us their arcane knowledge.
The other option is to stop. You do need to stop. The decision of how and when you are going to is up to you. Just know, it absolutely gets harder the deeper you go. The good feelings will continue to fade. The dependency and addiction will increase. It is up to you. We can talk plenty about other people. You have to know yourself first my friend. Be honest with yourself about your feelings, your desires and your hopes. I had a lot of fun using Heroin. It was great. However, I reached a point in my life where it was either going to destroy me or I was going to evolve. I told people proudly that I would use Heroin every day until I died. However, I had never experienced love at that point in my life; a reason to be a good person. You need to find that.
If you want to talk, I always meet people where they are at and I never force my philosophy on them. We can talk about options and what to expect. If I don´t hear from you, good luck my friend.
