On being alone.

[Mugz]

I pretty much feel exactly the same, except for I have no job either to take up my days so I spend most, if not all of my days in bed and make excuses for not going out to see my friends and family, I don't know why I do it as I really want to get back into their lives.

I was living in Cambridge, 300 miles away from my friends and family and thought a move back home to live with my dad would solve a ton of my problems but it didn't. Some of them are being solved slowly but others are not. I still hermit myself away way too much, spend way too much time on this fucking website and although I keep saying I'm writing a screenplay it's been a long time since I wrote a word. I've had a few meet ups with my friends locally and some family but it's not what I thought it would be like coming home and giving up my job for it. Sometimes I wish I stayed in Cambridge and kept the job.

Sometimes I even enjoy being lonely, a loner, at least then no one can judge me or upset me, I just do that myself. I think it's still that I haven't 100% gotten over my ex after 2 years and we had a massive fight over Skype the other night too which was horrible. I moved here to get further away from that situation but not to cut her out completely from my life, just the day to day life. I cant arrange a meet up with her after work anymore now we are 300 miles apart.

There's also someone else that I have the biggest crush in the world on who I know would be perfect for me, but I am too scared to act on those feelings as I am almost 100% sure they wouldn't be reciprocated. She is amazing though, and I hardly even know her, but she inspires me to be a better person, if not just to appear better to her but to be a better person for myself.

I guess I'm just lonely and this seemed like a good thread to vent in, I'm gonna feel even more lonely I think when I'm clean from drugs (it's in process), or I could find it leads me to more opportunities as there would be less time spent binging/coming down.

As the last poster says, good luck to everyone in this thread, it's tough being lonely, especially if you are naturally anxious too.

 

[laugh]

i am this person. i would describe myself as distant or isolated.

you get used to it though.

“God's original prototype, too weird to live, too rare to die.”

 

[pofacedhoe]

you need to find one person who is really good at making social connections, IME always a girl. this person can act as a hub to break into lots of other social groups. especially if they flit about like a butterfly.

it really sounds like bad advice but alcohol is a great social lubricant.

on the other hand do something with your life. all the best people i have as friends bar one i have met when in some form of education. it really opens up a lot of new faces and a chance to talk to people without you both being there to pay the bills (work friends are okay but most of time you finish work you dont wanna look at their faces after a long week).

what makes education special is the intelligence aspect and the vast amounts of free time to eat up BUT you have to make the effort. friends don't land in your lap though you can smooth them into it with enthusiasm and suggestions of activities. the vast majority of people are not those you will make friends with but you must gain hundreds of aquaintances for each couple of friends gained and learn to be friendly to everyone and make the effort out be polite and cut out weed (if you smoke) as well cos few people are social on that shit when used excessively.

also if you dont hear from someone for a while make the effort to talk to them and dont get pissy and make it about one upmanship or who comes to who. get what you want from people to fill your time and be gratefull

 

[Eric B]

friends don't land in your lap though you can smooth them into it with enthusiasm and suggestions of activities. the vast majority of people are not those you will make friends with but you must gain hundreds of aquaintances for each couple of friends gained and learn to be friendly to everyone and make the effort out be polite and cut out weed (if you smoke) as well cos few people are social on that shit when used excessively.

also if you dont hear from someone for a while make the effort to talk to them and dont get pissy and make it about one upmanship or who comes to who. get what you want from people to fill your time and be gratefull

Awesome points. Just call up that mate you haven't spoken to in a while and ask them how their going, what's new, etc. It might seem odd initially but they will be grateful for the call.

 

[Noodle]

I'm with poface'.

I believe in the 1 in 10!

There is a simple truth to that if you are open. To discount anything inbetween isn't better either.

Time really does tell, if you mind it right.

 

[rm-rf]

Anyone else share a similiar feeling to this? ...

I never see or have plans to do anything outside of work so its work run errands sit at home. All the while craving that social interaction i used to have but at the end turn down any invite or excuse to break the solitary routine ive become so ingrossed in.

you need to find one person who is really good at making social connections, IME always a girl. this person can act as a hub to break into lots of other social groups. especially if they flit about like a butterfly.

pretty much that. but thats not so simple. you dont "just" find some magic person to float into yourlife and be the fairy godmother of friendships and social life. though, that did happen to me. id be an island if it wasnt for my lady.

Anyone else have a similiar experience How did you break the cycle or are you stuck just as i am.

it really sounds like bad advice but alcohol is a great social lubricant.

yeap. you dont aim to get trashed, but you need to aim to get enough of a buzz that you stop giving a shit about all the bullshit in your life. thats how ive broken the cycle before. i go through phases like this sort of like a manic depressive, i have phases where im a huge socialite and i need no real support to go out and be a do-er. i go through phases where im in solitude and i enjoy and need it. and i go through phases where im in solitude and its crushing and punishing and despairing, yet, i cant seem to lift a finger to do anything about it.

then i just force myself to hit up some bars with good music and lots of young people, as much as i dont feel like doing it, and it usually works after a few times. i start to forget that im in a social void, and i start to progress back towards having a social network again.

 

[T. Calderone]

I go through phases like this too. I used to enjoy getting together with friends, having them over and hanging out. I just got into some depressive funk where I instantly regret commitments. I don't even like plans or returning phone calls anymore. I tend to shut people out for no good reason and it's always the people who love me most.

Even last week my ex-bf who I couldn't get over called me and invited me to his house. I told him yeah I'll be here between 9 and 10. I never called to cancel or even phoned back at all. The normal me wouldn't have hesitated to hang out with him. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't mind being alone but I feel like people are giving up on me, and I just stopped caring.

 

[Lysis]

^ I've had 3 ex-BFs who have tried to get back with me, and once you lose me, you lose me and it just ain't coming back. I wouldn't beat yourself up over ditching the ex-BF. You loved him and now you don't, and you're just over him now.

 

[psytaco]

I am kind of in this circumstance now, but more due to geographical reasons that others. I have started working in a rural area and haven't really made friends here. I'll be working here for a year, maybe longer if I decide to stay.

Most of my friends live in Melbourne which is a four hour drive away. In some ways, I don't mind being alone. I have always enjoyed some time being solitary and am beginning to enjoy it more. I am lucky in that I can see friends every few weeks, which is really nice. I did it a few weeks ago and really enjoyed it. However, I don't feel the need to see them all the time.

In terms of feeling lonely, I do get that way sometimes. I don't have a girlfriend at the moment, and for the first time ever, I haven't pined for one. It has taken a while to get this way, but I am happy being alone for a while. I think if the right girl came along then I would take the opportunity, however, I am not actively searching for a girlfriend. That is not to say I don't miss it. Sometimes I do. Like this morning, I woke up missing waking up next to some - kissing and cuddling them and having some morning sex. I also miss having someone to talk to and discuss how my day has been or just lie around cuddling.

 

[China Rider]

not sure your age, or if it even matters, i tried not to make this a tl;dr, hopefully it's an easy to read and valuable testimony,
i split it into a 2 part guide, part 1 is my experience with being alone part 2 is an attempt to help

PART ONE
3 out of 4 years while attending college 300 miles away from home i chose isolation as my lifestyle,i always had opportunities to socialize, but i had troubles connecting with 'college kids' and did not consider anyone real friends, i would get party invites,i had no interest, there's no way i was going to meet anyone who can impact my life, too many people jammed in an area with insufficient space, conversations are over before they can even begin, cranked up music demands everyone's attention whether they like it or not

at first isolation was awesome, prior to college i was never able to have any alone time, it didn't get old fast, it battled the test of time. but one day it hit me - this lifestyle is not healthy, what i thought were hobbies were actually mindless addictions, all while oblivious that my behavior was creating a game called depression, it never became unbearable and always figured out ways to distract myself until i was tired enough to sleep

in hind sight i wish i had transferred closer to home, or dropped out,part of me believes that my behavior during those years created irreversible damage to my psyche......at the same time, i still wonder if depression pushed me into my reclusive lifestyle or if my self imposed isolation created the depression
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART TWO
if you're content with your well being and mental health, keep doing what you're doing and trust yourself, it's more than likely a phase that you'll naturally transform out of

if you fail at your continued attempts towards changing your lifestyle,swallow your pride/accept weakness and go see a mental health professional, it's not a sure thing quick fix, but it's a much more promising opportunity, the only way his decision creates bigger problems is if the doctor encourages medication that just isn't for you, personally i would never use antidepressants, but if practicing natural therapy is a constant let down, and it's your 'last resort' route towards recovery, have your doctor explain ALL potential consequences, and respect the chemicals you put into your body, research the hell out of them, and use at your own risk and if you're not getting life changing results,contact your doctor asap, never discontinue medication without consulting your doctor

if you decide to force yourself to go out, and you're alone either by choice or circumstance ,focus on activity centered hobbies performed while in a family friendly environment

stay away from places where there is alcohol, sure you have a shot at making a friend or two(who end up not being friends at all), but you're risking a much higher chance of making a seemingly innocent decision that backfires and suddenly you've become victim of a crime, stuck with a jaded view or a new fear for the rest of your life

don't force yourself to hang out with people that you already know and it's obvious that they're someone you'll never connect with, if little to none of your previous interactions were eventful, ya gotta wonder why they're even contacting or inviting you places?
personally, i'd only agree to hang out if i'm told that i'm going to be introduced to new people,in a comfortable setting

tagging along with someone, even though not a friend, just having them by your side is a bonus(assuming they aren't complete assholes),try to avoid giving them any of your attention, instead use the energy to gravitate towards people you encounter, just by having another person by your side should naturally reduce the anxiety associated with first time encounters, small talk could pave the way to forming an instant connection, if you're lucky you can parlay that into a lasting relationship,the kind where your shared experiences leave lasting impacts and 20 years from now you'll look back and laugh about how you met each other

if you're anything like myself, meeting new friends while spending time out with your current friends is nearly impossible - i distribute all my attention towards them out of respect and interest, outsiders are unfairly labeled as distractions

healthy relationships should never be taken for granted, they are avenues leading to better things, shielding you from trouble, choose wisely who you allow in your life, don't trust anyone until they've proven they can be trusted....do not become dependent on relationships, no matter who you are, forced solitude is something you'll face daily, learn to accept it and you'll never have any problems figuring out ways to spend your time, whether is be accomplishing something productive or filling time with mindless and pain-free activities

in the end it's your life,and you're not much different than everyone else
you're going to go through frustrating times and times where you accept a frame of mind that you're only content with , take baby steps, commit to improving your life, understanding self respect and discipline can make a world of difference,life's a trial and error see-saw, but if you're determined, you'll eventually get a taste from the holy grail - inner peace and happiness(although, nothing lasts forever )

if anything i said significantly helps, you owe me

 

[Foreigner]

OP, I've been through what you're going through. I spent over a year in my bedroom on the computer for the most part. Went to work from 9-5, then came home by myself. I felt lonely.

Later, I got fed up and changed things radically. I joined volunteer programs and ended up around people almost 24/7, yet I ended up feeling more alone than when I was by myself. The reason was that I didn't feel connection.

It ended up being spiritual seeking that solved this problem for me. You are always connected to everyone and everything - the entire universe, at all times. This is scientifically true as well. There is no approval process, no rings to jump through, no 'spiritual ladder'; you have always been and always will be connected to everyone and every thing. If you put aside the head games, there is no real difference between you and your surroundings. Loneliness, therefore, is ego talking.

That great person that you know you can be is still within you, you've just 'thought' your way into falsely believing you have disconnected from the world. I'm here to tell you that it's not possible to truly disconnect. You are always connected, unconditionally. The only thing that changes that is your perception.

Try to remember what points in your life you felt the most connected. Remember the qualities of those situations, and then make them the focus of your intention. Ok, so having a gf makes you feel connected, but what about it does? The warmth of being loved? Having someone who understands you around a lot? Non-judgment? Etc. Try to focus more on those qualities instead of the specific form (i.e. love and inclusion vs. a gf). The more your focus on those qualities, the more you make tiny cracks in your own consciousness where the light can get in. Suddenly things become possible again, and you have a bit of courage to go out and seek. Then you find whatever it is, and you feel right again.

Everyone has different things in their life that remind them of their connection. In investigating yours, you can shift your perspective. It's the first step, and for someone who's in a rut it's usually the hardest.

 

[Psyduck]

yet I ended up feeling more alone than when I was by myself. The reason was that I didn't feel connection.

i.e.

NSFW:

 

[deldone]

Not to say that I'm glad to hear stories from others about their loneliness, but this thread somehow provides me a little bit of comfort knowing I am not the only one out there.

 

[Nightlites]

this is exactly how ive been feeling. i just quit my h habit n now i realize all i fucking did was sit in bed on my laptop the last few months. i dont have any friends in this new city besides junkies. BUT!! tonight im forcing myself to goto a show. unfortunatly by myself but whatever. i need to get out of my comfort zone. which at the moment isnt comfprtable at all anymore. well im leavin off to go catch a trap show rite now. il let yal know how it goes

 

[Pagey]

^Congrats on quitting your habit, that's already a gigantic step forward. It looks like you're doing all the right things to get your life back in place and if you continue like this there's no reason for you stay lonely. Keep it up and I hope you're proud of yourself for kicking