I wrote this script for my drama major at college mostly under the influence of the herb. A big thanks also to my good friend d-lysergic acid diethylamide for all the cat and the strobe stuff and the whole nature vs technology thing.
The night that inspired this whole thing
McGubbins – The Super Sneaky Slinky Private Eye
Cast:
McGubbins – PI Murder detective extraordinaire
Ms. Dame – McGubbins Sidekick, and girlfirend
Mr Baloney - The harmless Gelato-store owner
Sam Spaloney – Renegade Strobe-head
Ed Kaploney – Grand Were-Priest of the Cat-o-licts
Mike Maloney – The Evil Lord Of The Strobe
Bob – McGubbins long lost brother, who is filthy rich.
2 Cat-o-lict priests
3 Evil Strobe-Heads
Scene 1:
McGubbins and Ms Dame are coming out of a theatre on a cold New York winters night.
McGubbins: <very melodramatically>
Dame, you mean everything to me baby! Your smiles light up my life, and I’m over the rainbow for you baby! I’m also a private murder detective, but that’s not important till later in the script.
Dame
McGubbins lay it off with all that cheesy crap, your making bob sick you know!
Dame points to side of stage where BOB is standing
Bob:
Oh Crap, I think I’m going to be sick!
Bob runs off stage
Dame:
See?! Now we have to wait till the damn performance to find out that that was really your long lost rich brother, coming to meet you for the first time and give you lots of money!
McGubbins: <not looking, still singing to himself>
A doobey doobey doobey a rooney. Wha? Huh?
McGubbins turns to Dame confused; Dame just smacks herself in the head and shakes it
McGubbins: <stops singing>
Ok, let’s go play FIND THE GELATO!
McGubbins runs off stage singing “GELATO, GELATO, I LOVE GELATO”
Dame:
Oh god, I’m out of here. (dame walks out off the room)
SCENE 2
McGubbins arrives at a small stall with GELATO written on a sign nearby.
Mr. Baloney is standing behind the stall; he is dressed like a business man.
Baloney:
Hello sir, Mr Baloney here, what kind of gelato would you like? Would you like grated cheese with that? Parmesan perhaps? Or would you prefer some radioactive trace elements? I have a very good deal on Uranium 232 at the moment
McGubbins:
Um yes, actually I’d actually like a double marinade mix with a spurt of lime and a dollop of quackazoley.
Baloney: (looks shocked)
A…uh….DOUBLE marinade?
McGubbins
Yes, with a spurt of lime. Oh, and don’t forget the quackazoley!
Baloney:
No problem sir, one Double Marinade Lime Quackazoley coming right up!
Baloney kneels down behind the GELATO starts preparing the DMLQ
McGubbins walks over to the other side of the stage and starts looking around
Sam Spaloney walks over to the GELATO stall and taps on the desk.
Sam Spaloney:
A single chock please.
Baloney stands up from behind the counter, takes the money and goes back to preparing the gelatos
McGubbins:
Ah my good man, you art one who knows his gelato well.
Sam turns to McGubbins
Sam Spaloney:
Quite sir and what brings you to this place of Gelato? Do you know of what you seek in life? Are you sure about yourself? What is your real existence, and if what you think is you, are you who you think you really are?
McGubbins:
Well met good sir, I’m having a Double Marinade Lime Quakazoley. I like gelato; it’s actually nice on the tongue, much better than eating sand. Or glass. Although it’s not as crunchy as glass, much nicer on the tongue however.
Sam Spaloney:
As I see, another one of the lost souls that cannot deny their own existence. Let yourself open, embrace your inner child, release your torment and embrace the power of the strobe!
Sam looks up into the air and starts chanting
PRAISE THE STROBE! PRAISE THE STROBE! PRAISE THE STROBE! PRAISE THE STROBE! RENOUNCE THE CAT! RENOUNCE THE CAT! RENOUNCE THE CAT!
McGubbins looks confused; the lights start to dim and a strobe is very faintly introduced.
Sam Spaloney starts shaking violently and falls to the ground, 3 men in white robes all carrying balls of twine and rubber mice come and place them on the ground in a circle, around Sam Spaloney. They all start chanting “Praise the cat, renounce the strobe, praise the cat, renounce the strobe” As they do this, the lights come back up and the strobe fades away. 2 of the Priests drag Sam Spaloney off the stage, while the 3rd one comes up and talks to McGubbins.
Ed Kaploney:
Hello fine sir, I am Ed Kaploney, Grand Uber Super Duper High Master Were-Priest of the Cat-o-licts. What you just saw was the invocation of some dark magic…The unholy and demonising power of “The Strobe”
Ed looks around as if someone is watching him
Ed Kaploney:
I cannot stay long, there are members of “The Cult Of The Strobe” everywhere, and I am weak without my rubber mice and my ball of twine. I bid you farewell.
Ed walks off stage, Mr Baloney stands up from behind the counter
Baloney:
Your Double Marinade Lime Quackazoley is ready sir!
McGubbins walks over and takes it.
McGubbins:
MMM Twist of lime, just what I wanted! Thankyou good sir, here are four screwdrivers and a piece of string.
McGubbins walks off stage eating his gelato, Mr Baloney walks into the centre stage, and starts taking off his pants.
Suddenly, a man wearing a hat with a light bulb on the top comes out of no where and starts chanting words at Mr Baloney.
Mike Maloney:
Das-Nas-Requiem, As-Das-Strobium, Strobey-wobey-wobey-wobey-em
The strobe light comes up, Mike starts to laugh, Baloney is obviously in pain.
Mr. Baloney screams and falls to the floor and tries to crawl away, but cant, and lies there motionless.
Mike Maloney:
HA HA HA! RENOUNCE THE CAT! PRAISE THE STROBE!
End Act 1
ACT 2
Scene 1 – In McGubbins office.
McGubbins sits behind a desk in his office, he is writing a letter, when suddenly dame walks in and slaps a fish on his desk.
Dame:
McGubbins! What the hell is this! Where did it come from! What is it doing here!
McGubbins:
Dame, it’s a fish, you brought it in, and you put it on my desk.
Dame:
Oh, righto then.
Dame throws the fish at the audience.
Dame:
Now, I have some other important news for you, there’s been a murder recently, and the police want you to take care of it, since you have a close personal attraction to the case.
McGubbins:
Really? Who is the murder victim?
Dame:
Mr. Baloney
McGubbins <shocked>:
OH NO! NOT MR BALONEY...Wait uh, who is Mr. Baloney again?
Dame:
The GELATO stall owner.
McGubbins <shocked>:
OH NO! NOT THE GELATO STORE OWNER.
Dame:
Yes! Mr Baloney
McGubbins:
Not Ed Kaploney? Or Sam Spaloney?
Dame:
No! Baloney?
McGubbins:
Alamoney?
Dame:
No! Kaploney
McGubbins:
Baloney
Dame:
Spaloney!
McGubbins:
Maloney! No, wait, he’s the bad guy.
Dame:
Who?
McGubbins:
What?
Dame:
What?
McGubbins:
Baloney.
Dame:
Yes, he was murdered.
McGubbins:
Oh, damn. I guess that means no more Double Marinade Lime Quackazolies then…I’ll have to find a new supplier…
Dame:
Anyway, the police want you on the case, so you’ll proceed to the scene of the crime immediately.
McGubbins:
Excellent, we shall ride in my pet banana.
They both walk off stage
Scene 2 Act 2
Murder scene
Mr Baloney is lying on the ground dead, he looks very dead. We’re talking really really really really dead here, like limbs in different places dead. McGubbins walks in from the side of the stage with Dame.
McGubbins:
Ok, so whadda we got here; One Dead Baloney, lots of unmade Double Marinade Lime Quackazolies, and a murder case… Hmmm
McGubbins walks around the scene for a bit, and then notices something.
McGubbins:
Hang on, what’s this…
McGubbins pulls out a Single Choc Gelato.
McGubbins:
Single Choc… <as if he is remembering something>
Dame:
What is it McGubbins? A Clue?
McGubbins:
Yes dame, it is. I only know one fiendish individual who would be so fiendish as to have the SINGLE Choc Gelato, and not the more common and tastier DOUBLE Choc Gelato. And that man is…
Dame:
Sam Spaloney?
McGubbins:
How did you know?
Dame:
It’s printed on the back of the gelato.
McGubbins turns the gelato round and reads it.
McGubbins:
Oh, I suppose it is, hey look, it even has his business address: “S.T.R.O.B.E Technologies”
Dame
I hear that that’s the headquarters of the infamous “The Cult of the Strobe”
McGubbins:
Really? Oh well, lets go find out what’s going on there then, I’ll call Ed Kaploney, and take my rubber chicken just in case.
Dame:
That chicken won’t do any good against “The Cult of the Strobe” unless you make it ATOMIC first. It does have nuclear missile launch capability doesn’t it? I thought all the RX-9000’s did.
McGubbins:
Good idea, I’ll use those radioactive trace elements over there.
McGubbins walks over to the side and picks up a can. He reads the side
McGubbins:
“Warning, only to be used for medical purposes, Gelato isn’t a medical purpose, although it does taste nice, much better than sand. Or glass.”
Dame:
There’s no time to waste, we must act quickly McGubbins, into the banana mobile now.
McGubbins:
Hey, that’s MY pet banana.
Lights fade down
ACT 3
Scene 1 – S.T.R.O.B.E. Technologies building
Dame, McGubbins, Ed Kaploney and 2 priests enter from on one side of the stage, standing on the other, is Mike Maloney and Sam Spaloney, and 3 Evil Strobeheads.
McGubbins walks to the centre of the stage and talks to the audience
McGubbins
Now, because the writer of this performance got bored when he was writing, he decided to make a really “arty” ending. If you think that Myself, Dame and the Cat-o-lict priests are really cool, and you believe in the natural side of life, the cat, the symbol of nature, and the warm life it brings, then when I say “CAT”, you all have to say “RENOUNCE THE STROBE, PRAISE THE CAT” Alternatively, if you believe that technology is the king, that the hustle and bustle is the real thing, and the clanking of mechanical gears really gets your motor going, I want all of you to chant “RENOUNCE THE CAT, PRISE THE STROBE” when I say “STROBE”
McGubbins:
CAT!
McGubbins
STROBE
Depending on which is louder, McGubbins will either defeat the evil strobe-heads, or they will use the strobe to kill the good guys, either way, they all die except for McGubbins.
Those who are left alive, except for McGubbins, walk off stage, complaining how crap the ending is.
McGubbins:
Oh, well, all’s well that ends well I suppose.
Bob runs on stage
Bob:
McGubbins! I’ve finally found you! I’m your long lost brother, and I’m filthy rich! Let’s go to the south pacific and drink beer all day.
McGubbins:
Sounds good to me I suppose, I mean, its not as if I have much else planned.
They both walk off stage.
The end.
