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oh what a bummer of a life

megawoof

megawoof

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 18, 2009
Messages
580
Location
being passed around like currency at supermax fran
find life such a funny thing really as friday i had planned down to i thought near perfect suicide but shit no im still hear
i waved goodbye partner in morn of friday about 830GMT
went to fridge to get bottle of champagne out , opened it started to guzzle it thought shit ill have a few glasses as pharmacy will be open now ill get my methadone to which is 44ml drank that in pharmacy skipped back home to get my bag of tricks out

20 old style OC80 already scrapped the green off all was need was to crush
which i did and started eating them with the booze
10ml vial fentanyl citrate would of been 2 10ml vial but in excitment one fell off cabinent and smashed on carpert (10ml=50mg morphine im)
2 amps of demerol 200mg altogether
and about 40 10mg nitrazepam tabs with rest of the booze
left the 3 15mg midzaloam amps till last im again thought oh well thats me gone bye bye
only to wake up at 1500GMT
kinda still out of it but really only with a massive headache and mild reneal failure for 24 hrs (as in wanting to piss but couldnt get anything to come out)

partner came home at1700GMT to him yelling at me as there was glass vial/amp all over bedroom floor

why is it you get sum people taking 160mg of OC few glasses of wine and the odd vallium only to be found dead it just beats me it does
 
well, it sounds like you are definitely supposed to be here...


rather then wake up in a hospital on dialysis having a lung, a quadrant of your heart, or gangrene infected tissue removed or something. you can now start to figure out what to do with that mighty life force you got there..!
its not hard to agree that my life is pretty fuk'd, against great odds, but doing stuff like this, music, writing, exploring the mind&nature, societal values, medicine, food, and human rights are all subjects that define me,
but ive only just begun it seems.
~
and it all just ended it seems.
~
but all i know is that how ever it seems, it can be seen differently.
 
yeah you do have a point and im glad you replied as im going to my local doctor in a hours time as i do have gangrene infected tissiue on both my legs but not were id injected but now makes sense were its come from thanks for that im just wondering if i can get away with saying i dont know how its got there shit!
 
its good youre acting fast with this...

i had a friend who got gangrene in his arm, and every few hours counts.
they need to know where this infection came from, to treat it properly; not a peaceful death to say the least in case you decide otherwise.
id guess your blood pressure dropped so much that the blood stopped flowing in an artery or vein, causing the infection, and/or you when you 'fell out' you might of landed on a leg and cut off blood supply further.
if this is the case, and they can determine that, the treatment would be different then an infection that spread from else where.
and beating around with an answer will only make things worse for you, if they spend a lot of time doing diagnostics.


man, keep us updated.
& keep moving forward.
 
The people who die from some beers and a bit of valium or w/e are the ones who are talked about for a reason. They are the very unlucky ones. I would also say health and age plays a major role in the success of suicide.

Once you get out of this suicidal state, you will be thankful of your failure to commit suicide. That is, if you take the right steps. Many of us here have had feelings of such extreme sadness, pain, or an extreme absence of emotions and attempted to commit suicide. Yet we say it's worth it once we've been out of the hole for a while.

And... near-perfect way to commit suicide? Eventually the extreme overdoses will cause other severe problems which you may not have control over. There are ways... there are ways to do it... I'll leave it at that (ok enough with the vagueness, I'm talking about suicide)... nowhere near perfect was your attempt (although I think this is obvious, so it doesn't really go against harm-reduction. Then again, if it's obvious why am I going on). ugh early morning after an evening of dexedrine...

Trying to commit suicide will usually just lead you to worse problems, and some of those problems may keep you from being able to commit suicide afterward. Don't underestimate the body's ability to stay alive... even when you do what you can for it not to.
 
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"Many of us here have had feelings of such extreme sadness, pain, or an extreme absence of emotions and attempted to commit suicide."

yes, and many succeeded/some unwittingly.
the Shrine is our hard-testament to that, too many loving life's left behind...

"Don't underestimate the body's ability to stay alive... even when you do what you can for it not to."

our bodies are amazing, microscopically balanced, more powerful and perfect then we know, yet so fragile - it can be easy to over~look and cross the differences.
 
Brian, please don't do anything stupid now, you are still here for a reason. There is hope no matter how it seems to you right now. Keep talking on here about whats going on for you, it is a great place to air your stuff and gain some help and support. I use it in between na meetings which is working for me.

oli
 
well i did see the doctor this morning and told him what happened tbh couldnt be arsed saying sumthing stupid the nurse took sum blood looked at my tongue and hes give me augmentin to take 3 times a day oh and said hed have to inform mental health crash team who are coming to my house at 4 to have a chat whatever that means
 
Have you talked to your partner about what you're going through and your suicidal desires? Imagine how your partner would feel finding you dead?

I discovered my friend after a fatal OD, and it really screwed me up to say the least.
 
megawoof said:
well i did see the doctor this morning and told him what happened tbh couldnt be arsed saying sumthing stupid the nurse took sum blood looked at my tongue and hes give me augmentin to take 3 times a day oh and said hed have to inform mental health crash team who are coming to my house at 4 to have a chat whatever that means
Click to expand...


well be honest with them, the more honest you are, the less un-convincing you'll sound like youre trying to be.
express as much as needed why you felt the want, to do this/try this.
your partner i imagine is pretty distraught, but hopefully wanting to help you, help yourself through this. we will try what we can here, heh, i imagine also, you may not be entirely discussing some things in person with others; being able to openly speak your mind, and letting yourself reabsorb thoughts can be a very good thing to use TDS for.
rehearsing so to speak, not in a practicing my lines way, but rather; this how saying so, seems the most proper and poignant; easier to say, and/or hear/be perceived how you intend it to.

for me a lot of times, once i get going on a personal subject, i can listen to myself, and hear myself answer my own questions on a rant rather then internalize myself into a blender.
shits gets pretty twisted and violent feeling in-side me, in part i try to reverse such feelings and thoughts by turning them into efforts here.
 
wait what? you ate you 20 oc's? thats 1600mg.. that alone is enough to kill anyone, nevermind all that other stuff you said you took with it.
 
.Lucid. said:
wait what? you ate you 20 oc's? thats 1600mg.. that alone is enough to kill anyone, nevermind all that other stuff you said you took with it.
Click to expand...

well you would think so but im living proof it didnt althou as the days have gone on i now realise that its affected my health more than i thought

the mental health team were ok but as im not suffering from any mental illness or a perceived danger to anyone i didnt expect much but a friendly chat
 
.Lucid. said:
wait what? you ate you 20 oc's? thats 1600mg.. that alone is enough to kill anyone, nevermind all that other stuff you said you took with it.
Click to expand...

This. Surely they must of been much lower dose pills? As i dont think anyone would survive that especially with everything else :s
 
.Lucid. said:
wait what? you ate you 20 oc's? thats 1600mg.. that alone is enough to kill anyone, nevermind all that other stuff you said you took with it.
Click to expand...

Once you have a tolerance to opiates, it is practically impossible to overdose on opiates alone. I believe the OP also has a hefty benzo/ethanol tolerance; these two factors explain why he survived.

It isn't uncommon for suicidal people to underestimate how much of a substance they would need to end their own life.
 
i've taken down 1.5 -2 grams of oxy w/3-4 grams of fire and made it through the nights , i've also OD'd on a lot less. It depends entirely on where you are. I'm just grateful to the OP you are living and getting on with it man, don't waste what it is now bro you are certainly here for a reason.
 
damn.. im not saying it didnt happen, just sounds crazy to me lol. 1.6g of oxy is a shitload.



anyway i hope youre feeling better OP, and i hope everything works out for you!
 
when i think about suicide, i step back and stop being selfish for just a minute.

i think about who would find me if i went through with it...the answer for me, would be my mom. and shes the only person that truly cares about me. she found me when i accidentally OD'ed. she found me in my room at 3am, passed out, slumped over the laptop. i have no recollection of this. dont remember a thing. i woke up in the hospital saying, "what happened?" ever since then, she always says i love you when i leave the house and things like, "will you miss me? cause ill miss you."

i have no memory of that night. only of me taking the shitload of drugs before i blacked out. but my mom remembers everything. when i thought of suicide in the past, i was selfish cause i didnt even think about other people, who would find me, and how it would affect them.

ive learned now, that life isnt that bad. it could always be worse. its not worth it. theres always a way out. and you are here for a reason.
 
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