Testing the ties that bind us
Author: Words Paula Goodyer
Date: 11/01/2007
Being there for someone with a drug addiction can make the difference between life and death.
Nicole Kidman makes headlines when her husband's drug dependency becomes news but thousands of other Australians are in a similar situation - living with someone else's substance abuse.
Their numbers are unknown but the guess is the 23,000 parents, partners and other relatives of drug users who call the Family Drug Support Helpline each year are the tip of the iceberg. A 2001 estimate put the numbers of heroin-dependent people in Australia at about 98,000 and while this figure has probably fallen since then, if you add those who are dependent on alcohol, cannabis and amphetamines you have a lot of people - all with parents, partners and children whose lives become changed when someone they love becomes dependent on a drug.
One of them is Lainie*, a Sydney health worker in her 40s who's struggling with a dilemma common to people in her situation. Does she ask her 45-year-old partner - who has become dependent on ice - to leave, but worry that he may become homeless? Or does she live with the situation, knowing he's safer but wonder if she's making it easier for him to continue his drug use by letting him stay?
"For me, it's lonely and sad. He's either physically or emotionally absent - out of the house for four days, then at home asleep for the next four days. He's not fulfilling the role of a partner, just occupying space in my life and my house which could be filled with a real relationship," she says.
"The decision is excruciating. He's a decent man, not aggressive. He's a workaholic who began using ice to get more work done - or maybe that was an excuse. Now he's lost his business and I've paid the debts. If I were a parent, the decision would be easier. I'd let him stay. But someone said to me 'You're making it easy for him to come down in comfort. If he had to deal with coming down in a less comfortable place like the pavement, maybe it would motivate him to change.' But I know homeless people get bashed up," says Lainie. "What you really want is a magic wand."
There is no magic wand but at least there's more support for the partners and families of drug- and alcohol-dependent people. Not long ago, families were largely overlooked by the professionals who treat drug dependency. Attention was focused on helping the drug user, while partners, parents, siblings and children were left to cope with the grief, fear and sometimes chaos, violence and theft that come with loving someone with an addiction. But now more than 400 people have graduated from a course available in NSW and Canberra that provides a path for families living with a drug-dependent person. Called Stepping Stones to Success, it's run by Family Drug Support and includes education about addiction and strategies for coping with the fallout of drug dependence. This year it's expanding to Adelaide, Perth, Brisbane and Geelong.
"Ten years ago families were seen as a problem, as being volatile or emotional or perhaps contributing to the person's dependency," says Tony Trimingham, the head of Family Drug Support and a former relationship counsellor who developed the program. "While there are some families who have been part of the problem, this isn't true of most."
Typically, he says, parents go through stages when they find out a child has a problem with alcohol or drugs. The first reaction is to feel guilty and blame themselves, the second is to become determined to fix the person's problem.
"It can divide the parents - typically the father will take a shape-up-or-ship-out approach, while the mother does a juggling act, trying to keep everyone happy, rescuing her child but not telling her partner. It can split the couple, with one parent, saying 'It's your fault, you're too hard' and the other saying 'It's your fault, you're too soft'. The aim of Stepping Stones is to move both to the centre. There's no formula. Everyone has to find their own way," he says.
The program also teaches families that while you can't make the person stop, you can change yourself and manage the situation more easily.
But while Stepping Stones is about giving families the tools to cope, it's also about strengthening the relationship between the family and the dependent person - which improves the drug user's chance of recovery, Trimingham says.
"When families do better the drug user tends to do better - it's when the drug user becomes disconnected that they're more likely to end up on the street, or with a more destructive peer group. Families who cope better are experts in what makes the dependent person tick and can help keep them motivated when they struggle with treatment.
"You hear the same thing over again from people who've recovered or cut down their drug use: 'I'm so pleased my family stuck by me, otherwise I'd probably be dead'.
"It's a harm minimisation approach - you might not make all the major changes today but you're keeping them safe until they're ready to give up. You're buying time."
Families often live with the anxiety of knowing someone they love is in trouble with the law or risking overdose. They're all kinds of families, too. "Our evidence is that it can happen to any family and that less than 50 per cent of drug users fit the stereotype of someone from a dysfunctional family ... most drug-dependent people are connected to their families, many have jobs," Trimingham says.
"If you're a partner, you have more choice about whether to go or stay. Parents don't usually have that. FDS tells you to follow your heart and make a choice you can live with. Some people take a tough approach, some are softer. But even if you ask someone to leave, you can make it clear you're not abandoning them and stay connected. Even if you take out an apprehended violence order you can still stay connected and have a sense of love and support."
* Names have been changed.
Strengthening bonds
Better Relationships in Every Family, a program for residents and their families at the Sydney rehabilitation centre Odyssey House, improves a drug-dependent person's chances of recovery, according to James Pitts, the chief executive officer of Odyssey House.
"Seventy per cent of Odyssey's graduates are still drug free one year later - most are those who have completed the BRIEF course with their families."
The six-week program, commended in last year's National Drug and Alcohol Awards, makes a difference because families gain a better understanding of dependence, better communication skills and learn that trust, often a casualty of living with someone with an addiction, can be rebuilt, he says.
"Families and drug users need help to resolve their problems, otherwise the user finishes treatment and goes home to the same unresolved issues. For someone who's using drugs, just knowing they have support can help them recover but if they don't have that support, it's easier to feel they have nothing to lose by continuing."
For more information
Family Drug Support
1300 368 186, www.fds.org.au
Odyssey House 9820 9999
Source: SMH
Publication: Sydney Morning Herald
Section: Essential
Page: 10
