Are you having a breakdown negro? It happens to the best of us, but I dont understand what you are saying either. Are you detoxing or trying to or just real fuckered up?
I am detoxing, i want to get off but my baseline is unfortunately more of a manic ADHD state than anything (someone noticed but i will not go to an inpatient facility unless i cant work out my benzo taper or start introducing new chemicals into my system. When i posted in this thread i have not been loaded, it was before i took diazepam which i take at night when i carpet bomb myself with those 10mg tabs (i was using the "pure" powder before, possibly nor-diazepam). But i switched myself to 10mg diazepam pills for easier detoxing. I take a heavy dose of methadone in the morning, and i do check my BP and respirations (not to the point hypochondria)......
That strange stuff that i have posted in this thread, which as i re-read it, it is QUITE off the walls. But before i messed with drugs, in high school (not even weed!), i had bad ADHD, anger, so my baseline is NOT normal.
According to my doctors and my medical opinion, no i am not manic-depressive/bi-polar whatever you want to call it. However, after quiting high dose IV smack on the 18th of this last december, i had a MAJOR but short psychotic episode on the 25th of december (again please no associations), one that no n,n-DMT/DOM or even datura poisoning experience could rival. This has never happened to be before, and i finally DID realize it was a LACK of drug hallucinations. It lasted 2 hours of trainspotting like hallucinations, then like a shut-off valve, stopped, after which i DID think i had some sort of psychotic break/nervous breakdown etc. I started writing hundreds upon hundreds of pages of a sober accidental "stream of consciousness" book, if you can call it that. It is suprisingly coherent.
Now, i am not psychotic, i can only truthfully say that ive been psychotic for only 2 hours when sober, but i was kicking IV tar cold turkey. Such reactions are not uncommon. But, today after reading some of the shit i wrote earlier, in this apparent feverish frenzy (and longer than my normal posts), i am definately manic and STILL tweaking on sobriety from this cathartic heroin kick, but ive never been diagnosed with a pyschiatric disorder other than ADHD.
I do not hear voices (i have on hallucinogens, which is not uncommon), i have not reacted in a way particularly dangerous to myself and others, i do not see things that are not there (once on n,n-DMT, and on severe case with 2-ct-4, when i took it in a particularly depressed state to begin with. I am probably the polar opposite of paranoid. Ive never even fathomed that people were stealing my thoughts, nor experienced any delusions of grandeur (aside from mild egotistical adolescent bullshit mainly when i was younger).
Junk, like burroughs said, IS a way of life, not a kick. I found this out first hand. But junk definately kicked me. Though i dream less and less, almost exponentially about the massive poppy fields and all of those drug dreams, I feel like i dont crave it unless i get upset. It was definately self medication, and the worst part about it, heroin WORKED. I appeared normal, my ADHD went away, and i even stopped having migranes.
There are many things i am not sure about now. Can i ever use junk again? Is there such thing as chipping? For my brain in particular, my non-drug using baseline was abnormal (oxymoron?) behavior seemed to be less of "adhd" and its resulting fallout but due to a serious lacking of endogenous endorphins, or perhaps i was just a pussy that couldnt deal with the heat........
My brain is like a SUPER ripe tomato, you pluck it CAREFULLY from the vine (i suppose a grape might be a better metaphor), and it is good, or it falls to the ground and rots. I do not believe that either has occured, yet.....
But since i am detoxing, the heroin was ALL alone, cold turkey (i was already addicted to benzos so they couldnt help me at that stage). It has been over 2 months now no IV junk. But, i am evidently at pivotal stage....
Time does heal wounds, and no, i will probably not revert back to "mean negrogesic reckless IV heroin skaghead", but i already see myself turning back into the ADHD kid i was......
I appreciate your guys help and concern significantly, and i am looking for veterans (with compassion, but the rules ARE there) as i have now repeated for at least the third time. In any regard, no worries, feel free to PM me with personal matters, i am in a position to help with your needs (sans beligerance)....
I'd like to speak more with you blah, i know youve turned down my offers before, most of us are busy people (if your ACTIVELY online 24 hours a days there MIGHT be something wrong with that situation unless it is your livelyhood)......
Speak freely friends, glasnost (you know, aside from straight out breaking forum rules, particular the buying and selling of drugs). IP bans are gone, but people like blahblahblah have been CLAWsed (formally warned) over 10 times (our unspoken rule is over 3 should get a ban), but he is a model and active contributer to this forum, and site. I would love your help, but if you cant, you cant. Technically im losing money right now by posting with mania instead of "working". Money is paper right?
perhaps you meant, "OD will not get any worse"? ;D
