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Obsessed with the idea of doing heroin

laCster

laCster

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Joined
Nov 16, 2010
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Why do it hold so much positive stigma in regards to heroin? For some reason in my fucked up brain I feel like it was and still is cool to do heroin, that I am destined to be a junkie. But that's so not true. I know it will fuck up my life, and I want it to be just a phase, but something is drawing me back. Something is whispering my name when I am asleep and when I'm depressed and that something is heroin.

God damn why is my head lying to me so much ? One hour I loath the idea of heroin, the next I think that it is the best thing in the world.

Then I get scared that once I come off vivitrol I will overdose if I use again because my receptors will be super sensitive and I really don't want to die. But then it's like oh if I only use a third of a point I'll be straight, but then what if that's too much.

I just don't know how to live wit myself sober. Some days I think if I just had amphetamine and weed I wouldn't even have a desire to use, but if I was truly happy why would I need to use?

I'm really scared for my safety and for my life right now. I don't want to fuck up my life and I certainly don't wantto die. Fuck so many thoughts are going through my head.

I guess I have 20 more days to decide if I going to use heroin again because that's when my naltrexone shot wears off. And this damn vivitrol makes me depressed as fuck and I can't feel joy out of anything and it doesn't take away any cravings and I'm just really scared that if I use once I'm off I will like instantly overdose because my receptors will be so sensitized.
 
Hey relax laCst. its just addiction... it gets better with time.. have you ever looked at my location? LOL.. yeah babysitting that shit. take a real honest look at what heroin does and how it makes you feel.. the whole day the whole time.. not just when you feel good for a minute. the whole time. .. herion sucks LaCst.. you have to see past the delusion.. how does it make you feel the rest of the time.. the anxiety, the withdraws, the sickness.. the desperation, the void where our souls used to be.. the realization that after a little while of use we become its slave and we need to use just to feel not even as good as we do all the time after a littel while into sobriety.

Its hard to see through.. and its really hard as long as we are doing everything in our power not to do it.. need to not want to do it.. flip it cause we can never not do what we want to do.. it sucks, see past the delusion that its good.. it sucks.. if you are able to flip form doing all you can not to do it to not wanting to do it then you will have seen through the lies it tells and its power is greatly diminished.. just keep going your doing great.. what you doing is just cycling really quickly through the addictive cycle.. just need to identify weapons you can use against its nonsense.. the old I will make you feel like heaven on earth.. it never like it says it is.. its tainted.. it makes us feel off.. it kills us and our souls.. just look at fir what it really is and call it on its shit.. dont get plaid .. call it on its lies,,,lies, lies, lies..

your doing great and hang in there.. try using the 24 hour thing.. dont ever have to say your never going to do it again.. just tell it your not going to do it today.. and then tomorrow feed it the same thing thing.. not today.. keep that going until it quiets down.. and it does quite down..

Hang in there laCst<3
 
we are biologically programmed to feel good - in social situations. The brain can be "hijacked" in the sense the endorphin system is what "registers feeling in love". If you can address what is missing in your life, then the drug won't hold anything over you.

You're smart for posting about how you feel man- keep up the excellent work!! You're doing great and have so long off of opiates/bupe.

I am on day 41 and I still have similar thoughts - but I know I deserves this new chance - and you definitely do too.
 
I definitely get where you're coming from. I had patents that were both addicts (my father had been an alcoholic and and shot up coke. My mother basically was what I consider myself "an addictive personality so anything applies, alcohol, prescription narcotics and coke were her favorites but not all at once ). I always swore I would never be them. I wasn't raised by them, but from the distance saw what addiction had done to them. At 14 my friends and I occasionally drank and that continued until I was 17, but that's normal for teenagers. I met this guy I thought I was in love with and would go to any length to please him, fit in. He introduced me to crack, which I was VERY hesitant, but he won me over. We did that a few times but luckily I never became addicted to it. We broke up when I was 19 and I felt the world had fucked me over and drank non-stop for 3 years, even moving onto my next relationship. between that, my mother came to stay with me and I complained about a headache, something ibuprofen would take care of. My mom gave me a vicodin. I loved the euphoria. I also need to mention the guy I was seeing for just a few months when I was 19 after my colossal breakup was a dope dealer. He offered a pile of dope and a straw one night and I did it. I liked it, but he wouldn't allow me to do it again because he didn't want me hooked. To this day I'm very grateful, because I know if
had I would've been a dope addict. Back to my mother, for months she fed me with vicodin, xanax, Percocet-you name it. Now I was hoped. That rush from a Percocet was like no feeling I could obtain, other than dope. I was in love with pain killers. I know I'm rambling but I'm getting to a point....My point is that addiction will break you down and make you weak minded, consume every waking thought. I'm there right now. I'm detoxing off subs. You and I need to get the strength to get sober if we want better and different lives that aren't revolved around being chemically dependant. The one thing we need to know in our hearts, is if we are really ready to overcome addictive traits. I wish you the very best of luck.
 
Sorry to hear you're in such rough shape, laC.

You just need to chill. You're an H addict, man.. it's normal to obsess about dope. The key is to not let it control and overtake you. You need to get out of that headspace, as hard as it is to do. Focus on other things.. anything else. A hobby, a movie, a walk, sex, jerk off, whatever man. Just get out of your own head.

I'm not really into the whole aa/na shit.. but there is one of their slogans I like. "When you're by yourself, you're hanging out with the last person you used with."

It's true. Get around some people who won't make you think about using.
 
Thank you captain, euphoric and scag! I really appreciate the responses!

You are right cpt and scag I am a heroin addict, I'm going g to think about heroin lol. I just can't let it overtake me. I need to preoccupy myself and never let myself be alone or try not to. My head is the last place I want to be.

Is it bad that I almost have made up my mind about using some heroin right after my naltrexone wears off? I keep telling myself that heroin is deceitful and it lies. It will feel awesome but then it will grab m by the balls and I won't be able to escape! And I really don't want to die for having sensitized receptors .

Every day I know in my heart heroin is no the answer, and question whether or not I am going I use. But I guess I have time to decide. My naltrexone shot lasts 2 more weeks and maybe i will start to fee better and have more energy and be happier .

Hope you are doing well Captain, you are doing awesome keep up the good work man !

Same with you scag, I hope your methadone taper is working or worked well and I hope everything is turning around for you!

Much love and appreciation,
-Reed
 
Ive been off also for about 6 weeks, i also have a huge urge to use, for now I am in a place where its not available. I am hoping also that i will change my outlook in the next few weeks before i go home. Good luck!
 
I can share my opiate story, fairly quickly for you. I used pills in the handfuls when I was in my early teens, I tried dope, did it a bit, and decided to get clean. I went to detox, after 8 days I left and saw a suboxone doctor, and never looked back. I was on suboxone for approx. 3 years and getting off of it was hard, but I must admit that the suboxone kept my tolerance up, making it very hard to use, and all I had to do to keep it steady was take a pill and it worked. It took me a few months to really stay serious about quitting it, and it definitely is not that fun to detox off of because of the longer withdrawal (although less painful than opiates).

I suggest getting your injections and possibly talking to the doctor about giving you a few suboxone. Maybe taking one before the shot wears off will allow you to get the next one without using again. I'm sure you wouldn't have bothered with the injection if you weren't serious about quitting, since you are serious about quitting I would do whatever it takes to not consume the drugs that you know hurt you so much.

I wish you luck and hope all goes well!

-dp
 
I'm doing better. I ended up injecting some cocaine the other day, and it was actually dysphoric . I didn't get the train and I felt like shit. It's just not the same without opiates. That's probably the last time I do cocaine for a while .

The idea of doing heroin is starting to diminish. I woke up the other day and saw heroin addiction for what it is. It was the morning after the cocaine and I just really imagined the misery of injecting myself day in and day out trying to do anything for money to get some dope . That sucks, I fucking hated being strung out. The feeling that I'm stuck and that my life is going no where is one of the worst feelings for me.

The obsession of heroin isn't bothering me anymore and the idea of doing heroin once my vivitrol shot runs out isn't a definite, it's more like maybe I will do some but more towards that I probably won't . Atleast not right away. Heroin and opiates and meth and cocaine are not worth my life . That shit literally sucks. Those drugs take all the fun out of using drugs for me.

Thanks for checking up on me scag and thanks dp for your support aswell
 
I am with Scag on the idea of trying to change the mind space. I wish I could tell you how I did it - or "began" it. I think I found a way where I realize it's a bad idea to "misuse" my brain in the capacity I was. The drug was allowing me to program my mind in a way that wasn't what I wanted.

It is like this. The mind personifies the drug heroin. However much your mind values this person, it is an abusive relationship and you are interdependent - it's up to you to save yourself from it.

Having known myself and others who have gone through both circumstances - I wanted to point that out, because it is hard to give up feeling loved. The brain is registering love in a disserving way, it burns you as a person and consumes your ability to enjoy the actual finer things in life, and one day you will wake up and realize what you weren't seeing before. - all of this applies to me in both parallels and I am glad to have a better idea of how much things in life were dragging me down.
 
I keep a word file open detailing the cons of using and the pros of abstaining. This week, I was able to manage my money pretty well. In addition to not having to use credit for gas toward the end of the week, I also had money to buy myself two new pairs of pants. Being able to afford things is one of my favorite bonuses of not using.
Anyway, that's my way of dealing with the urges to use.
 
I wish my view on heroin was that of that it is an awful drug.

Now I want to do heroin really bad. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I want to do heroin so bad???? I just want sweet poppy dreams, I just want to get high. But at the same time I don't. I don't want to start over and have to go through rehab and shit. I haven't done any opiates in 140 days. If I can last a couple more months then I will be abl to get my own place. I want some weed really bad
 
I believe lac is on the naltrexone shot.

You aren't sure why you want to use. It might be hard to pinpoint the why, but I can generalize it for you. Something was or is missing in your life. I know this was and is true for me.

The natural good feeling you should be getting from life, a significant other, work/school, etc, is not there or not what you could be at.

The other alternative; you have a mental disorder causing you to self Medicate. Some might argue they are one and the same. I won't.
 
The idea of going back into heroin addiction, AGAIN, is extremely depressing. Life was shitty. Spending every available penny on dope is shitty. Kicking, even when you have money but no dope, is shitty.

Again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

I could call up and get some dope delivered right now, but fuck that shit. May as well eat a bullet. It would just be choosing to be miserable all over again. Dope would be awesome if you never ran out. But that's pretty much impossible.
 
Heroin, while filling that giant emptiness one would normally feel without it, is really only sabotaging; making new holes that eventually sink its victim.
 
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I used to be a big pothead, until I started getting panic attacks when I was high. I had this mental breakdown and triggered a mental illness after using an ounce a week for 5 years. Back then weed was my one and only concern. I had been through phases with psychedelics, cocaine and Mdma but they never had a permanent place in my life. I was all about the weed.

My brain has recently been seeking alternatives, since I am sick of being reliant on anti psychotics that pretty much make me a zombie. If I don't take the anti psychotics, then my life is a permanent panic attack and I can't handle 10 seconds of that feeling without pounding some shots. However, due to the panic attacks any sort of drug with stimulant properties is completely out of the question.

I'm just beginning to get into heroin, as it definitely has antipsychotic properties. I've had chronic pain for 2 years due to a sports injury, which pretty much has ruined my life so the heroin is a godsend. I plan on switching between heroin, benzos, and antipsychotics in a perpetual cycle while never getting particularly dependent to any one thing, but only really enjoying life while I am on the heroin. I am sniffing very low doses of it in an attempt to self medicate the chronic pain and panic attacks.

I've been having panic attacks for a whole 4 months since I quit smoking weed. I initially thought that it was going to be a withdrawal effect, but unfortunately I am beginning to realize that I permanently fucked up my mental health from smoking way too much weed and oil, and that I developed a permanent panic attack disorder. I'm simply not willing to put up with the panic attacks any longer - just one of them is enough, not 4 months worth. I can't handle the extreme suffering of the combined panic attacks and chronic pain any longer, and the doctors are no help. So heroin is the obvious next step for me.

Before I tried it I knew I was going to love it and pretty much accepted that I was going to be using a lot of it. My life was nothing but panic attacks, brain frying anti psychotics, and back pain, so really what do you expect me to do.
 
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