• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

On being alone.

1

187coopa

Bluelighter
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
423
Anyone else share a similiar feeling to this?

I go about my day im in contact with people. Work random run in's with friends and acquaintances.
But at the end of the day and especially now I feel alone. It seems to be always at the back of my mind too.

I moved back home after me and the girl split. So its not like i live alone either but most of the time when at home i find myself alone on the computer or in my room.

I never see or have plans to do anything outside of work so its work run errands sit at home. All the while craving that social interaction i used to have but at the end turn down any invite or excuse to break the solitary routine ive become so ingrossed in.

Talked to my ex earlier tonight and it just made me feel even more lonely lol.

I know i know chin up get out there but something always holds me back.

Anyone else have a similiar experience How did you break the cycle or are you stuck just as i am.
 
I have been exactly like this for the last year and a half. I live with people but avoid interacting with them if I can, I have friends but avoid plans to go out and socialize. I've only just started getting sick of this and forcing myself to go out even when my initial reaction is to say no. I work through panic attacks and just do it, and it has worked out great every time I do.

Force it, if you're asked to go out do it. Make plans of your own, don't wait on others, if you've been stuck in this cycle for a while people will just stop asking you.
 
Now, are you referring to being alone or being lonely?
They are 2 different feelings ime, and neither are inherently unhealthy.

I would say I usually feel alone, but seeing other people and being with others make me feel more alone than when I am actually on my own.
I find that a sense of apathy that arises from wallowing in solitude, and being directly exposed to the connection/bonding that you are devoid of (especially ex lovers) actively focuses your attention on the isolation of human existence.
Just as coming back to the nothingness, after a social gathering, makes it harder to deal with, or focuses your attention, or whatever you wanna say.

I get lonely more than I'd like to, but it is a reflection of my actions and lifestyle. Although it can be accompanied by a yearning for more, I find it is often devoid of any desire for someone.

I can't even explain the loneliness I have felt.


To break the cycle, you simply have to break the cycle.
Change your routine. Go out with colleagues, or call some old friends.
Hell, if anyone you talk to on your computer lives near by, meet up with them.
Go to a bar, pub, club, sports team, whatever's your style.

If you want to see more people, do just that.
If it prevents you from becoming lonesome, then give it your all.

In the end, we are alone. That should not make you feel lonely.
 
eh im with you friend. im at the stage of my life where i want intimacy and hanging out with my boys isnt gonna give me that. i mean we hang out but i do feel lonely because i cant seem to meet a girl i can see myself with

im 19 and never had a real gf, partly due to my parents upbringing, and the loneliness creeps when i feel like i wont ever meet anyone no matter how ridiculous that is
 
I'm sorry to hear you feel like this coopa. It's been kinda similar for me recently. I moved to a new country a few months back and although I've made friends here, there's no one I'm as close to as the ones I had back home (which is normal I guess) and I feel both alone and lonely...even though I have people to see. It's weird. I just feel like I don't belong here I guess.
Unfortunately there isn't really any kind of miracle solution other than forcing yourself to socialise. Make bigger efforts to see your friends, organise things - even if you're not particularly motivated to do it and you think you won't enjoy it, you've really got to push yourself and in the long-run it'll bring you so much closer to them and make you so much happier. You could also try connecting with some people from work, or start some sort of activity (some sport, join a band, whatever) that would enable you to meet new people and develop a new kind of relationship with them.

Once you start making the step to see people more, I guarantee things will start looking up very quickly :)

On top of this, just try to keep yourself as busy as possible, even if it's with stuff you're doing on your own. It'll give you less time to feel lonely and will make you feel better about yourself in general.
 
Yeah, dude. I moved in with my grandmother for a while. Same kind of experience. You can interact with people out in the world when you run your errands, but you have to be open to it. Flirt with the cashier, talk to a stranger about kitty litter. I once hit on a guy in a wheelchair at Target. That was fun.
 
All great replies. you guys nailed what im feeling. Its been going on for a few years now. And as pathetic as it sounds really only dissapears when im with a female to an extent. I mean im fine being alone but having that companionship is somewhat of an addiction for me. Guess it stims from my childhood or whatever.

Im 24 and really feel like there is a wall between me and the world so to speak. I can show confidence charisma etc etc i have those qualities but I also have this extreme loneliness inside me.

I guess what i really want is someone to share my life with and feel comfortable all the same which for me is extremely hard to have both happen at the same time. Let alone meet a girl that is interested in me.. :(
Friends are great i do have some great friends but there busy raising families doing there own thing that and even when i see them which is rare i still yearn for that companionship that only a female who is attracted to me can bring... all while laying in my bed alone ugh it sucks lol. No better feeling than waking up beside someone who loves you.
 
^Again coopa, I've been where you are regarding the need for companionship thing, but that's really something you can work on. You've gotta get it out of your head that you need a woman in your life! :) honestly, I know it's hard to believe but working on yourself makes a massive difference. You'll realise you should be your first priority, not finding someone to share yourself with. The thing that made the biggest difference for me was starting to go to the gym every day. Gave me a big boost in self-confidence and after a while I simply stopped thinking about guys - and ironically enough, since then I've had more guys interested in me. It really is worth trying out.
 
So why don't you go out and have fun? Keep yourself busy? Give yourself more social interaction outside of the normal stuff.
 
why do you turn down invites to social interations?

im desperate so i'll say yes to everything

a part of it is exercising daily to keep your blood pumping -> making you happier -> making people want to be around you -> forming closer relationships

remember half of our consciousness is seperated from the world and half of our consciousness is connected to everything

everyone experiences that, its just some people cover it up better than others
 
I've been single for the past 2.5 years, after ending a horrible 2 year relationship. I'm a 22 male.

Being "lonely" and feeling "alone" does suck, I've felt it for a brief time in my life, and I know exactly how you feel. You just have to stick it out, and you will become so much stronger as a person. Going to the gym really gets your mind off of wanting companionship, and focuses your mind on yourself. I don't go to the gym, but I skateboard, and have for the past 11 years, since I was 11 years old. Gotta find coping mechanisms.

I live in a new town and don't have many friend up here, and all of my old friends are back home and it sucks. I guess you could say that I'm alone, and lonely, but I'm honestly not lonely at all.
I enjoy being single and without a girlfriend. I go out to bars/clubs a couple times a month with some coworkers (and we really have a blast), but that's it really. My social interaction outside of work is little to none Yeah, I miss getting laid all the time, but that doesn't really matter. I have learned to value my own company above all else, cause you're never alone man, you always have yourself. You are either your own worst enemy, or your own best friend. I am my own best friend, but I can honestly say I was once my own worst enemy.

Lonely is how you can be. Or, you could choose solitude.

Solitude is an achievement that not many people can achieve. It takes the strongest of people to be perfectly comfortable being alone. It can't be done over night, but with time.. I think it took me somewhere around 6 months after breaking up with my girlfriend that I realized that I was perfectly content with being without a significant other. When you do truly achieve solitude, enjoy every second of it, because it won't last forever. Eventually, love will sneak up on you and smack you in the face when you least expect it.

I swear I used to feel just like you. I just sort of trained myself psychologically over time. I focused on myself for a while, and over time my confidence boosted as well. I'm not timid/shy/ or anxious anymore because I now have the confidence that I need. It's the confidence you acquire when you learn to live life solo.

Since I've been solo for so long, as young as I am, and have learned to enjoy it, my biggest fear now is developing feelings for a girl again lol. Which has been happening lately, and I've been trying to not develop feelings for this person, because now it scares me that I might become dependent on someone elses love again if I enter a relationship. It really does kind of scare me that I might start liking someone on more than a friendship level, it's really something I don't want to happen because I've become so comfortable being alone with myself, and so secure and and at peace, that I don't want anything to change. Being single and having a girlfriend are both completely different worlds. Having a girl there to love, and to love you does sound nice, but it doesn't really sound that appealing after you've learned to fly solo.

I really don't want a girlfriend anytime soon right now, because I think that when I care that deeply about a girl, I become completely vulnerable. It's like diving into a black pool and hoping it's deep enough not to break your neck. It could end horribly, and relationships can really mess with your mind if you really fall for the wrong person. Just the chance of being fucked over again makes me realize that I honestly don't need that in my life right now. I'm enjoying my time of solitude. I won't go looking for someone.. but if a girl does come out of nowhere and she seems well worth the trouble of giving up my solitude for, I'll have to decide whether or not to jump or not.. and I will make my decision in a carefully calculated way, because if I'm going to give this girl my all and completely open up, she better be well worth it. I'm not going to just let anyone have the ability to completely destroy me. Until that decision has to be made, I think that my own company is enough.

I guess you could say I'm in a polar opposite state as you are now, but I'm only this way now because I used to be in your exact position, and I stuck it out. I know you greatly desire companionship right now, but take my advice, don't take the first girl that opens her arms to you. I've seen people that are really lonely deep down, that just jump from relationship to relationship, picking shitty partners because they are afraid to be alone. I see weakness in that. Learn to live life alone and the quality of your next partner will be so high, because you will accept the love that you think you deserve, instead of blindly picking a partner out of an act of desperation to run from your loneliness.

She will come one day, until then, be comfortable being alone.
 
Last edited:
O i dont turn down social invitations anymore i dont have that opprutunity lol. Noone calls and when i do call people there either busy or really just dont wanna hangoiut with me. Ive got friends but lost all of them at the same time.

Ive been practically alone all my life So im used to it now i guess still dont like it but idk.

I even try going out to social places by myself try and meet new people strike conversation with females etc etc but i always strike out. literrally hundreds of times and its just to the point where i dont even want to try anymore.

Solitude is a place ive been nearly all my life and im so over it. every time i try to make myself better have more confidence better physical appearance none of it works and it just sucks. I dont let it show when im out and about i stick to the charming friendly nice person i am most of the time but when i get home im just bitter sad alone and hopeless lol yeah pathetic i know. but i dont give off that vibe i used to but i make damn sure i dont let anyone see it.
 
You gotta be actively looking for new friends and reach out to new people. That's the best advice I can give you. Don't wait on someone to call you. Call them, and find someone new if they don't answer.

If you actually like talking with women, it won't matter nor bother/deter you if you're striking out. How old are you?
 
187coopa said:
O i dont turn down social invitations anymore i dont have that opprutunity lol. Noone calls and when i do call people there either busy or really just dont wanna hangoiut with me. Ive got friends but lost all of them at the same time.

Ive been practically alone all my life So im used to it now i guess still dont like it but idk.

I even try going out to social places by myself try and meet new people strike conversation with females etc etc but i always strike out. literrally hundreds of times and its just to the point where i dont even want to try anymore.

Solitude is a place ive been nearly all my life and im so over it. every time i try to make myself better have more confidence better physical appearance none of it works and it just sucks. I dont let it show when im out and about i stick to the charming friendly nice person i am most of the time but when i get home im just bitter sad alone and hopeless lol yeah pathetic i know. but i dont give off that vibe i used to but i make damn sure i dont let anyone see it.
Click to expand...

I know what you mean bro, I've been alone my whole life too, I just have that kind of personality. Never was good in social situations and it was hard for me to make friends in a new town when i left all mine that I had worked so hard for behind.

I used to go to work and i'd appear happy and like everything was fine, but then I'd go home and I'd be pissed off and angry, and just mentally not happy. I figured out That when I'm not doing something, I would start to feel the loneliness and i'd get angry, or sad. I just made sure that I was always out doing something, even though I was always by myself doing it. Cause I knew that when I got home from work I'd be alone with nothing to do but feel bad. So I would just go drive around.. drive down to the beach, waste time going to get something to eat, washing my car, cleaning the car, or just something that kept my mind off everything, and kept me out of the house. I'd literally think of pointless things to do, as long as it kept me out of the house for a while I went out alone to run errands that didn't even have to be done, or do things like go on a walk for a few miles listening to music or something.
 
Yeah i sympathize.

Once upon a time i really enjoyed my own company; hell i could spend a month inside on the computer and i wouldn't have a shred of guilt that im wasting time or missing out on life. But i suppose back then i hadn't experienced enough of life to know what i was missing out on, now after been with a couple of women, been super intimate, travel and meeting new people, the thought of been caught in a rut where im working all day, coming home alone and repeating day in and day out has been enough to push me over the edge and start getting serious about been more socially active no matter what it is.

All i can suggest is, identify what you find comfortable and remove it from your life; routine is necessary for health and structure but it can also become a source of comfort which can lead to a very sedated lifestyle.. which is extremely hard to pull yourself out of. This is another reason i workout every second day, it creates discipline and your less likely to let yourself fall into a rut. It's too easy for me to go to work, come home, play online games, sleep and repeat.. i took that easy route for close to 6 years before completely exhausting my satisfaction for that lifestyle, now i feel like im been pushed on and outwards to the world.

My goal of future travel is what helps me cope with the loneliness and work schedule, that can also be what makes it harder... feeling as though your not progressing, which forces all your attention to your current feeling of been alone making it seem more pronounced then it is.

I thrive on any and all attention from females, knowing this i try to put myself in social environments where there's a higher chance of this happening.
 
187coopa said:
All great replies. you guys nailed what im feeling. Its been going on for a few years now. And as pathetic as it sounds really only dissapears when im with a female to an extent. I mean im fine being alone but having that companionship is somewhat of an addiction for me. Guess it stims from my childhood or whatever.

Im 24 and really feel like there is a wall between me and the world so to speak. I can show confidence charisma etc etc i have those qualities but I also have this extreme loneliness inside me.

I guess what i really want is someone to share my life with and feel comfortable all the same which for me is extremely hard to have both happen at the same time. Let alone meet a girl that is interested in me.. :(
Friends are great i do have some great friends but there busy raising families doing there own thing that and even when i see them which is rare i still yearn for that companionship that only a female who is attracted to me can bring... all while laying in my bed alone ugh it sucks lol. No better feeling than waking up beside someone who loves you.
Click to expand...


desire of compainionship is normal at this stage of life. when you find something special and worth cherishing you feel withdrawn when you dont get your fix of it (just like any drug). As we mature physically and intellectually we begin having new psychological needs (http://psychology.about.com/library/bl_psychosocial_summary.htm). its important to simply not give up on looking, no matter how dificult it can be at times
 
This is an awesome thread topic 187. In many ways I am more introverted and spend quite a bit of time by myself. Because of my job I'm constantly dealing/interacting with people and this has been great practice for tuning my social skills. I can generally talk to many different types of people of various ages but I've found I'm more comfortable with people who are a bit older than me (I"m 22 this year). Despite this I still enjoy spending time alone and am quite introspective.

During highschool I would hang around with my group of mates and generally spend most of my social times with them. This is one thing I really don't enjoy and grew out of after completing highschool. I'm more the person who has a variety of friends and will make time to catch up with them but I hate the idea of spending time with the same group of mates. Maybe if I found a group of mates who were top notch this would be different but I'm not so sure. It seems that when you have a group of friends you regularly hang out with you close yourself off from meeting new people. For example, if your at a party with just one mate you'll tend to throw yourself out there and meet lot more people compared to say having a group of 10 mates at a party and sticking together (at least this seems to be the case for me). I think this is because people will be more hesitant to introduce themselves to a whole group of friends because they fear they are trying to 'join' the group which has already been established. Off course a person who is confident and socially advanced will not find this problem but I'm just speaking generally here.

This probably sounds really lame but I absolutely believe that in order to truly love someone you must learn to love yourself. Maybe this is embarrassing but I'm turning 22 and have not had a serious relationship before. I'm not a bad looking or completely socially retarded person but I moved to a Western country when I was very young and growing up was very shy. I've grown from this and a lot of my close mates would say I have a lot of confidence in speaking to people/make friends with people who are in very different life stages to myself but I still don't classify myself as a social butterfly. In all honesty speaking to new people scares the shit out of me and there's this voice in my head when I'm meeting new people that says "Just be polite & kind and there's a chance they'll like you back". Often they do but on the flip side of this when people spit in my face after I try and put myself out there it does hurt but I just remind myself of one of my favourite sayings: "Haters gon' hate".

If I was to analyse myself socially I would say I am very cautious to an extent. I will happily talk to someone I don't know about neutral topics like the weather, sports, general shit but I will not open up about myself unless I am sure I will not get laughed at/ridiculed. I've never seen a therapist/psych' but I think I would maybe be classified as having trust issues. I'm not sure whether this is a negative trait but I've found a lot of people my age just really don't want to know people on a deeper level (at least initially) and I'm really not comfortable throwing myself out there. A lot of the good mates I've had have been people who are older than me and they seem to show more sympathy towards others rather than younger people who seem to choose who they socialise with depending on what 'use' they are to them [This is a pretty broad generalisation regarding age but I am only speaking on my own experiences].

Regardless of all this I'm really glad I went through (and am still going through to an extent) periods where I was shy and shit scared of people because it has allowed me to really value people for who they are and respect different types of people. I'm not perfect but I will not slander someone for not being popular or socially active because I remember a stage when I was like that. I'll try and go out of my way to help the underdog at a social event because I think they'll appreciate it a lot more than the super cool/attractive person who probably gets sick of being approached all the time. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to meet new people/get out of my comfort zone this year but in all honestly when I'm out with a group of mates I really love and am comfortable with I feel top of the world.

Good luck to everyone in this thread!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top