heroin_queen
Bluelighter
Hello I am new here! Newly registered anyway, I've been coming here for help/information/research since the beginning of my "heroin career" ha :/ I started using heroin last summer, it started out as just a weekend thing with my boyfriend of 10 years. I've been battling his addiction for some time now and in a moment of desperation my brain came up with this brilliant idea that I should try it. Since I couldn't very well tell him he shouldn't do something without first experiencing it for myself, right? Yeah, I'm a genius.
I had hoped that he would not want me to progress to a full blown addict and would magically say, "hey I'm done with this shit." Well it didn't work that way. Every time it was the very last time. And I believed it. And then one day he said "wanna get high one last time" for the 40th or something time, and I noticed my heart started racing and I got this extreme craving and I wanted nothing more than to say "yes! Yes I do!"
Then I started calling our dealer on my own and getting my own stuff. I would experience wd's when I didn't even know they were wd's. Restlessness, depression, insomnia, body aches etc. I had a problem though. I worked part time as a cashier at a pet store for minimum vwage and got paid bi weekly. So my funds were limited. I ended up spending every dime Id get on heroin, save for 20$ for cigarettes. He gets paid waaayy more than me so he would be steady high all week long, and lie about it even though I could clearly tell he was high. That began to strain our relationship very badly. Luckily at the time I could make one 40 bag last for like 5 shots as I didn't need a lot, and our guy would front them to me. So I spent the week cuffing every other day, get paid, pay him back, and start all over again.
Then one day it was getting very close to our move date, my mother was moving out of state and paid our first and last on an apt so I wouldn't be homeless when she left. He genuinely wanted to stop and begged me to help. So I did. I quit. I did my last shot the morning of our move. Three days later, dope sick in bed together, he had his brother bring home a couple suboxone strips. (My idea, bc he used to take them daily a year before when he had no tolerance and was doing very well) I can't take them sublingually bc the taste makes me vomit. Just the smell or thought of the taste makes me cringe. So I waited til he was sleeping and IV'ed it. I'd never felt better. I began IV'ing them for the next couple months, not every day but very frequently. I was doing really well. And so was he, for a time. Then came the day he came home high. I got the usual runaround. He's not high, he did a suboxone. Right.. Thankfully the suboxone staved my craving for it and the fact that I had abstained from heroin from so long and I was proud of it, so I was able go refrain from relapsing. I forgave him, let it go. One slip up is nothing. Then it started happening every Friday on his pay day. He started blaming me, saying that I shoot my subs and get high every say so who am I to say anything if he spends our money on dope and gets high once or twice a week? I didn't get high off the subs, as many of you know you must be opiate naive which I am not to really get jammed off those. Sure I got a nice slight buzz and I truly felt good while on them, but nothing compared to being on dope. And I was spending waaaayyy less on them. In march of this year I got sick of seeing him high. Being reminded of the beautiful nods and not getting the same relief out of shooting my subs I began to yearn for the rush. I broke down and bought 2 bags. Oh my. It wasn't as strong bc I had been on the subs for some time but it was beautiful all the same. Then I found a bag of his in his drawer, shot that. Eventually we got high together again. I said I was sick of him lying about it. Its obvious. Just give me some. And it was the "last time". It was great. We had great sex, bonded and got closer for a while even. Pay day came and we'd get a bunch and get nice and high. Then came the day where I woke up sick. Great. Now I need it. Bills are pushed on the back burner, we just barely get our rent paid, and that weekend around the first is EXCRUCIATING. I owe just about everyone I know money, except my poor dad who says I don't need to pay him back. No one knows its all going to heroin.
Anyway, me and my boyfriend have gone from lovers to enemies in a matter of months. He still makes more than me, even though I have a slightly better job that pays weekly instead of biweekly. And until a week or two ago he would get paid and play like we were getting clean. I'd be sick as fuck and he'd come home high and lie about having any more. We would viciously fight and it was horrible. I beg him for shots in the morning and despite knowing how high my tolerance is he gives me complete noob shots. Just enough to stave away WD for a few hours and I go to work hours later sick. Then I get paid and HALLELUJAH I spend every dime I have on dope and make it last as long as possible. We desperately want to get clean now but our schedules don't allow it. We need to work and we need dope to work. We just can't get corresponding days off to get clean together and one can't do it if the other isn't as well.
So there's my story. That's what's going on in my life right now that has led me to seek advice here on blue light. Now I must do a wash of my dope cap since I did my only morning shot too early today and go to work and pray that he buys more tonight so I can go to work tomorrow.
