Hi Imtryin,
I just finished reading through your thread. Wow! Ain't sobriety uh... interesting? lol Time consuming as well, hmmm? I've been sober from alcohol for 7 1/2 years and, reading your story reminds me of my struggles. For me, I tried to do it on my own because, if I went to meetings, that meant I really had a problem! When I finally gave up (after 35 years of drinking (no problem there, huh?)) and went, I had heard someone say "I wasn't a one white chipper (meaning they kept relapsing while in the program)" so, of course, I used that as an excuse to relapse. Six months later, I was back/relapse/back again. That obsession of mind, thinking of drinking every night, was driving me nuts! My sponsor asked me if I got on my knees and asked God to take the obsession away. I was not a religious person at all but I was desperate so I did it and it worked. I haven't had a desire to drink since. But, that's my story. The program doesn't work for everyone and I certainly respect everyone's journey. It worked for me because, being an isolation drinker, it taught me how to be social again without having to be high. I also got to hear how other people lived through crap without having to take a drink to do so. To each person their path.
I do admire yours, in that you have experienced some difficult situations since you've started on this journey of freedom from using codeine. You seem to be one tough lady! You seem to take your slipping when you lost your job very hard, and, while it's understandable, the point of a slip should be to learn from them, not beat yourself up about it. I mean, you can if you wish, that is your choice, but it's not very productive.
To be optimistic, seven months after I finally got sober this time, I was filling out the forms for financial aid for my sons to go to college and I thought "why not try for myself?" which I did. Amazingly, I got financial aid and got accepted to college! That was a dream of mine for 30 years! I went to community college to become a substance abuse counselor, found out I needed a bachelors degree so I went to university and graduated from there! During that time, I met a guy, fell in love, found out he kept relapsing on heroin, nearly lost my mind, he went to rehab, only to start dating my best friend while he was supposed to be working on my trust issues with him. Turned her on to heroin, she overdosed and died, and that was when I found out he was cheating on me. Two years of insane depression (while going to college), I was in no state to be a counselor, so now I'm in graduate school, much better emotionally (still hate him though. Working on that. lol), and I graduate next year. I work with people who have been incarcerated due to substance abuse issues. When I got sober, I was working as a cashier in a hardware store.
I tell you all that to show that, if I had thought almost 8 years ago that, when I got sober, all I would do would be to finally get my life back by not drinking, I would have sold myself very short. I have had moments when I had no idea how I'd pay my rent, only to have something happen where I would have the money. Like they say: "I don't have everything I want, but I've always had everything I've needed". I've also replaced my addiction to alcohol with an addiction to technology. For someone with no job for the last 7 years, I now have 3 laptops, 1 desktop server, the latest hi tech cellphone, two tablets, two smartwatches... you get the idea. I take vacations, etc. You hate that you spent all that money fixing up your house. I saw it as you spent all that money improving your home so that, if you have to sell it, you'll get more now, with the improvements, than you would have before.
Two other insights: 1. I believe everything happens for a reason. It may be just me but, it looks like you may have lost your job so that you can be there for your daughter during her time of difficulty. If you had lost your job sooner, she might not have been receptive to being with you (as you stated, she couldn't go on vacation earlier due to her state of mind). Now, with no job, you have the time to be there for her, which is what she needs right now. You can both be there for each other (without her knowing how much she's helping you, of course).
And 2. Try to stop reading about PAWS. Everyone's reaction is different but we, as addicts, will read someone else's symptoms and swear we're going through the same thing. Suffice it to say that it exists, it can suck, it is what it is, move on. It won't kill you but, if you obsess about it, it will make you miserable. Exercise, enjoy your daughters juice fast, try not to fantasize about steak too much, and remember, every day above ground is a good day. I wish you all the good fortune on your journey. You're fighting a very tough battle, one that, for everyday clean, you can be proud of. Celebrate your victories, learn from your mistakes.
Sorry so long.
