Well that's the thing, I have this problem where I can't let myself get to a better place. I am making many positive changes in my life, but that only warrants a faster paced, harder form of self destruction. Idk why man, my brain just stops me from doing good ever. It's my mental dilema, I want to do better I just can't ever make it happen. All the changes and hard work should be rewarding, but for me they're very stressful and with that added stress comes extra crazyness. I destroy my future at any chanvce I get and I don't know why, I've always been this way. Like my brain is lashing back or something. As a kid it was just being a rebel, as an adult it really is some form of disorder I suppose lol.
But yes, I am being fully conscious of the situation. I do believe I know what I'm doing and I won't let myself get too deep just out of basic survival instincts alone. I know how miserable life can get as it is, I can't possibly allow myself to make my life any worse than it already is. I just have to maintain this ongoing never ending balance of misery and obstacles in my path for some reason unbeknownst to me. Can't be too good and can't be too bad. I do plan to stop though, I'm not really enjoying myself as I'd like to think. I mean sure, getting high is great, but it's not so fun with that constant fear of fucking myself over hanging above my head. I'm really stubborn and although I'm a dumbass I'm actually a reasonably smart guy I guess, I will find a way to make it work, believe me. I'll come out ahead somehow.
And thanks for wishing me luck man, good to know someone out there has faith in me even if I doubt myself at times
