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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Need some advice

Life can only get worse for me. No friends. No family. No home. No job. No money.

What can I do?

That was a rhetorical question - I know full well what I can do to solve everything. It just takes more courage than I had imagined. But I'm ready for it.

I feel as though I am living in some kind of prison. I have tried everything to escape, but I can't. That leaves two choices for me; endure this awful existence until I die naturally, or do myself in and prevent myself from being forced to experience years, or decades of suffering.

Living your life as some kind of sociopath or pariah, as perceived by others, is just so upsetting, demoralising and stressful, and I just want it to be over with. I'm never going to be rich. I'm never going to look like Brad Pitt. And I have destroyed my career through being so mentally upset and anxious that I made some very bad decisions.

Everything I touch turns to shit. Like a reverse Midas-touch. And no, this is not a fleeting period of depression, this is me analysing decades of a shit life.

I'd rather just turn the lights off right now.

If I do survive the next few years, then what have I got to look forward to? Living under a bridge with my entire worldly possessions in a stolen supermarket trolley? Going through the bins at McDonalds to find a few uneaten fries? No thank you very much [-snip-]. I've got a first class postgraduate degree from one of the world's best universities, I tried my best, but it has just panned out to be a load of garbage. For me this life has been nothing other than torture. The quicker someone turns off the lights, the quicker I can get to sleep forever.
 
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From what you mention here, it sounds like your alcohol habit is far more destructive and inhibiting than having autism is.

You say you lost your job because of your drinking problem, not because of your condition. The fact that you were capable of getting a higher caliber job and hold it for a number of years shows you are capable. I'm not sure why you believe your destined to a life of homelessness- well I guess I am, but I don't think it's true. You say that alcohol is the only way of dealing with problems related to having autism, and that you've tried or considered everything else, that others would be wasting their time making suggestions... Well, clearly your way isn't working very well if it's led you here. Maybe in your over abundance of intelligence you overlooked some simple possibilities, like alcohol is only compounding your problems despite offering temporary relief to the symptoms. Or that alcohol is preventing you from truly developing and learning, and that it keeps you going in the same path making the same mistakes over and over again, forever dealing with the same set of problems.

Maybe I'm completely wrong though. I don't know how severe your autism is, but I do know you aren't the only one with it, and that you'd be wrong to say that everyone with the same disorder is destined to a life of homelessness and alcoholism. I'm not trying to down play your struggle but I don't think things are as hopeless as you paint them.

Happiness isn't something that comes accidentally for most, if any at all. Finding meaning and purpose is something we all struggle with. It'd be silly to be walking around all the time expecting to see rainbows, but if you never look up from the ground you'll never see them.

I can promise you that life won't get much better, if any at all, so long as you keep drinking like you are. Each day you'll find yourself with more pain you need to kill, and each bottle kills a little less pain. Some day you'll get your wish, but you'll get it either way. Why not enjoy the sunsets while you are around to enjoy them, life is short enough already.
 
Brilliant post Mafioso.....

AG- wanted to check in to see how you are feeling today?
 
Woo hoo! That is so awesome AG! I am sure it has not been an easy morning. I am really happy that you have not!
 
I watched a few movies, played some computer games, really relaxing day, so so hard to avoid alcohol, I live a 3 minute walk from a local shop stocked with all kinds of strong beers, ciders andwine. The craving is overpowering, combined with headaches and a painful stomach, I know it will get better over the next few days, I am quite a compulsive person and know that I will persuade myself to buy some beer or wine at some point. I know that some decent exercise will help me to recover, but just can't face it right now.

I know for certain that alcohol has a massive negative effect of my state of mind, alcohol was always my go-to crutch which I relied upon, not having that just seems so terrifying. I have been an everyday drinker for almost my entire adult life, only in the last 4-5 years was I drinking immediately after waking up. I need to make some proper plans for my future or I will just fester and get worse and worse. There is a possibility that I might get some money in the next few months, I'm trying to plan getting away and trying a fresh start, as long as I can keep off alcohol then I'm sure I could do something, there's nothing for me where I am now anyway.

If I go back to alcohol, I think I would be dead in less than 2 years.
 
See, you got this! I guarantee when you break out of the dark cloud that alcoholism has over you you'll gain a lot better perspective on things.
 
Life can always get better. You might not think it can, and but some times it just takes a while (TRUST ME). I was depressed for several years, and I thought about ending my life as well. But I moved, started a new job and met new people. I tried a drug called Ketamine. My depression was literally cured in 5 weeks. Regular medicine, therapy, etc. didn't work at all. Just after the first time I took it, I started feeling AMAZING (I'm not talking about getting "high"). My outlook on life and things in general, didn't look so bad. I was thinking "happy thoughts" for the first time in years. That drug literally saved my life. I took it for 5 weeks at 25mg (twice a week) and I was a completely different person. My parents didnt even recognize me (personality wise).

(The good thing about ketamine is, that you will notice the effects EXTREMELY FAST, unlike regular "depression" medicine...that takes weeks to months to actually work.)

This is just an idea if you want to try it. Like I said, this medicine is life changing... Some people dont know that Ketamine can help with things like this.

Wish you the best of luck,

Chris
 
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Amaze balls! You certainly have will power. That is awesome and I am really proud of you (for what it?s worth). Make sure you drink lots of water. Making plans does help create a focus and change your mindset. Short term and long term. You got today under your belt. You can do this!!!!

One more thing- please be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot it seems and self kindness is one of the most understated yet important steps in recovery.
 
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AutisticGraham said:
I watched a few movies, played some computer games, really relaxing day, so so hard to avoid alcohol, I live a 3 minute walk from a local shop stocked with all kinds of strong beers, ciders andwine. The craving is overpowering, combined with headaches and a painful stomach, I know it will get better over the next few days, I am quite a compulsive person and know that I will persuade myself to buy some beer or wine at some point. I know that some decent exercise will help me to recover, but just can't face it right now.

I know for certain that alcohol has a massive negative effect of my state of mind, alcohol was always my go-to crutch which I relied upon, not having that just seems so terrifying. I have been an everyday drinker for almost my entire adult life, only in the last 4-5 years was I drinking immediately after waking up. I need to make some proper plans for my future or I will just fester and get worse and worse. There is a possibility that I might get some money in the next few months, I'm trying to plan getting away and trying a fresh start, as long as I can keep off alcohol then I'm sure I could do something, there's nothing for me where I am now anyway.

If I go back to alcohol, I think I would be dead in less than 2 years.
Click to expand...

It might be a good idea to allow yourself to take it as easy as need be fore the next few weeks. Overcoming addiction is not about having unimaginably strong will power. It's about turning destructive habits into healthy ones, and that can take a lot of time. By always drinking/using whenever you experience a negative emotion, you have classically trained yourself to crave for the drug every time you have a negative emotion. In the same way that you didn't build this habit overnight, you won't tear it down and build healthy ones in its place overnight either.

One of the hardest part of recovery is sticking to a goal you feel uncompelled to do, and at times, compelled to do the complete opposite of your goal. The vast majority of people must face multiple relapses, and in the discouragement that comes with a relapse, it is easy to fall under the impression that all is lost and that you were just being a hopeful fool. The disease of addiction will try to convince you that the two of you were made for each other, that you'll never do better, and that you are nothing without.

It'll be your job to convince yourself otherwise, and when you can't do that, to find people who can.


On a very serious note, alcohol withdrawal is not something to be taken lightly. If you aren't familiar with typical withdrawal symptoms, it might be smart to take a brief look into a google search. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it, but it's good to be aware as confusion can catch you off guard. Depending on how much you were drinking daily, it might be best to consider a taper. Cold turkey off alcohol can lead to seizure, psychosis, coma, and death.

I just came across a reddit story about someone who bit their tounge off after a seizure from going cold turkey,
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/b5zkli/tifu_by_detoxing_myself_and_it_nearly_cost_me_my/

Please don't be afraid to ask if you have any questions. We are here for your support, no matter how silly or benign it might seem.
 
Unfortunately, I have tried to get sober dozens of times in the past, some times only managed a couple of days. I think my longest sober period in the last 20 years is one month. I built up to a ridiculous amount of alcohol daily. But I never really bothered with spirits. I stopped eating for a while because if i only had enough money for alcohol or food, I would always buy the alcohol.

So I'm not holding my breath, but at least posting on here might give me a little more motivation. Right now I'm feeling crappy. Going fully tee-total is not a realistic target for me, if I can stay sober for a few weeks and then restrict my alcohol intake to a fraction of what it was before, then I am more likely to hit my target and less likely to beat myself up when I fail again. However, in the back of my mind I know that I don't have the will power to do this, and once I start drinking again I will quickly ramp it up and end up back at square one.

I have experienced some quite nasty withdrawals in the past, but fortunately never suffered a seizure.
 
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It's not a matter of willpower. The truth is that no one is stronger than addiction. Given the right circumstances and the right(or wrong) levels of substances, and anyone will succumb.

Learning how to cope without a drug is like learning how to write with your other hand. You'll want to just keep giving up, and switch back to what you know and are comfortable with. You'll feel uncoordinated and slow, and probably be frustrated you can't write at the same speed. In time though, you can learn and adapt if you persevere past the initial and ongoing struggle.

It isn't easy, but in my experience it has been easier than living with the chaos of active addiction. You can't escape the struggle, just choose which direction you want to struggle towards.
 
What kind of move are you planning? I?m from an area that has cold miserable winters, so I am always jealous of those that move or live in warm places. It is always exciting to start fresh. Keep my fingers crossed you have some money coming in soon.
 
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Getting out of bed and walking to the shop to buy alcohol, then coming home and getting drunk was my daily routine. It was the only thing that I enjoyed doing. I'm trying to stop myself from enjoying the only pleasure in my life, my whole body is in pain now. I'm doing the same thing that I have tried many many times before, and for some reason am expecting a different result. Well, I'm not really, I know I will succumb, it's just a matter of when.

I appreciate people trying to help me by advising me to stop drinking, but when alcohol is the last thing that I have left in my life, I'm not sure that that is such good advice.
 
It is so tough to break routine. Easy for people to say fill your days to take your mind off it. It?s really tough to actually do it when you are physically hurting. I?m not telling you to quit drinking but I think it?s pretty cool that you are already into day 2. Taking it easy and letting your body rest will help. Movies and such.
You mentioned you had a great career, and are exceptionally bright. Can I ask what field you were in and possible hoping to get back to?


You know the saying. Can?t do the same thing over and over, and expect a different outcome. Hence why it?s awesome you are altering your routine.
Pretty freakin awesome.
 
I used to have a well-paid job. But it was very high-pressure and extremely stressful, I won't be going back to it, looking for something more relaxed. I can speak a few languages so might try going abroad to stimulate myself a bit more, and help me to get away from my toxic thought patterns. I'm sure my drinking was borne out of extreme boredom, I seem to get bored very quickly.
 
You would need something that continues to challenge you to avoid boredom. Guess that?s a sign of high IQ, bored once you have mastered something. Being multilingual must open a lot of doors for something exciting!
 
Possibly, but I lived abroad once before, in a country where alcohol was very cheap, and I descended into a very self-destructive routine of non-stop drunkenness. Anything I plan can go wrong if I let my drinking control me. I can see things fall apart when I drink heavily, but just don't care, I enjoy drinking too much. That's why I feel that there is nothing in my future except illness and death.
 
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