Mental Health My social anxiety levels are off the charts

[Sublime947]

Hi, if someone can relate to me please help me out here. Please excuse me for my rambling.... I really do not know where to begin.

I am an 18 year old freshman college student who is suffering from really bad social anxiety.

My shyness and quietness has been a problem with me ever since I was a kid, and I am a pretty introverted person. But now, I have become even more introverted and have extremely more social anxiety due to drug use I'm guessing. I have used many drugs, mostly including marijuana (which has lost the magic now, not as fun as it used to be ever since I became a polydrug abuser and it skyrockets my anxiety at times), ecstasy, and many psychedelics and dissociatives.

This is mainly due to MDMA in my opinion. I have used ecstasy around once a month, since October 2011, sometimes breaking the rule. My first really bad case of anxiety was when I rolled twice in a row last summer, where I didn't feel like myself for around 3 months. It was awful, and I had the worst paranoia ever. I would be scared to even go do normal things outside my home, afraid of any social contact whatsoever. I noticed during this period that people looked at me strangely, and did subtle gestures that they felt uncomfortable around me. During this phase, I had a family vacation to attend along with my Aunt Uncle and Cousins. Even they seemed concerned and a little uncomfortable in front of me . I eventually got over this and healed, but then started using MDMA again, still once a month. It's sad, because I thought MDMA was extremely therapeutic and overwhelming for me when I first started, thought it would help me talk to girls because I've had that problem ever since middle school; I fell in love with EDM and the rave scene; I thought it was the perfect drug for me. After my first MDMA experience I couldn't wait to experience it again and I had visions of becoming a more social and likeable person. When I got accepted to my college of choice, was so excited I actually dropped 2 mints, rolled one of the hardest I did in my life, had these thoughts of me having an awesome time at college and getting girls and shit. Look at me now. Have done jack shit.

Fast forward to now, I currently am in another state of extreme anxiety. I have still not talked to a single girl here at my university, ZERO, and am still an awkward fuck. I have only made one other friend here at this school. My weekends consist of me smoking pot all day doing nothing social at all. I used to love weed, it was the first thing I tried which I was addicted to but was mentally fine with for 2 years before dropping E. Sitting in a class with a small amount of people is scary. I now have these random shakes and very weird movements, where I kind of jerk parts of my body. It's like I can't control it no matter how much I don't want to. I have also developed a slight muscle spasm twitch in my arm. Even if I don't need to talk to anyone, sitting next to someone or someone sitting in front of me facing me is enough to make me freak the fuck out.. It's sad. I even get these twitches and spasms sometimes in front of my best friend who is my roommate.

The only thing that makes me feel okay again is opiates like heroin (which i dabbled with for a short amount of time till I ran out) or benzos which I have to look for very hard, and I know that's a bad road to go down, and I had never even considered those before my anxiety was this bad. Now, I fiend these things, even though I don't have much access to them. Ecstasy, which was my main DOC I looked forward too every month, is less appealing now. Although, when I'm rolling, my social anxiety is gone. The last time I rolled was January 26th, next time I plan on rolling is in March, which will be my longest break since October. Im not saying MDMA is the only thing that triggered this horrible anxiety, it's probably other drugs too but I feel like it did the most damage. I have a friend who rolls a ton, and doesn't get anxiety and seems to handle it better than me.

I tried 5-HTP, and it does help very mildly, but then afterwards I feel like my twitching and anxiety SKYROCKETS again! Plus my heart mildly hurts afterwards.

I am currently still taking drugs, hash is daily (I know I shouldn't and I hate how it raises anxiety but now I have this terrible insomnia if I don't smoke).

I know that things to do to help me get out of this anxiety is to workout, sleep, eat healthy etc.... but that doesn't really cut it for me. I still have this terrible anxiety. I don't even know who I am anymore. Sometimes I shed tears to myself because when I reflect on my life I see no real progress, and I hate who I presented myself over the past few months to my immediate and extended family. When I look back on my actions I feel like a scumbag. I don't think I am grateful for what my family does for me, and I feel like I give back nothing.

For example, when I rolled on NYE, I had a happy new years brunch at my house where my family came over. My pupils were fucked so I just stayed in my room tripping on sass on my bed...... sometimes I feel like I'm an ungrateful fucking jerk who doesn't deserve anything. And I get everything handed to me basically.

it really is a terrible feeling to not be comfortable in your own skin. It really has affected my grades, my social life (of course which is almost non-existent), and has been slowly deteriorating my hope things will get better. I have not shared any of this information I posted with my best friend or anyone else, because I don't want them to think I have a problem. That's another thing about me, I don't like to let my guard down, no matter how bad I want to express my emotions...

It's funny, because I posted a thread about anxiety and how MDMA fucked me around six months ago (I deleted the thread because I thought I was better), and here I am back again.

 

[Korn3x]

Very similar to me. Very similar. I actually created a thread recently but then had huge anxiety about posting the thread and had it deleted shortly after. I too understand the H thing. It's an easy way out but it's not a solution to the problem. The solution to the problem is to face our problems directly (unfortunately). I'm only just now coming to this realization. Gotta avoid the benzos and opiates tho it'll only make matters worse over time.

I'm currently trying to get my mind together to quit weed but it's been a tough process. I'm confused about which road to take. I think weed could be part of the problem but it's hard to make it over 2 months before one can start feeling normal. I've never made it that far in the 3+ years of my smoking. I'll try and shoot you a PM with more info if I can remember.

Uninstall any video games too I just did this today and feel like I've regained a small amount of control of my life again.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I suggest taking a break from drugs and give yourself time to adjust. Try to focus on why you feel the way you do, and try to work past it.

 

[kace]

Take a break from smoking.

 

[Ego Death]

Weed has to be one of the worst drugs for an introvert. I used to have bad social anxiety and trust me weed is not your friend. You can go back to weed once you get over you s.a.d. but when you are in the midst of it, it will only make it worse.

 

[Mysterie]

i too am an introvert and can relate a fuckton to the things you are experiencing

if MDMA and weed are creating an overall negative effect on your life, cut them out. (although if you have the will-power to get high only once every 2 weeks it shouldn't negatively impact your lifestyle)

after daily toking, yes it will be difficult to sleep but thats usually just for a few days
do you have a doctor? see if you can get prescribed 25-50mg of seroquel for this initial stage of weedrawal (also works as a mild anxiolytic at this dosage)

have you tried the south african herb Kanna? It is also good for anxiety and has helped a lot of people get over the need to get fucked up and improves mood/sociability

seconding everyone else smoking too much weed will set you backwards with your personality (i know from experience)

perhaps start reading/pursuing how natural lifestyle changes such as daily exercise (30 mins run every day does wonders for my anxiety/depression) and nutrition can change ur life

what ive learnt about this disorder is that its caused by running from situations that will cause anxiety, to overcome it, you have to challenge yourself by throwing yourself into these kinds of situations (saying hi to a girl you are attracted to, for e.g.) to prove that you can do it and it wont hurt you, and then by repeating these activities it solidifies those pathways in our brain of confidence

fake it till ya make it

 

[furthurgone]

i too am an introvert and can relate a fuckton to the things you are experiencing

if MDMA and weed are creating an overall negative effect on your life, cut them out. (although if you have the will-power to get high only once every 2 weeks it shouldn't negatively impact your lifestyle)

after daily toking, yes it will be difficult to sleep but thats usually just for a few days
do you have a doctor? see if you can get prescribed 25-50mg of seroquel for this initial stage of weedrawal (also works as a mild anxiolytic at this dosage)

have you tried the south african herb Kanna? It is also good for anxiety and has helped a lot of people get over the need to get fucked up and improves mood/sociability

seconding everyone else smoking too much weed will set you backwards with your personality (i know from experience)

perhaps start reading/pursuing how natural lifestyle changes such as daily exercise (30 mins run every day does wonders for my anxiety/depression) and nutrition can change ur life

what ive learnt about this disorder is that its caused by running from situations that will cause anxiety, to overcome it, you have to challenge yourself by throwing yourself into these kinds of situations (saying hi to a girl you are attracted to, for e.g.) to prove that you can do it and it wont hurt you, and then by repeating these activities it solidifies those pathways in our brain of confidence

fake it till ya make it

This response is great. Lots of good advice here. I'd love to hear how the OP is doing or if he has made any changes, so please keep us updated! Best of luck to you and just know that all is well and MANY people experience these things. It's liberating to know that YOU have the ability to make changes, the best advice I can give is to be as open as possible with others and trust that no one judges you as hard as you do.

And if you "feel like an ungrateful fucking jerk," just simply appreciate the one's you love, and make sure to express your love to others. It all comes around, send love out and it'll come back.

 

[alexvolume2]

I had similar social anxiety issues when I was your age, before that even. I still do, but have sought treatment (meds and therapy) and its helped me out a lot. I chronically smoked every day for nearly ten years w/ rarely any breaks. Now that I look back I see that 24/7 smoking buds was detrimental to my ability to be outgoing.

When I left Chicago where I'd been for the last few years, I was relocated back to the Texas panhandle where I grew up and the drug scene can be sketchy, IMO. I recently quit using opiates/drinking/DXM/crack, etc. and am pretty drug free with my meds(Celexa, Buspirone, Trazodone) and spice type drugs here and there (I know its a bad idea, but I have few options atm). I was prescribed Klonopin for anxiety once but I would eat them like candy and got cut off by my Dr.

I've dealt with major depressive issues for about 15 years now, I found that many drugs such as alcohol, crack, and opiates when I was forced to stop, would result in severe depression-no doubt. I know many knock psychiatric drugs and could even benefit from them if they would try, but it is a personal decision to go the route of psychiatric pharmaceuticals.

The main thing I would do is stop smoking weed all day, seriously, I know it sucks...you could still smoke on weekends or once a day-even that might be pushing it though. Weed was/has been part of my identity for a long time and I still advocate it but, I'm an introvert too and regulating cannabinoid use greatly helped my social skills come back/develop.

I feel that weed covered up a lot of my self coming out and the ability to be open with people. I hope to smoke again someday, but it will be under different circumstances. Good luck.

 

[llama112]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Social anxiety is TOUGH.
I would say - stop smoking so much weed. Give yourself a break from it. Don't smoke it all the time. Try cutting your usage in half.

Have you looked into GABA supplements? They can really help with anxiety. They helped me. However, they have a cross tolerance (or something) with MDMA so do not take MDMA when you're using GABA. I tried twice and I took twice as much MDMA as I usually did (once was tested, good quality stuff - the other was not tested but it worked for all my friends and my bf) and it just didn't work. I could "kinda" feel it when I took twice us much as normal (think ... almost a gram ... by myself). So yes, be very careful about that!!

5-HTP isn't likely going to work. Benzos are nice but you don't want to get in a habit of taking them.

Perhaps try joining something, like a club, a team, something like that. Try to get yourself out there. It is difficult, but you have to make the effort! Baby steps.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Sublime947, I'm sorry you are struggling with social anxiety.. Drug use may mask or make the symptoms worse. If I were you I would attack the root of the problem. I suffered from social anxiety for decades and was able to get to the root of the problem. Social anxiety is the subconscious need for the approval of others. You feel the anxiety around other people because subconsciously you need them to approve of you and your ideas and actions in order for you to feel good about them or yourself. You should look into defining, developing, and believing in YOUR set of values and morals. YOUR values are what YOU feel is important. It is important to search and develop your values, not your parents, not societies, not your brothers, not what your school or any school tells you to value, but instead whats important to you. Don't second guess yourself when you search and find a value of yours, all that is needed is that YOU value it. Once you have identified your values then all you need to do is believe in them. A persons values are unique to them and anything and everything a person values is correct and right. You will need to get your head around the fact that what you value is perfect. You do not need to value what people tell you to, what other people value, what institutions tell you you should value, what people that are trying to sell you stuff say you should value, value what ever you value in your heart, those are the right values for you. How could someone or something else tell you what is important or where to go or how to get there; After all, no matter how convincing they try to be, they only know whats important to them, they have no idea where you want to go or how you want to get there, and may g=have altierior motives, like selling you something. You see once you identify what is important to you then what is important to other people is no longer important. also because you know whats important to you and will no longer need someone to tell you ypou are doin gthe right things, then the opinions of others are able to be taken as that opinions and no longer have the cruising psychological effects.. If your like me you will have at least once had an idea that you were absolutely excited about and when you told another person that questioned or rejected the idea, you may have like me, trashed the idea and were embarrassed you even thought something so lame, when in fact it was a great idea.

Morals are a code buy which you behave based on what behavior is important to YOU. These a principals of behavior you identify as being important to you. If you identify how it is important for you to act and realize that this is exactly how you need and want to act, then you will no longer need the approval of other on your behavior. Once you identify how you need to act for YOU, then it wont matter how you act in front of others. That feeling of people watching and jug=dging your every move, or the dislike of even putting yourself in a location where people can see you, in other word you will become comfortable around other people and will no longer be shy.

IMO you should not use drugs to overcome this, you need to identify what you think, accept it as the way you should be. This is hard to see but really pretty easy to do. A therapist in social anxiety should be able to do wonders for you and I would look for one.. possibly there is a free counselor at your school. Another thing you can do is check out s psychology text that covers social anxiety and its roots from the college library. I would bot suggest counselling yourself but often time identifying the root is pretty powerful.

If you are able to do all this and whatever else it may entail then you will become confident, loose your shyness and awkwardness around other people as well as girls. There is nothing more sext to a woman than a strong confident caring man.. GOOD LUCK.. social anxiety is the pits, dump it, you know where to start. Let us know if this helps, but I already know it will. hang in there until you get the work done

 

[Cheezed]

Propranolol will stop your tremors and twitches.

 

[plmar]

Weed has to be one of the worst drugs for an introvert. I used to have bad social anxiety and trust me weed is not your friend. You can go back to weed once you get over you s.a.d. but when you are in the midst of it, it will only make it worse.

Yeah, the only times I smoke weed I get paranoid and more anxious.
It sucks.
Anxiety sucks.

 

[Sublime947]

Hi everyone... Thank you for the great feedback... I'll try to follow up with the advice here...
I thought this thread had died.... and am relieved it is still here with these great responses. wish I had read them earlier...

however.. I am not going down a good road right now...
It is the last month of the college semester, and I am stressed out and bored of life. My grades aren't slipping too much, but I am tired of life. I do nothing on the weekends or anything to be honest....
I have also lost all my money, 500-600 dollars on an online gambling website last spring break. I made 900 from 100 then kept chasing my losses... I feel like I have been becoming increasingly selfish and distant with other people.
I have also been becoming dependent, buying diazepam for the past two weeks, have been taking like 5-10mg like 5-6 times a week...... they make me feel less anxiety by a lot... but they have also been making me feel like a depressed zombie lately. I notice that when I am off them too I become a lot more irritable and get angry at small things....


I have also tried 4-AcO-DMT again, and had a very strong trip. It was during the day, with my roommate who was sober. I actually burst out into tears, because I had such a self-reflective trip that made me not like the person I was becoming, the loser I had become; the bitter and unmotivated person inside of me. Tears kept coming out of my eyes, I could not help it. My roommate asked why my eyes were so red I had to lie and say allergies. 4-AcO-DMT was probably one of the most introspective and emotional trips I had in my life, but I couldn't handle it. I had to pop a valium halfway through it.


everytime i smoke weed i take a little bit. i dont have many friends here, but the friends i do have all smoke so I always pop like half a valium before and after.. I don't even enjoy marijuana anymore to be honest. It just gets me high. not really something i look forward too.

the anxiety isn't very much present anymore, but i just feel tired and depressed.. I do not get those twitches or muscle spasms after smoking anymore though which is a good thing I Guess.

However, I am planning to pick up some heroin w/ the remaining $ i have this weekend :/ that's like the only thing I'm looking forward to it seems to be the gateway to making me feel happy and content with my life. To be honest I Think about opiates everyday. Maybe it will let me grow a pair to hold a conversation more than 5 seconds with a girl.. however I know this is the worst path to go down. Somehow though, I feel too apathetic to care at the moment. I should really find a steady hobby....

One of my favorite hobbies is gloving, I love making other people happy with light shows :D. However I can only glove sometimes (in situations where other people are feeling groovy haha ), and I have not been to many shows recently due to losing all my money gambling.... sad.



my best friend who is my roommate is also asking me questions about my current condition, asking if i am happy and shit.... noticing that i dont talk as much anymore and stuff... i just say everything is okay...

He seems deeply concerned about me. I wish I didn't make him feel this way

 

[Sublime947]

Wow really, all these answers have been excellent and thoughtful. Big thank you to everyone who posted here..... I am taking in everything here from each of your posts and I appreciate the encouragement. Although I know my situation is getting worse at the moment... masking my problems with drugs which makes my sobriety more depressing.....


this song basically describes my life at the moment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so7mYHZRVag

 

[rickolasnice]

You need to stop with the drugs.

Get regular exercise, a regular sleep pattern and a strict healthy diet.

Put yourself out there, jump head first into situations you don't like and ACT like someone else. Act like you are confident. Stand and talk like you are confident.. just doing this will start to make you actually feel more confident

Good luck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

 

[plmar]

However, because I spent so much time at home and on the internet, I found out a way to make lots of money. When I was 18 I was making £2k/week I told 1 childhood friend about this, and the news spread. Suddenly, my image changed from being "a really quite boy" to - well I'm not really sure. But as nobody else my age (I'm 19) makes as much money as me, instead of me being really shy and avoiding contact at all costs. I walk around with an independent attitude, not caring about what anyone else thinks of me "I'd rather be me than you, I make money" yes arrogant I agree. But it sure does feel better.

 

[Phase0)))]

I am also 18 and have extremely, EXTREMELY severe social anxiety. But I noticed that when I stopped all substance use, ALL substance use, including marijuana, I can actually start to form a good conversation with people. Gabapentin helps too.

But you can't just solve it with medication. You gotta actually push yourself into awkward situations. Because we had not learned the necessary tools to properly socialize, we spent most of our time on the internet or otherwise only getting socialization from improper methods. Not saying the internet is bad, but it still is not the real world no matter how much we rely on it these days. You can only learn the skills by going out into the world and observing how people interact normally.

And man I will tell you, it doesn't take as long as you think nor does it have the consequences you or I would think of. It becomes very easy in the end.

Maybe try a anxiety class or some form of group therapy. That's what I did, start off in an environment that would understand the awkwardness.

Once you cut out the substances, then it is all in your head! You will realize that it IS all in your head! You can take control of yourself, just takes pushing yourself to do the very things that we avoid. But the rewards are the biggest relief you will feel, I promise you.

Take care man

 

[FnX]

I think there's a pretty clear pattern with the continued, perhaps even increased drug use and you feeling worse and worse. Applying a benzodiazepine band-aid to allow one to use more drugs when the head can't take it anymore is rarely a good sign. I'm really sorry to hear you seem to have lost your appreciation for life, I know what it feels like to be there. I just don't believe it can get better with even more drug use, it's just gonna be spring break all over again, you're chasing your losses but this time the stakes are much higher. Keep chasing long enough and there's nothing left to lose anymore, no new drug to take to make the ever worsening pain go away. It's a dead end man... Seriously, you don't want to go there. It's such a shame most have to learn it the hard way.

My honest advice for you at this point would probably be to drop all other drugs except maybe the diazepam if you feel you can't do it without it (but don't abuse it!). Then stay off the drugs, eventually dropping diazepam too (tapering might be in order) and staying off it too for as long as it takes for you to start feeling better. Not necessarily good (as it might not be right around the corner), but better, just keep focusing at getting better. You will get in touch with yourself again eventually, you will heal. Though in all honesty, I think it's going to be a rather harrowing experience, there's no escaping that anymore. Even then I think it's the better option of the two you have right now... From I gathered though, you implied you had social anxiety even before turning to drugs, so eventually consulting a doctor/psychologist/therapist about your issues might not be a bad idea, I just believe you might do yourself a disservice if you go about it while still actively using drugs.

I understand your apahty too, it often comes with both depression and depressants. I think it really highlights how insidious and cruel this blight of depression can be; I'm pretty sure there's not many depressed people who wish they were more depressed, yet many purposefully walk on a path that leads to further depression, just because they've stopped caring. But you still care about having someone in your life to love, a girlfriend no? Even if you were able to express yourself amazingly when on drugs like heroin and diazepam, do you honestly believe a polydrug addiction that makes somebody 'functional' is a thing that makes people look more attractive to the opposite sex?

Your best friend isn't the only one concerned about you, I'm pretty sure your family is concerned too, but I'd guess you really do your best so they won't confront you directly with that? Even a bunch of strangers from the internet are concerned. In the end, it's up to you to fix things, but we are here to support you. I kind of wish I could transfer some of my experiences to you, but on the other hand I wouldn't want anybody going through something like that.

I really wish the best for you. Take it step by step and may the Rain wash your pain away...

 

[neversickanymore]

^^ Nice post FnX

 

[RedLeader]

It seems like you are holding onto the hope that your next roll or your next trip is gonna be the one that slams perspective into you and solves all of the problems causing your social anxiety. And though I am not going to outright rule that out, the odds are that you are gonna have a lot more bad trips before anything really clicks. That really means a lot of pain, and I don't think you really want more pain, right? Psychedelics can help better your life when you are ready for them, but now is not that time. They are just gonna eat you alive.

As for MDMA, it really is a false reality. A false reality that feels really freaking great, but you can really only count on it for a few hours of silly euphoria before returning back to the same old same old. You can make great friends in the rave scene and form lots of memories. But a lot of ravers overdo it and end up strung-out on heroin five years later, so try and not make a lifestyle out of it.

If you have the ability to really select your weed, switch to an indica with a low %. And try to only smoke before bed. I love a lot of things about weed, but it also gives me anxiety unless I have the right kind of strain.

A lot of people are introverts. I am too. You're probably not going to become the class clown or the life of the party even if you push yourself, but you definitely can work your way to a life with friends, dates, people approaching you, etc. A lot of it is having confidence in yourself, or at least some aspects of your life. I found that working out really helps this (and the gym gives you a lot of pretenses to talk with new people). When in school, I was a night owl and bonded with other night owls in the computer labs or the library at 4am.

Also, please be careful with the heroin. It really does raise the stakes to a whole new level - a level that will eventually have you wishing that being shy around girls was your biggest problem.

Once you get past college, people tend to be attracted to - platonic or romantically - to people who work hard and accomplish a lot. Even more so when they follow their hearts. College should be fun, but you don't want to let your life peak during a bunch of frat parties. Get a degree, make a half dozen good friends, travel when you can and have faith that it will get easier when you are past all of that.