Hi all! 44 days clean from drugs & the needle (59 from my DOC meth!), as I posted in the other thread.
In response to MBC: Thanks
It's good to have a label for these thoughts--makes them easier to see them for what they really are.
I'm lucky to have two best friends who would do (and have done) everything in their power to keep me safe. They were the ones who told me in no uncertain terms that my behavior is self-destructive and terrifying to watch, who looked after me when I was too spun to take care of myself and who took me to the hospital when they could no longer take care of me, and who have supported me in my decision to move away for this recovery program; as painful as it is for us to be apart, they truly want what is best for me. They are a thousand miles away now, but I'm in touch regularly and keep them in the loop on my progress and setbacks. When the program ends and I move back with them, I will rely greatly on them to keep me accountable, and they know that.
Also, one of the awesome things about my program is that we have a 24/7 crisis line just for the 9 of us; our three therapists switch off having the phone and someone is always on-call in case we need to be talked through a particularly difficult moment. I haven't used it yet, but I've come close in moments where I felt like I was about to self-harm.
Of course, the difficult thing about my reservation in recovery is that it's not a crisis moment, but a vague future idea. I know I'm still very early in recovery, and I'm working to not judge these thoughts, and to bring my mind back into the present rather than speculate on the far future. I haven't moved further into relapse mentality--i.e., planning the specifics of a relapse, or actively fantasizing about the act--so I remain hopeful that these thoughts are just another growing pain of a paradigm shift towards sobriety.
Does anyone else have experience with relapse mentality they want to share?
P.S. Question for Erikmen: You said earlier "It seems you are taking this quite seriously and I believe you may encounter a mid term with time." What do you mean by that?