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My wife apologizes too much

H

HCandKROD

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 3, 2009
Messages
552
Location
Ft. Lauderdale
My wife and I have been married since 2007. It's my 3rd marriage and her 1st. I'm 48 y/o and she is 32. Our marriage is really great, we have never fought in the 7 years we have known each other. Yeah, we have been irritated with each other from time to time but no loud arguments or cursing at each other. She is a professional with a Masters in advertising and BA in art and has been with the same advertising agency for 10 years.
My complaint is she apologizes for everything!! I have explained to her not everything is her fault and to try to keep her apologies to a minimum. She apologizes for apologizing 8o. Whenever we have sex if I say "move to the right" or "a little harder" she says "I'm sorry". It spills over to her work also.She is so timid she lets people at work run all over her and she was the 1st person at the agency 10 years ago. Her boss (owner of the agency) wants her to step up and tell these other people what to do but she doesn't.
My wife is the sweetest person you ever want to meet and would do anything for me and friends. I'm just worried that all the apologizing is going to make her feel like a victim one day or bring about a lot of resentment. Does anyone have this problem or have any suggestions about how I can help her be more self confident? Thanks
 
Well, I think you have it better than a lot of people. ;) Seeing as she's in her early 30's, I think she might get past that? She's in advertising and she's timid? What does she do? I would think advertising would be more of a field where she really has to be sure of herself.
 
Lysis said:
Well, I think you have it better than a lot of people. ;) Seeing as she's in her early 30's, I think she might get past that? She's in advertising and she's timid? What does she do? I would think advertising would be more of a field where she really has to be sure of herself.
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She does graphic design and development work and in that respect she is very sure of herself. She does fine with clients it's mostly people who are close to her. I dunno I've talked to her about it on numerous occasions and she tries but then apologizes when she starts apologizing again. It's a small problem and you are correct we have a great relationship but I just wanna help her with her self esteem more.
 
ahh yeah, I can be night and day from work to personal life. So much easier when you kick ass at your job and know it. :)

Maybe try to change the way you approach the criticism? People can be a little less timid if the criticism is approached in a positive way. I dunno...you know your wife the best, so I can only speak from working with people who generally feel stupid about IT. If you approach them in a way that says "Hey, I made that mistake too one time and I'm just letting you know it's x instead of y," then you tend to get a warmer reception. You know her, so maybe if you approach her in a different way, maybe she won't apologize.
 
It sounds like she may have a lot of problems when it comes to self-confidence. I agree with Lysis in that the way criticism (even if you don't necessarily intend it that way) is formulated can make a very big difference. Maybe also try to compliment her more/ point out more of her qualities, that sort of thing? (not that I'm saying you don't do that)
 
As long as its like you said and doesnt turn into resentment and passive aggressive behavior. I know people that are geared like that and its really weird. Like people who don't really have it in them to get pissed or whatever.

Meh, id suggest racquetball or something. Work out together or something. There's not much to do with these people. They'll either live to be a 110 years or old or die of a broken heart.
 
That's the funny part. With me or friends she is meek but with strangers it's another story. Example, we were coming back from Bermuda last week and a TSA agent said something smart ass to us I really didn't hear it. My wife turns around and cursed him out!! calling him a Barney Fife motherfucker and on n on. I had to stop her cause I didn't wanna go to jail in Bermuda. She can be assertive just not with me or co workers.
 
HCandKROD said:
That's the funny part. With me or friends she is meek but with strangers it's another story. Example, we were coming back from Bermuda last week and a TSA agent said something smart ass to us I really didn't hear it. My wife turns around and cursed him out!! calling him a Barney Fife motherfucker and on n on. I had to stop her cause I didn't wanna go to jail in Bermuda. She can be assertive just not with me or co workers.
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That's kind of how I am (although not that aggressive, haha). It really sounds like she has trouble being confident around the people she cares about and is worried that she might do something that'll make you care about her less.
 
i used to apologise too much when i was depressed...

my mum even says its one of the signs of internalised depression where you blame yourself for everything, as opposed to putting your negativity out onto other people in an angry antisocial way.
 
HCandKROD said:
My wife and I have been married since 2007. It's my 3rd marriage and her 1st. I'm 48 y/o and she is 32. Our marriage is really great, we have never fought in the 7 years we have known each other. Yeah, we have been irritated with each other from time to time but no loud arguments or cursing at each other. She is a professional with a Masters in advertising and BA in art and has been with the same advertising agency for 10 years.
My complaint is she apologizes for everything!! I have explained to her not everything is her fault and to try to keep her apologies to a minimum. She apologizes for apologizing 8o. Whenever we have sex if I say "move to the right" or "a little harder" she says "I'm sorry". It spills over to her work also.She is so timid she lets people at work run all over her and she was the 1st person at the agency 10 years ago. Her boss (owner of the agency) wants her to step up and tell these other people what to do but she doesn't.
My wife is the sweetest person you ever want to meet and would do anything for me and friends. I'm just worried that all the apologizing is going to make her feel like a victim one day or bring about a lot of resentment. Does anyone have this problem or have any suggestions about how I can help her be more self confident? Thanks
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i personally dont think its self confidence your wife lacks; moreso that shes overly compassionate and aware of the emotions of those around her that she cares about and doesnt want to negatively effect them in any way, so is cautious in her actions and apologies.

id be moreso concerned if you claimed she was a cold hearted bitch who lacked humility and the ability to apologize/feel compassion for others; as opposed to the latter.

consider yourself lucky op, you got a good one.

...kytnism...:|
 
i dont think her personality is a problem but constant apologies can make the recipient feel uncomfortable like they're being harsh when in fact they are not.

i've done it myself in the past and its a sign of perceptual distortion.

also if you're at work that kind of attitude will get you used big time. the working world IS harsh and you have to have some sort of armour.

this woman sounds lovely but meekness is nice in degrees but you can be too meek for your own good.

when i used to apologise too much it was because i didn't feel i could justify myself. in this world you shouldn't be justifying yourself
 
pofacedhoe said:
i dont think her personality is a problem but constant apologies can make the recipient feel uncomfortable like they're being harsh when in fact they are not.
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Nailed it!! It might be selfish of me but sometimes I feel like an asshole when I know I'm not. I just think sometimes she might feel resentment towards me for always having (in her mind) to apologize to me.Anyone who knows me can tell you if I'm owed an apology you will know about it!! At the same time if I owe you restitution I will be the first to admit. I'm trying to teach her these principles.
 
thing is in the working world colleagues wont care if she makes them feel harsh. they will probably sense weakness and take the piss big time
 
every time she says sorry bend her over your knee and spank her? reinforce with a stern 'bad girl'.
 
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