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Open Relationships/ Friends with Benefits

Monkeybizness

Monkeybizness

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 19, 2009
Messages
811
Location
In The Sky
so i have been surfing BL for the past few months . sex love and relationship is my fav.

reading our fellow blue-lighters threads and post, i have seen lots of post and threads on open relationships , im a little old school aside from my age 22, and find open relationships from what i have read and understood, to be sort of pointless.

i am currently in an amazing beautiful relationship ,
but when i was single i was a man eater you can more or less say ;) i was a naughty girl and loved no rules, no commitments, just doing as i please always!, and saving my heart and emotion for that right person,

when single i always had my guys but it was a friends with benefits thing , i do me and go about my way after i see you and you do like wise .,

but this open relationships now and days ...
i dont understand , i would like to hear some insight on to how they work


ARE YOU REALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP?
DO YOU REALLY TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?
DO YOU CARE FOR THE PERSON (LOVE)?

now seeing both side , the single and now being in a relationship , i dont understand how you can be with a person you love and BE OK WITH SHARING HIM/HER. i would NEVER do that with my boyfriend i love him so much the jealously would drive me up the wall ..


NOW ....
WHY NOT BE SINGLE / FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ?

i feel like this you can avoid alot of mixed feeling that can occur and heart break ..


good or bad , if you agree with me or not, i wanna hear some insight , maybe a better understanding of an open relationship .
 
Currently I just have friends with benefits. We care for each other, enjoy each other's company, are attracted to each other (I think), and so on, but we're not in love. We wouldn't make a good couple. However, if I'm in a proper loving relationship, which can be a very special thing, I want commitment. I couldn't stand the thought of the person I love seeing other people. They say love is the drug... and it's true. Nothing beats being in love.
 
I'm greedy and don't like to share my personal source of closely gratifying human companionship :p even if I'm just 'seeing someone' - monogamy has emerged as a pre-requisite in my ripe old age.

Friends with benefits is nice - but boring, and essentially lacking in the one thing that makes sex exciting for me - emotional intimacy.
 
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depends on how close you are to someone hyroller. I'm more strongly bonded to many friends (male and female) then I have been to some GF's... its a different so of emotional intimacy, but none the less very real.

Actually, my best friend is probably closer to me then anyone...alas, he's not of my sexual preference genderwise :P. But my point is, emotional bonds don't have to be romance to be strong and genuine bonds with someone.
 
Yeah, that's standard... often being closer to one's platonic friends than to their partners. but I don't want to sleep with any of my friends... lol

or else they'd be lovers.

when you can synergise both friendship and sexual activity to an extent where they are mutually meaningful... well, this is a special sort of thing <3
 
delightfuldelusion said:
Understandably open or poly relationships aren't for every one. For some a soulmate and deep committed relationship could indeed only happen between to two people. Just the thought of having multiple partners can push the push the 'jealously button'. And i believe there is nothing wrong with choosing that lifestyle.

However i must say i am not one of these people. Personally I sit on the other side of the fence, for me my desired relationship, is one in which is one in which both parties are free to explore and express there sexuality with others. Does it mean that i love them any less? Absolutely not. Love is subjective, the way we give it and the way we receive it is different for all. For me i can love more than one at a time, and that doesn't mean having to cut my love in half and share it out.

As for jealousy is this not a concern in any relationship? Wether you're 'friends w. benefits' 'monogamous' 'poly', we all set up out own rules with our partners in some ways. Some monogamous couples hate there partners 'checking a girl/guy out' on the street, others don't find anything wrong with it.

All in all i don't think there is a NORMAL, PROPER, or REAL relationship. We are all just a bunch of people looking to enjoy love sex and relationships as best we can.

Hope this answers your questions Monkeybizness!
Click to expand...

Thanks for your input.
Now a few questions ,
After being in an open relationship with your SO for a while don't you gain strong emotional attachment.?jealousy?

now mind u I am not jealous at all, I LOVE it when girls look at my SO it even turns me on, we talk about how they would be in bed, if there hot or not
And consider a 3way (girl only) . Which we still have to experience. we get each other of.. i don't even wanna have sex with anyone else it doesn't even cross my mind. I wanna experiance things with him.

So my other question. Do u experience things only together , or you go your own separate ways and have sex with other people with out each other. ?
 
Well, all i can do personally is talk from experience if thats any help at all! I have been married now going on 9 years, but we have been together 'officially' for 12 years..our sex life is amazing, as is our relationship entirely..but he knows how much i enjoy sex, and being used so to say, and him not being overly dominant like i need at times, and he understands my personal views on 'serving' male friends of mine (male friends are all i really have ever had, i rarely if ever get on with other females apart from for sexual reasons) So the open relationship suited us quite well at different points in our relationship.. he has also joined in with me on threesomes and group 'play' a number of times..at the end of the day he knows without question hes the one who i come home to, curl up in bed with and love with every part of my being.. but he also understands i have always been polyamourous (spelling?), meaning i am capable of real love towards more than one person.. it did take my partner some time to realize that this didnt mean it diminished or took away from my love or feelings for him in any way.. Really the main thing i can say to the question you raised in this post, is its not a lifestyle choice for everyone, and some relationships either wouldnt handle something like that, or it would put that relationship in danger..but it always really depends on the people involved :)
 
i agree with hyroller dont you eventually end up getting attached to the so called friend your having sex with...if you like having sex with the person you obviously enjoy spending time with that person so doesn't the friends with benefits thing usually end up in relationship..which i dont really think will work because it was just all about sex to begin with i think a great relationship does start with friendship but not sex
 
I think all of us are capable of feeling love towards many people but we choose to suppress it for security reasons.

Personally, I like having a stable partner over having many casual flings, but I am sometimes tempted by other opportunities.
 
i know what she meant dude but serve them .. damn ..i wonder what the conversations when she gets home must be like "hey honey i just finished serving my friends up"...hows your day been?
 
I tend to get attached to who ever I'm sleeping with. But then again I only have sex with girls who I'd consider dating/girlfriend material. I really don't want who ever I'm seeing to be seeing anyone else, and even if they are I really wouldn't want to know. The thought of them fucking some other guy would probably weaken my attraction to them, its a total buzz kill.
 
The way I've always seen it is a bit like this ...

When I really care about someone who I'm seeing/sleeping with/in a relationship with, and I want to do everything I can to make sure their life is as good as possible and that I am doing as much as I can to make their life better, one of the things that I tend to feel is that if there is a way in which exploring relationships with people who aren't me could make them happy, then I would feel better if they felt as if they had the freedom to do that.

In other words, I really believe that starting new relationships with people is one of the best ways in which a person can progress in their life, learn about themselves, and generally improve as a person, not to mention have fun. So if I care about someone extremely deeply and want the best for them, it seems only intuitive for me that I should encourage that person to do whatever makes them feel vibrantly alive and joyful, and if that means having a sexual relationship with someone who isn't me, then at the very least we should talk about it together and see where our priorities lie in our relationship, and if our relationship can co-exist with the potential relationship that they're thinking about having in addition, then giving that a shot is worth considering. (If the two relationships CAN'T coexist, but my partner wants to pursue another person so much that they're willing to leave their relationship with me to do it, then it's only reasonable for us to talk about that like adults, and a couple of my relationships have definitely ended on good terms because we took the time to discuss this kind of thing in this way.)

Basically, when I get into a relationship, my TOP PRIORITY is encouraging my partner to find whatever it is in life that makes them the happiest and healthiest, and put as much of their energy as they can into it as often as they can. And I take that seriously, which means that if it looks like it might be true that their life could be significantly improved by having a relationship outside of their relationship with me, it's absolutely worth my while to look at the situation with serious consideration towards the possibility that, by making my partner happier, such an option might actually improve my relationship with them as well. I'd rather share a happy person with someone else than keep an anxious and sad one to myself.

Honestly, though, most of this is just about the fact that I have an EXTREMELY high level of emotional resiliency, self-reliance, and confidence in myself. I don't feel threatened when my partners show signs of interest in other people, because at this point in my life, I know that I'm at least a reasonably good partner and friend, and therefore, if my partner is looking at someone else, there must be a pretty good reason for it ... either something about that other person that's genuinely compelling, or something about my partner that makes them easily compelled. In other words, when my partner strays, I know that it's not about me (this is true for most of you guys too!) It's about what they want or need at that moment, and who is out there to give it to them, and as long as I don't tell myself "YOU have to be PERFECT for your partner, or else YOU are a FAILURE" (which is a ridiculous thing to tell yourself no matter what), I can look at the situation with a reasonable eye and hopefully see what my partner sees in their potential "other person," and make a mature choice as to how to handle the situation.

tl;dr I'm flexible and if my partner wants to see someone else, I'll discuss it with them like a rational adult.

I haven't addressed the issue of what happens when I want to see other people, but that's because that question really depends on who I'm with at any given point in time and it's not easily generalizable.
 
LOL sorry, should have explained the whole 'serving' thing.. not sure if any one knows about the lifestyle bdsm, but i have been a submissive to certain men throughout my adult years so far..so its usually pretty difficult for me to say no to those i am close to on a friend basis if they want, for example, head or a nice fuck..there have been a couple relationships in the past with the whole friends with benefits thing where it has ruined the friendship, but more often than not, i do this with friends i know are cool about it all and just enjoy it instead of taking things too far..and yes i serve coffee as well lol
 
Tessa, just out of curiosity, have you ever had friends who you're close with start to take advantage of your willingness to serve, to the point where you feel exploited/disrespected and don't want to serve them or be friends with them anymore?
 
hyroller said:
Yeah, that's standard... often being closer to one's platonic friends than to their partners. but I don't want to sleep with any of my friends... lol

or else they'd be lovers.

when you can synergise both friendship and sexual activity to an extent where they are mutually meaningful... well, this is a special sort of thing <3
Click to expand...

I suppose the ease/ability to do that depends heavily on the outlooks, views and morality regarding sex of the people involved. Its obviously not everyones view on it, but some have found places where the two cross very well and enjoyably.

disregard that, rangrz is the last dude who should be speaking of emotional bonds lol.
 
Open relationships I never understood either. I assume one would need to be in their comfot zone to do something like that. If you are not absolutely sure that your husband/boyfriend loves you and all, it can get ugly.

Friends with benifits I get but it can get complicated too. If you have sex with your bestfriend, what if it gets complicated and goes sour, are you willing to risk it all over sex?

I guess what I am trying to say is that I agree with rangrz, it depends on the person not everyone can do it and even some that think they can - can't and it ends up Brleah! It can be enjoyable if both parties are in their comfort zone and they don't have issues with guilt. If they don't live by their heart.

Meh what do I know.
 
Monkeybizness said:
Thanks for your input.
Now a few questions ,
After being in an open relationship with your SO for a while don't you gain strong emotional attachment.?jealousy?

now mind u I am not jealous at all, I LOVE it when girls look at my SO it even turns me on, we talk about how they would be in bed, if there hot or not
And consider a 3way (girl only) . Which we still have to experience. we get each other of.. i don't even wanna have sex with anyone else it doesn't even cross my mind. I wanna experiance things with him.

So my other question. Do u experience things only together , or you go your own separate ways and have sex with other people with out each other. ?
Click to expand...

Yeah i totally gain a strong emotional attachment to my SO's, but for some reason the idea of them having strong emotions or intimate relations with others doesn't seem to make me jealous. Like Pans-Advocate mentioned, to me "it seems only intuitive" to let someone that you love so much enjoy all of life experiences.

Having said that, no i don't wish to be involved with a SO's experience with others. We talk about our other experiences now and again, but when we are together i like it to be just about the two of us.
 
I wouldn't be able to handle an open relationship, but friends with benefits is just great. Except, yeah, it can get complicated really easily, and it did in my case, so I'm definately off those for a while lol.
 
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