No idea what to do

[Zephyn]

So, I did this all to myself. I had a lot of bad influences, sure, but it is what it is. I grew up in hacker culture, manipulating my way around the world (not people, despite my reputation I've always been utterly (if not overly) transparent with my peers and family). I'm dealing with some pretty bad mental and physical health issues, compounding my problem. Many people have no sympathy for me, righteously. I lived a really good life, and if I died a peaceful death young, I wouldn't be too disappointed. I know a few ways I could solve my situation with crime, but prison is my worst fear, so I'd rather commit suicide, but I have no balls.

I dropped out of high-school at 15. I grew up rough. Getting bullied, not being able to focus in school, having all sorts of drugs tested on me. At 15, I met a friend who's mother was a serious drug addict. I also met a girlfriend. I spent 10 years in 3 back to back relationships. During this time I supported my reckless lifestyle scamming my way around the tech industry. I would work for some time, or do a clinical trial even, save some amount of money, then take off, travel the world for extended periods of time with my lovers, then crash and burn, go back to my families house, start the cycle all over. I got a lot of different skills, but didn't really specialize in anything in particular.

About 3 years ago, I started to fake my references, and land really high paying jobs. These usually lasted from 3 months-12 months, but I never converted to full time due to mostly bad life choices, like quitting to travel, or going into psychosis, or getting robbed and having equipment stolen. Any number of these positions could have had a career take off from it. And some I was actually pretty good at/they took a liking to me, and if I had not of bad horrible decisions at the time, I could very well still be in these high paying positions. Nevertheless, I got to live on multiple continents and make lots of useless happy memories. I also got really high.

Fast forward to now, my current situation. I'm living in a studio apartment with 750$ a month rent. I'm working one job for $50 an hour (for two days now). This job is nothing like I've ever worked with before, and I made that clear to them, but they wanted to hire me anyway. Now I'm looking at it and I'm not sure I can learn. Because of my mental state and because of my natural inclinations and also because I am lacking some experience I need. I wouldn't be surprised if this lasts 3 weeks. Going from winging devops engineer operations positions with scripting to developing code in c++ (on windows for that matter) for literal machines that without revealing too many personal details are used by some very smart scientists for research is another ball game. Even with the lies I told, idk why they'd think I could do this. There's another job that wants to hire me for the same hours I'm thinking of doubling up for as long as I can last, though I'm more qualified for this other one. It would require me to relocate In a few months, and that is not feasible. I have less than 4k savings. Even if I happen to like the other job, and it goes well, I feel like I need the "support" I get from my family who lives an hour a way who I see every weekend, as I am incredibly isolated in a new city (don't know anyone where they live or where I live as they moved to the middle of nowhere the past couple years). Not to mention most old friends have ghosted me (even some who I will never understand why), i never made friends super easily in the first place and then I never got super close to people, more focused on my relationships and there was a lot of rumors that went around about me. And the rest of my friendships I destroyed with drugs and psychosis and mental illness. Maybe 2 or 3 people left but no one I can count on.

Now to my family, who has been super supportive financially but emotionally has always been rather abusive. They see me every weekend to watch TV, but my mother has permenanrly kicked me out of there after I went into psychosis in her house a few times. I live close. But have been getting by on UE for the past year. That just expired. Even trying to talk to them about this makes them say hateful stuff, block me, insist that I should be able to continue scamming my way through jobs I am not qualified for, and telling me I'm on my own.

I maybe can survive 6 months.

Complicating all this, I have a DUI warrant in another state, plus another DUI that I'm dealing with in court. The warrant from many years ago is finally showing up on background checks, and made it difficult to even get this job. I had to counterfeit a letter from an attorney who doesn't exist and blame covid. This is not sustainable. I am going to have to turn myself in, which means no license for 4 years, and some jailtime. Public transport from where I'm at isn't good, even if I somehow made this last. I'm hoping to save enough to buy a car and drive illegally or even a scooter.

My mother insists I should be able to make it on my own, but with no job history to explain, and without lying seriously, and having to turn myself in, idk what to do.

I think the obvious solution at this point probably too late is to say, go to trade school, become an electrician or something, or try to find an entry level job position with what I do know in tech (a lot) and make things legit. I just don't know if my learning capacity is what it once was. And how would I explain without legit references at this point, as even the jobs that went well ended in tears thanks to my bad decisions? Or i could go to college. I'm not even opposed to working at a grocery store or something, working full time while putting myself thru college or trade school. I could always try fycking off to one of those dogmatic communist intentional communities. I could also try scamming or crime on a higher level, but doing it legally like I've been doing is hard. And taking off from the point I'm at is difficult, much less if I go turn myself in to clear my criminal record. Hard my family won't help, but it is what it is, sucks they won't even answer the call and accuse me of being high because I'm being "negative" and realistic, and keep insisting that taking medication or talking to a therapist will somehow help with this? Like I said, I have no one, I have 2 sisters and an older nephew but I doubt any would talk me in In emergency thanks to some of the states I found myself in during drug abuse during a tough divorce.

I have a fair bit of technical skills and have gotten jobs without seriously exaggerating my skills and routinely get job offers, but I find in the past 2 years most positions I get offered are a bit more advanced than my experience. I think I could have just got lucky for a while.

What is the best course of action, before I wind up homeless? (Further exasperating my mental illness and addictions[I'm strong but idk if that strong? I'm also dealing with serious ptsd that my friends and family have responded to horribly, probably because of the stigma of being a male rape victim of multiple assaults or idk why or dumping too much on people to
to be honest - tbh indirectly those assaults started this whole downfall] but I'm essentially sober and doing my best, and willing to cash all my chips in and live an honest life, but idk if its too late especially because my family won't help) and maybe leading to an untimely and miserable death or maybe hopefully peaceful suicide?


Even if I turned myself in tomorrow, got an attorney, bonded out, i don't know if during a worldwide pandemic is a good time to be looking for a normal entry level job.

I'm also dealing with the mental health stuff, and not sure if I need medicines I cannot help but abuse and ruin my life, need ECT (thankfully I have insurance and might try it soon), or am still suffering from antipsuchotic withdrawal due to overmedication after a few drug induced psychosis. With how daunting this new learning tasks seems mixed with my depression, and I've surprised myself before so maybe I really will learn c++ (15% chance at most), I cannot imagine college or trade school, but I at least have to try. This is why I'm considering ect. Or get on disability and learn how to get by on poverty, which would also be difficult to pull off at this point.

Even when I have a house stocked full of food, I have trouble eating probably due to stress or health problems, cannot even brush my teeth or clean up after myself (probably due to being institutionalized from rehabs), even when sober, i think there is some serious problem.

Edit: im 28, way too late for this sort of awakening, but kept myself distracted with psychedelics for a long time.

 

[Zephyn]

ITT: a total retard, an acid casualty, bad parenting (they should have thrown me out when I was 18, or not let me drop out of school to go travel, lol). I think my only option is to lie. I might be underestimating myself on the job, but I'm not sure its sustainable. I guess what I'm to do is to save as much money as I can milking these two jobs, one last scam, learn what I can, then figure out what the best entry level thing will be in the meantime. A worldwide pandemic coinciding with getting my life together, the fallout of my support network, and having to deal with warrants and such is going to be near impossible to get myself out of, but I have hope I can do it.

Mental health issues make it much more compounded, and likely wouldn't be in this predicament if I wasn't bipolar and adhd. Now to top it off, apparently I'm seriously unable to cope with the stress and am losing functioning abilities. Usually this is the point I relapse and go get strung out, but something feels different this time.

 

[Zephyn]

I've never had a job i felt like I couldn't do before, I don't even know what this company was thinking hiring me, because everything I said I could do on my resume, I've really done, and this is a completely different direction. I mean, I definitely qualify for an entry level devops role, and could do beyond that, which is still up there money wise, so the smartest thing would be to cultivate that, but I just don't know how to explain why I burned all the other bridges (usually getting fired after doing well for say 6 months for, say, smoking crack in the back of the building, or getting their laptops robbed from me, missing work, etc), and have no references for the past 10 years. I guess they don't really ask your age.

Why this company even hired me as I presented myself which is pretty much accurate as far as skillset goes, but not in work history, is beyond me. They are trying to get a operations systems engineer that's supported mostly web based platforms, basically, to learn to develop intensive programming for devices that do things I can't even begin to wrap my head around. And I told them point blank I have next to no programming experience. They still hired me. If they give me the duration of the contract, *maybe* I could do it, but during interviews I could never get a straight answer on how soon they'd expect someone to start contributing.

 

[Zephyn]

I did a lot of reading and c++ shouldn't be a huge issue. The job knows my background, and for some reason believes that I can come from working primarily with Linux systems supporting web applications and doing python scripting and automation to developing windows applications and debugging code and becoming a high level programmer. The challenge is making me sick to my stomach. I was upfront with them about not knowing if I could do it beforehand. I'm going to let them know again that I'm very overwhelmed. I've always felt confident before taking jobs and usually done well no problem, but this was a once off strange opportunity that I took due to desperation, and im not sure it was the right choice. I should maybe just work some easy job I know I can do for sure, while I get my mental health together and prove to myself I can take care of myself long term, but its too late to go back now. I should be studying c++, instead of panicking but I find myself just freaking out with no one to talk or vent to and absolutely no support network. I should maybe be taking Xanax or antidepressants but I'm too scared to take meds id get dependent on in case I lose health insurance or wind up homeless that would make it worse. I wouldn't need Xanax if I just took some grocery store job, but in order to function enough to learn fucking c++, I might have been able to do that when I was healthy but I can barely function as is right now. This is the opportunity of a lifetime again, if I can get my mental health together, I am smart enough to do this.

I just wish I had not have fucked up all my other references with drug addiction as I'm tired of having to lie to cover for my mistakes. I keep getting lucky with jobs who don't check my references well, but that luck won't last forever. And I should have kept looking for something I'm more familiar with. This is outside my comfort zone completely.


They grilled me with 4 person panel interview for 3 rounds of interviews for hours and were satisfied with my knowledge. But none of it is relevant to this job at all.

Learning simple c++ isn't hard. But going from nothing to developing software that controls physical devices with a gui interface, idk if they are using qt or what, I haven't seen the code yet. But just imagining is making me literally shit myself with diarrhea.

They hired me for my devops experience. Supporting and streamlining the testing and deployment of their applications is enough of a learning curve being that they are on windows, which im expected to do on top of eventually contributing to the codebase. 2 jobs at once.

 

[Zephyn]

Could someone move this to TDS.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Could someone move this to TDS.

@AlphaMethylPhenyl - just making sure you saw OP’s request to move the thread to another forum.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

I did a lot of reading and c++ shouldn't be a huge issue. The job knows my background, and for some reason believes that I can come from working primarily with Linux systems supporting web applications and doing python scripting and automation to developing windows applications and debugging code and becoming a high level programmer. The challenge is making me sick to my stomach. I was upfront with them about not knowing if I could do it beforehand. I'm going to let them know again that I'm very overwhelmed. I've always felt confident before taking jobs and usually done well no problem, but this was a once off strange opportunity that I took due to desperation, and im not sure it was the right choice. I should maybe just work some easy job I know I can do for sure, while I get my mental health together and prove to myself I can take care of myself long term, but its too late to go back now. I should be studying c++, instead of panicking but I find myself just freaking out with no one to talk or vent to and absolutely no support network. I should maybe be taking Xanax or antidepressants but I'm too scared to take meds id get dependent on in case I lose health insurance or wind up homeless that would make it worse. I wouldn't need Xanax if I just took some grocery store job, but in order to function enough to learn fucking c++, I might have been able to do that when I was healthy but I can barely function as is right now. This is the opportunity of a lifetime again, if I can get my mental health together, I am smart enough to do this.

I just wish I had not have fucked up all my other references with drug addiction as I'm tired of having to lie to cover for my mistakes. I keep getting lucky with jobs who don't check my references well, but that luck won't last forever. And I should have kept looking for something I'm more familiar with. This is outside my comfort zone completely.


They grilled me with 4 person panel interview for 3 rounds of interviews for hours and were satisfied with my knowledge. But none of it is relevant to this job at all.

Learning simple c++ isn't hard. But going from nothing to developing software that controls physical devices with a gui interface, idk if they are using qt or what, I haven't seen the code yet. But just imagining is making me literally shit myself with diarrhea

You'll learn it quick, don't sweat it, C++ isn't that hard and there are others working there as well.
It might just be a perfect fit and all might turn out to be a great decision looking back in the future. Persevere, they hired you because they saw something in you trust in your capabilities.

Shitty advice with respect to anxiety and related things but you're smart enough, that's step 1 :D

 

[Zephyn]

You'll learn it quick, don't sweat it, C++ isn't that hard and there are others working there as well.
It might just be a perfect fit and all might turn out to be a great decision looking back in the future. Persevere, they hired you because they saw something in you trust in your capabilities.

Shitty advice with respect to anxiety and related things but you're smart enough, that's step 1 :D

I was smart enough when I was healthy. But I can't stop shitting myself and panicking. I also have brain damage these days. Idk if I can learn as quick as I once did, especially with this completely alien role. I mean its taking all the things I DONT have experience with and putting them together into one role. That's a great opportunity but also too stressful for my current situation which could turn into homelessness if I'm not careful.

This isn't just some custom server in c++, this is some shit controlling lasers and robot arms and shit.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

Yeah but you can try right? They won't fire you after a week, so you'll have some money for sure and see how it goes.

Code gets reviewed, you get feedback, I've worked a couple software dev student jobs and shit gets carried by a couple key devs reviewing and fixing others code. You'll be of some value at least, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but you didn't lose anything right? Also, just be open, ask questions, raise concerns with colleagues, have clear plans of what to do and how, there'll be plenty of time to Google things

 

[Zephyn]

Yeah but you can try right? They won't fire you after a week, so you'll have some money for sure and see how it goes.

Code gets reviewed, you get feedback, I've worked a couple software dev student jobs and shit gets carried by a couple key devs reviewing and fixing others code. You'll be of some value at least, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but you didn't lose anything right? Also, just be open, ask questions, raise concerns with colleagues, have clear plans of what to do and how, there'll be plenty of time to Google things

Thats the thing with c++ as opposed to python. Its all custom code, there aren't clearly and elaborately documented functions available from Google.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

Also (off topic), people should really stop using C++, way too complicated and there are always loads of memory leaks.

Thats the thing with c++ as opposed to python. Its all custom code, there aren't clearly and elaborately documented functions available from Google.

Yes but core principles are the same, as long as you have example code from others you'll do more than fine.
I gather that you can program like uhm programming exercises of varying difficulties?

 

[Zephyn]

Also (off topic), people should really stop using C++, way too complicated and there are always loads of memory leaks.

Yes but core principles are the same, as long as you have example code from others you'll do more than fine.
I gather that you can program like uhm programming exercises of varying difficulties?

Yeah, simple stuff is no problem or different from scripting.

 

[Zephyn]

Also (off topic), people should really stop using C++, way too complicated and there are always loads of memory leaks.

Yes but core principles are the same, as long as you have example code from others you'll do more than fine.
I gather that you can program like uhm programming exercises of varying difficulties?

Core principles are not the same, like I barely have an understanding of OOP

 

[ControlDaddy]

Wow. You've got a lot going on in your noggin. I am not sure where to begin. Yes, I am. While you are unraveling your circumstances and simplifying (by prioritizing) your short term goals, remember to pause, try to take some deep breaths, and let your mind zero out to the extent that you can. I am about 4 degrees warmer and feel a slight tremor in my eyelid just from reading all of this. I can see why you are feeling so ungrounded.

I think priority one should be getting past the worst, most concrete of your problems, the outstanding warrants and other criminal legal matters.

Until this is handled, I am afraid you are going to continue to spin your wheels, trying to go through a brick wall.

You are not going to do well as a fugitive here in the States, and you probably won't love living in exile either. There really isn't any way to get around your criminal record, at this point, the worst thing you can do is continue to delay. You aren't an average criminal. An average criminal would know they are collared and done his bid sooner than later. I suggest you think along those lines as well. They call it the long arm of the law for a reason, no one really gets away with anything once they are caught.

Since you may continue to put that off in any case, the next priority should be your current employment issues, which I think you are just facing too many unknowns at once, and catastrophizing something that might be a great opportunity for you. I will come back to that.

You said a few times, you would feel your career would be best righted by finding an entry level devops job. I think this is somewhat flawed. You are already more skilled as a devops engineer than entry level, so why not continue using primarily your sysadmin skills to succeed in that role. I can be a reference for you, and I can help you find others, or help you formulate a truthful explanation to potential employers about your lack of references. Once again, I think you are trying to avoid something you should instead face head on. You are only 28, I think it is reasonable for you to tell a truthful tale about being very young when you started a career in a field with exceedingly high professional standards. Nevertheless, you succeed wildly at first but unfortunately made some youthful oversights and transgressions. Coming to see it as a learning experience, you have taken some time to right the ship, and you are now just looking for the right opportunity to excel again.

On the other hand, you have in hand, a golden opportunity to learn an entirely new discipline, software engineering, which IMO will take you from being a good devops engineer, to being the cream of the crop, once you have become proficient with it. It is the Dev side of DevOps that you don't yet have, and most of the candidates for those roles are in the same boat as you. You will stand out and get some killer offers if you can present yourself as a bona fide developer who can also do all the Ops sid stuff expertly.

What Buzz and I are seeing, I think that you aren't, is that in this role, you probably aren't expected to churn out the results the way you do in a role where the code you write is basically mostly independent scripts and routines, and the systems you are building are made from well-known components. SE is much more creative than that, as you noted, you are working in a custom domain, and the domain is something you have zero experience with. The system is not well-known, except to a few developers in this organization that are senior to you. This is totally normal for all entry level developer jobs, and more often than not the case for experienced developers as well. So slow down, take your time, and be satisfied if at the end of the day, you have managed to grok just one new thing about the system you are going to be a developer of.

Yeah but you can try right? They won't fire you after a week, so you'll have some money for sure and see how it goes.

Code gets reviewed, you get feedback, I've worked a couple software dev student jobs and shit gets carried by a couple key devs reviewing and fixing others code. You'll be of some value at least, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but you didn't lose anything right? Also, just be open, ask questions, raise concerns with colleagues, have clear plans of what to do and how, there'll be plenty of time to Google things

I am sure that your employer has these key devs that Buzz mentioned. You may need to advocate your need for their assistance getting going. They can help you, and should, get the fundamentals of the system and development processes going at first. I usually was one of those lead devs, and I would proactively sit with new developers, for a week, maybe longer and help them get their dev tooling in place, there development environment configured, run the unit tests, integrate with the testing and staging environments, etc., until they could build their own local instance of the system and commit code for review. Also, I can probably help you with some of your issues developing in C++ on .NET, I was in pretty much the same situation for a petty cash contract just a few years ago, and if I was without my substantial SE background, I would have felt much like you do trying to get that rolling. It still took me two weeks to have a handle on the fundamentals of that development platform, it should take you quite a bit longer, I would think. And I would think your employers expectations would be commensurate.

 

[Zephyn]

Wow. You've got a lot going on in your noggin. I am not sure where to begin. Yes, I am. While you are unraveling your circumstances and simplifying (by prioritizing) your short term goals, remember to pause, try to take some deep breaths, and let your mind zero out to the extent that you can. I am about 4 degrees warmer and feel a slight tremor in my eyelid just from reading all of this. I can see why you are feeling so ungrounded.

I think priority one should be getting past the worst, most concrete of your problems, the outstanding warrants and other criminal legal matters.

Until this is handled, I am afraid you are going to continue to spin your wheels, trying to go through a brick wall.

You are not going to do well as a fugitive here in the States, and you probably won't love living in exile either. There really isn't any way to get around your criminal record, at this point, the worst thing you can do is continue to delay. You aren't an average criminal. An average criminal would know they are collared and done his bid sooner than later. I suggest you think along those lines as well. They call it the long arm of the law for a reason, no one really gets away with anything once they are caught.

Since you may continue to put that off in any case, the next priority should be your current employment issues, which I think you are just facing too many unknowns at once, and catastrophizing something that might be a great opportunity for you. I will come back to that.

You said a few times, you would feel your career would be best righted by finding an entry level devops job. I think this is somewhat flawed. You are already more skilled as a devops engineer than entry level, so why not continue using primarily your sysadmin skills to succeed in that role. I can be a reference for you, and I can help you find others, or help you formulate a truthful explanation to potential employers about your lack of references. Once again, I think you are trying to avoid something you should instead face head on. You are only 28, I think it is reasonable for you to tell a truthful tale about being very young when you started a career in a field with exceedingly high professional standards. Nevertheless, you succeed wildly at first but unfortunately made some youthful oversights and transgressions. Coming to see it as a learning experience, you have taken some time to right the ship, and you are now just looking for the right opportunity to excel again.

On the other hand, you have in hand, a golden opportunity to learn an entirely new discipline, software engineering, which IMO will take you from being a good devops engineer, to being the cream of the crop, once you have become proficient with it. It is the Dev side of DevOps that you don't yet have, and most of the candidates for those roles are in the same boat as you. You will stand out and get some killer offers if you can present yourself as a bona fide developer who can also do all the Ops sid stuff expertly.

What Buzz and I are seeing, I think that you aren't, is that in this role, you probably aren't expected to churn out the results the way you do in a role where the code you write is basically mostly independent scripts and routines, and the systems you are building are made from well-known components. SE is much more creative than that, as you noted, you are working in a custom domain, and the domain is something you have zero experience with. The system is not well-known, except to a few developers in this organization that are senior to you. This is totally normal for all entry level developer jobs, and more often than not the case for experienced developers as well. So slow down, take your time, and be satisfied if at the end of the day, you have managed to grok just one new thing about the system you are going to be a developer of.

I am sure that your employer has these key devs that Buzz mentioned. You may need to advocate your need for their assistance getting going. They can help you, and should, get the fundamentals of the system and development processes going at first. I usually was one of those lead devs, and I would proactively sit with new developers, for a week, maybe longer and help them get their dev tooling in place, there development environment configured, run the unit tests, integrate with the testing and staging environments, etc., until they could build their own local instance of the system and commit code for review. Also, I can probably help you with some of your issues developing in C++ on .NET, I was in pretty much the same situation for a petty cash contract just a few years ago, and if I was without my substantial SE background, I would have felt much like you do trying to get that rolling. It still took me two weeks to have a handle on the fundamentals of that development platform, it should take you quite a bit longer, I would think. And I would think your employers expectations would be commensurate.

When it comes down to it, I just am worried that taking something like this on when my mental health is so fragile I can barely do the essentials like cook and clean might have been a bad choice. I'm also wondering if I have the ability to learn to program anymore or if I ruined my capacity with drugs. I'm experiencing some serious cognitive decline with age and some permenant side effects from an array of different classic and experimental drugs of all classes, many times in overdose quantities for an extremely extended period of time. Maybe mixed with some chronic mental health conditions. Regulating my brain chemistry is probably impossible with the current line of treatment we have with the poor understanding of human consciousness in general. I'm not even sure if I could hold a job long term with my impulsively which maybe these last few years of crisis is finally starting to clique, or maybe I'm bipolar, maybe my parents didn't kick me out young enough and I just thought they'd always be around for when I fuck up, but I'm not sure if I'm capable of holding down a job even if I give it my all. I have skills, don't get me wrong, and they are valuable for some reason that escapes me why it's such a big industry, but I'm not sure I'm capable of even living a normal life at this point. All I know is traveling and festivals. The real world is harsh, cold, and overwhelming. I understand why people commit suicide. I might wind up doing it eventually, im going to give it a shot first, and its going to be hard when I am living with physical aches all over my body, terrible stomach issues, heart wrenching anxiety and emotional pain, and really no feasible support network, with family who won't even offer advise and tell me to talk to go to a hospital for a conversation. I never had too many close friends, only a few girlfriends I got extremely close (way too close) with. I'm annoying, clingy, and because I'm in a crisis, can appear self centered though I make an effort not to be, I'm just very needy. I don't know if the friends I did have were just shitty friends, or if I'm really not worthy of friendship, but at this point nearly everyone has ghosted me without explaining why, I never try to hurt anyone or anything and am not a mean person and don't usually lash out at people even when using drugs, so other than the fact that I was abusing drugs and the stigma attached, that's really the only thing that changed but I lost all my remaining friends over it that I had left after my breakups, and for trying to reach out for emotional support after some sexual assaults that were so ridiculous people don't even believe me that it happened. Maybe they all think I'm a liar. Thats really fucked up, but it is what it is. I'm not going to tell anyone else about it. The few friends I do have live all over the country if not the world, so they really couldn't help me either if shit hit the fan. I wouldn't even want to ask. All I ever expect out of a friend is someone to talk to. There's only one person I know locally and I have canceled plans and meetup events I organized because I'm too unwell to meet new people.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Horse. Cart. First things first. You have some emotional support right here, and I am not the only Bluelighter offering that. Next, what if you surrender, go do your bid, take that time to dry out, rest, clear your head? You could stop worrying right now about a career you will have to suspend inevitably anyways, and which right now you are having extreme difficulties with for a multitude of reasons. (Or at least, you are perceiving them as a multitude.)

 

[CfZrx]

So, I did this all to myself. I had a lot of bad influences, sure, but it is what it is. I grew up in hacker culture, manipulating my way around the world (not people, despite my reputation I've always been utterly (if not overly) transparent with my peers and family). I'm dealing with some pretty bad mental and physical health issues, compounding my problem. Many people have no sympathy for me, righteously. I lived a really good life, and if I died a peaceful death young, I wouldn't be too disappointed. I know a few ways I could solve my situation with crime, but prison is my worst fear, so I'd rather commit suicide, but I have no balls.

I dropped out of high-school at 15. I grew up rough. Getting bullied, not being able to focus in school, having all sorts of drugs tested on me. At 15, I met a friend who's mother was a serious drug addict. I also met a girlfriend. I spent 10 years in 3 back to back relationships. During this time I supported my reckless lifestyle scamming my way around the tech industry. I would work for some time, or do a clinical trial even, save some amount of money, then take off, travel the world for extended periods of time with my lovers, then crash and burn, go back to my families house, start the cycle all over. I got a lot of different skills, but didn't really specialize in anything in particular.

About 3 years ago, I started to fake my references, and land really high paying jobs. These usually lasted from 3 months-12 months, but I never converted to full time due to mostly bad life choices, like quitting to travel, or going into psychosis, or getting robbed and having equipment stolen. Any number of these positions could have had a career take off from it. And some I was actually pretty good at/they took a liking to me, and if I had not of bad horrible decisions at the time, I could very well still be in these high paying positions. Nevertheless, I got to live on multiple continents and make lots of useless happy memories. I also got really high.

Fast forward to now, my current situation. I'm living in a studio apartment with 750$ a month rent. I'm working one job for $50 an hour (for two days now). This job is nothing like I've ever worked with before, and I made that clear to them, but they wanted to hire me anyway. Now I'm looking at it and I'm not sure I can learn. Because of my mental state and because of my natural inclinations and also because I am lacking some experience I need. I wouldn't be surprised if this lasts 3 weeks. Going from winging devops engineer operations positions with scripting to developing code in c++ (on windows for that matter) for literal machines that without revealing too many personal details are used by some very smart scientists for research is another ball game. Even with the lies I told, idk why they'd think I could do this. There's another job that wants to hire me for the same hours I'm thinking of doubling up for as long as I can last, though I'm more qualified for this other one. It would require me to relocate In a few months, and that is not feasible. I have less than 4k savings. Even if I happen to like the other job, and it goes well, I feel like I need the "support" I get from my family who lives an hour a way who I see every weekend, as I am incredibly isolated in a new city (don't know anyone where they live or where I live as they moved to the middle of nowhere the past couple years). Not to mention most old friends have ghosted me (even some who I will never understand why), i never made friends super easily in the first place and then I never got super close to people, more focused on my relationships and there was a lot of rumors that went around about me. And the rest of my friendships I destroyed with drugs and psychosis and mental illness. Maybe 2 or 3 people left but no one I can count on.

Now to my family, who has been super supportive financially but emotionally has always been rather abusive. They see me every weekend to watch TV, but my mother has permenanrly kicked me out of there after I went into psychosis in her house a few times. I live close. But have been getting by on UE for the past year. That just expired. Even trying to talk to them about this makes them say hateful stuff, block me, insist that I should be able to continue scamming my way through jobs I am not qualified for, and telling me I'm on my own.

I maybe can survive 6 months.

Complicating all this, I have a DUI warrant in another state, plus another DUI that I'm dealing with in court. The warrant from many years ago is finally showing up on background checks, and made it difficult to even get this job. I had to counterfeit a letter from an attorney who doesn't exist and blame covid. This is not sustainable. I am going to have to turn myself in, which means no license for 4 years, and some jailtime. Public transport from where I'm at isn't good, even if I somehow made this last. I'm hoping to save enough to buy a car and drive illegally or even a scooter.

My mother insists I should be able to make it on my own, but with no job history to explain, and without lying seriously, and having to turn myself in, idk what to do.

I think the obvious solution at this point probably too late is to say, go to trade school, become an electrician or something, or try to find an entry level job position with what I do know in tech (a lot) and make things legit. I just don't know if my learning capacity is what it once was. And how would I explain without legit references at this point, as even the jobs that went well ended in tears thanks to my bad decisions? Or i could go to college. I'm not even opposed to working at a grocery store or something, working full time while putting myself thru college or trade school. I could always try fycking off to one of those dogmatic communist intentional communities. I could also try scamming or crime on a higher level, but doing it legally like I've been doing is hard. And taking off from the point I'm at is difficult, much less if I go turn myself in to clear my criminal record. Hard my family won't help, but it is what it is, sucks they won't even answer the call and accuse me of being high because I'm being "negative" and realistic, and keep insisting that taking medication or talking to a therapist will somehow help with this? Like I said, I have no one, I have 2 sisters and an older nephew but I doubt any would talk me in In emergency thanks to some of the states I found myself in during drug abuse during a tough divorce.

I have a fair bit of technical skills and have gotten jobs without seriously exaggerating my skills and routinely get job offers, but I find in the past 2 years most positions I get offered are a bit more advanced than my experience. I think I could have just got lucky for a while.

What is the best course of action, before I wind up homeless? (Further exasperating my mental illness and addictions[I'm strong but idk if that strong? I'm also dealing with serious ptsd that my friends and family have responded to horribly, probably because of the stigma of being a male rape victim of multiple assaults or idk why or dumping too much on people to
to be honest - tbh indirectly those assaults started this whole downfall] but I'm essentially sober and doing my best, and willing to cash all my chips in and live an honest life, but idk if its too late especially because my family won't help) and maybe leading to an untimely and miserable death or maybe hopefully peaceful suicide?


Even if I turned myself in tomorrow, got an attorney, bonded out, i don't know if during a worldwide pandemic is a good time to be looking for a normal entry level job.

I'm also dealing with the mental health stuff, and not sure if I need medicines I cannot help but abuse and ruin my life, need ECT (thankfully I have insurance and might try it soon), or am still suffering from antipsuchotic withdrawal due to overmedication after a few drug induced psychosis. With how daunting this new learning tasks seems mixed with my depression, and I've surprised myself before so maybe I really will learn c++ (15% chance at most), I cannot imagine college or trade school, but I at least have to try. This is why I'm considering ect. Or get on disability and learn how to get by on poverty, which would also be difficult to pull off at this point.

Even when I have a house stocked full of food, I have trouble eating probably due to stress or health problems, cannot even brush my teeth or clean up after myself (probably due to being institutionalized from rehabs), even when sober, i think there is some serious problem.

Edit: im 28, way too late for this sort of awakening, but kept myself distracted with psychedelics for a long time.

I admit I didnt read the whole thing, but my first thought was look into zoom counseling from a top therapist in a cheap country like Thailand or Ecuador. Are those still cheap? You can get a much better quality therapist thanks to ZOOM.

 

[Zephyn]

Horse. Cart. First things first. You have some emotional support right here, and I am not the only Bluelighter offering that. Next, what if you surrender, go do your bid, take that time to dry out, rest, clear your head? You could stop worrying right now about a career you will have to suspend inevitably anyways, and which right now you are having extreme difficulties with for a multitude of reasons. (Or at least, you are perceiving them as a multitude.)

I don't have enough of savings to be able to pay my rent while I am in jail, or cover me until I find another job, or pay my bail or pay the attorney who can try to get me a bail hearing (no guarentees) after im initially denied it. This warrant wasn't showing on background checks for any other job I got, quite a few, for the past couple years and suddenly started showing up, now on 2 different positions. I don't know for sure if I got unlucky and these were more in depth, as far as I knew warrants didn't show only convictions, or if it just had been lost in the system for a few years. Its also not extraditable, so as long as I don't go to that state I'm not able to be arrested for it. If I could survive the next 5 years somehow, it wouldn't show up at all on any possible background check. But I don't know if that's feasible. I don't want to wait years to eventually have to go turn myself in in which case the counter for losing my license for 4 years starts at that point.

 

[ControlDaddy]

I am asking you to consider, copping to the charges, asking the judge to immediately sentence you, and to do the time you are sentenced for, if any of it is not suspended (for a first offense, I doubt you would get jany ail time, you will likely get any sentence "suspended", pending you get through a probation period, but IDK the specifics). Again, I don't know the specifics of your case, so I don't know for sure what the above has to do with what, and so on.

 

[Zephyn]

I am asking you to consider, copping to the charges, asking the judge to immediately sentence you, and to do the time you are sentenced for, if any of it is not suspended (for a first offense, I doubt you would get jany ail time, you will likely get any sentence "suspended", pending you get through a probation period, but IDK the specifics). Again, I don't know the specifics of your case, so I don't know for sure what the above has to do with what, and so on.

There are two duis. The first one, was many years ago and I have a warrant for it. The other is pending and I have an attorney for it. Because the first one happened first, and i hadn't been convicted of a dui yet when the second happened, they can't upgrade the charge, so both are technically first offenses. I likely wouldn't get more than a few weeks in jail for either. What stops me from turning myself in, is there's a chance the one I'm currently in court for is dropped down from a dui, and I won't lose my license at all. Worst case scenario, if I don't go turn myself in, from the other one is id lose it for one year. If I turn myself in for the other, and I do get convicted of both, id lose it for 4 years which I can't even imagine getting by that long. There's a chance I could do the "right" thing, face both, and only lose it for a year, but its unlikely and I am probably not going to be able to drive for 4 years, which means if I do wind up.homeless I won't even have a vehicle to fall back on. Consequences suck man. I am just wondering if this warrant is going to show on all background checks now, and I just got lucky for a few years, or if I could get by with it on my record.