On Autumn (work in progress)

[psycosynthesis]

Crisp Autumn intonations
beneath eucalypts,
green
against blue skyline
against a warm cup of tea
pressed against my hand
pressed against the wall
leaning into
this season
leans into winter.

Crisp exhalations,
the life of platform inhabitants
respiration of
early mornings.

Pressed into each other
like leaves against the sky
except I think the leaves
might be slightly more comfortable.


I think this loses direction after the first stanza. I don't know where to go with it though...

 

[swilow]

^Sounds good though. Perhaps emphasis aspects of leaning/falling (fall=autumn)....

 

[vurtomatic]

except I think the leaves
might be slightly more comfortable.

Those two lines don't work for me in the context of the whole. I'd suggest continuing from

Pressed into each other
like leaves against the sky