Setting: In S's car, off-road in a secluded spot
Set: Tired due to the lateness of night, ready for some meaningless hedonism
Well, what's there to say? Mostly, it was a typical nitrous binge: we had two "bricks" of ten boxes of bulbs between the myself, S and B (200 bulbs total). We smoked a decent amount of pot too, with the bulb machine and the pipe passing in a circle. After a while we were all gone, mindlessly/automatically taking bulbs and passing the machine. We were listening to a mix CD that had been put together some days before, with some of my favourite bands on it. The night progressed, and all was uneventful until one bulb tore reality a new one.
In typical nitrous style, "I" had dissolved away, but instead of being completely unaware of my surroundings, I was right there with the music. I had no thoughts, I was unaware of existence; I felt one thing alone, and that was the song that was playing. The music was all, and all was the music. The vocals stood out as the closest thing to "I" or "me" that was fathomable. I was the vocals, and the music was reality. As I snapped back further, the glow from the blue neons inside S's car integrated into the experience, and now all-that-is was both the music and the experience of blueness. Suddenly my mind raced; a million thoughts happened at once, and an immense sense of déjà vu set the stage for a realisation.
I felt that I'd seen this coming quite some time ago. Not in any direct sense, but there was that strong recollection of a vague "memory" of sorts, representing something not unlike this experience. The explicit similarity was that both of these experiences were an abrupt disconnect from reality. It was kind of like having a conversation with music playing in the background, and someone suddenly turning the volume all the way up: the conversation is completely interrupted, and the only thing anybody is capable of perceiving is the loudness of the sound. This déjà vu, while imprecise, seemed amazingly accurate. Reality's volume knob had been pushed straight to eleven instantaneously, and as a result, not only was logical thought completely impossible, so was everything. The only thing I knew was awareness of... something. I didn't (and likely couldn't, had I tried to) relate anything to "self". There was only what-is, and what was was blue neon light and Someone Here is Missing by The Pineapple Thief. The Now did not include "me".
As I snapped back further, and the familiarity of sober reality washed over me once more, I became aware of S and B in the car. B had the bulb machine, so I addressed S.
"What... the fuck just happened?"
S replied in the deep voice of someone exhaling nitrous, "What?"
"I... I don't know anything about what happened," I croaked. Wait. I knew what happened; I'd just been through it. "I know exactly what happened."
I realised I'd just experienced something that would be incredibly difficult to communicate. It certainly proved to be an experience to chew on. I am still unsure of any accurate way to put what I thought, felt and saw into words, but I hope this vague description of an experience so far removed from language serves to inform some of those brave souls who choose to explore every level of their consciousness.
Set: Tired due to the lateness of night, ready for some meaningless hedonism
Well, what's there to say? Mostly, it was a typical nitrous binge: we had two "bricks" of ten boxes of bulbs between the myself, S and B (200 bulbs total). We smoked a decent amount of pot too, with the bulb machine and the pipe passing in a circle. After a while we were all gone, mindlessly/automatically taking bulbs and passing the machine. We were listening to a mix CD that had been put together some days before, with some of my favourite bands on it. The night progressed, and all was uneventful until one bulb tore reality a new one.
In typical nitrous style, "I" had dissolved away, but instead of being completely unaware of my surroundings, I was right there with the music. I had no thoughts, I was unaware of existence; I felt one thing alone, and that was the song that was playing. The music was all, and all was the music. The vocals stood out as the closest thing to "I" or "me" that was fathomable. I was the vocals, and the music was reality. As I snapped back further, the glow from the blue neons inside S's car integrated into the experience, and now all-that-is was both the music and the experience of blueness. Suddenly my mind raced; a million thoughts happened at once, and an immense sense of déjà vu set the stage for a realisation.
I felt that I'd seen this coming quite some time ago. Not in any direct sense, but there was that strong recollection of a vague "memory" of sorts, representing something not unlike this experience. The explicit similarity was that both of these experiences were an abrupt disconnect from reality. It was kind of like having a conversation with music playing in the background, and someone suddenly turning the volume all the way up: the conversation is completely interrupted, and the only thing anybody is capable of perceiving is the loudness of the sound. This déjà vu, while imprecise, seemed amazingly accurate. Reality's volume knob had been pushed straight to eleven instantaneously, and as a result, not only was logical thought completely impossible, so was everything. The only thing I knew was awareness of... something. I didn't (and likely couldn't, had I tried to) relate anything to "self". There was only what-is, and what was was blue neon light and Someone Here is Missing by The Pineapple Thief. The Now did not include "me".
As I snapped back further, and the familiarity of sober reality washed over me once more, I became aware of S and B in the car. B had the bulb machine, so I addressed S.
"What... the fuck just happened?"
S replied in the deep voice of someone exhaling nitrous, "What?"
"I... I don't know anything about what happened," I croaked. Wait. I knew what happened; I'd just been through it. "I know exactly what happened."
I realised I'd just experienced something that would be incredibly difficult to communicate. It certainly proved to be an experience to chew on. I am still unsure of any accurate way to put what I thought, felt and saw into words, but I hope this vague description of an experience so far removed from language serves to inform some of those brave souls who choose to explore every level of their consciousness.
