Thanks man. Your post puts it all in perspective. It was very hard for me to understand how she'd gone from being caring and loving to being not bothered. It sucks to feel that she's the one calling the shots though, as I thought we had an equal relationship.
It's the extended version of the cold shoulder. For a lot of people, it's natural to do right after a relationship. A defense mechanism. And it's not all that different from what I am telling you to do now, when I say to put her out your mind. She just probably has been through what you are now feeling before, and it, again, is ingrained in her now to just block that person out sooner than later. We can be compassionate creatures, but having our romantic feelings messed with can turn that compassion temporarily off. It's the "I need to take care of myself first" attitude that Hollywood often portrays in strong and wise women. Is it rude? Maybe. Then again, the same could be argued about you trying to keep contacting her in a way that might be transparent that you want to get back together, when you know that she does not (not trying to pass critical judgment here!). Anyway, and I hope you don't have more sequences of failed relationships, but my guess is that if you do, you'll too develop kind of a "push them away immediately" tendency, so as to protect your fragile heart.
What you mentioned about you hitting the drugs/booze sounds bad man. I saw my father go through that when he and my mum split up as he was an alcoholic and I can imagine that acting like that has the opposite effect.
Ya, it was terrible. Even worse, because she cheated on me and while I didn't exactly walk in on it, I came close in a way. I flooded my head with MDMA and speed for months and months just to feel euphoria. Euphoria, to me, was at that time better than trying to regroup and feel genuine happiness. But ya, in the end it went downhill bad. Not some of my brightest months (though I did have some wonderful nights in the context
).
It takes about 3-4 months, IMO, to get over a person to the point where you don't think about them daily. One thing I have learned is that time actually does heal. As well, positive distractions are the way to go. Live your life so that you cannot think about her because you have so much else going on. Work, exercise, drive in hectic traffic, watch movies, etc. Be around friends, if you feel like you have any close ones. And I'd suggest possibly going to different meetings from now on. Just so you don't have to see her.
It must be a male thing because when I was on my 3 weeks of sobrietyand not speaking to S there wasn't a day gone by when I didn't think of her. Sometimes hourly. We can be an obsessive breed, but thank you for putting into perspective for me.
It's not necessarily a male thing, as women are sensitive too and have difficulty with breakups. I think society just puts a lot of pressure on guys to be in control of their emotions (and insults women at the same time for seeming like it's okay to be an emotional wreck "because that's how woman are"). Reality is, there are emotionally strong and emotionally-weak people in both sexes. It's just guys having to "get over it" can put pressure on people like you or me, since (well for example) women want guys who are honest and emotionally stable. And when you feel like you'd have to not be your true self to act that way, yet still want companionship and someone to understand, you just gotta search a little harder. But there are nice women out there who understand it all, and accept you for being sensitive. Take the wonderful ladies of TDS, for example!
I appreciate from your post that it's over. I wonder how long it'll take for me to stop thinking of her though? I'm not the type to go out and pick up some easy slut to get over something like this.
Again, as I said before, you should be good by 2010. And least the primary panic and sadness will be gone, and it will be more of a nostalgia. I know that seems like a long wait, but it's the holiday season and times will go past. And I agree -- going out for casual sex is not the best idea. I mean nice guys can pull it off, but it has to be extremely casual in that you have NO WAY to get emotionally attached. But ya, I know I wouldn't want to have sex that way, and I'm guessing you wouldn't either.
Thanks again RedLeader. You seem to have wisdom that you don't get out of a book.
Haha, no problem. Good luck with your taper, and try and hit the ground running next week!
laughter is the best medicine.
)
We were pretty inseperable over the summer and did loads of stuff together and she now talks to me so matter of factly that it hurts. A lot of the time we spent drunk together, so the sex wasn't exactly amazing sometimes. We had a real companionship/rapport going on for a couple of months and now it's just like there's nothing there, or every text/call ends up in some kind of sniping argument. I find it hard to understand what I've done to make her go off me. We had a few drunken rows. We had a lot of good times going out, drinking and not drinking. Maybe she's working the steps? I can't even call her anymore, even though I want to.