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No more drug tests - - Now decision time

Cohesion

Cohesion

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
1,069
Location
Portland, OR
EDIT: UPDATE on Page 2

Hi everyone. I have been taking drug tests for over a year. I stopped smoking pot 15 months ago, and then spice, 9 months ago. This summer I smoked pot like 5 times and the cravings drove me MAD. Because I had to restrain myself and say "no". (There were times I almost failed drug tests.)

As some of you already know, I'm subjected to drug tests because I lost custody of my daughter. She is now 4, and home all the time. The case will be closed in 3 weeks and no longer have anyone monitoring us.

She is not in school and we are together all the time. It's not what I want - I want her to be in a school but there are some waiting periods and I don't want to choose a less-than-ideal one just because there is an opening. I feel suffocated spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This spring, summer, and early fall I was more sober than ever and more Expansive! than ever. I was becoming the real me, acting freely, socializing with sober people, and not hiding myself. I was still drinking some but not too much. By spring my drinking has been controllable/not so many cravings.
Now she's been home 5 weeks. Since then I have gained at least 5 lbs, I haven't been fighting to do my meditation, no physical exercise, I just feel constricted. I haven't been completing my school work or making money very well. My temper is short.

In the last year I have recreated my self-image. I have worked very hard and (until last week?) see myself as a person who doesn't smoke pot. I smoked for 10 years and now I'm over 3 months abstinent, with very little use in the last year.

About a week ago it came into my mind that I could perhaps, again, be a person who smokes pot occasionally. I have been drinking wine sometimes at night, and I figure, pot is more healthy and I like it a lot more. I think about it a lot every day and cravings are there. With wine, I don't really drink one glass. I will drink half or a whole bottle. It is more "addictive" drinking than casual.

I don't like that I had this idea about myself as a non-smoker, and now my thoughts are telling me I can be someone who smokes. I'm questioning my self-image. It's very unnerving.

I want to be SURE and CLEAR *why* I want to smoke, when the time comes. In three weeks.
Can anyone relate to any of this? Questioning your self-image as a smoker/user? Any other thoughts? HOW can I be CLEAR about *why* I want to smoke? What questions should I ask myself? Thanks in advance......
 
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Okay, I'll go all rehab on you!

1.Make two lists:
One list of all the good things in your life that have come from your pot smoking and another list of all the bad things that came as a result of your pot smoking.
2. Ask yourself, were you smoking pot occasionally to enhance your life or were you using it to run from your responsibilities and feelings?

I'm a musician and a writer and certain substances have seemed to help me with that for a time, marijuana being one of them.

3. Does what you think you'll gain by resuming your marijuana use outweigh any negative consequences it may have?
 
pot is a dangerous drug because it can easily get you into other drugs or feeling like you can use it more and more often to feel "normal/right" and it can cause cancer easier than cigarettes
 
mrflowers00 said:
pot is a dangerous drug because it can easily get you into other drugs or feeling like you can use it more and more often to feel "normal/right" and it can cause cancer easier than cigarettes
Click to expand...

Bullshit. Pot doesnt cause cancer some studys actually suggest it has anti-tumour properties. Sure it can be addicting but that is all drugs. To me the main problem you have is getting caught by the authorities as it relates to your daughter. I dont know the story but it seems you had some problem with her and drugs? Im not saying you should or shouldnt smoke pot but I dont think it makes you a good or bad paent either way. I know great parents who smoke and terrible ones that are stone cold sober.

I dont wanna turn this thread into a health debate about pot but here is a source backing my claim http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090401181217.htm I will let everyone decided what they think.
 
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I wouldn't do it because it's just too risky. Those child protection people scare me.
 
^

This. In your case, the legal issue is key, especially because of your daughter. If you're in a state that allows medical, I would say maybe go that route. But if not, you're dealing with sketchy black market shit, and might lose your daughter. Is it worth that?
 
mrflowers00 said:
pot has more carcinogens and at higher concentrations than tobacco
Click to expand...

That doesn't mean you get more cancer. THC encourages cancerous cells to die off early. Also, you don't have to smoke cannabis. You can eat it, or vaporize it. Other people, like myself, choose to use concentrates - which often leave behind a large quantity of unnecessary plant matter.
 
BlueHues said:
Okay, I'll go all rehab on you!

1.Make two lists:
One list of all the good things in your life that have come from your pot smoking and another list of all the bad things that came as a result of your pot smoking.
2. Ask yourself, were you smoking pot occasionally to enhance your life or were you using it to run from your responsibilities and feelings?

I'm a musician and a writer and certain substances have seemed to help me with that for a time, marijuana being one of them.

3. Does what you think you'll gain by resuming your marijuana use outweigh any negative consequences it may have?
Click to expand...

Thank you for the questions. I need to ask myself a lot of questions right now...

Good things from pot: Some expansive feelings, ideas, and expressions.
Bad things from pot historically: Led me to the wrong crowds, downward spiral from there. Isolating, spiritual stagnancy. Pipe dreams.

The negative consequences will be: Cravings, some lethargy, some distraction.

I will gain... a relief to this craving :( It also helps me get back into my body. After I smoke I can do some more yoga, exercise, physical movement. That is my main thing. It's totally an excuse, but I don't know how to exercise when I have a child with me 24/7. After she is in bed I have 3-4 hours of alone time. I'm thinking if I smoke I'll get a fresh outlook on what I'm doing in my life.

It's one thing to smoke every day - and another to smoke a few times per month. I set a boundary for myself with alcohol (not my preference) so.... boundaries are possible.... But it's likely pot will be harder to restrict (10 year drug of choice ya know).. Ideally and perhaps I can smoke in the way I'd used psychs before... not as a regular thing (f a habit!) but as periodic reflection.

This may sound crazy but I'm not worried about getting caught. I can have it delivered and in miniscule amounts.
 
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:( Now I am thinking hard about getting another amps script!! Just after I posted in the Meth/Amphetamines Serious Discussion Only thread I am having real thoughts about how to get that script back and "do it right" this time. Because I know I can get back on it. Even if I get it once and change my mind I feel like I want to "try it again". I feel like I could make it work for me - like twice a week (no more for sure!) and get to work.

I decided to quiet my craving, as I have done for over a year, with a little wine. That usually brings me back to some sense. But even in this moment it doesn't seem "bad" to try some amphetamine again for a functional purpose and in a controlled way.

I know it would cause some decay of beauty and stronger cravings so I just need to answer if it's worth that.
 
this seems like behavior used to justify using. take a step back and make those lists. if you have to tell yourself "no" or try to control your using you have already lost control. I've been clean for almost 11 months now and have tons of creativity, energy, and joy in my life. if they take your kid again you're pretty much screwed.
 
Cohesion said:
I feel like I could make it work for me - like twice a week (no more for sure!) and get to work.

I know it would cause some decay of beauty and stronger cravings so I just need to answer if it's worth that.
Click to expand...

I think that often we have different voices with different agendas speaking to us at the same time. You have one voice, the one that scripted the last sentence, talking to you that says you know this is not worth it. You have another voice that wants to get something more easily than you are now getting it---in this case energy and productivity. Learning to work a little harder for what you want is part of making peace with being sober. You know deep inside that the slope is too slippery and the stakes are too high. Get support. Let the right people know that you are feeling vulnerable. Listen to the voice of wisdom, not the voice that rationalizes.

Your daughter needs to know that she has everything she needs inside of her without having to have substances to make things easier. You can show her that.<3
 
<3 Thank you, you both speak truth.

I am thinking about going to a meeting. Not because I subscribe to the ideology... but because talking about it out loud is helpful.
 
Can you talk to friends about addictions/vices or issues? I do this and it's VERY helpful. I am personally not fond of AA but everyone's different.

I know you wrote in your OP (original post) about wanting to use various drugs again or using other ones. I would avoid doing this. My DOC (drug of choice) is alcohol and I no longer use any drugs at all even cannabis or other psychedelics, or any pharmaceutical drugs like opiates or stimulants.
 
Cohesion said:
:( Now I am thinking hard about getting another amps script!! Just after I posted in the Meth/Amphetamines Serious Discussion Only thread I am having real thoughts about how to get that script back and "do it right" this time. Because I know I can get back on it. Even if I get it once and change my mind I feel like I want to "try it again". I feel like I could make it work for me - like twice a week (no more for sure!) and get to work.

I decided to quiet my craving, as I have done for over a year, with a little wine. That usually brings me back to some sense. But even in this moment it doesn't seem "bad" to try some amphetamine again for a functional purpose and in a controlled way.

I know it would cause some decay of beauty and stronger cravings so I just need to answer if it's worth that.
Click to expand...

My 2 cents: don't get on amphetamines again.
 
I just wanted to add some feedback for you. Your story sounds remarkably like mine. I had a very full-on pot habit - on/off for years, until in the end I smoked constantly (in and around motherhood, albeit 'out of sight'), ending up on strong hydro, lost all motivation for life, had almost constant nausea, shed incredible amounts of weight, and mental health wise, I was a mess. I finally did a self-detox, took myself away (from my 10 month old, and 3 yr old) for a week, and came back thinking 'well, I got that under control'. I proceeded to completely and utterly cross-addict, and within a few months of that ended up in rehab from alcohol. I went on to have 4 more detoxes. Twelve years later and I'm still struggling with stuff, despite a couple years recovery.

My point is it's a slippery slope. What I hear very clearly in your posts is the addict voice, the one that justifies why one should use, how it's just for now etc etc. It took me years to truly dispassionately disentangle from that addict mentality and just recently I've found myself having to put the work in again. It's incredibly deceptive, almost unconscious. We actually believe ourselves, even though experience proves again and again that use never stays casual, and controlled, or even limited to one substance. Do what you can to constantly bring awareness to that side of yourself. Hear the rationalizations and the excuses for what they are. They tend to be stock standard ones recycled by addict after addict, which is why we stick together in recovery to help one another. We've all been there in our various ways. We understand better than anyone else who hasn't been on this side of the fence, even trained professionals.

Even though I've slipped recently with a new substance (pain med dependency) it doesn't alter my belief, that for people with addictions: abstinence is the key. Some choose to moderate and for some that works. Never has for me, and I think the stats fall on the side of it being predominantly that way for most. Hence, I was very happy to see you talk about getting some support at a meeting ... Likewise, I also have long found the 12-step ideology problematic, but heck, if you (and I even) can use it to get some good healthy sober/non-using days strung together, then it can't be all bad.

Best of luck, look forward to hearing how you get on. Parenting is hard, so love yourself - and your little one - the best way you can.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim I can talk to my friends but it takes some REAL effort and humbling. As non-addicts, their advice comes out sounding differently. It puts me more in my place, I think, because it’s a big deal to bring it up to people who expect me to be well already.

C.H. What you say is true. Amphetamine use seems complicated even just thinking about it.

Pink.Lotus I wrote here honestly with no filter from the “justifying” voice because this is the way it comes up in my mind. I agree about the 12-step stuff. I DID end up going to a meeting! I took my daughter somewhere and made it happen and shared right away. I said that I was “having some bad ideas”. There is some value to 12 step so it’s alright with me too. I'm with my 4 year old all day. every day. so I'm pretty much overwhelmed and often more short with her than I'd like to be. She's been home 7 weeks and I've found I don't like being a mom. So boy do I want to check out. Today I signed her up for Tuesday/Thursday Preschool, Friday morning Art class, and 4 days a week swimming lessons. At least that will give me a moment to breathe and feel a little free. Hopefully, I don't use that "free" time to hit up the Dr. office.
 
can use that time for personal relaxation time. use it for hobbies, love life, or just lounging around the house. could be quite therapeutic. maybe spend time with sober friends and go see a movie, go out to eat or just hang out.
 
Hi Co, yep I think it's great that you wrote without filtering. Gives people something authentic to respond to. Hopefully by way of this process we get the help we need :) Terrific you hit a meeting, and got your daughter into pre-school. Phew, I remember only too well how incredibly intensive those particular years are. You absolutely need breaks. Kudos for getting yourself some. PLAN what you'll do on them perhaps, to lessen the chances of busting. Good suggestions from Sero. My routines have to be built in stone - I know this about myself, or I just shine them on. Daily meditation's in there so far ...
 
I want to smoke Cannabis because I feel it reveals me to myself.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it allows me to appreciate existence/art/everything.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it helps me think clearly.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it makes me feel (more)
I want to smoke Cannabis because it contributes to some semblance of balance.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it's stopped me from killing myself.
I want to smoke Cannabis because I've got nothing better to do, and it adds value to my existence.
 
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