No more drug tests - - Now decision time

[motherofearth]

Hi everyone. I have been taking drug tests for over a year. I stopped smoking pot 15 months ago, and then spice, 9 months ago. This summer I smoked pot like 5 times and the cravings drove me MAD. Because I had to restrain myself and say "no". (There were times I almost failed drug tests.)

As some of you already know, I'm subjected to drug tests because I lost custody of my daughter. She is now 4, and home all the time. The case will be closed in 3 weeks and no longer have anyone monitoring us.

She is not in school and we are together all the time. It's not what I want - I want her to be in a school but there are some waiting periods and I don't want to choose a less-than-ideal one just because there is an opening. I feel suffocated spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This spring, summer, and early fall I was more sober than ever and more Expansive! than ever. I was becoming the real me, acting freely, socializing with sober people, and not hiding myself. I was still drinking some but not too much. By spring my drinking has been controllable/not so many cravings.
Now she's been home 5 weeks. Since then I have gained at least 5 lbs, I haven't been fighting to do my meditation, no physical exercise, I just feel constricted. I haven't been completing my school work or making money very well. My temper is short.

In the last year I have recreated my self-image. I have worked very hard and (until last week?) see myself as a person who doesn't smoke pot. I smoked for 10 years and now I'm over 3 months abstinent, with very little use in the last year.

About a week ago it came into my mind that I could perhaps, again, be a person who smokes pot occasionally. I have been drinking wine sometimes at night, and I figure, pot is more healthy and I like it a lot more. I think about it a lot every day and cravings are there. With wine, I don't really drink one glass. I will drink half or a whole bottle. It is more "addictive" drinking than casual.

I don't like that I had this idea about myself as a non-smoker, and now my thoughts are telling me I can be someone who smokes. I'm questioning my self-image. It's very unnerving.

I want to be SURE and CLEAR *why* I want to smoke, when the time comes. In three weeks.
Can anyone relate to any of this? Questioning your self-image as a smoker/user? Any other thoughts? HOW can I be CLEAR about *why* I want to smoke? What questions should I ask myself? Thanks in advance......

Hey Cohesion, perhaps I don't understand where you see yourself w/ weed; It seems you don't either.

But a lot of what you said here implies you have a problem w/ controlling your marijuana use. The primary indicator here is your efforts to dissociate yourself w/ the image of a smoker. This indicates two things: smoking was large enough of a factor in your life you'd adopted stylistic identifiers w/ that addiction/lifestyle; and secondly, you recognized this as a problem, or at least a hindrance in your avoiding use to pass drug tests.

It also appears you have very much at stake in retaining custody of your daughter. I noticed amongst the positive changes associated w/ your abstinence you listed your relationship w/ your daughter was conspicuously absent. Have you noticed your use (or lack thereof) affecting that relationship one way or the other? No matter the case, you indicate not smoking led to a heightened sense of being for you personally - which surely has at least an indirect bearing on your interactions w/ your daughter and others. I guess my point is, even though your w/ your daughter non-stop, the quality of your time together will be improved if you aren't smoking - and I'm sure this time spent is incalculably significant in her development. Just another reason.

For any addict, it is practically guaranteed we will get the notion we can use reasonably/moderately. It is my belief if a person at any given time in their life suffered addiction w/ a substance they will never be able to moderate w/ that given substance. Furthermore, they will also be vastly more susceptible to addiction to other substances (ie a heroin addict is more likely to develop problems w/ cocaine, due to perversions in their neurochemistry as much as having experienced the mentality of addiction [generally speaking]).

To address your final question of "WHY?" you want to smoke, I think the answer is ultimately very simple: you've been addicted in the past. I don't mean to minimize your concern over the self-image, but I am persuaded to believe that is a means to an end - smoking - b/c you enjoy it for whatever reasons you enjoy it.

You strike me as someone who could really benefit from making a list of pros and cons associated w/ your use. I know that probably sounds like a tedious and trite exercise, but taking the time to externalize it all and put it on scales may really help you come to some realizations. Moreover, if you decide to stop, keeping it fresh in your mind will serve as a deterrent to smoking again.

EDIT: after going over the comments I have to say you need to really watch out for rationalizing. Intelligent people use rational very frequently to justify use.

Also, this recurring theme of you debating wether you can use weed or your amp script reasonably again is setting you up for trouble. As I said above, it is unheard of that a person w/ addiction in their past returns to their drug and is successful moderating. My apologies if I overlooked it, but I didn't see you even provide a concrete reason as to why it would be beneficial to take the amps again.

Lastly, I, like you, do not see eye-to-eye w/ a bulk of the 12 step program ideology. Yet I use it as a counterpoint for my sobriety. Benefits: accountability, camaraderie, and free therapy, to name a few. I still duck out before they all hold hands and pray lol.

 

[T. Calderone]

I want to smoke Cannabis because I feel it reveals me to myself.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it allows me to appreciate existence/art/everything.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it helps me think clearly.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it makes me feel (more)
I want to smoke Cannabis because it contributes to some semblance of balance.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it's stopped me from killing myself.
I want to smoke Cannabis because I've got nothing better to do, and it adds value to my existence.

The Op just went to her first meeting. I hope she can stay clean but your post might trigger her to use again.

 

[DeathDomokun]

My bad, I only skimmed through the OP and saw she was curious about reasons to (she) smoke.
I know we're not supposed to glorify drug use in TDS, bit I thought it was what the OP was asking of me.
I will delete my post if asked. Not my intention to 'trigger' anyone.

 

[Cohesion]

Wow thanks for the thoughtful post motherofearth. I'm going to read through it a few more times today.

 

[Mariposa]

Cohesion, I understand that pot is relatively innocuous. I also understand that it's not a good thing to be impaired around children. Yes, children can be incredibly annoying. Yes, they can cramp your style. Amphetamines for ADD? Well, you're not pregnant, right? Dating? Well, you're a grownup, right?

The pot really seems to be the least of the issues here.

Your daughter has been through enough with being subject to the child protection authorities. I agree with T. Calderone that CPS is quite the invasive bunch. Of course you deserve a life. But your daughter deserves a life as well. Your daughter deserves a life free of the burden of her mother's addiction.

I've found I don't like being a mom.

I really hope that your primary motivation for engaging your daughter in preschool and lessons is not so Mom can go out and play, but to foster your daughter's development and growth. When you became a parent, your life changed. It isn't just about you anymore. Can you grow as a parent as much you wish to grow as a person? Absolutely. Like it or not, you're a Mom now. Anyone you bring into your life, whether friend, family, or lover, has to understand that your child is your first priority. It is natural for a parent to become frustrated. So please use your time with and without your daughter constructively.

 

[parachuteantics]

@Cohesion - If you are still battling with the idea of whether or not to smoke, have you thought of ways that would make you keep your smoking to rationalized thing? Like say 2 times a month would be acceptable?

I do not have an addictive personality so it's hard for me to completely say I know what you are going through. But what if you were in a situation where you could only smoke 4 (or whatever limit you set) times a month for your health (for example)? My drug of choice is MDMA but I were to use it more than a couple times a month then I would be fried! It would become a huge health issue for me. I only indudge in my favorite drug once every couple of months now. Sometimes I wish I could take it but I think of the way I would feel after taking it: sure I would feel good while on it but long term, I would risk my health. Not only that, MDMA causes a hangover for me and I would be a MDMA hangover depression for a few weeks if I did that. I have done MDMA to the point where I realized I was doing harm and stopped for a year. SO....

What I am trying to say is what if you strictly set a limit for yourself because of your health and the health of your family. If I have MDMA once every couple of months and give myself recovery time, I will be fine and will get to enjoy that special time even more. If I take it everyday, I would be forsaking my whole life, my future. If you decide to smoke 4 times a month and no more for example, it would not effect you or your family but you would still be able to enjoy yourself. Maybe if you saw weed as not just smoking but as an actual drug that can effect your life in numerous ways (just as taking herion would effect you, your health,family) then maybe you could see it a bit more differently. Or could you have someone has basically a controller of your intake? Someone to say, no at the appropiate times?

It's very hard to explain myself properly...but I think there would be a way for you to indudge as long as you saw and know of the risks. I believe the key in this case would be moderation but I surely wouldn't do it alone if you already have addictive traits and for the sake for your family.

 

[InvisibleEye]

I'm with my 4 year old all day. every day. so I'm pretty much overwhelmed and often more short with her than I'd like to be. She's been home 7 weeks and I've found I don't like being a mom. So boy do I want to check out. Today I signed her up for Tuesday/Thursday Preschool, Friday morning Art class, and 4 days a week swimming lessons. At least that will give me a moment to breathe and feel a little free.

Taking time off parenting should help with the cravings. I think it's great that you found activities for your daughter to enroll in! Both of you will benefit from it - your daughter will socialize with children of her age, and you will be able to 'disconnect' from your responsibilities a few hours a day. I don't have children but my siblings do, and enrolling their children in various activities has definitely helped them to cope better. Plus, activities help children to define their personal interests and passions.

I just wanted to tell you to HANG ON! Your daughter is 7 already. Time flies... And your definition of 'being a mom' will evolve as she ages, and as her needs change, your responsibilities as a parent will change too. You might find out that you enjoy parenting as she becomes older and less dependent on her mom.

 

[bbgirlclueless]

I want to smoke Cannabis because I feel it reveals me to myself.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it allows me to appreciate existence/art/everything.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it helps me think clearly.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it makes me feel (more)
I want to smoke Cannabis because it contributes to some semblance of balance.
I want to smoke Cannabis because it's stopped me from killing myself.
I want to smoke Cannabis because I've got nothing better to do, and it adds value to my existence.

cannabis helps a lot with lots of issues.i find that im unable to shop for myself,choose good clothes and stuff,i dont understand why that bothers me,but it does,maybe because i was very creative talented when anxiety problems hit me seven years ago,i use cannabis to shop...simply gives me the ability to do creative things...perhaps if i got better one day it would stop mattering to me were i even to wear rags.

what i feel is the more messed up we're inside,the more groomed/perfect we want to look to the outside world...for me its like that

 

[Cohesion]

Yeah guys, decay of beauty and strong amphetamine cravings will be the outcome & NOT what I want. (I don't have ADD.) I'm just going to watch the cravings happen.

Pot can enhance my life. I am going to try it again, with some regulation. This idea is subject to change and lessen. But I have to “throw myself a bone” so to speak, or I will go crazy for amphetamine.

Mariposa, thanks for the response. I think you haven't responded to my posts since 2010 when you predicted CPS stepping-in.
I wouldn't smoke pot around my daughter. Even now I drink wine sometimes but at night after she's sleeping. I expect to keep the same moderation for cannabis...

And yes I see I have been very dissociated from my daughter emotionally in these posts. I studied child psychology and I am very in tune with her needs and applying different approaches based on her behaviors. I basically do an amazing job but I feel quite resentful about it.

What strikes some of these feelings in me is that I ran into an old friend tonight. I’m reminded that he also says no to “super stimulants” as he calls them. He sticks with pot. Stimulants are capricious and fanciful, but romantic. I can’t see a settling end.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Yeah guys, decay of beauty and strong amphetamine cravings will be the outcome & NOT what I want. (I don't have ADD.) I'm just going to watch the cravings happen.

Pot can enhance my life. I am going to try it again, with some regulation. This idea is subject to change and lessen. But I have to “throw myself a bone” so to speak, or I will go crazy for amphetamine.

Mariposa, thanks for the response. I think you haven't responded to my posts since 2010 when you predicted CPS stepping-in.
I wouldn't smoke pot around my daughter. Even now I drink wine sometimes but at night after she's sleeping. I expect to keep the same moderation for cannabis...

And yes I see I have been very dissociated from my daughter emotionally in these posts. I studied child psychology and I am very in tune with her needs and applying different approaches based on her behaviors. I basically do an amazing job but I feel quite resentful about it.

What strikes some of these feelings in me is that I ran into an old friend tonight. I’m reminded that he also says no to “super stimulants” as he calls them. He sticks with pot. Stimulants are capricious and fanciful, but romantic. I can’t see a settling end.

If you do wind up using cannabis do what parachuteantics wrote and set strict limits for yourself, and don't go over them or use anything else.

I do not use cannabis or anything illegal since I just wind up abusing it, and eventually it leads back to me drinking large quantities of alcohol, and doing so on a regular/daily basis.

I know what I was like at my worst at the height of my addiction to alcohol and it was scary. I never want to get that way ever again so I just avoid everything.

I would concentrate on being a mom to your daughter and InvisibleEye and Mariposa wrote some excellent advice.

I am not sure what child services does but I would not be surprised if they do test you for drugs or do try to check up to see if you are sober or not using at all.

 

[motherofearth]

Wow thanks for the thoughtful post motherofearth. I'm going to read through it a few more times today.

No problem. I was honestly worried it lacked cohesion (no pun intended) and direction, but I'm really glad if you get something from it.

But....

Pot can enhance my life. I am going to try it again, with some regulation. This idea is subject to change and lessen. But I have to “throw myself a bone” so to speak, or I will go crazy for amphetamine.

This sounds like all the more reason not to use marijuana. I think it would benefit you more to address those cravings in a sustainable way, rather than running from them. It sounds like you are condemning yourself to a dependency on marijuana before exploring other ways to address the amphetamine cravings. This also sound like the rationalization I mentioned in my previous post. For instance, amphetamines are really bad, but pot is only kind of bad, or not so bad at all. I have to chose one b/c dealing w/ the cravings is not possible. Therefor, marijuana is not only alright, it is sensible. I feel like that is another way of wording what you said in the quote above.

 

[Mariposa]

Mariposa, thanks for the response. I think you haven't responded to my posts since 2010 when you predicted CPS stepping-in.
I wouldn't smoke pot around my daughter. Even now I drink wine sometimes but at night after she's sleeping. I expect to keep the same moderation for cannabis...

And yes I see I have been very dissociated from my daughter emotionally in these posts. I studied child psychology and I am very in tune with her needs and applying different approaches based on her behaviors. I basically do an amazing job but I feel quite resentful about it.

You have an excellent memory. If I was unnecessarily harsh in the past, I apologize. My mother, who has been dead for 16 years, was addicted to alcohol and pills - pot wasn't her thing. I know many awesome parents who toke up after the little ones go to bed and it is not a secret that I smoke (legally). I was very disconnected from my mother despite being a very smart and precocious child. CPS stepped in after a set of events that resulted after my mother's fourth hospitalization, third at-fault car accident (yes, I was in the car) and her attempt to flee the country with me.

It is possible that you may have ADD. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 29. I don't take amphetamines for it. A course of Ritalin wound up giving me an allergic skin reaction so I can only medicate with Adderall or dextroamphetamine, neither of which is kind to my body. I experienced rapid weight loss. My diagnosis explains a lot about me, but at present I am unmedicated except for pot, which in my home state is routinely prescribed for ADD. I don't smoke every day, never before driving. I don't have children yet and wouldn't smoke while pregnant - I would discreetly smoke once I was finished breastfeeding, if I do have any children. I would not smoke until after my child had gone to bed or if s/he was with a babysitter all night. I have no problem with adults engaging in adult activities after the kids are asleep. Hey, how would more kids be made if the parents couldn't do grown-up stuff behind closed doors?

I guess I just don't want to see you trade one addiction for another. The main problem I have seen with pot is that not everyone is as progressive about its use because it's not legal everywhere. And as with any addiction, even shopping or food, people don't necessarily know when to say enough is enough. If you choose to use, use privately and with discipline. That is all.

 

[Cohesion]

Update. My case is open until at least March, so I'm saved from doing anything right away. I have been with my daughter for 2+ months again. She is in school now so that's 3 hours a day I'm free. I'm using the time well so far. Yoga, meditation, selling things online, housework, and so forth. Still, since she's been home I've clearly observed that I don't like being a parent (Inch by inch I'm growing into this role and attempting to make peace with it). I do a good job regardless. My past parent-fail is simply not going to happen again.

I'm going to try Adderall (and possibly Klonopin) again. I have an appointment in a few weeks. I'm going to try Strattera until March, when I'll ask to switch to the amphetamine.

The irony is that I'm such a natural being that these chemicals would seem to be innately too foreign for my mind to accept. Take an example from Herbavore's recent post in RL's PAWS/Heroin thread. She said she tried Adderall for a week and experienced phenomenal enhancement in parts of her life. But to accept it as part of her regimen was unacceptable because it was a *false self*. This resonates with me.

On a positive note I'm beginning therapy again, non-regulated, no releases, confidential. I'm good at therapy and I DO want to be well. At the very least I will engage in conscious therapy as I take Adderall. Now I have the tools (and desire) to back off and out if necessary. It's possible I can use it responsibly. If I don't want it to shape/inhibit my nature, fine- I will know this in time. But staying in control of the use and not going on the tweak is my primary concern. I truly, TRULY don't think that would happen after all I've been through, and that my daughter has this tidal wave of awareness. I just don't think the risk is unreasonably high to try these meds again.

 

[smokemctoke420]

pot has more carcinogens and at higher concentrations than tobacco

lulzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Update. My case is open until at least March, so I'm saved from doing anything right away. I have been with my daughter for 2+ months again. She is in school now so that's 3 hours a day I'm free. Since she's been home, I've clearly observed that I don't like being a parent but that I do a good job regardless. Reaching out for help, a like-minded mother asked, What is the hidden message here?

To be true, I had a child to get out of my addiction. So I would be physically forced to stay sober (pregnancy & nursing). It worked for awhile, but I weaned at 18 months and started medications heavily (I weaned in order to use). I lost her because of it, and became again familiar with my original desire to abstain from substance - this time by mandatory drug tests.

Now they are nearly finished and I'm stacking the deck to try out Adderall (and possibly Klonopin) again. I have an appointment in a few weeks. I'm going to "try" Strattera (to appease the doctor and because I still have drops to take) until March, when I'll ask to switch to the amphetamine. Life *can* in fact be enhanced by these substances, no?

The irony is that I'm such a natural being that these chemicals would seem to be innately too foreign for my mind to accept. Take an example from Herbavore's recent post in RL's PAWS/Heroin thread. She said she tried Adderall for a week and experienced phenomenal enhancement in parts of her life. But to accept it as part of her regimen was unacceptable because it was a *false self*. This resonates with me. Informed consent is no fun, and that's what these posts are about. Being self-aware is such a chore. Still, I feel like I'm a train wreck watching myself happen. I feel like there is no other option than to go forward with this Adderall thing again.

On a positive note I'm beginning therapy again, non-regulated, no releases, confidential. I'm good at therapy and I DO want to be well. At the very least I will engage in conscious therapy as I watch my dance with Adderall. Now I have the tools (and desire) to back off and out if necessary. It's possible I can use it responsibly. If I don't want it to shape/inhibit my nature, fine. But staying in control of the use and not going on the tweak is my primary concern. I truly, TRULY don't think that would happen after all I've been through, and that my daughter has this tidal wave of awareness. I just don't think the risk is unreasonably high to try these meds again.

There is so much information out there and messages from fellow parents about how "wonderful" it is to play this role. Within BL, look at SO's Parenting megathread. This shit makes me sick. So does this song. Since the beginning, I have always strived to *lessen* the amount of time I spend with my child. It used to feel guilty to acknowledge this but it is what I have always felt and it's my feeling. No guilt necessary, just watch the feeling happen. Truly- I don't want to force patience, I just want to be alone. My friend asked-What is the hidden message here?- So I ask myself Does this have something to do with my motive for having her in the first place? Pre-conception I told my partner that I "wanted a friend" (shallow and naive beyond words I know) ... I told myself silently that the reason was that I would finally be able to put my addiction to rest.

Now, my first reaction when I wake up (though I change the message through self-talk of course) is that I don't want this child-friend and I want my addiction (this message I haven't been willing to change yet).

If/when you see a therapist tell him or her what you wrote here.

I've been told that when you get sober you go through the 7 stages of grief. Don't feel bad we all have our good and bad days. I have nights when I think that I had a good day and everything's OK and then it hits me that I can't ever have a drink of alcohol again.

Getting sober is a challenge and it's not going to be easy. Like you are with stimulants and benzos, I'll sometimes try to kid myself "Oh you can have a beer or two or some vodka you'll be fine!" and part of me doesn't want to fully accept that I'm an alcoholic but I have 4 months of sobriety. I just take it one day at a time. Good luck.

 

[Cohesion]

I'm no longer willing to fight this craving. Like motherofearth mentioned. Eighteen months off amphetamines, and I'm consciously going to return to them in March. I'm going to use in a controlled way (as prescribed). If I see this prescription negatively impacting my parenting, I will immediately reduce or eliminate it. My reason for trying it is to increase my ability to make money and develop my business.

herbavore - Everything you wrote I feel deeply. But I'm not going to make peace with being sober. I don't want to work hard for energy and productivity. The slope isn't too slippery because I'm unwilling to let things spiral.

Your daughter needs to know that she has everything she needs inside of her without having to have substances to make things easier.

If it doesn't work out this time around, ^this^ may be my motivation for quitting in the future.

PTCH - I'm going to be completely open in therapy. I engage fully and am looking forward to starting therapy again. Through these posts, reading all over TDS, and self-talk, I've decided that I'm not going to be "staying sober" anymore. It's true what you say about the stages of grief. This has been huge for me. It looks like I'm going to try on "bargaining". Because I will finally have an opportunity to express it. Clearly, I'll be here, and we will see exactly how this works out for me.

 

[onetwo]

About the script thing. As much as it might help, I don't think your child really wants a father that's addicted to amphetamine.

 

[DooMMooD]

Sounds like self sabotage on some level. You're realized having your daughter permanently isn't what you wanted or thought it would be. Simultaneously you have an urge to start using more substances again?

Definitely not a coincidence. The fact that you've planned a relapse screams loudest. Tell someone in person about your plan.

I'm going to tell you straight fucking up if you're using amphetamines while raising a girl you are going to be a really shitty parent and fuck a lot of stuff up. You will think otherwise, but I make the promise you will. You are going to fuck your kid up if you follow through with this plan. I dunno who else here grew up with a parent in active addiction, but it really fucked me up personally. So bad that I'm here postin in TDS trying to help other addicts because I'm a recovering addict myself.

You're clearly looking for an excuse to lose custody of your daughter, which you will probably regret more in the long term. And you wont even feel the brunt of this choice: she will. Makes it super easy to make the bad choice I'll say that much.

 

[down508]

pot has more carcinogens and at higher concentrations than tobacco

and a pack a day smoker smokes 20+ grams of tobacco a day. in 50 days that cigarette smoker has smoked a kilogram of tobacco. a heavy weed smoker may smoke 5 grams a day, a quarter of what a cigarette smoker smokes.. leaving the long term health issues out of the equation, since this isn't the place to argue them, and you have varying opinions on that from one extreme to the other, you should look at why you want to smoke, what smoking does for you, and the reason why you lost your daughter in the first place and whether weed tied into that. put yourself in your daughters shoes, would you want a pot head raising you when you were a small child?

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Cohesion you already know that you have issues and addiction to amphetamine and benzos, and that using a script as prescribed or recreationally is not possible.

Do not feel bad I am the same way with alcohol. I will see friends of mine drinking beer, liquor, or even a glass of wine and I'll want some but I don't since I'm an alcoholic and alcohol and most drugs do not react in my body the way they do for most people, and that once I have one drink I'll be craving more and it's never enough so I don't drink at all. Even smoking weed makes me think I can handle having a few drinks and then my drinking quickly spirals out of control.

No I'm not projecting myself onto you; but that's how it is if you're addicted and you can fill in your drug(s) of choice or think about your own experiences.

I know that you're going to do what you want and that my writing on here won't influence you at all but while you personally do not want to stay sober, think of your daughter, and how she wants and needs a mom who is there for her and putting her #1 in her life and not drugs.

I hope both you and your daughter have a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year and a wonderful 2013.