Not finding life enjoyable no more

[SociallyAwkward]

I am an ex alcoholic (long time ago) and something that helped me tremendously when I quit was that I really enjoyed being sober and experiencing life for what it was getting things done. It wasn't the happiest of times back then either but I still appreciated feeling normal/like myself, even if it also meant dealing with sorrow and anxiety. For years I never felt any actual need to start using anything regularly again. In fact, if I got drunk one night, I could beat myself up over what a waste of time it was and how the next day would be spent in hangover when I could have been doing more productive things. I would take some drugs I was prescribed on and off but never abusing them in any way and I kept away from the alcohol as well.

Lately I sort of lost this feeling. I don't know if it's just misery and loneliness eating away at me or what it is. But I spend huge parts of my day doing research and thinking about drugs. Wanting to feel good and get high. Getting ridiculously excited at the thought of doing so. It feels so hard to get my life back on track again that I'm less and less interested in trying. Also I stopped doing a lot of productive things I used to. I'm yet to fall of the wagon or go on a binge and hopefully I won't. The self-discipline I have is extraordinary. Instead I'm just following addicts blogs and engaging in drug communities online to sort of get a release.

I guess the bottom line is that I used to feel that happyness could be found all around us. But now I don't feel that way no more. No job for me, not a lot of money, many things I can't do, never finding someone to love, essentially feeling like my life doesn't matter much when it comes to call. And that maybe happyness can only be chemical in my case. So then I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't know. Not sure myself what I'm getting at here. Just throwing out some of my current thoughts.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I deal with pretty much the exact same shit. And the more I know about life and the world along with my beliefs about what I learn just makes me more lonely and depressed. I'm older now and have lost much energy and vigor and the ability to do things that brought me joy and distraction. I feel pointless and I believe what I feel. I wish I had some good news to share outside of my nightly opiate high. I don't but just remember this. You are hardly alone. I and many others are riding this same wave with you. It has been so as long as there have been humans most likely.

Fuck I just read this and it's so depressing I almost deleted it but wtf it's the truth. My truth I mean.

 

[Cdkman]

Humans need new experiences to keep the drive for living alive..if u get bored and tired of what your doing u will lose interest and fall back on old habits..try to Take a class or any activitiy u haven't done before..maybe travel and see new places or even move to a different place..

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I think that's good advice. If you are still young and healthy new experiences can be life affirming. Picking up and moving to a new local can be awesome. I know, I did it many times.

 

[Moreaux]

It's a strange conundrum us addicts face, on one had so many of us thrive on routine, but too much routine then becomes stifling and we get anxious, bored and melancholy. Finding new hobbies is a great way to break the routine without going crazy.

Something my husband did for me when I was in a rut was to sign us up for ballroom dance lessons. It was enough to give me something to look forward to, and now we do a lesson on a week day evening and go to a dance on Saturdays.

Because I got the family in debt with my using and poor decision making during active addiction, we are stepped for cash as we focus on getting out of debt. Something I enjoy doing to break the monotony is take my camera to various parts of towne and go for walks and take pictures. It doesn't seem exiting at first, but it forces you to pay close attention to the environment around you, and you end up with some great pictures. I say this as someone who enjoys photography but I don't have an eye for it, but I've captured some great material. You don't even need a professional setup - sometimes I just use my phone camera.

If you own your own place consider gardening. I have three large raised bed gardens for vegetables, and several flower beds for medicinal plants like echinacea, poppies, lavender, lemon balm, etc. All my plants have a dual purpose along with looking pretty, and it took planning to do the gardens and takes time to maintain. It's very relaxing.

Consider getting involved in the community and volunteering. It gets you out and about, drugs are involved and you can meet people. You can also feel good about the time you are donating and that it is very much appreciated.

Honestly, @SociallyAwkward, you sound like you're on the verge of a relapse. Aside from adding hobbies that may help, have you carefully considered anything that may have changed recently? Also, have you considered going to a meeting? Are you eating healthy and regularly and getting adequate sleep? Have you tried eating candy when you feel compelled to research drugs? Something is failing in your life right now, and I think it's critical that you try to identify that point of failure and try to resolve it. It could be as simple as getting a hobby or it could be depression seeping in, or a number of other things but you have to identify it.

I've been sober for two years now, and I was unemployed for a lot of that time and dealt with soul crushing boredom. I learned I had to stay busy whether I was working or not. I took on a lot of major home modifications in my downtime. It gave me purpose, I learned new skills, and I was able to complete projects that were time consuming that wouldn't have gotten completed had I been working, as the weekends are reserved for golf and relaxation.

ETA: Prematurely submitted the post. You have to examine both you and your life to see what has changed and what's going wrong. If you need to talk I am here. Please keep us updated. I wish you the best.

 

[David Wooderson]

I can relate with you OP.

I too feel that I am having to settle for a miserable life in exchange for not being an addict.

I hold out hope that there will be some sort of opportunity that will change everything for the better.

It has yet to happen but life is full of surprises.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Yeah things can get worse as well as better.

 

[SociallyAwkward]

I deal with pretty much the exact same shit. And the more I know about life and the world along with my beliefs about what I learn just makes me more lonely and depressed. I'm older now and have lost much energy and vigor and the ability to do things that brought me joy and distraction. I feel pointless and I believe what I feel. I wish I had some good news to share outside of my nightly opiate high. I don't but just remember this. You are hardly alone. I and many others are riding this same wave with you. It has been so as long as there have been humans most likely.

Fuck I just read this and it's so depressing I almost deleted it but wtf it's the truth. My truth I mean.

It's still good to know I'm not alone. You are probably right, there has always been people feeling this way. Thanks for replying to my thread.

Humans need new experiences to keep the drive for living alive..if u get bored and tired of what your doing u will lose interest and fall back on old habits..try to Take a class or any activitiy u haven't done before..maybe travel and see new places or even move to a different place..

These are true valid points. I currently have a hard time doing things like that for various reasons but sure, I could definitely do at least some smaller things to break the routines. Thanks.

It's a strange conundrum us addicts face, on one had so many of us thrive on routine, but too much routine then becomes stifling and we get anxious, bored and melancholy. Finding new hobbies is a great way to break the routine without going crazy.

Something my husband did for me when I was in a rut was to sign us up for ballroom dance lessons. It was enough to give me something to look forward to, and now we do a lesson on a week day evening and go to a dance on Saturdays.

Because I got the family in debt with my using and poor decision making during active addiction, we are stepped for cash as we focus on getting out of debt. Something I enjoy doing to break the monotony is take my camera to various parts of towne and go for walks and take pictures. It doesn't seem exiting at first, but it forces you to pay close attention to the environment around you, and you end up with some great pictures. I say this as someone who enjoys photography but I don't have an eye for it, but I've captured some great material. You don't even need a professional setup - sometimes I just use my phone camera.

If you own your own place consider gardening. I have three large raised bed gardens for vegetables, and several flower beds for medicinal plants like echinacea, poppies, lavender, lemon balm, etc. All my plants have a dual purpose along with looking pretty, and it took planning to do the gardens and takes time to maintain. It's very relaxing.

Consider getting involved in the community and volunteering. It gets you out and about, drugs are involved and you can meet people. You can also feel good about the time you are donating and that it is very much appreciated.

Honestly, @SociallyAwkward, you sound like you're on the verge of a relapse. Aside from adding hobbies that may help, have you carefully considered anything that may have changed recently? Also, have you considered going to a meeting? Are you eating healthy and regularly and getting adequate sleep? Have you tried eating candy when you feel compelled to research drugs? Something is failing in your life right now, and I think it's critical that you try to identify that point of failure and try to resolve it. It could be as simple as getting a hobby or it could be depression seeping in, or a number of other things but you have to identify it.

I've been sober for two years now, and I was unemployed for a lot of that time and dealt with soul crushing boredom. I learned I had to stay busy whether I was working or not. I took on a lot of major home modifications in my downtime. It gave me purpose, I learned new skills, and I was able to complete projects that were time consuming that wouldn't have gotten completed had I been working, as the weekends are reserved for golf and relaxation.

ETA: Prematurely submitted the post. You have to examine both you and your life to see what has changed and what's going wrong. If you need to talk I am here. Please keep us updated. I wish you the best.

Thanks for a very long and supportive post. The idea with doing some photography is actually not bad. I don't have an eye for it either but hey... like you say, it could still be interesting and maybe I'll end up with some decent photos. I recently got a new phone with a really good camera so perhaps I could put it to good use.

Ending up in debt is never fun so I do hope you can manage to work your way out of that.

For sure there are many things missing in my life. Stability, a sense of purpose, love... I do my best with keeping the mood up and eating properly, sleeping etc but it doesn't seem to do much. Eating more candy than I already do would be bad since I'm already eating a lot of it and trying to lose weight. Because I spent a lot of time in solitude I sort of ended up obsessing over that and wanting things to be different. I know having people around you isn't going to fix things in some magic way but I don't know how to go on if I keep being as lonely as I am and believe me I really tried to change things and meet new people but it's difficult with my anxiety.

Also thank you for the offer to talk - it really means a lot to me.

I can relate with you OP.

I too feel that I am having to settle for a miserable life in exchange for not being an addict.

I hold out hope that there will be some sort of opportunity that will change everything for the better.

It has yet to happen but life is full of surprises.

Exactly. That's just how I feel at the moment. What do you hope will change for the better for you to no longer feel that way?
We can only keep hoping.

 

[David Wooderson]

In a nutshell I guess to become financially secure, own property and get married

I'd be happily willing to never again alter my state of mind for those 3 things.

 

[Moreaux]

In a nutshell I guess to become financially secure, own property and get married

I'd be happily willing to never again alter my state of mind for those 3 things.

Be careful what you wish for. I relapsed shortly after I got married - the stress of getting married pushed me over the edge. At the time we each owned a house so we had two properties, and we brought in around $275,000 that year. None of that kept me from relapsing hard. All of those were huge stressors to me. When I relapsed I ended up having to quit my job to get sober, so that was a $95,000 deficit, not to mention we moved so my husband resigned from his $125,000 position. We sold both homes and bought a new house, so we had to pay $75,000 in taxes and neither of us made a profit on the houses because the market sucked, and I blew through the money we made with my addiction so we had zero to show for it.

Money doesn't change happiness or unhappiness - it's a common misconception many people have. I was so poor for so many years as a young adult I thought money would be an end all to happiness and I couldn't be more incorrect. Money allowed my addiction to quickly spiral out of control, and having money didn't change the way I felt. Yes, I had financial security but I was still the same miserable insecure OCD person I always was, so money just allowed me to use more drugs.

Same thing with marriage - I thought once I got married everything would change - I would be validated because someone else loved me. Wrong. Marriage made me realize it's no longer just me I have to think of, I am now responsible for another person. My actions now influence somebody else, and I didn't want to fail or hurt them. The stress of marriage broke me quicker than anything else in life, but it forced me to actually deal with my issues, which is great because I did manage to get healthy eventually.

Owning property is stressful because it takes a lot to maintain, and while it is very rewarding there are often many times you can't have the weekends to yourself because stuff needs to be done. Also, if something breaks you are responsible for the repairs - there is no landlord to schedule everything and pay for it.

Everything comes with a price and everything good requires work. There is not a magic solution to instantly make you happy. Only when I dealt with my issues did life fall into place, and I found happiness. Now a days, I'm still trying Y figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm going to make that decision based on passion, not salary. While I figure it out I'm working a menial
Job in a print production shop making $14 and hour. My husband works there too. We barely scrap by, as we still have the debts of people who make six figures a year. Yes, I sometimes stress about money. We are working to get out of debt. I actually worked today to get overtime, even though I just had surgery on both feet and they hurt, because I wanted the opportunity for extra cash. We won't be able to go on a vacation for several years, and we have to budget. However, I dealt with my issues a while ago, and even though life has dramatically changed and I'm in flux, I have never been happier. I still have a lot to figure out. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I know where I've been and I know how to avoid going back. I used to think having money, a husband, and a nice house would be the end all to happiness. I couldn't have been more wrong. My advice to you is focus on resolving your insecurities and mental health issues if you have any. Kick your addictions. Life will happen, it may not be what you expect, but I promise you will be satisfied with it and it will be worth it

 

[David Wooderson]

Well I knew when I made my comment that those things can all bring their own challenges but I'm grasping at straws here.

I wholeheartedly agree with the OP, I do not find life enjoyable anymore what so ever.

I like many others have dug a hole to die in just to find out that I could not go through with it, but I couldn't go through addiction either (too lazy tbh).

I've been in love and wanted to get married before, so I strive to get to that point again, I've had a high paying job and lost it to my addiction so I remember how great the money was compared to now, and having lived 3/4 of my life in apts I am beyond fed up with it and long for a mortgage with a back yard and a dog.

I know life is going to be hard and may suck, but perhaps more joyful if I attained the things that I feel would make me most happy.

As great as all that sounds I know myself, theoretically it could given to me tomorrow, just for me to ruin it with going back to addiction, but that doesn't exactly make me want to get up in the morning.

The day I wrote my first post in this thread about "surprises around the corner" I was getting ready for court for a speeding ticket, thinking "damn this sucks I can't afford this", just to end up getting the worst judge in America and getting sent to damn jail, for sub triple digit speeds.
SUPRISE!

My advice to you is focus on resolving your insecurities and mental health issues if you have any. Kick your addictions.

Thanks for your post I have overcome my addictions, my mental health is as good as it gets atm, and my insecurities are a direct result of not earning enough money and therefore having no property. But I get it

 

[Man in the Dark]

Hey Op

Moreaux couldn't be anymore on point when it comes to owning a house and being married. I am currently married and have one child. With the issues that I have I couldn't be anymore miserable. People on the outside looking in would look and say wow you are lucky. I have been working since I was 14 joined the military at 19 stayed in almost 10 years, was injured several times once severely and barley survived. I was married to my first wife when this happened. I was divorced one year after being injured. I had PTSD and at the time and didn't know it. Fast forward several years and having several good jobs due to my military career, which I was unable to handle and had to quit due to my PTSD which I tried fighting for many years.

I am now 43 years old and lost my fight with PTSD. I ignored it so long it morphed into OCD, MDD, GAD, and Psychosis. I am now a CPP and the only joy I get out of life is taking my prescribed opiates. I know it sounds mean and horrible but it is the Dark side and I am being honest.I hate my life and my wife and I am sure she feels the same and rightfully so. My son I can barley handle as he is 6 and I am only able to tolerate him if I am pain free and medicated. I love him to death but I am dead inside an empty shell, I do as much as I can with him as he is a blessing. The hardest part for me is not being able to be the father he needs. If I have to die trying I will.

I would do anything to be single again and be able to be on my own. I am not in the financial state to do so, and my son needs me. So I will live this way for my sons sake and try the best I can to be a good father to my son. My wife and I have agreed to stay together as he has some special needs.

I hate that I need my prescribed meds to be able to cope with life and not off myself. I have to be here for my son. If it wasn't for him I would be divorced and living in a secluded environment, alone. I want off the pain meds but I know I will end up in a bad situation.

I guess the point of my story is just like Moreaux stated having a family and a house adds tremendous stress and responsibility to ones life.

Sometimes you have to see how others live and you may be thankful for your situation as hard as it may be. The same goes for me and my situation, I know there are others who have it worse than I do so that's why I fight daily to keep myself and family afloat, but I am the one responsible for letting the ship take on water, hopefully I can save it.

Good luck OP.

 

[herbavore]

I think the point is that whether you have the stress of family obligations, a mortgage etc or the stress of wanting those things and being outside them, the common denominator is being unhappy with your present life. Man in The Dark, I am so sorry for all that led you to where you are now--circumstances that would have no doubt led anyone to the brink of insanity, or right over the edge. Still, I have my own insane optimism that lives like a conjoined twin with my very sane pessimism, and I believe that people can fashion lives not from the outside in but the inside out, regardless of circumstances. I'm not a very strong person, nor am I very disciplined at anything but I look to other human beings and how they have lived with extreme adversity and transformed it, while their circumstances outside either did not change at all or got worse (thinking of Mandela, of MLK). It is possible to change reality buy changing the perception of it. A jail cell stays a jail cell with real bars but whether the intended use of that cell (humiliation, degradation, punishment, isolation) is fulfilled or thwarted ultimately rests inside. Since I'm pretty sure if I were in the cell I would be one that curled up in a ball of defeat, I don't say any of this arrogantly, I just believe it to be possible to be the one smiling at the jailors.

 

[Man in the Dark]

I think the point is that whether you have the stress of family obligations, a mortgage etc or the stress of wanting those things and being outside them, the common denominator is being unhappy with your present life. Man in The Dark, I am so sorry for all that led you to where you are now--circumstances that would have no doubt led anyone to the brink of insanity, or right over the edge. Still, I have my own insane optimism that lives like a conjoined twin with my very sane pessimism, and I believe that people can fashion lives not from the outside in but the inside out, regardless of circumstances. I'm not a very strong person, nor am I very disciplined at anything but I look to other human beings and how they have lived with extreme adversity and transformed it, while their circumstances outside either did not change at all or got worse (thinking of Mandela, of MLK). It is possible to change reality buy changing the perception of it. A jail cell stays a jail cell with real bars but whether the intended use of that cell (humiliation, degradation, punishment, isolation) is fulfilled or thwarted ultimately rests inside. Since I'm pretty sure if I were in the cell I would be one that curled up in a ball of defeat, I don't say any of this arrogantly, I just believe it to be possible to be the one smiling at the jailors.

Thank you for the kind words, and the great analogy. I agree 100% with what your saying about how it is possible to change reality by changing the perception of it. I really am trying to focus on the positive and not dwelling on the negative which I tend to do. I really respect and appreciate you and your posts, especially your advice as this is not the first time you have helped me. I hope you know it's appreciated. I know the OP also will benefit from your advice.
Thank you

 

[weekend addiction]

Just don't beat yourself up over it your not the only one dude. Its sad to have a life all about drugs but at least you still alive man!

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

What good is being alive if you don't find pleasure in it?

 

[herbavore]

^ I guess the answer to that is that often life is lived in pursuit of various states of being. Some of the most personally meaningful times in my life have been when I was working at gaining some peace of mind, even though the state itself was elusive. I guess it is the exploration that appeals to me. Being human is fascinating in the same way being an ant or a bee is fascinating. I've stopped striving to be happy. Happiness happens when it does. But I do keep striving for a balance between my darkest thoughts (which I have a very healthy respect for) and my crazy optimism (which I treat with some suspicion, but affection) and for me that keeps me engaged.

 

[Moreaux]

What good is being alive if you don't find pleasure in it?

For me I live for the hope of pleasure. The majority of time it's either neutral or sadness. I'm beginning to think I have a chemical imbalance that keeps me in a depressive cycle though drugs have done so much damage I'm riding it out to see if it resolves itself the more I heal, though it has been years.

Every now and then I feel joy, and that gives me hope that I will have more joy in the future. That is all I have as I have spent countless years pondering the meaning of existence and my purpose in life...to which I have no answers. The only meaning I can extract is that I simply exist now, and now is all I have. When I die I feel that my energy will be dispersed into the environment, but it's highly improbable that my consciousness will remain intact, so I simply exist. I try not to consider death to frequently as it terrifies me, but so does living. With that I am off to bed, though I must add sometimes I have such pleasant dreams that the prospect of sleep is what gets me through the day. I had a hard few days and am feeling low so I'll stop before I contribute to anyone else's depression.

Good night all!

 

[Raysu]

I can relate to this too. It's a terrifying thought when I see how far I dropped in life and the ground to make up for it if that's even possible. I tell myself my best years are ahead but it's hard to believe that in the moment. I once heard that to live in the past brings depression and to live in the future brings anxiety and I think that's manifested in my life exactly so when I step outside the moment even into the oh wtf am I gonna do in the next agonizing minute of my day. The suggestions for goals and hobbies are awesome as it gives focus and a sense of accomplishment. My trouble lately is finding the ambition to see anything as worthwhile but a lot of that is due to recent drug use. I think the body takes time to adjust to not having that chemical cocktail of joy coursing through it. I also am a big believer that it takes more energy to think positive when I make a habit of thinking negative and it's hard to turn it around and keep going. Giving self pep talks helps even if I don't buy into it at first it still gets the mind in a positive direction. Music has helped me a lot linking to happier times. My dog is a godsend too and has saved my life in many ways. Getting outside with her to walk and play and feeling unconditional love is priceless.

 

[jinxer13]

I have to agree with Raysu and it does take time for the body to adjust without chemicals flowing through it. If you told me 5yrs ago before my addiction that the most unhappy part of my day was waking up I would've laughed in your face. Thanks to the first half of my 30's lost to active addiction I've also lost the love to wake up in the morning and start my day. Don't get my wrong before I wasn't me happy freakn sunshine and did have days where work was the last thing on my mind and I didn't want to do a damn thing but I would give anything to get those days back (quicker). Been fighting between clean time and using and even with a few, say 5 or so, clean days I start to get that feeling back. Getting out with the dogs is a huge help. Smelling the ocean and remembering the old person I/we were before our "issues".

I used to think it took more energy to be happy and enjoy life but it takes a hell of a lot more energy to stay in active addiction and then add the anxiety, depression,lies, and the rest of the game for something as destructive as addiction. Fuck I'll take the happy part. Ha, now just staying on the road to get there. Once again I'll face the fun of detox! It's insane bc I hate my doc and will go through the shit to get it out of my system but forget to keep up the fight and give in to my body craving thr drug while half my mind is fighting the other half bc it feels so good to be sober and alive.
Trying my hardest to turn off the opiate addict auto pilot!
Sorry for the rant but in the end (for myself and hopefully others) life can be rather enjoyable but not with a crazy addict running it.