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N&SADD Social V1 - One step forwards, 2 steps back

Ad it's the first time I've had the opportunity since getting the third film on 3DBD at Christmas, I managed to complete a 'Re - booted, "Planet Of The Apes"' trilogy (Rise/Dawn/War) marathon by 13.20 GMT. That's how exciting things are.

I've had 4mg of clonazepam and 2mg alprazolam to try and zone out to listen to the director commentaries on the discs and that but I still cannot fully relax, so it looks like another pointless mission to get some heroin (my man is usually of a standard but it has been pretty unspectacular this last week or so). Hopefully it may be woeful enough to put me off going out for the foreseeable future but I'm locked in that mode now here I am going to have to once again play out my destructive, repetitive behaviour.

I have a fair amount of methadone for the w/e but I usually find extra doses a waste - to cop a decent twist from it I find I have to take multiple times my daily prescription.
 
My part of Michigan is getting a sudden blast of snow today and it's caked up the satellite dish.

My dad's recruited me to make chili and I just can't get moving yet. It's going to be a lazy day!
 
Hopefully you'll just get rain. Accu-weather forecasting is not too accurate lately though.
 
Its raining in central IN but i saw a bunch of plow trucks out earlier so they must be expecting a couple inches.

Ugh, i made so much effort to get off bupe but now i hafta take it again for a while. Guess I'll try a proper slow taper next time, like i did with kpin, instead of trying to transition to other stuff and ct from there.
 
We're neighbors tath, it's snowing here by st louis, so you're probably gonna get it too.

At least it's a step towards sobriety man, gotta look at the positives.
 
Yeah i can't do h for a while now but i wanna get off bupe too. I think its the reason i have no motivation for anything. Good for staying out of wds but long term its better to be off everything.
 
I'm struggling. Badly. With many many things I suppose but the root of it all is such Sadness.
This is a seasonal thing and a justified thing; I have proper reasons for the despairing. I'm just not sure how to work through it.

I REALLY don't wanna get on medication for the depression. It took me two years to wean myself off Effexor and it was Hell at times. I'm able to live without such meds--- at times it feels like it ain't much of a life, though.

I haven't written anything (literature, poetry or even journaling) for months. That's always a huge marker for How Sad I Am : whether or not I'm able to create. And Lordy I'm NOT.

I have a project I sort of earmarked the month of March, to begin. And it's already creeping me out. I think of even looking over the materials and I freeze up: I do the "scared rabbit " thing. I sit and stare and am unable to make a move towards the material, or towards anything else.

I really hate THIS, whatever you call it. I generally refer to it as The Darkness and I encourage others to fight it tooth and nail; to realize feelings are just feelings and that circumstances will change. How come it to be that i am unable to take or to Believe my own advice?

I suppose its because it hurts so much, when you're the one under it. The Darkness has been chasing me for 18 years (*since my.mom died very suddenly n very violently )...... sometimes I will remember back to those weeks i spent in -patient after my nervous breakdown all those years ago, and I MISS THAT: I kinda sit here Longing for a place so safe and where nothing bad can happen and the people do nothing but Care.

I know I'm not sick enough to warrant spending time in a olave like that now, and taking up a bed someone who truly needs might go without. And I've had a look over what's available for "mental health" around here and it's less than useless.

Ugh it's just emotional pain.
Unresolved losses.
alot of circumstances I cannot affect nor control -- when I try to it only seems to cause more damage--- . It's akin to having a broken leg and instead of staying still to allow its healing, trying to affect these circumstances is as if I'm jumping and running around on the broken leg.

I know alllllll this stuff about coping. And here I sit in Devastating emotional pain.
Ironic.
And I feel utterly and completely LOST.
 
^ I'm sorry that you're having a hard time RF. I wish that I could give you some useful advice but sadly I struggle with many of the same issues (issues with loss, existence etc). Life is really hard IMO, regardless of who you are.

One thing I would advocate very much would be to have people in your life who could lend you a compassionate ear, someone to share your thoughts/feelings with. At least one person like that is extremely important, IME at least
 
Runningfox said:
I'm struggling. Badly. With many many things I suppose but the root of it all is such Sadness.
This is a seasonal thing and a justified thing; I have proper reasons for the despairing. I'm just not sure how to work through it.

I REALLY don't wanna get on medication for the depression. It took me two years to wean myself off Effexor and it was Hell at times. I'm able to live without such meds--- at times it feels like it ain't much of a life, though.

I haven't written anything (literature, poetry or even journaling) for months. That's always a huge marker for How Sad I Am : whether or not I'm able to create. And Lordy I'm NOT.

I have a project I sort of earmarked the month of March, to begin. And it's already creeping me out. I think of even looking over the materials and I freeze up: I do the "scared rabbit " thing. I sit and stare and am unable to make a move towards the material, or towards anything else.

I really hate THIS, whatever you call it. I generally refer to it as The Darkness and I encourage others to fight it tooth and nail; to realize feelings are just feelings and that circumstances will change. How come it to be that i am unable to take or to Believe my own advice?

I suppose its because it hurts so much, when you're the one under it. The Darkness has been chasing me for 18 years (*since my.mom died very suddenly n very violently )...... sometimes I will remember back to those weeks i spent in -patient after my nervous breakdown all those years ago, and I MISS THAT: I kinda sit here Longing for a place so safe and where nothing bad can happen and the people do nothing but Care.

I know I'm not sick enough to warrant spending time in a olave like that now, and taking up a bed someone who truly needs might go without. And I've had a look over what's available for "mental health" around here and it's less than useless.

Ugh it's just emotional pain.
Unresolved losses.
alot of circumstances I cannot affect nor control -- when I try to it only seems to cause more damage--- . It's akin to having a broken leg and instead of staying still to allow its healing, trying to affect these circumstances is as if I'm jumping and running around on the broken leg.

I know alllllll this stuff about coping. And here I sit in Devastating emotional pain.
Ironic.
And I feel utterly and completely LOST.
Click to expand...

Again, as with Burnt Offerings post, there is little, in fact, nothing that I can say that would be of any help aside from offering genuine empathy. I am so depressed and unmotivated and just cannot get the ball rolling to save my own life. Regular EADD posters are sick of hearing how shit I am at everything that I make a point of trying not to use Bluelight to vent my pathetic neurotic junky problems and I will do my level best not to carry it over to here. But I have been looking at your post for a day or so now RunningFox, as it obviously demands (if we are that good a community) whatever emotional encouragement could be put into words. I'm so low I just do not have the energy to express myself - I've just about managed to get my groove on here thanks to a shot of dope and a fistfull of lorazepam.

If your up to it just keep posting, we are all reading x
 
Looks like I'm prolly heading up to chitown this weekend. I miss the days of proper bl meetups tho.

Hang in there rf, I'm just a message away if you need somebody to talk to <3
 
What's the story morning glory. Just had a really nice dig so I am feeling surprisingly sociable for a Monday morning, so I am taking advantage of my shallow personality and artificial mood elevation in order to say hi-de-hi, hows life and to check if anyone is actually still reading.
 
Still mulling around here.

I'm starring down the barrel of an especially long and difficult work week. Ugh, fuck you Monday morning.
 
Color me green. My Friday night won't happen until Saturday night for me, I've got to work everyday this week including Saturday. Wouldn't be so bad except most days this week will be 12-13hrs each, 20-30% of which will be spent fighting traffic.
 
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