Zephyn
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2020
- Messages
- 2,054
So, I did this all to myself. I had a lot of bad influences, sure, but it is what it is. I grew up in hacker culture, manipulating my way around the world (not people, despite my reputation I've always been utterly (if not overly) transparent with my peers and family). I'm dealing with some pretty bad mental and physical health issues, compounding my problem. Many people have no sympathy for me, righteously. I lived a really good life, and if I died a peaceful death young, I wouldn't be too disappointed. I know a few ways I could solve my situation with crime, but prison is my worst fear, so I'd rather commit suicide, but I have no balls.
I dropped out of high-school at 15. I grew up rough. Getting bullied, not being able to focus in school, having all sorts of drugs tested on me. At 15, I met a friend who's mother was a serious drug addict. I also met a girlfriend. I spent 10 years in 3 back to back relationships. During this time I supported my reckless lifestyle scamming my way around the tech industry. I would work for some time, or do a clinical trial even, save some amount of money, then take off, travel the world for extended periods of time with my lovers, then crash and burn, go back to my families house, start the cycle all over. I got a lot of different skills, but didn't really specialize in anything in particular.
About 3 years ago, I started to fake my references, and land really high paying jobs. These usually lasted from 3 months-12 months, but I never converted to full time due to mostly bad life choices, like quitting to travel, or going into psychosis, or getting robbed and having equipment stolen. Any number of these positions could have had a career take off from it. And some I was actually pretty good at/they took a liking to me, and if I had not of bad horrible decisions at the time, I could very well still be in these high paying positions. Nevertheless, I got to live on multiple continents and make lots of useless happy memories. I also got really high.
Fast forward to now, my current situation. I'm living in a studio apartment with 750$ a month rent. I'm working one job for $50 an hour (for two days now). This job is nothing like I've ever worked with before, and I made that clear to them, but they wanted to hire me anyway. Now I'm looking at it and I'm not sure I can learn. Because of my mental state and because of my natural inclinations and also because I am lacking some experience I need. I wouldn't be surprised if this lasts 3 weeks. Going from winging devops engineer operations positions with scripting to developing code in c++ (on windows for that matter) for literal machines that without revealing too many personal details are used by some very smart scientists for research is another ball game. Even with the lies I told, idk why they'd think I could do this. There's another job that wants to hire me for the same hours I'm thinking of doubling up for as long as I can last, though I'm more qualified for this other one. It would require me to relocate In a few months, and that is not feasible. I have less than 4k savings. Even if I happen to like the other job, and it goes well, I feel like I need the "support" I get from my family who lives an hour a way who I see every weekend, as I am incredibly isolated in a new city (don't know anyone where they live or where I live as they moved to the middle of nowhere the past couple years). Not to mention most old friends have ghosted me (even some who I will never understand why), i never made friends super easily in the first place and then I never got super close to people, more focused on my relationships and there was a lot of rumors that went around about me. And the rest of my friendships I destroyed with drugs and psychosis and mental illness. Maybe 2 or 3 people left but no one I can count on.
Now to my family, who has been super supportive financially but emotionally has always been rather abusive. They see me every weekend to watch TV, but my mother has permenanrly kicked me out of there after I went into psychosis in her house a few times. I live close. But have been getting by on UE for the past year. That just expired. Even trying to talk to them about this makes them say hateful stuff, block me, insist that I should be able to continue scamming my way through jobs I am not qualified for, and telling me I'm on my own.
I maybe can survive 6 months.
Complicating all this, I have a DUI warrant in another state, plus another DUI that I'm dealing with in court. The warrant from many years ago is finally showing up on background checks, and made it difficult to even get this job. I had to counterfeit a letter from an attorney who doesn't exist and blame covid. This is not sustainable. I am going to have to turn myself in, which means no license for 4 years, and some jailtime. Public transport from where I'm at isn't good, even if I somehow made this last. I'm hoping to save enough to buy a car and drive illegally or even a scooter.
My mother insists I should be able to make it on my own, but with no job history to explain, and without lying seriously, and having to turn myself in, idk what to do.
I think the obvious solution at this point probably too late is to say, go to trade school, become an electrician or something, or try to find an entry level job position with what I do know in tech (a lot) and make things legit. I just don't know if my learning capacity is what it once was. And how would I explain without legit references at this point, as even the jobs that went well ended in tears thanks to my bad decisions? Or i could go to college. I'm not even opposed to working at a grocery store or something, working full time while putting myself thru college or trade school. I could always try fycking off to one of those dogmatic communist intentional communities. I could also try scamming or crime on a higher level, but doing it legally like I've been doing is hard. And taking off from the point I'm at is difficult, much less if I go turn myself in to clear my criminal record. Hard my family won't help, but it is what it is, sucks they won't even answer the call and accuse me of being high because I'm being "negative" and realistic, and keep insisting that taking medication or talking to a therapist will somehow help with this? Like I said, I have no one, I have 2 sisters and an older nephew but I doubt any would talk me in In emergency thanks to some of the states I found myself in during drug abuse during a tough divorce.
I have a fair bit of technical skills and have gotten jobs without seriously exaggerating my skills and routinely get job offers, but I find in the past 2 years most positions I get offered are a bit more advanced than my experience. I think I could have just got lucky for a while.
What is the best course of action, before I wind up homeless? (Further exasperating my mental illness and addictions[I'm strong but idk if that strong? I'm also dealing with serious ptsd that my friends and family have responded to horribly, probably because of the stigma of being a male rape victim of multiple assaults or idk why or dumping too much on people to
to be honest - tbh indirectly those assaults started this whole downfall] but I'm essentially sober and doing my best, and willing to cash all my chips in and live an honest life, but idk if its too late especially because my family won't help) and maybe leading to an untimely and miserable death or maybe hopefully peaceful suicide?
Even if I turned myself in tomorrow, got an attorney, bonded out, i don't know if during a worldwide pandemic is a good time to be looking for a normal entry level job.
I'm also dealing with the mental health stuff, and not sure if I need medicines I cannot help but abuse and ruin my life, need ECT (thankfully I have insurance and might try it soon), or am still suffering from antipsuchotic withdrawal due to overmedication after a few drug induced psychosis. With how daunting this new learning tasks seems mixed with my depression, and I've surprised myself before so maybe I really will learn c++ (15% chance at most), I cannot imagine college or trade school, but I at least have to try. This is why I'm considering ect. Or get on disability and learn how to get by on poverty, which would also be difficult to pull off at this point.
Even when I have a house stocked full of food, I have trouble eating probably due to stress or health problems, cannot even brush my teeth or clean up after myself (probably due to being institutionalized from rehabs), even when sober, i think there is some serious problem.
Edit: im 28, way too late for this sort of awakening, but kept myself distracted with psychedelics for a long time.
I dropped out of high-school at 15. I grew up rough. Getting bullied, not being able to focus in school, having all sorts of drugs tested on me. At 15, I met a friend who's mother was a serious drug addict. I also met a girlfriend. I spent 10 years in 3 back to back relationships. During this time I supported my reckless lifestyle scamming my way around the tech industry. I would work for some time, or do a clinical trial even, save some amount of money, then take off, travel the world for extended periods of time with my lovers, then crash and burn, go back to my families house, start the cycle all over. I got a lot of different skills, but didn't really specialize in anything in particular.
About 3 years ago, I started to fake my references, and land really high paying jobs. These usually lasted from 3 months-12 months, but I never converted to full time due to mostly bad life choices, like quitting to travel, or going into psychosis, or getting robbed and having equipment stolen. Any number of these positions could have had a career take off from it. And some I was actually pretty good at/they took a liking to me, and if I had not of bad horrible decisions at the time, I could very well still be in these high paying positions. Nevertheless, I got to live on multiple continents and make lots of useless happy memories. I also got really high.
Fast forward to now, my current situation. I'm living in a studio apartment with 750$ a month rent. I'm working one job for $50 an hour (for two days now). This job is nothing like I've ever worked with before, and I made that clear to them, but they wanted to hire me anyway. Now I'm looking at it and I'm not sure I can learn. Because of my mental state and because of my natural inclinations and also because I am lacking some experience I need. I wouldn't be surprised if this lasts 3 weeks. Going from winging devops engineer operations positions with scripting to developing code in c++ (on windows for that matter) for literal machines that without revealing too many personal details are used by some very smart scientists for research is another ball game. Even with the lies I told, idk why they'd think I could do this. There's another job that wants to hire me for the same hours I'm thinking of doubling up for as long as I can last, though I'm more qualified for this other one. It would require me to relocate In a few months, and that is not feasible. I have less than 4k savings. Even if I happen to like the other job, and it goes well, I feel like I need the "support" I get from my family who lives an hour a way who I see every weekend, as I am incredibly isolated in a new city (don't know anyone where they live or where I live as they moved to the middle of nowhere the past couple years). Not to mention most old friends have ghosted me (even some who I will never understand why), i never made friends super easily in the first place and then I never got super close to people, more focused on my relationships and there was a lot of rumors that went around about me. And the rest of my friendships I destroyed with drugs and psychosis and mental illness. Maybe 2 or 3 people left but no one I can count on.
Now to my family, who has been super supportive financially but emotionally has always been rather abusive. They see me every weekend to watch TV, but my mother has permenanrly kicked me out of there after I went into psychosis in her house a few times. I live close. But have been getting by on UE for the past year. That just expired. Even trying to talk to them about this makes them say hateful stuff, block me, insist that I should be able to continue scamming my way through jobs I am not qualified for, and telling me I'm on my own.
I maybe can survive 6 months.
Complicating all this, I have a DUI warrant in another state, plus another DUI that I'm dealing with in court. The warrant from many years ago is finally showing up on background checks, and made it difficult to even get this job. I had to counterfeit a letter from an attorney who doesn't exist and blame covid. This is not sustainable. I am going to have to turn myself in, which means no license for 4 years, and some jailtime. Public transport from where I'm at isn't good, even if I somehow made this last. I'm hoping to save enough to buy a car and drive illegally or even a scooter.
My mother insists I should be able to make it on my own, but with no job history to explain, and without lying seriously, and having to turn myself in, idk what to do.
I think the obvious solution at this point probably too late is to say, go to trade school, become an electrician or something, or try to find an entry level job position with what I do know in tech (a lot) and make things legit. I just don't know if my learning capacity is what it once was. And how would I explain without legit references at this point, as even the jobs that went well ended in tears thanks to my bad decisions? Or i could go to college. I'm not even opposed to working at a grocery store or something, working full time while putting myself thru college or trade school. I could always try fycking off to one of those dogmatic communist intentional communities. I could also try scamming or crime on a higher level, but doing it legally like I've been doing is hard. And taking off from the point I'm at is difficult, much less if I go turn myself in to clear my criminal record. Hard my family won't help, but it is what it is, sucks they won't even answer the call and accuse me of being high because I'm being "negative" and realistic, and keep insisting that taking medication or talking to a therapist will somehow help with this? Like I said, I have no one, I have 2 sisters and an older nephew but I doubt any would talk me in In emergency thanks to some of the states I found myself in during drug abuse during a tough divorce.
I have a fair bit of technical skills and have gotten jobs without seriously exaggerating my skills and routinely get job offers, but I find in the past 2 years most positions I get offered are a bit more advanced than my experience. I think I could have just got lucky for a while.
What is the best course of action, before I wind up homeless? (Further exasperating my mental illness and addictions[I'm strong but idk if that strong? I'm also dealing with serious ptsd that my friends and family have responded to horribly, probably because of the stigma of being a male rape victim of multiple assaults or idk why or dumping too much on people to
to be honest - tbh indirectly those assaults started this whole downfall] but I'm essentially sober and doing my best, and willing to cash all my chips in and live an honest life, but idk if its too late especially because my family won't help) and maybe leading to an untimely and miserable death or maybe hopefully peaceful suicide?
Even if I turned myself in tomorrow, got an attorney, bonded out, i don't know if during a worldwide pandemic is a good time to be looking for a normal entry level job.
I'm also dealing with the mental health stuff, and not sure if I need medicines I cannot help but abuse and ruin my life, need ECT (thankfully I have insurance and might try it soon), or am still suffering from antipsuchotic withdrawal due to overmedication after a few drug induced psychosis. With how daunting this new learning tasks seems mixed with my depression, and I've surprised myself before so maybe I really will learn c++ (15% chance at most), I cannot imagine college or trade school, but I at least have to try. This is why I'm considering ect. Or get on disability and learn how to get by on poverty, which would also be difficult to pull off at this point.
Even when I have a house stocked full of food, I have trouble eating probably due to stress or health problems, cannot even brush my teeth or clean up after myself (probably due to being institutionalized from rehabs), even when sober, i think there is some serious problem.
Edit: im 28, way too late for this sort of awakening, but kept myself distracted with psychedelics for a long time.
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