My secret

[Bernc1]

Hey there.
Noce to hear from you pokemama-I didn't take any more-I didn't have any more. I would need to hit the streets to get any, and I'm pretty sure there is no dealer that will take one look at me and sell me anything!!!
all those pills i took yesterday and I didn't even get a buzz.

I really don't want to live in my reality right now. Without my income, our family lifestyle will change dramatically. We will probably lose our home within 24 months, as I will not have enough money to subsidize for much li ger than that. I can live without our trips, the second car, the latest digital gadget-but our home is so special. And even though I beleive I have at least 20 good working years left, I know that the best money I will get is 40-50k-which is half of what I need to pay all the bills. So after I'm done feeling sorry for myself because I lost my job and I miss my staff and the job itself, I am going to have to face reality that my salary is going to plummet. That is if I even get a new Job someplace. There is no way we get to stay in our home. ( it is not a big house. By any means -but we redid our backyard and put in a pool/spa and really made it a special place to spend time ) now I regret spending all that money. Because it is what is going to make the damn place to expensive to keep. And I get to tell my husband and my daughter. That their lives have to blow up because of me. Fuck

sorry for rambling. I'm going to watch Netflix all night and pretend my life doesn't. Suck
but I didn't take these little stupid blue pills. I'm going to have to flush them, or im going to end up taking them. Taking 5 little blue pills that I have no idea what they Are-that's not fucking crazy? Is it???
Thanks for listening to me

I'm sorry very sorry to hear this all. I want to begin by saying that I'm also very sorry that I'm an extremely precise person. When I read things I take it all in. I never mean any offense neither so PLEASE understand that and believe it since I DO NOT judge others but rather choose to help them whenever I can (even though I often can't even help myself).......you began by saying that you had none left. You ended by saying that you needed to "flush them or you'd end up taking them". I hope so much that you "flushed" instead of "took" yet that's so much easier said then done considering your predicament. Sadly for many (myself included even though just as you mine were mostly for chronic pain yet I abused them and then unlike you I then sought more from a family member) pills are also a "way out". I believe you live in Canada?? Am I correct? 40-50 k per year here is an awesome income in itself. 50,000 is actually my entire income and I also have all the latest technolical devises and a pool and spa. Sometimes sacrifices must be made though when we reach a challenge. I am going to apologize upfront for being blunt (that's just how I am) but nows the time to tell your husband. He loves you, your friends on here love you and I'm sure anyone that has the pleasure to meet you in person will love you?. Don't give up, don't beat yourself up. Keep "TRYIN"!!!!!!! I am certain your husband won't leave you, you'll find a new job (by all means maybe even a better one in which you'll make more money yet also keep in mind that money does not buy happiness..."luxuries" are fantastic but happiness is priceless), you have a daughter in which you adore and I'm sure who ADORES you to the maximum, your beautiful personality which can be seen by people not even "seeing" you but rather just by the words you speak....I could go on and on but will stop here for now. You went over 6 weeks which I commend you SOOOOOO VERY MUCH FOR!! So if you didn't ditch those pills yet, I hope you have now because to me your not still "imtryin" but STILL "isucceeded" and one little slip up is not going to destroy you. The depression factor of it all will of course bring you "down" for a bit but give it as much time as needed and then go back out there and kick the worlds ass!!!! I wish I knew what you did for a living but I also don't expect you to write that publically. The economy is so very poor but if what you did previously led you up to the top (which is where you deserve to be) then there MUST be something else out there that will take into consideration how high of a position you once had and would be thrilled to employ you!!! I'm sure of it!! I read something last night concerning my illness and it said "Help find a cure yet never forget these four words HOPE, STRENGTH, FAITH AND COURAGE".....those words do NOT just hold true for what I have but also hold true for ALL people. Never give up! Never stop "tryin" and you my dear friend WILL succeed!!!!!!....lots and lots of love to you!!!!!!

 

[Bernc1]

I'm sorry very sorry to hear this all. I want to begin by saying that I'm also very sorry that I'm an extremely precise person. When I read things I take them all in. I never mean any offense neither so PLEASE understand that and believe it since I DO NOT judge others but rather choose to help them whenever I can (even though I often can't even help myself).......you began by saying that you had none left. You ended by saying that you needed to "flush them or your end up taking them". I hope so much that you "flushed" instead of "took" yet that's so much easier said then done considering your predicament. Sadly for many (myself included even though just as you mine were mostly for chronic pain yet I abused them and then sought more from a family member) pills are also a "way out". I believe you live in Canada?? Am I correct? 40-50 k per year here is an awesome income in itself. 50,000 is actually my entire income and I also have all the latest technolical devises and a pool and spa. Sometimes sacrifices must be made though when we reach a challenge. I am going to apologize upfront for being blunt (that's just how I am) but nows the time to tell your husband. He loves you, your friends on here love you and I'm sure anyone that has the pleasure to meet you in person will love you?. Don't give up, don't beat yourself up. Keep "TRYIN"!!!!!!! I am certain your husband won't leave you, you'll find a new job (by all means maybe even a better one in which you'll make more money yet also keep in mind that money does not buy happiness..."luxuries" are fantastic but happiness is priceless), you have a daughter in which you adore and I'm sure who ADORES you to the maximum, your beautiful personality which can be seen by people not even "seeing" you but rather just by the words you speak....I could go on and on but will stop here for now. You went over 6 weeks which I commend you SOOOOOO VERY MUCH FOR!! So if you didn't ditch those pills yet, I hope you have now because to me your not still "imtryin" but STILL "isucceeded" and one little slip up is not going to destroy you. The depression factor of it all will of course bring you "down" for a bit but give it as much time as needed and then go back out there and kick the worlds ass!!!! I wish I knew what you did for a living but I also don't expect you to write that publically. The economy is so very poor but if what you did previously led you up to the top (which is where you deserve to be) then there MUST be something else out there that will take into consideration how high of a position you once had and would be thrilled to employ you!!! I'm sure of it!! I read something last night concerning my illness and it said "Help find a cure yet never forget these four words HOPE, STRENGTH, FAITH AND COURAGE".....those words do NOT just hold true for what I have but also hold true for ALL people. Never give up! Never stop "tryin" and you my dear friend WILL succeed!!!!!!....lots and lots of love to you!!!!!!

And if I misunderstood PLEASE correct me. I just saw at the beginning that you wrote you had none left but then saw at the end of having 5 blue pills left that you were going to flush. Again, I have very little knowledge when it comes to codeine and would not be upset in the least if I was wrong as for what you meant. All else I said though I will definitely stand by since I can tell you're a "fighter" and KNOW THAT "imsucceeding" will again be your name.....yet I also know how hard it is which is what makes this site so very amazing

 

[Bernc1]

And if you'd ever like to speak to me privately please feel free to do so. I wish so much with my own background that I would be able have all the answers but I can promise you one thing and that is that I am a fantastic listener. Again lots of love to you

 

[Imtryin]

And if you'd ever like to speak to me privately please feel free to do so. I wish so much with my own background that I would be able have all the answers but I can promise you one thing and that is that I am a fantastic listener. Again lots of love to you

 

[Imtryin]

Bern-thanks for the support
To answer your pill question-i did relapse and took 28 tylenol 3's on Monday ( that was all i could get my hands on)
then on thursday, i was going through all my drawers and i found 5 little blue pills. I tried to identify them, but i could not.
After obsesesing over them for most of the night, i threw them out
Hope that helps

 

[Imtryin]

Hey there
i probably should have thought more before I posted about money and how much I make. I am aware that there are many, many great people out there that are struggling and would be happy to have a minimum wage job. People that have had to go through horrible personal financial situations. I have always been grateful for what I have. I am very generous with my money. Both my husband and myself grew up without money-my husband went hungry many times. Our life is very good today, but that is not because it was handed to us on a.silver platter. Both of us worked really hard over the last 25 years to get what we have in life. Don't get me wrong, we aren't rich. We are middle class. Although we were smart enough to save enough money to put our daughter through university, we didn't save enough to handle a hit like me losing my job. When my mom got sick, I took an unpaid leave to care for her, and that cost os over $50k in lost wages then. My husbands brother also got sick and because he was unable to work, we decided to step up and pay his bills for him so that money would be the least of his troubles. So that was it for all our savings. Not only is our house not paid for, but we have a pretty big line of credit as well. I just never thought I would lose my Job-I always believed that if I worked hard that everything would always be ok.
The economy where I live is bad. Unemployment is at an all time high. No one is looking for what I do. I spent this past week in my bed, trying to escape my new reality. Ashamed and embarrassed. Knowing that although I beleive everything will ultimately be ok, I am probably going to lose my home. How will I tell my daugeter, who is very fragile right now as it is
i guess I just wanted to apologize to anyone that is offended in anyway -this is my journey and sometimes I don't think before I type. All I know is that this is the only place I can come and be totally honest about everythig.
thanks for listening

 

[gmlifer]

Holy shit that's waaaayyyy to much tylenol. I know its your body but dont ever do that again. Wow.

 

[gmlifer]

You don't need to apologize to anyone. I feel for you and your situation. Do you believe in fate? I know to some this will sound stupid but to me I have been through it to many times not to believe in fate. To many times something good or even very bad has happened to me that led me to where I needed to be for someone else or for me. Example: you decided to quit the pills which brought you here and in a short time you have inspired others. I would call that fate. To me, everything happens for a reason. It may take some time but you will be rewarded with what truly makes you happy. Don't give up.

 

[Imtryin]

Hey gm-thanks for the message-I do beleive in fate, only funny thing is, is that it is so much harder to beleive in anything when you are on the end of the situation that requires hope, or faith.... At least for me it is
the weekend has been particularly hard because my husband has been home and with me. Although he is very understanding as always, he is also quite worried about our future. It is hard for him not to be able to "fix" everything. As much as I love him, tomorrow will be better so I can be alone again. I'm turning into a hermit. A clean hermit, though. I'm aware that much APAP could kill me, but that is the amount of codiene I took for 10 years -but I used to take pure codeine for the most part, but there were times that I had to ingest an I sane amount of APAP. Anyway-even though I lost my continuous clean time, I'm going to try to stay clean from now on.....I need my mind to be clear to be able to handle whatever is coming next.
Hope your day is great

 

[gmlifer]

Fate can be an ugly bitch. I lost every single thing I had including my wife at one point. I left with my cloths and 5 grand. Drove from my wife's house to my dad's house just to find out he had been sick and unable to work. He was about to be on the streets if I hadn't shown up. So while my life just total blew up in my face it must have been fate imo. I was exactly where I needed to be at the exact time I needed to be there. Now I don't drink anymore, I've been at the same job for over 10 years and I got my wife back. I'm not saying my life is perfect, it's far from it. I'm saying that the wife and I are truly happy and that's all that I really care about.

 

[Imtryin]

Wow, that is a great story. I know that something Good usually comes from bad things, it is just so hard when it's you deali g with the bad thing. I keep wondering what Im going to do. I probably have enough money to keep my home for the next year-so it's not totally desperate. But I know how hard it's going to be after that. What I don't know, is all the good that could happen in the next year, so I need to have some faith
I wish I never would have taken those damn pills last week. I have a week clean now, but I don't even feel like counting anymore.
Anyway, I'm so glad that your story turned out so well. Wife back, life back. Seriously, if my husband left me I might kill myself.
You dont drink and you've had the same job for 10 years. You should be very proud of yourself. The odds were against you.
Have. A great day��

 

[gmlifer]

Have you told your husband about your job situation? If so, how did he take it?

 

[Imtryin]

Well that wouldd be harder to hide than using in my life!!
what would i do-drive arpund the city for a minimum of 60hours a week?
my family would now before 24 hpurs was up-work has really been a big part of my life... I really liked my job
yes, i drove home on that horrible morning, and of course he was the first persosn i told.
He was the most supoortive person i could ever have hoped for. I swear, i married a fucking saint
he haas pretty much let me do nothing but cry and sleep for a week
I am aware, his awesomeness couldd stop at any time-we all have limits, right.
So after i deal with some legal stuff, im going to find a job. Some job, any job.
Im not about to add failed marriage to my list of life altering issues i have had to deal with in a very short time
wish me luck

 

[gmlifer]

Good luck! Don't know your husband but he sounds bad ass. Sounds like you have a plan which is also bad ass. I'll say it again, you have massive amounts of will power. Hope the best for you.

 

[Readbetweentheline]

My gosh Imtrying your story of addiction is soo similar to mine. I was taking about that amount of codeine a day along with a whole lot of ibuprofen. I was addicted probably for 10 years as well. I am now celebrating my 5 years sober (from everything) on August 2nd. Trust me if you keep at it you can have a better life. The important thing to know is that YES the physical symptoms have subsided but it may take a few years for everything to stablise. When I first got sober I had to start dealing with all these feelings again because as you know being an opiate user we've numbed those feelings for years. It will happen every couple of weeks (low dip in the your mood, heightened anxiety etc) then every month and then every couple of months and so on. Really important that you ensure you have planned out what coping skills your going to use for this.

Some of my tips or things I learnt: When I was going rough moments I would use the phase 'this too shall pass' as you can guarantee it will ALWAYS pass
Mindfulness and DBT were my savior - they helped me deal with the anxiety and low mood. It also helped to know what my vulnerabilities are and (tiredness, senstive mood, physically sick) and make sure i have a strategy to replace the usual way I coped with them (drugs). Also doing the things to help prevent you from going to that vulnerable state ie; exercise, good diet, good sleep. Coming up with a wellness recovery action plan is good too here is one http://www.workingtogetherforrecovery.co.uk/Documents/Wellness Recovery Action Plan.pdf
POsitive affirmations - get yourself a sticky note pad and write a whole list of positive affirmations everywhere
I do think its important to find someone who you can talk to as well who is a professional (pyschologist, therapist counsellor)...someone who can work on your core beliefs.

I wish you the absolute best imtrying your doing amazingly well, it is SOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT TRUST ME

 

[gmlifer]

I find myself sitting here worried. Worried about someone I never met that lives far far away. Worried about you. Just a few days ago you took 8400mg of acetaminophen. Now you haven't check in here in a few days. I worry that you may be in pain and suffering. I worry that you may be sick. I worry.

You don't have to talk but at least just let us know you're ok. Just check in.

 

[Imtryin]

I find myself sitting here worried. Worried about someone I never met that lives far far away. Worried about you. Just a few days ago you took 8400mg of acetaminophen. Now you haven't check in here in a few days. I worry that you may be in pain and suffering. I worry that you may be sick. I worry.

You don't have to talk but at least just let us know you're ok. Just check in.

Omg -gm, you are such a good guy!! It's funny, because I think about how you are doing a lot, too!! You have been more important to my "recovery" that you will ever know, actually.
I did not take 8400mg of APAP. I cwe'd the tylenols. Wouldn't I die if I took that much APAP ? I know that 840 mg of codiene should of made me sick, but it didnt. I had such a high tolerance for Codiene that I could take 10 codeine. 100's and just fall asleep. But now that I have been off them for more than 2 months ( take away last Monday)-I'm pretty sure my tolerance is much lower
so how are you doing? Work ok? Wife ok? Do you have kids? I should know the answer, but I don't think I knew? I went for a one hour walk today. Got a new hairdo and had some eyelash extensions put on. I say this because it really isn't my thing. I don't wear makeup-never have.....I was blessed with good skin and no one ever taught me how to apply make up well, so I just don't wear it. So these lashes are amazing!!!! Looks like I'm wearing mascara, but I can cry all I want and nothing bad happens . And I'm pretty plain Jane with my hair, so I'm feeling a bit "made-over". But everyone says I need it-something to pick me up
a very interesting work thought......I was hired 23 years ago, when I was 22....I was a really good looking 22-but that was a lifetime ago, and although I've aged pretty well ( no wrinkles at all-I have still aged. As sad as it is, it is true that women are hired based on their looks -many times. I've never really worried about my looks over the years. I'm not a vain person and have always been more concerned with the inside rather than the outside. My husband ( superman, remember ) has never complained about my looks, although he could have, I'm no longer the 115 pound chick he married . He plays a lot of hockey and has always kept himself in top shape. Ok. Got sidetracked, sorry. So anyway, back to my new hair and eyelashes. I'm trying to look more appealing to the person that might hire me.
Well, that was a lot of rambling. Long story short-i didn't die. I'm doing ok today, but honestly I feel like using every single day. I fight it every day now. It sucks so bad, becasue before my Boston trip, I was doing pretty good.
Ok, I hope you are having a good day-tell me more stuff when you can

 

[Imtryin]

My gosh Imtrying your story of addiction is soo similar to mine. I was taking about that amount of codeine a day along with a whole lot of ibuprofen. I was addicted probably for 10 years as well. I am now celebrating my 5 years sober (from everything) on August 2nd. Trust me if you keep at it you can have a better life. The important thing to know is that YES the physical symptoms have subsided but it may take a few years for everything to stablise. When I first got sober I had to start dealing with all these feelings again because as you know being an opiate user we've numbed those feelings for years. It will happen every couple of weeks (low dip in the your mood, heightened anxiety etc) then every month and then every couple of months and so on. Really important that you ensure you have planned out what coping skills your going to use for this.

Some of my tips or things I learnt: When I was going rough moments I would use the phase 'this too shall pass' as you can guarantee it will ALWAYS pass
Mindfulness and DBT were my savior - they helped me deal with the anxiety and low mood. It also helped to know what my vulnerabilities are and (tiredness, senstive mood, physically sick) and make sure i have a strategy to replace the usual way I coped with them (drugs). Also doing the things to help prevent you from going to that vulnerable state ie; exercise, good diet, good sleep. Coming up with a wellness recovery action plan is good too here is one http://www.workingtogetherforrecovery.co.uk/Documents/Wellness Recovery Action Plan.pdf
POsitive affirmations - get yourself a sticky note pad and write a whole list of positive affirmations everywhere
I do think its important to find someone who you can talk to as well who is a professional (pyschologist, therapist counsellor)...someone who can work on your core beliefs.

I wish you the absolute best imtrying your doing amazingly well, it is SOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT TRUST ME

Hi there read!!
thank you sooo much for this post. I love your attachment. I have not read through all of it yet, but I will read all of it, and will most likely try to answer the questions. ( the whole point, right?)
congratulations on your clean time and recovery. Because it sounds like you have more than just clean time. What is DBT?
my biggest issue right now is getting through my day when I am agitated and I really want to use. I have even been thinking about using substances I never used before, becasue I am an idiot.
Thank you again for posting on this thread -I hope your day is a good one.
Peace

 

[Imtryin]

Hi there.
Hope everyone had a good day today. I saw the lawyer today and it looks like everything is goi g to be signed and done by Monday. My employment will be officially over and I will need to create a resume for the first Time in almost a quarter century. Right now my outlook is a bit gloomy-I do not have high hopes for myself. Even though I was so confident in what I did for so long, I don't have that same confidence in myself today. Maybe tomorrow will be different. But the struggle is real right now.
Anyway, I'm not using pills, or anything else for that matter. I'm very agitated, frustrated and sad again today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks for listening.

 

[MilzyWilzy]

I just wanted to say a massive well done to you for kicking the opiates back side. What a powerful and brave woman you really are!

You should be extremely proud of yourself with what you have achieved here, you're fighing a very real and very physically and mentally challenging withdrawl.

I did see in one of your previous posts that you used the word faith. You're nothing unless you have faith, that determination to succeed, the strength to control your own destiny.

Everything will all fall into place for you, you've just hit a bit of a brick wall in your life at the moment but it isn't forever. Knock that wall down and strive to have the happy life that you so deserve. Happiness is not ready made, it comes from your own actions.

I have have personally fought an opiate addiction and won, I'm so proud of you.

I've been going through hell just lately in my life, I hit rock bottom big time, all you need is that glimmer of inner strength and you can do this! I always give myself little things to look forward to each day, I tell myself how lucky I am to be living and have breath in my body.

You will get through this and come out the other side a much stronger person.

Have faith sweetheart and a big well done again on being clean for two months! Woohoo!