My Wall Came Down Today

[Sara Tonin]

Today is the first day that I have cried in months.
I've come close several times, but I just haven't felt enough to make it happen until now. I've been numb for so long. I thought it was easier that way. I have been told, in the past, to stop being so sensitive. So I stopped.
This is not a natural state for me...the numbness, nor doing what I am told. I was bound to rebel at some point.

Oh and about being told...
I've been told some things by some different people lately,

I'm too much like some other girl he knows (a girl I have never met, a girl that doesn't seem to be thought of favorably, a girl that made his face contort into a scowl)
That's when the anger started to bubble up.

That I'm too intelligent (which, I'm told, tends to scare the boys off)
too deep (what's wrong with inspecting life? questioning existence?)
too complex (like a 5000 piece puzzle)
She said I'm too aloof (maybe I am?)
too not what he or she wants to invest in because of one thing or another.
Anger simmers now.

But today my anger turned to sadness,
because I'll admit that I do make it difficult.
Getting to know me is an experience.
The truth is that I want to let people in,
and I want so badly for someone to really
want to get to the core of me,
not just to generalize about what I might be.
Comparing me to a shadow of a person in the back of their mind.
I want someone to want to make the effort.
It's warm in my heart and I'm not as frigid as I come off.

I cried today because I felt exposed, and raw, with nothing
no one to lean on.
But, as I was crying, I was also smiling...
because I could feel deeply again
because it meant that I was one step closer to changing
and it meant that my wall came down.

 

[Squirt]

*hugs* miss you hun... keep your chin up.

and if you ever need someone to lean on, i'd be more than happy to accept the job.

 

[ice-9]

you don't need me to tell you, but i'll tell ya anyway.

i know how you feel. keep at it hun.

 

[Coreo*~]

I thought that was great, it reminded me of myself. Interesting.

It's been a while, I hope all is going well and getting better.

hugs,
Coreo

 

[day_for_night]

But today my anger turned to sadness,
because I'll admit that I do make it difficult.
Getting to know me is an experience.
The truth is that I want to let people in,
and I want so badly for someone to really
want to get to the core of me,
not just to generalize about what I might be.
Comparing me to a shadow of a person in the back of their mind.
I want someone to want to make the effort.
It's warm in my heart and I'm not as frigid as I come off.

shit, wow this describes my life so well right now. i have just had some personal heartache as well, and i cried today for the first time in a loooong time, and i mean i cried hard. i really want someone to care enough to truly know me, too. alas, it looks like i am going to be permanently at a table for 1

 

[Cosmic Mist]

Just letting go and showing yourself to someone is hard enough - it's harder still to met someone who will accept you for all your flaws and imperfections.
I understand how you feel - i have been told i am too pedantic, too intelligent, too sarcastic to every find someone for my own. Don't listen to them hon - there is someone out there for everyone, and the right person won't make you feel anything but perfect.

DOn't be ashamed of who you are - flaunt it! You may never have another chance to to.

 

[neverwas]

Just letting go and showing yourself to someone is hard enough - it's harder still to met someone who will accept you for all your flaws and imperfections.
I understand how you feel - i have been told i am too pedantic, too intelligent, too sarcastic to every find someone for my own. Don't listen to them hon - there is someone out there for everyone, and the right person won't make you feel anything but perfect.

DOn't be ashamed of who you are - flaunt it! You may never have another chance to to.

sara tonin: couldnt agree with you more its great just getting that lil feeling that you have made some form of progress.

nicely written hun and your writting improoves everytime you post.