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not sure where to draw the line....

tackyspiral

tackyspiral

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Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
2,657
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rocky mountains
so i am pregnant and have been doing well i dont smoke/drink/drug anymore

my bf/the father has cut down alot.... but now even when he comes home stoned it really upsets me.....
i know weed is not that bad and its legal here now (colorado) but i dont do it so why should he?

am i being too harsh? after all its just weed .....

i have told him how i feel but he still does it a few times a week
and i really really love him when he is sober.... sometimes i think i forgive to easily
opinions?
 
Voice that you appreciate his efforts but his usage is causing negative emotions on your part. If he loves you he will understand and try to better the situation, whether it be cutting down on smoking, or smoking while not with you and sobering up before returning home.
 
well you are not being a hypocrite because you quit, but you need to cut him some slack. That being said, you also need to work out a compromise with him - cut down, only get stoned at certain times, if he pleases, just for your sake, show that he respects you and is open to your emotional needs. But make sure you don't sound like you are blaming him, just let him know how you feel and what you'd like him to do, but that you understand him wanting to get stoned still.
 
this is a tricky topic... and im sure you must have had these conversations before conception?

even though there is a pregnancy in the situation if hes alcoholic / addict just stopping can be hard. He has to want to stop for himself, might sound selfish but it would be reality.

him loving you and having to stop just because you had to due to being pregnant might not be as easy for him as you would want, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care. Id suggets having some in depth conversation about this, dont let it upset you.
 
SkagKush said:
this is a tricky topic... and im sure you must have had these conversations before conception?

even though there is a pregnancy in the situation if hes alcoholic / addict just stopping can be hard. He has to want to stop for himself, might sound selfish but it would be reality.

him loving you and having to stop just because you had to due to being pregnant might not be as easy for him as you would want, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care. Id suggets having some in depth conversation about this, dont let it upset you.
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I agree and have been the pregnant wife only my husband was an awful bad drunk. It upset me terribly because he would get off work and drive home wasted. The worst part was hoping he would come around only to have him get abusive with me. But I think it comes down to how your bf treats you. Is he still the same good guy, does he treat you well and supportive? That's was matters the most. The situation isn't easy for you because he's expected to quit. I see he's struggling and doesn't want to do this in front of you out of respect. Have a talk with him.
 
What about a compromise?

Why not let him off the lead once a fortnight or so to go and get shitfaced with some friends, if you can't cope seeing him off his face he could stay with a friend until the following day as long as he keeps his phone switched on so you can reach him if you need to. That way you don't have to see it and he still gets a stress release.
 
Honestly, I don't see the big deal about doing a bit of weed, especially when it is legal where you live. But there is a big difference in coming home stoned vs. coming home drunk (or high from many other things) as being stoned really doesn't do much.
Does him smoking weed effect your relationship a lot, besides the fact that you don't want him to do it? I mean, does it make him want you less or something?
He just wants to spend time with friends and smoke weed. Of course, that shouldn't be an "every night" type thing. Like others have said, take to him about it and see if you can compromise.
 
Is he stoned all the time? If he's just doing it at home at night to relax, personally I would be OK with that. It's when the stoners are high all the fucking time that it gets annoying and I've been there before.

It's kinda hard to make demands from your position, but is he willing to compromise with you? TBH a few times a week doesn't seem bad if it's just a relaxing after work kind of thing.

Oh and hugs, tackyspiral. Good to see you :D
 
thanks so much for the input everyone....

he doesnt do it all the time or around me (he knows the smell bothers me now)

i just wasnt sure if i was overreacting a little .... yesterday i called him to buy dogfood on the way home and he ended up smoking with a friend and forgetting the dog food.... i flipped out
and honestly he isnt totally the person i love even when he is a little bit stoned.... but its defintaly preferable to him being drunk

i feel like this is kind of a new issue for my generation.... where we have to question just how acceptable weed is in everyday life

i am also bothered because i find it a bit triggering when he comes home not completely sober and its frustrating cuz i dont do anything so in my head i keep wondering why should he?
 
I know it doesn't seem fair to you since you've stopped for your pregnancy but in my opinion since he doesn't do it around you and as long as he's just forgetting the dog food once and a while(which could easily happen without smoking like by just getting distracted) then you should try to take it easy on him. That being said if you feel like it's having a really negative impact on your relationship then just try talking to him about it. I'm sure if he really cares about you and you can calmly explain why you'd like him to abstain he will.
Being calm and collected in theses situations throughout ones relationship is key I've found, yelling and getting upset never solves anything though I realize that can be especially hard during pregnancy with all the extra hormones, which would be another good thing to talk to him about if you haven't already. Lastly this could be a good step into talking with him about both you and his future use, once you give birth, i.e. are you going to start using anything again and if so what/how often and how will you guys work it into the intense schedule of caring for a new born. Just my thoughts, I hope you work things out.
 
i actually talked to him a lil bit ago after reading through this.... i said its ok a couple times a week but that he should let me know ahead of time - (i think this might help a lot)
as long as everything is taken care of he can smoke with his friends here and there
 
Yes, your being too harsh. Let me know prior to you smoking seems a little well weird. Controlling behavior.
 
bagochina said:
Yes, your being too harsh. Let me know prior to you smoking seems a little well weird. Controlling behavior.
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its better than not letting him smoke at all and i handle it better when i am not surprised by it.... it helps me to know.... and then maybe i wont get unneccesarily angry.... remember i am slightly resentful as it is because i dont get to do it.... believe me i never used to care
 
tackyspiral said:
its better than not letting him smoke at all and i handle it better when i am not surprised by it.... it helps me to know.... and then maybe i wont get unneccesarily angry.... remember i am slightly resentful as it is because i dont get to do it.... believe me i never used to care
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this: its better than not letting him smoke at all

and what bagochina said
controlling behavior
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you gotta let this one go.
 
I had similar issues with my ex. She hated me smoking & tried to be accepting. My point was I don't drink much & prefer smoking weed. I would still feel like I was walking on eggshells after a few billys because she would get the shits & that tension sucked.

We could never find a happy medium though.
 
I think it's definitely fair to ask him to only do it in a way that you wouldn't be aware of it - not when you're home or around. Personally I wouldn't ask him to quit altogether though, I don't think it should be a problem if it's only a few times a week.
 
yah i need to pick my battles i never cared that he smoked whatsoever before its just a big change for me and i am trying to figure things out
 
^I completely understand your point though - I mean it's not very 'fair' that you have to abstain from all this stuff and he gets to continue :\
 
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