SociallyAwkward
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2015
- Messages
- 72
I am an ex alcoholic (long time ago) and something that helped me tremendously when I quit was that I really enjoyed being sober and experiencing life for what it was getting things done. It wasn't the happiest of times back then either but I still appreciated feeling normal/like myself, even if it also meant dealing with sorrow and anxiety. For years I never felt any actual need to start using anything regularly again. In fact, if I got drunk one night, I could beat myself up over what a waste of time it was and how the next day would be spent in hangover when I could have been doing more productive things. I would take some drugs I was prescribed on and off but never abusing them in any way and I kept away from the alcohol as well.
Lately I sort of lost this feeling. I don't know if it's just misery and loneliness eating away at me or what it is. But I spend huge parts of my day doing research and thinking about drugs. Wanting to feel good and get high. Getting ridiculously excited at the thought of doing so. It feels so hard to get my life back on track again that I'm less and less interested in trying. Also I stopped doing a lot of productive things I used to. I'm yet to fall of the wagon or go on a binge and hopefully I won't. The self-discipline I have is extraordinary. Instead I'm just following addicts blogs and engaging in drug communities online to sort of get a release.
I guess the bottom line is that I used to feel that happyness could be found all around us. But now I don't feel that way no more. No job for me, not a lot of money, many things I can't do, never finding someone to love, essentially feeling like my life doesn't matter much when it comes to call. And that maybe happyness can only be chemical in my case. So then I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't know. Not sure myself what I'm getting at here. Just throwing out some of my current thoughts.
Lately I sort of lost this feeling. I don't know if it's just misery and loneliness eating away at me or what it is. But I spend huge parts of my day doing research and thinking about drugs. Wanting to feel good and get high. Getting ridiculously excited at the thought of doing so. It feels so hard to get my life back on track again that I'm less and less interested in trying. Also I stopped doing a lot of productive things I used to. I'm yet to fall of the wagon or go on a binge and hopefully I won't. The self-discipline I have is extraordinary. Instead I'm just following addicts blogs and engaging in drug communities online to sort of get a release.
I guess the bottom line is that I used to feel that happyness could be found all around us. But now I don't feel that way no more. No job for me, not a lot of money, many things I can't do, never finding someone to love, essentially feeling like my life doesn't matter much when it comes to call. And that maybe happyness can only be chemical in my case. So then I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't know. Not sure myself what I'm getting at here. Just throwing out some of my current thoughts.