cassandra7946
Greenlighter
I have Major Depression. I've also been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder. A specialist in refractory depression also told me that I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've had depression my whole life---I can remember 10 years old as the earliest age that symptoms began to surface.
I've gone through 4 major depressive episodes during my teens and twenties. I never sought professional help and I've never been on medications of any kind.
I have also never tried illegal drugs (until now; see below).
I am currently experiencing my 5th major depressive episode. It is by far the worst episode and is different than the previous ones. The reason for this is that it is accompanied by the loss of a romantic relationship. The onset of it was in March 2015.
During the onset and early on, I recognized the difference and sought help. I can't get out of this one", is the way I explain it. I had been abusing alcohol to self medicate for about a year and a half prior to this. I decided to stop using alcohol and try anti-depressants and anxiety medication.
I stopped drinking alcohol in June 2015.
I was prescribed over a course of 6 months, Neurontin, Klonopin, Xanax, Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Adderall and Seroquel and Trazadone.
The anti-depressants were completely ineffective. The benzos effected me but negatively and caused major memory loss and blackouts. They also did not alleviate my depression. The Adderall had no effect. The Seroquel just made me tired. Same with Trazadone.
During this extreme low this summer, I tried illegal drugs to help my mood, since the RXs were not helping me. I was desperate! I tried marijuana (minor effect) and cocaine (absolutely no effect/reaction). I was disappointed.
I tried to commit suicide. I "fell" into a level 5 rapid, while white water rafting. Regardless, I was rescued, but after that incident, I fell into a debilitating depression--meaning, I couldn't physically get out of bed, didn't work, eat or sleep for 4 days.
That is when I tried OxyContin. It alleviated my suicidal thoughts and lifted my mood (I'd say from a 1 to a 6/ out of 10). I did not get "high".
Then, I tried heroin (I snorted it). I did not get high and felt no effect. The OxyContin was more effective at alleviating depressive symptoms than heroin.
I didn't want to continue taking opiates off the street so I drove to to another state to get Ketamine infusions. I depleted my savings for this. I had two injections. To the surprise of the doctor, the ketamine did not have any effect on me.
To my surprise, he prescribed me buprenorphine. It is the most effective medication I have taken. When I take it, I'm able to function. However, I have to take 8mg to 16mg to feel the antidepressant effects. I should not have a tolerance like that.
Whenever I have panic attacks (these can last several hours), the opioids do not help. The only reason I'm telling you this, is because I hit another low caused by more trauma and was desperate again.
I figured, if snorting several bags of heroin, doing 80mg of OxyContin and taking 8-16mg of buprenorphine doesn't make me high, injecting heroin will.
After experimenting with low doses, I finally found that it takes 3 or 4 bags to of IV to feel the antidepressant effects and I have been doing this for about two weeks now.
Whenever I do an opiate (a large dose even), I feel "normal". It takes depressive symptoms away, but my depression is still there. I wouldn't call the feeling "euphoric". It's very strange. However, they are the only drugs I can take to help me function normally while I battle this severe depression that has taken over my life.
The specialist I went to see that prescribed me buprenorphine told me that my brain doesn't produce dopamine and endorphins at a normal level. He said this is one of the causes of refractory depression, because traditional meds target serotonin.
I posted a shortened story on another thread and a user named "Speed King" is skeptical of my story, so I elaborated more for this introduction.
The reason I came to these forums is because I know there are people like me with refractory depression and who are suicidal. If everything has failed you,opiates will WORK!
I'm sure people will attack me with their holier than thou attitude, but try living with major depression for over 8 months. It sucks bad.
I'd rather get physically dependent on opiates than mutilate my arm with razor blades or commit suicide. I need to be here for my family.
I look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts. And please don't judge. That is one thing that this episode in my life has taught me about drug addicts. Don't judge people, because you don't know WHY they're using.
I've had depression my whole life---I can remember 10 years old as the earliest age that symptoms began to surface.
I've gone through 4 major depressive episodes during my teens and twenties. I never sought professional help and I've never been on medications of any kind.
I have also never tried illegal drugs (until now; see below).
I am currently experiencing my 5th major depressive episode. It is by far the worst episode and is different than the previous ones. The reason for this is that it is accompanied by the loss of a romantic relationship. The onset of it was in March 2015.
During the onset and early on, I recognized the difference and sought help. I can't get out of this one", is the way I explain it. I had been abusing alcohol to self medicate for about a year and a half prior to this. I decided to stop using alcohol and try anti-depressants and anxiety medication.
I stopped drinking alcohol in June 2015.
I was prescribed over a course of 6 months, Neurontin, Klonopin, Xanax, Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Adderall and Seroquel and Trazadone.
The anti-depressants were completely ineffective. The benzos effected me but negatively and caused major memory loss and blackouts. They also did not alleviate my depression. The Adderall had no effect. The Seroquel just made me tired. Same with Trazadone.
During this extreme low this summer, I tried illegal drugs to help my mood, since the RXs were not helping me. I was desperate! I tried marijuana (minor effect) and cocaine (absolutely no effect/reaction). I was disappointed.
I tried to commit suicide. I "fell" into a level 5 rapid, while white water rafting. Regardless, I was rescued, but after that incident, I fell into a debilitating depression--meaning, I couldn't physically get out of bed, didn't work, eat or sleep for 4 days.
That is when I tried OxyContin. It alleviated my suicidal thoughts and lifted my mood (I'd say from a 1 to a 6/ out of 10). I did not get "high".
Then, I tried heroin (I snorted it). I did not get high and felt no effect. The OxyContin was more effective at alleviating depressive symptoms than heroin.
I didn't want to continue taking opiates off the street so I drove to to another state to get Ketamine infusions. I depleted my savings for this. I had two injections. To the surprise of the doctor, the ketamine did not have any effect on me.
To my surprise, he prescribed me buprenorphine. It is the most effective medication I have taken. When I take it, I'm able to function. However, I have to take 8mg to 16mg to feel the antidepressant effects. I should not have a tolerance like that.
Whenever I have panic attacks (these can last several hours), the opioids do not help. The only reason I'm telling you this, is because I hit another low caused by more trauma and was desperate again.
I figured, if snorting several bags of heroin, doing 80mg of OxyContin and taking 8-16mg of buprenorphine doesn't make me high, injecting heroin will.
After experimenting with low doses, I finally found that it takes 3 or 4 bags to of IV to feel the antidepressant effects and I have been doing this for about two weeks now.
Whenever I do an opiate (a large dose even), I feel "normal". It takes depressive symptoms away, but my depression is still there. I wouldn't call the feeling "euphoric". It's very strange. However, they are the only drugs I can take to help me function normally while I battle this severe depression that has taken over my life.
The specialist I went to see that prescribed me buprenorphine told me that my brain doesn't produce dopamine and endorphins at a normal level. He said this is one of the causes of refractory depression, because traditional meds target serotonin.
I posted a shortened story on another thread and a user named "Speed King" is skeptical of my story, so I elaborated more for this introduction.
The reason I came to these forums is because I know there are people like me with refractory depression and who are suicidal. If everything has failed you,opiates will WORK!
I'm sure people will attack me with their holier than thou attitude, but try living with major depression for over 8 months. It sucks bad.
I'd rather get physically dependent on opiates than mutilate my arm with razor blades or commit suicide. I need to be here for my family.
I look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts. And please don't judge. That is one thing that this episode in my life has taught me about drug addicts. Don't judge people, because you don't know WHY they're using.
. Maybe check out the recobery forums especially Mental Health. 