a little progress emotionally today with all this crap
thank you..actually a weird thing happened today....my 21 year old son called from college and talked to
my husband about wanting to get some basic lab work done asap because he is feeling "off". He says he
is severely anxious, dizzy,etc. So my hubby takes him to an internist friend of his today for a check-up. This doctor confided in my
husband that my son told him that he has been smoking pot every day for the last 6 years and that he was scared that he was in withdrawal because he had cut down substantially recently. My son allowed the doctor to share this with us because the kid thought he was truly sick. I heard this and knew my husband would blow a gasket. But, surprisingly, to me anyway, he said he told my son that
he probably has some anxiety issues and the pot obviously helped him feel calmer. He also told him that he may tend towards a little anxiety...much like your mom (me). He also said, son, it doesn't
make you a bad person..you obviously gravitate toward that for a reason. He also told him that we will love him no matter what mistakes that he has and will continue to make..And then of course he went into "doctor mode" regarding treatment and therapy if needed...But I have been a secret addict for so long
with so much guilt, shame and embarrassment about this issue that I never thought he would understand. I truly didn't.
So, anyway, my husband was telling me this and today of course I am feeling and looking like shit...second day off of several years of opiate abuse- hidden from him. I said that I could certainly relate because I have some issues
of my own right now. He knows I am a little on the unconventional side and he knows I like a vicodin now and then...he just does not know the extent of my use. Anyway, I did sugarcoat the situation saying that I have been taking a little more recreationally than I would like and that I have made a decision to stop. I said I have been clean for a month (lie). Actually, reading my first post I think I really was too embarrassed to say the real number of 10mg hydros I've been on. He said maybe thats why you don't feel very well..he said even a few narcotics every once in a while for an extended period can have some w/d effect. I'm like, "really!", "gosh I've taken no more than a few a week!", "weird!!!" LIE.
Anyway, I went on too long but my point is that even though I didn't tell the whole truth..I still feel somewhat better..at least emotionally about all the guilt I have been having over this. Also, I just started on
this forum last night so I threw in some things that I learned from you guys- things that I think I am starting to accept and believe. I said that I didn't think that this makes me a bad person and I'm not embarrassed...which felt soo good to say. He said, "I completely agree." I really wanted his love and understanding throughout all of this and maybe I shortchanged him..and myself. So all in all, A good development,
I think. Now....what to do about my son....
Also, I did get some benzos today and also the immodium. I am not a benzo person so I don't think I would ever get addicted to these....too sedating and I don't like that. But I only have a few and I think they are helping...at least maybe I'll get much needed sleep tonight hopefully cuz all the hydros kept me pretty sleep deprived...which is another thing I hate.