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No sex...worthy cause of a breakup?

missmeyet - nope, I mean it. If someone enters into a relationship with the understanding that it's sexual, then retracts the sexuality from it at some point arbitrarily (sickness, injury, genuine mental health issues obviously aren't arbitrary), without the other partners agreement, then I think the other partner also has the right to restructure it to their satisfaction as well. Relationships are a social contract between individuals with explicit and implied obligations - emotional and physical. One individual shouldn't feel they can renege on the contract without implications.

Before anyone says "It's my body, I have a right to decide what I do with it.", you're absolutely right in every way. I'm just saying if you decide sexy time is over with your partner you should let them know ASAP, so they can decide what they want to do (or not do) with their body. Life's too short to be held hostage by unfulfilled promises.
 
Wow...a lot of good answers haha. Thank you guys so much. It's all really helpful Few questions ill answer:

For one, we both do love eachother and it's something we've been working on. I can read her really well and know when she's pulling my leg with any nonsense haha. As for sex, I know that she is uncomfortable being in this position at school. She's stated that a few times and occasionally she used to feel comfortable enough to do things in the room, but not anymore. From what I gather, she's just not comfortable in the situation because I share a room. My roommate has always been respectful of sexy time if and when it comes (I just buzz him and he stays out for a while). She says "I'm physically attracted to you obviously or I wouldn't still be dating you, but I'm just not ever horny". She always always tell me she wants sex really bad in the most inconvenient of times (period, work etc..) I always do my best to make her, the situation and surroundings more comfortable so she can relax but it doesn't happen. I've never been forceful with her with this because that's ok in my eyes, and if she's not ok with it, than that's that. But the constant teasing and getting me worked up then passing on the matter has what's been getting to me.
I made a date for us tomorrow so hopefully things go well and maybe we can rekindle some of that. Ill keep you guys posted.

Oh and she'll say lets have sex in the shower or lets have sex in the car I really want too...I know it won't happen but I just play along "yeah that'll be sexy lets do". And that's the end of that
 
Ok, is there any medical reason she's "not ever horny"? Drugs, surgery, past abuse? Sexual attraction doesn't necessarily come from physical attraction either, she could think you're easy on the eyes but not emotionally available or mentally stimulating.

Try engaging her in different ways tomorrow. Be more assertive. Give her a wink or a little pat on the bum. Play wrestle. Grab her hand and drag her behind the bleachers or somewhere private. Steal a kiss in public. Be playful and confident. If she says something sexual at an inconvenient time don't dwell on the timing of it, either playfully run with it or find and suggest ways to make it more convenient. Women may deny it but they like it when the little boy in us comes out as long as the man is there to get shit done. Don't believe me? Watch a women's eyes when her man is having fun playing with their kids and then goes and fixes the toilet.

Failing all that, DON'T COMPLAIN! If you try to whine, guilt, blather your way into bed with her you're just going to put the focus on negative communication and your inability to get her stimulated. You need action from her, not words. If she blows you off, don't react. Disengage as well. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Become emotionally unavailable. By this time you really have every right to start withdrawing but DON'T POUT! Nothing in the world is more unattractive than a broken man. Make it clear that things have to change. You have options, you've chosen to stay with her this long out of love and respect and now you're demanding (yes, demanding) it back or things are going to change.

Good luck brother!
 
it's good that you've said something. i would recommend talking to her about this in as calm and non-confrontational a way as possible, and approach it as an issue that both of you need to work on. be as kind and patient as you can be, listen to everything she says, and make the best good-faith effort you can to establish a level of intimacy that works for both of you.

if it works, great. if nothing changes or she's not willing to work with you, get out. you owe it to her and yourself to make an effort, but it's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.
 
from MY personal experience, sudden change of sexual desire decreasing is a result of a few things: she's cheating (this is actually a pretty high probability), personal emotional issues (brain is the key sex organ), social problems (issues with parents, her friends, etc), or drugs (big player here since this is bluelight after all).

generally it is said in a relationship if one partner suddenly doesn't desire sex as often that their needs are being met somewhere else. she gets the hot sex from a no-strings-attached Guy and intimacy and support from you.

social issues can impact sexual relationships. maybe her and her best friend have been fighting? maybe she's worried you're gonna find someone else? mommy and daddy might be fighting at home?

and of course drugs. she sustaining a habit of some sort behind your back? maybe she's depressed and on medication of some sort. lots of depression meds decrease sex drive.

there's so many possibilities.

but to answer your question: yes, lack of sex is a fine reason to break things off. sexual desire is like any other trait you carry, you shouldn't have to force change yourself to be compatible with your partner. if she asked you to change your hair color, wear colored contacts, etc would you? fuck no.
 
There's never been an issue with past abuse, relationships:family life. I'm only her second boyfriend and she lost her virginity to me (which blew my mind cause she's one hot mama jama haha) but we've been good to each other and respected her for that. She started to smoke weed a few months ago with her friends and I told her I don't date girls that smoke (I think it's a big turnoff). Stop, or I leave. And she did stop and hasn't done it since. It's been a few months. We've always been upfront about everything and I know more often than not she always is with things. I always reassure her I'm not going anywhere, I'm not talking or seeing anybody behind her back and I'm not doing anything bad. And she always tells me "I'm just not horny. If you want to find some dumb slut that'll f*** your brains out than dump me. If sex is so important to you." I thought you know, I see no problem with that haha. All jokes aside though I was taken aback and kind of took as "here's an excuse for you to get out of the relationship. I secretly want out." It's a doozy.
 
what you said at the end is what I just thought when I posted. maybe she wants to break things off but doesn't know how. as in she's trying to force your hand and have you break things off.
is she otherwise intimate such as cuddling and whatnot?
 
Wow Frank that is a doozy for her to say it like that. But at least she was honest about not wanting sex. When you first got together were things different? Not trying to be nosey. Do you think there's a chance that the situation will change?
 
T. Calderone said:
Wow Frank that is a doozy for her to say it like that. But at least she was honest about not wanting sex. When you first got together were things different? Not trying to be nosey. Do you think there's a chance that the situation will change?
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Right? When we began having sex it was different. It was awesome, as Im sure it is for any couple. 2 or 3 times a day Then it started fizzling as Im sure it would for any couple...? But weeks to months at a time? Somethings gotta be up you know? Currently shes on her period so Im not sure exactly what if anything will change afterwards, but time will tell. Theres not much I can do until she presents herself. As phliper said, Ill playfully mess around and go along with things and if something happens, than great. If not, than i gotta toss that mindset out the window and calm ol beasty down!
 
Serotonin101 said:
what you said at the end is what I just thought when I posted. maybe she wants to break things off but doesn't know how. as in she's trying to force your hand and have you break things off.
is she otherwise intimate such as cuddling and whatnot?
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Thats where my mind immediately went. I didn't pursue it, but Im sure there will be another time for me to bring that up. Aside from sex, she loves cuddling, holding hands, being close, all that good stuff. Its just getting physical. Yet, she presents herself in a way thats like yeah i love sex. She tells people some nonsense that we've done and occasionally. Ill say "yeah, but that was when you used to have sex." Then comes the dirty look and the "shut up! *punch* haha. But why would she say stuff like that, and then always (sorry if its rude) but be prude 8( ay yai yai
 
Yes, good luck. I was in a situation where I cared a lot about someone, but wasn't sexually attracted to him. I thought something was wrong with my libido for a really long time and then I met someone who turned me on. Long story short, I left the relationship because I knew he deserved to be with someone who would have sex with him. I can't speak for your girlfriend's personal issue, but I'm hoping that you guys can work through this.
 
phliper said:
missmeyet - nope, I mean it. If someone enters into a relationship with the understanding that it's sexual, then retracts the sexuality from it at some point arbitrarily (sickness, injury, genuine mental health issues obviously aren't arbitrary), without the other partners agreement, then I think the other partner also has the right to restructure it to their satisfaction as well. Relationships are a social contract between individuals with explicit and implied obligations - emotional and physical. One individual shouldn't feel they can renege on the contract without implications.

Before anyone says "It's my body, I have a right to decide what I do with it.", you're absolutely right in every way. I'm just saying if you decide sexy time is over with your partner you should let them know ASAP, so they can decide what they want to do (or not do) with their body. Life's too short to be held hostage by unfulfilled promises.
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Right on-- I gotcha now!
 
Maybe she wants you to be more aggressive (some girls find that sexy). Like, she starts it~ teases you and just kind of waits for you to take control and go after her! I would say try being more aggressive (obviously there is a fine line but knowing that you guys have been together for 2 years I know that you will know her limits). Or maybe before you can ask her, do you want me to be more aggressive and go after you? (then tackle her!) Hehe. :3. But make sure when you do this there's no one home and going to be home anytime soon so there's no other excuses. Also, maybe a glass of wine or a cocktail before might help her loosen up? Maybe she feels uncomfortable and wants to do it during the night? Maybe she wants a little romance? So many variables! Try, try, try them all!

(P.S. I do think that she still finds you attractive because you said she always initiates sexual acts and teases you.)
 
Frankthetank41 said:
There's never been an issue with past abuse, relationships:family life. I'm only her second boyfriend and she lost her virginity to me (which blew my mind cause she's one hot mama jama haha) but we've been good to each other and respected her for that. She started to smoke weed a few months ago with her friends and I told her I don't date girls that smoke (I think it's a big turnoff). Stop, or I leave. And she did stop and hasn't done it since. It's been a few months. We've always been upfront about everything and I know more often than not she always is with things. I always reassure her I'm not going anywhere, I'm not talking or seeing anybody behind her back and I'm not doing anything bad. And she always tells me "I'm just not horny. If you want to find some dumb slut that'll f*** your brains out than dump me. If sex is so important to you." I thought you know, I see no problem with that haha. All jokes aside though I was taken aback and kind of took as "here's an excuse for you to get out of the relationship. I secretly want out." It's a doozy.
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Yeah that is a bit suspicious, although I don't think you can necessarily jump to that conclusion...but yeah, kinda weird. Maybe you just need to ask her upfront why she never wants to go through with it, expect a clear answer but make it clear you're not accusing her of anything, you just want to understand etc.?
Dyou think this could be a self-confidence issue on her part maybe?
 
You've certainly been shoe horned into the cuddle buddy category from the sounds of it. You're going to have to go a little alpha male here if you want to revive your relationship. That doesn't mean be an asshole, it means you have to step up the alpha qualities that women typically respond to - charm, wit, playfulness, confidence, physicality and a certain amount of aloofness. She has your caring, nurturing, supportive side without any effort on her part, that's not fair play and it devalues your affection.

Men are not women and women aren't New Improved Human v2.0, we both bring different beautiful things to the relationship table. You have to start bringing the meat instead of both of you bringing just potatoes.
 
Frankthetank41 said:
She started to smoke weed a few months ago with her friends and I told her I don't date girls that smoke (I think it's a big turnoff). Stop, or I leave. And she did stop and hasn't done it since. It's been a few months.
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Hmmm... I'm sorry OP, but that's pretty controlling. And a total turn-off! If my bf did that to me I'd become resentful about him trying to control me and go off him. In fact, I normally have a high sex drive but really went off my ex-husband after a few years, and a lot of it was because he had possessiveness and control issues. NOT HOT! And ironically, weed makes many women super-tactile and sensual, so you're actually missing out.

Also, her teasing you and not finishing the job... it's almost like you both play power games or something, perhaps she isn't mature enough to tell you that your attitude is pissing her off and is using sex to get her way. Dunno, but anyhow - if my man starts me off and doesn't finish I take the matter into my own hands, so to speak!! Just get her to kiss you while you jerk off, I don't understand what's the big deal in these scenarios... it'll make things more playful and ease the pressure on her. Just feels like you want her to do exactly what you like once you start getting physical and women don't work like that.
 
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I mean i wasnt straight forward just like that. I didnt just say "stop or I leave." Shes always known I dont like smoking. Being around it is fine I dont mind that but when it comes to romantically being with someone and they smoke, i just dont find it appealing and theres always some nasty taste in the mouth haha. But ive never been controlling with her we've always been good about expressing things like that and knowing we have lives and its our life to live.

I never force things upon her and if she starts jerking it, or giving head, and she stops for no reason. Its just like...why would you even start? Ive never voiced my thoughts on it until recently with her. When i previously just made some "jokes" about it, she always would get defensive and pissed off with me. Shes very weird when it comes to sexual things for some reason. I enjoy her taking control of situations like that but then she stops. Almost always. And if finishing the job is what I want her to do exactly than yes thats what Im asking. Im sure every guy is that same way lol.

When i try to take control in the bedroom, and when she asks, I do it. But then she'll end up stopping me and saying too aggressive, youre too rough etc. Thing is I know Im not. Its like just plain and simple sex. But I think its the words "take control" that maybe freak her out and give off the impression that Im being too rough. I think next time if she doesnt finish the job, Ill finish it myself as you stated. She might get weirded out, but so be it.
 
phliper said:
You've certainly been shoe horned into the cuddle buddy category from the sounds of it. You're going to have to go a little alpha male here if you want to revive your relationship. That doesn't mean be an asshole, it means you have to step up the alpha qualities that women typically respond to - charm, wit, playfulness, confidence, physicality and a certain amount of aloofness. She has your caring, nurturing, supportive side without any effort on her part, that's not fair play and it devalues your affection.

Men are not women and women aren't New Improved Human v2.0, we both bring different beautiful things to the relationship table. You have to start bringing the meat instead of both of you bringing just potatoes.
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Thats true. Ill see about bringing it all. Its like, I know shes more into the lovey dovey end of the relationship than the physicality of it. But Theres gotta be some common ratio here you know? at this point its like 95% lovey dovey, 5% action annnddd 1% job done haha. Time to wear the pants !
 
Frankthetank41 said:
I think next time if she doesnt finish the job, Ill finish it myself as you stated. She might get weirded out, but so be it.
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I really think you should do that. Takes the pressure off her - no blue balls for you - and personally I find it super hot to watch a man play with himself, so she might join ya... x
 
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