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My secret

Latestart said:
I'm trying, I agree, people need to read the WHOLE thread! Grrrrrr....
Anyway I have, mostly only your posts and wonder if you have any idea how many lives you could be possibly saving with your post\blog whatever hahahaha ;) you are a trooper and don't you listen to negative Neds you owe NOBODY but YOURSELF accountability. We don't know anything about your husband. Mine is amazing too but I'm not ready to come clean to him either.

PS. I just counted out an actual taper because of your posts ( mostly because we are almost the same)
Big hug!
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First of all, please do not demean anybody's suggestions around here. Everyone on this board tries to help. Just because you do not like the suggestion does not mean you should try to negate it by calling other's "negative" or anything like that. The only "suggestion" we tend to not tolerate is suggesting that somebody use more or different drugs to deal with their issue. The large majority of people (including professionals) agree that one of the first efforts to successfully enter recover begins with getting honest with self and others. We need to become accountable and understand that we have a disease and that disease must be managed. By keeping things a secret, you keep it locked in personal shame. No addict is happy or proud of having an addiction.

Hate to say this, but both probably have an idea that something is up. Its great you guys have amazing husbands, just think of how much they can help you if they know exactly what is going on.

Remember, addiction is a very serious matter that kills and it should be treated as such. If you had cancer or diabetes would you hide it from a spouse? Likely not, the same should go with addiction. Addiction thrives on guilt and shame and keeping something hidden tends to reinforce that guilt and shame.

Part of addiction is denial, part of addiction is lying, its not just the using of drugs but of the entire package. Addiction is a thinking disease/disorder that drug use is just a symptom of. It often has some very extreme behavioral effects and effects an entire family system. 99.9 percent of the time, it is better for the person struggling to reveal their issues rather then to get caught. And most people will get caught eventually.

I used to get caught all the time, I also used to think to myself "I can never tell anybody about my problem." Guess what, everybody knew. Why? Because I was fucked up all the time.

For many, including myself, treating addiction requires a tremendous amount of outside support. That can be achieved in many ways, but I'd bet that each and every single form of it would encourage opening up to the family. Will it be uncomfortable at first? Sure, but its much better then completely devastating an entire family which is very possible if one is caught or even worse jailed or dead. I see it happen constantly.

Iamtrying - I am sorry to here what happened to your daughter. Something happened to my sister and also my ex which I'd imagine is very similar. Just to put it into perspective, I'd imagine the last thing your daughter wants or needs is for you to use over that pain.

Pain is a huge motivator for change and addiction tends to prevent us from being able to move on. I have had two deaths, a mom having a mini stroke and a rough breakup since I got clean and I can tell you I processed them much quicker then I did when I was using. When I used I obsessed over both personal tragedy/trauma and trauma that happened to loved ones.
 
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Very sorry. I thought I was being supportive. I will just read from now on and not post....BL has some harsh people.....
Anyway, good luck.
Ill root for you and hope you rock this!
 
That's the thing about BL ,- it's accounts or a personal journey that give us all independent stories of what & how we need support or a place to vent that we don't feel we have an outlet for irl.

I commend Imtryin in not wanting to involve her husband in a world unrelated to their marriage & to attempt to protect him from poorer choices made previously.

A non addict will never understand an addicts choices. Does that need to be a second element in imtryins marriage? Sometimes lying by omission can be right for the person/ppl involved. It's not for one of us to dictate what another BLr should divulge in their personal r'ships.

Imtryin, kudos once more!

Feel well, feel free,

Rtp ❤️
 
Hi there folks
in reponse to some of the recents posts-no offense, but I wasn't actually asking for advice on the subject of telling my husband of my drug use. At least I dont remember asking for advice. 4 months ago, I posted my story, my first post where I told my truth -I wasn't asking to be judged by that. Not by anyone. I don't judge any of you for the choices you make in your recovery.
If it makes you happy, I'm happy to tell you that I just told my husband all about my drug use, and all is well in the world. But I would rather just be honest about my journey and share what is true
thanks
 
Yes, but its a sober living Forum not a marriage issues forum....right?
Its just a fact that non addicts don't really get the addict thinking and that's why most of us come here....for support not judgement.
I could be way out of line here so feel free to correct me.
To me it was a hurtful post.....and this isn't even my blog\thread\forum whatever.
At any rate she is a hero for just sharing imho
 
Hello there!
i hope everyone is having a good day! I am doing well, in a few days I will have 6 weeks clean, which will be the most I have had since I started this journey back in May. I had a rough day yesterday, but I got through it an hour at a time. I'm glad I didn't use, because today is a much better day. The kids went back too school this week, so it is quiet in the house now. I plan on cleaning out my basement over the next 2 weeks and then actively begin my job search.

I I had a bit of a health scare-I was at the drugstore waiting for a prescription for my husband and they were taking forever -I was sitting beside the do it yourself blood pressure machine, and I wondered what my blood preassure was, so I checked it. The first reading was 198/100.....I figured i did something wrong. The second reading. Was similar, so I just figured the machine was broken. Long story short, I went to 2 other parmacys because I was a bit worried, and they were all around that same number, give or take 10... I spoke to the pharmacist, and he suggested that I go to my doctors right away. Of course I couldn't get an appointment for a couple of weeks, so I went to the walk in clinic. The doctor there said that it was dangerously high and I would need medication immediately. She also ordered bloodwork.... I guess at around 220 your organs start to stop working. Pretty scary. I feel totally normal and not sick at all. I guess that is why they call it the silent killer. So needless to say, I am watching my sodium intake, and I am walking an hour, twice a day.

So that's what is new for me. I hope you have a wonderful day and thanks for letting me share
 
Whoa--that is a scary number! So now you are on bp medication? Glad you got curious and found out before anything happened.

Congratulations on 6 weeks. Especially because there have been days like yesterday when you have to make it an hour at a time. That is so admirable (and I am saying that with the utmost sincerity.) It sounds like you are getting a lot done at home that you couldn't tackle when you were working so that's a plus!:) We've lived in our house for almost 25 years and sometimes I think a fire will be the only way it gets cleaned out (no basement but an attic full of no doubt useless crap.)

School has started for me as well and we have a ton of great parent and grandparent volunteers this year--yay! I can't remember how old your kids are but I think they are post-elementary, right? If they are still elementary you might consider volunteering for a short amount of time until you find work--it can be pretty gratifying to help out in a classroom. I'm convinced that when I retire (pipedream but nvm) I will just keep going to school as a volunteer.

Have a lovely day yourself, Imtryin.<3
 
Hello there.
I just passed 7 weeks clean!! The last couple weeks have been pretty good, other than one or two brutal days.
Hebavore-i decided to take yourr advice....my daughter is in highschool, but i went to her old elementary school and started a craft club. I go twice a week and do crafts with kids from grade 2-6.....i do most of the prep work at home, so they can get more accomplished, as we only have 55 minutes. Im pretty excited about it, actually... It is a real lesson in patience, but for the most part-these kids are great!! I dont know how long ill be able to do this, but in the meantime, it is good for me.
I have also gotten half my basement done. Now, if i can just get a job...... Actually, i wish i could start up my own business. But that is such a risky idea and i dont have any idea of what i would do.
Ayway, i havent been on BL for a while because ive been so busy.....and when i come on, i ususally read for a couple of hours!!
i hope everyone is well and having a great day!
 
Hey, that is all great to hear! I love doing art with kids. If you ever do decide to start a business, you have what it takes. You obviously have drive, energy, motivation, creativity and you are a people person. :)
 
Glad to hear you're still doing well, imtryin! I haven't been on much, keeping busy at work and occupying myself away from the computer at home to keep my mind off things, but it helps. Still going strong here. Day 59.

Keep up the great work!
 
I'm a (very) long time lurker, first time poster. I made an account JUST to try and get an update about ImTryin. Her story was so, so inspirational to me that I have been left with her constantly on my heart, wondering how she is. I apologize if she has posted elsewhere with an update.. When I try to use the website via my cell phone, searching and other tasks are extremely difficult. Sorry for that. & thanks I'm advance for any answers. Have a blessed night, folks.
 
I like to think imtryin is doing very well. I feel like Imtryin got what was needed from the forum and has moved on to bigger and better things.
 
Hers was one that got me as well and I'd bet money she is well and livin life.....she is a great gal
 
Hello BL friends
Well it's been over a year, a tough year at that. I don't remember how long I stayed clean, but depression took over and I wasn't clean anymore. Losing my job took its toll. It was so hard starting over after a 25 year career. I took a job that was horrible. But I had to pay the bills so I took it. I also took pills every day to cope. Anyway, long story short, I kept looking and I just landed an awesome job. So I went to a horrible clinic to get some suboxone, and I got off the pills. I'm now off the suboxone as well, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life.
Im actually surprised my husband didn't leave me this past year-as my addiction prevented me from being a decent human being, let alone a wife or mother. He is super dad, so my teenage daughter survived
Right now, I do t feel like taking any pills, but I know how quickly that changes and I am not sure that I have enough will power to fight it-so I need to do some things different. I'm going for walks and trying to take an interest in baking. Mostly I get really bored and end up watching hours of Netflix
what I do know is that the longest I stayed clean, was when I was here sharing on BL. So I'm going to try this agian. There is a lot riding on me staying clean this time.
I know how much this site helped me before-Herbavore might be the kindest person I ever "spoke to", and there were a few others that I looked forward to hearing from. It's interesting how you can look forward to something as simple as a message and how much it can help you.
Thanks for listening
 
Wow! What a journey you have been on imtryin. I just took the time to read through the entire post. As much as we would love for it to jot be the case a part of recovery is relapse. It is always painful, shameful, and brings about feelings of hopelessness. Im so glad you have found your way back to BL. The people here and the support they have to offer is unmatched in my opinion. I see where you stated that you spent some time on Suboxone. If you don't mind me asking, how long and why did you decide to stop using the medication assisted treatment?

I spent many many years addicted to pain medication first then heroin later. I tried many times to stop using on my own to no avail. I truly began to accept the idea that a drug addict was all I would ever be. That it was my calling, my destiny even though I wanted nothing more than to be "normal." I found my way to a clinic that provided medication assisted treatment. I spent 4 years total on replacement therapy and successfully tapered out. I am going on 7 years clean. My life is one that I had only imagined was possible. After my experience I decided it was my calling to work in the substance abuse field. To help people who feel lost, just like I did. While I live a beautiful life it is not without its troubles and I still have moments where I romanticize my previous use. Often times I see people have success in treatment and begin to feel pressured by themselves or family members to "get off the medication already." We spent a ton of time using so it takes some significant time to repair the damage and prepare our lives for sobriety. I wish you all the best. I believe in you and your ability to get your life back from the drug. I will come back and check on you often. Just know that needing help, whatever kind of help it is, is ok. ❤????
 
Tryin -

I only made it through half the post so far, but, you are clearly very strong and can make it though this! I would like to know why you decided to quit the subs and how long ago as well?

Its awesome that you aren't at bottom and having to climb yourself back out of a huge hole. You haven't lost your family/home/job, you aren't facing legal issues, or on probation, etc. That is something to be thankful for for sure!

Using BL for ongoing sobriety is a great idea. I'm almost 3 weeks clean off of a long oxy habit and I plan to use BL for my ongoing sobriety. It will help me so much to give advice to people who are in the position I was. Maybe I think that because of how BL and other forums have helped me to understand how to get off these fuckers. Reading countless stories of success and failure helped me get to where I am today. I want to contribute to that, if I can - that is what I believe will keep ME on the right path. Of course, if meetings and therapy are an option, that's probably equally as good. Certainly using BL as your only support isn't ideal, but it's better than nothing.

Best of luck!

- VE
 
Imtryin said:
Hello BL friends
Well it's been over a year, a tough year at that. I don't remember how long I stayed clean, but depression took over and I wasn't clean anymore. Losing my job took its toll. It was so hard starting over after a 25 year career. I took a job that was horrible. But I had to pay the bills so I took it. I also took pills every day to cope. Anyway, long story short, I kept looking and I just landed an awesome job. So I went to a horrible clinic to get some suboxone, and I got off the pills. I'm now off the suboxone as well, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life.
Im actually surprised my husband didn't leave me this past year-as my addiction prevented me from being a decent human being, let alone a wife or mother. He is super dad, so my teenage daughter survived
Right now, I do t feel like taking any pills, but I know how quickly that changes and I am not sure that I have enough will power to fight it-so I need to do some things different. I'm going for walks and trying to take an interest in baking. Mostly I get really bored and end up watching hours of Netflix
what I do know is that the longest I stayed clean, was when I was here sharing on BL. So I'm going to try this agian. There is a lot riding on me staying clean this time.
I know how much this site helped me before-Herbavore might be the kindest person I ever "spoke to", and there were a few others that I looked forward to hearing from. It's interesting how you can look forward to something as simple as a message and how much it can help you.
Thanks for listening
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herby is an AMAZING presence here on BL. We are very lucky to have her. She has helped me way more than she knows. Even though I rarely speak to her these days, her words continue to be an inspiration and positive presence in my life. Little does she know =D

I look forwards to having you around Imtryin. Hold you head up! You're doing fucking awesome. No wonder your partner is supportive!

How long have you been off the buprenorphine?
 
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Imtryin said:
Hello BL friends
Well it's been over a year, a tough year at that. I don't remember how long I stayed clean, but depression took over and I wasn't clean anymore. Losing my job took its toll. It was so hard starting over after a 25 year career. I took a job that was horrible. But I had to pay the bills so I took it. I also took pills every day to cope. Anyway, long story short, I kept looking and I just landed an awesome job. So I went to a horrible clinic to get some suboxone, and I got off the pills. I'm now off the suboxone as well, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life.
Im actually surprised my husband didn't leave me this past year-as my addiction prevented me from being a decent human being, let alone a wife or mother. He is super dad, so my teenage daughter survived
Right now, I do t feel like taking any pills, but I know how quickly that changes and I am not sure that I have enough will power to fight it-so I need to do some things different. I'm going for walks and trying to take an interest in baking. Mostly I get really bored and end up watching hours of Netflix
what I do know is that the longest I stayed clean, was when I was here sharing on BL. So I'm going to try this agian. There is a lot riding on me staying clean this time.
I know how much this site helped me before-Herbavore might be the kindest person I ever "spoke to", and there were a few others that I looked forward to hearing from. It's interesting how you can look forward to something as simple as a message and how much it can help you.
Thanks for listening
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congrats!!! :)
 
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