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Recovery My journey starts today (hydromorphone)

I hear ya about the drained feelings. I've been dragging ass too.

So it sounds like you did indeed go through your old dealer for the ativan, am I right? If so, how did it all go, buying from the guy who used to hook you up with your DOC? That sounds hard indeed...the couple times I've bought drugs other than heroin since quitting smack, I've gone through my same ol girl and it's always a weird moment.

With respect to SSRIs, a couple tidbits I've picked up over my years on them and reading about them. First, you mentioned taking them for anxiety. It's true that some SSRI's do have anxiolytic properties. But it's also true that some patients have an inverse response and find them a bit 'speedy' (how's that for a scientific word?). As always, talking to your doc on this would be a good idea. But if you do go back on one, there are those annoying side effects. But one saving grace on those is that they tend to be fairly short-lived. Typically the sexual side effects set in when you increase in dosage, then last for a 'while' (which is highly dependent on med, dose, and patient). To me the sweats have been pretty divorced from dosage. But I have periods of sweating that come around for a couple weeks and then leave. All this is just to say that in my experience, SSRI side effects suck. But if you can endure them for a couple weeks here and there, and if they are properly indicated, they can really do a lot.

2.5 months... hells fuckin yeah!
 
Sixx: Good to hear from you... sorry about the anxiety! I think you are smart for extending your benzo taper... slow and easy should help you feel better!
Congrats on having 2.5 months clean!!
 
Sim, it wasn't so bad meeting my hook up, who's also a chick. Funny how it's always tiny little girls running around hustling hard. Less conspicuous I suppose lol.

I didn't even consider picking up hydros. When I quit, I asked her not to respond if I ask for hydros. I messaged her a couple weeks ago and she wouldn't respond. So this time I sent a message explaining that it was not about prior meet ups and she responded right away. So that made me feel good knowing she respects my decision.

Man I was on 10mg celexa for a year and a half or so. I was fine at first, but after several months I started getting the shitty side effects. My doctor wouldn't even listen to anything I had to say. He flat out said that all SSRI will kill my libido and cause the same issues. I was kinda pissed but I said fuck it.. And quit. I've heard that things like wellbutron have less side effects, but due to the increased seizure activity I can't take it.

So here's I am...... Rock-----me------hard place.

Hey poke!
 
Sixxam said:
Sim, it wasn't so bad meeting my hook up, who's also a chick. Funny how it's always tiny little girls running around hustling hard. Less conspicuous I suppose lol.

I didn't even consider picking up hydros. When I quit, I asked her not to respond if I ask for hydros. I messaged her a couple weeks ago and she wouldn't respond. So this time I sent a message explaining that it was not about prior meet ups and she responded right away. So that made me feel good knowing she respects my decision.

Man I was on 10mg celexa for a year and a half or so. I was fine at first, but after several months I started getting the shitty side effects. My doctor wouldn't even listen to anything I had to say. He flat out said that all SSRI will kill my libido and cause the same issues. I was kinda pissed but I said fuck it.. And quit. I've heard that things like wellbutron have less side effects, but due to the increased seizure activity I can't take it.

So here's I am...... Rock-----me------hard place.

Hey poke!
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Couple things... you're right--wellbutrin does have a very different side effect profile from other SSRIs. As such, some people who can't tolerate SSRIs do fine on wellbutrin and vice versa. FWIW, my own experience with bupropion (wellbutrin generic) is weird. I was on it for about a year recently, on top of zoloft, and it was fine. But about 10 years ago a doc put me on it and I couldn't tell the difference between the bupropion and amphetamine. For the ~month I was on it, I lost weight, didn't sleep much and got shit-tons of work done. I liked it quite a lot but had to give it up :D. Weird how coming back to it years later was totally different.

Glad things went well with your girl. Mine is also weirdly nice. Last time I bought coke from her (which I really don't want to be doing, but that's a different story), she got really serious and said, "man, you're doing so well getting off smack, please don't become a coke-head." Of course she gladly sold me the bag, but after all, she is a drug dealer, and every bag she sells in one less stranger's dick she has to encounter that day. That sounds callous, but that's how she put it.

Trying the wellbutrin is unlikely to hurt anything. It's definitely worth a shot. But then, here we are in that annoying land of throwing darts at a board to see what meds we should throw into the mix. I find that SO irritating/exhausting. In what domain besides psych do doctors so casually toss meds on and off board, shrugging their shoulders and saying, "well, some people think this helps...let's try it."

Now I'm rambling (sorry), but I have been reading about genetic tests my clinic offers for psych patients. *Supposedly* the results of the test can narrow things down a bit in terms of which meds are likely to lead to perceivable results. But I'm still pretty skeptical. As always, I'd be very curious to hear if anyone has had experience with this.

Meanwhile, I hope you find your way out of the rock/hard place vice ASAP.

Keep killing it, man.
Sim
 
Sixxam said:
I didn't even consider picking up hydros. When I quit, I asked her not to respond if I ask for hydros. I messaged her a couple weeks ago and she wouldn't respond. So this time I sent a message explaining that it was not about prior meet ups and she responded right away. So that made me feel good knowing she respects my decision.
Click to expand...

That is pretty cool. Friends like those can be hard to find sometimes. Have you ever tried any other forms of, I don't know, like non-pharmacological therapies for your issues? Like acupuncture? I found acupuncture very helpful when I was getting off buprenorphine and in terms of dealing with my mental health issues more generally (anxiety mostly).
 
Sim, I'm good brother. Tired though... Been a very busy couple weeks as I have a lot of work to get caught up on and no energy to do it. But I can't not do it. So yeah, I'm beat.

How you holding up man?

Tpd! I have not had acupuncture in recent years. I did many years ago while healing from a brain injury, but didn't find any relief. Maybe because I was prescribed oxy contin at the time? All the relief a brother could need... Right.. lol.

I'm taking very little of the lorazepam. I find if I take an extra 1/4 mg through out the day I'm generally a little calmer and able to confederate a bit more.

Still skiing down this rocky mountain though. Some days I'm OK. Other days I just pray for someone to cross me so I can smack em out. I find it hard to control my temper these days.

Sixx
 
Sounds like spending a few minutes tending to your needs in terms of the Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired thing might be in order when you are feeling your rage (it might sound childish, but seriously: snack time/nap time and other forms of contrary action really help nip the rage in the bud).

Still anger is a tough one. I definitely struggle to control mine sometimes.
 
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Sixxam said:
Sim, I'm good brother. Tired though... Been a very busy couple weeks as I have a lot of work to get caught up on and no energy to do it. But I can't not do it. So yeah, I'm beat.

How you holding up man?
Click to expand...

Great to hear that you're doing well. I figured as much, but wanted to say hi anyway (and as always, especially in case not :\).

I'm doing OK. But if you're interested in a bit of crazy, check out my journal post from yesterday. Nothing bad happened to my recovery. But I got pulled into some drama with bad people.
 
Well it's been a year and a half since this last ride began. I have continued to brief the forums occasionally.

I have played the tough guy roll and have kicked dope at very high levels more times then I can count. One thing I have learned after every kick is that, the state of mind I'm left in after a detox is hell. This last kick at 90-120mg dilaudid was brutal. But I kept fighting and kept using kratom and benzos. Which inevitably left me hopelessly hooked on both. I need benzos just to function and kratom as well. I was surprised how brutal kratom withdrawal is. Every four hours I was getting sick.

So a few months ago...off the wagon I slid. I'm not gonna get into details but once you fuck with fentanyl all pales in comparison. I immediately realized that I don't WANT to get high...I don't even like it anymore. I'm just trying to drown out this brutal depression. So I began researching my options. Last Tuesday I sat my wife down and told her about my relapse and that is time I consider MMT. Because I ain't winning any battles fighting them in my own.

And the streets are flooded with nothing but fentanyl.. this shit can and will kill you so fast.. If you've done it you know what I mean.

So I began MMT on Tuesday. 20mg. It's been a tough week but I'm now at 30mg and I'm ok for the first 12 hours.. The last 12 are rough. I'm hoping I can stabalize on a low dose. 40-60mg. Then I will sit here and just sort out my life, get off of these benzos and return to the person I know I am. Give my wife her husband back, give my babies there daddy back and be a fucking man.

I'm not even thinking about tapering off at this point.. Just stabalizing my life and work.

I guess I'm simply saying... I'm still alive, and still fighting.. I miss all my friends from here.. please check in and let's chat ?
 
Hey Sixx!!

Only have a minute to post. Great to see you.

I began subs at the end of April. It's a process. I keep fucking around w dope a bit. But I've at least began the process. I am doing my best.

Will post more soon. Hang in there. xoxo.
 
Hey 10, so good to see you.. I've thought of you a lot. I'm so glad you're still here. That means you're still trying. That's awesome!

Well today I will go up to 40mg MMT, I'm hoping this will be a working dose for me. So far I'm still waking up by 2am feeling pretty awful. They started me off at 20mg because I have abenzo dependency. So it's been a rough week.

My gut and brain tell me to stay at as low a dose as possible. But from statistic research I see most people do better at 60-80mg. That's where the cravings start to dissipate. I'm just taking this shit add it comes.. anything is better then fentanyl and dope...
 
No judgement here... Six... it takes what it takes. If your life goes in the direction you find positive, and if your depression is alleviated... than it is a wise decision.
My only saving grace was the fact that I was constrained to low dosages (relatively speaking) due to being afraid to seek my opioids anyplace other than a doctor's office.
Otherwise, I would probably have looked at sub or methadone maintenance myself.
Sending you love and light!
 
Hey, Six. Sorry I've been off the radar.

Obviously the decision about dose for your MMT is between you and your prescriber. But I'll risk offering a little advice nevertheless... I totally understand wanting to keep your methadone dose low. But if 40mg isn't touching the cravings, please consider going up. In the scheme of things, 80mg/day isn't high. And even if it were, you're you--you need the dose that's going to help you.

Hang in there, brother. And feel free to PM me...things got chaotic with my move, but I'm settled in now so should be able to reply quickly. <3
 
Hey guys! Thank you for the replies. I have missed talking with you guys.

Pokemama, good for you, for not straying outside the doctor's office. Once you realized how easy it is to score in the streets..... I moved to a new town, and I can pick it opiote addicts from a mile away. I saw a dude walking his dog and said hey man, if I was looking to party who would I talk to around here..? That was it. I had ten hook ups in under a minute. The dope game...a way of life I guess.

Simcoe, hey buddy., shit me a pm, let's chat. I miss ya! As it stands right now I'm still waking up feeling rotten, I think when I get to a dose that holds me all around the clock I'll stay there and see how I feel. I'm really not opposed to going to a higher dose, just afraid I guess. But I will say, I feel better already then I have in years. I WANT to get out in the sun..I want to listen to upbeat music. It's a good feeling.

I miss you guys! I'm glad to see y'all. Hey is VE still here?
 
It took me time when I was on methadone to get stable. Then I needed to split dose (take part of dose in am and take rest home for evening.

I would be stable until 4pm everyday and then was sick until I dosed the next morning. I'm an abberant (sp?) metabolizer. That is found out through a blood test. My methadone level was so low they questioned if I was actually swallowing it. I got watched like a hawk for awhile. Just putting that info out there for you to know if you experience it.

I'm so glad you want to feel the sun on your face again. Big hug to you Sixx. ,<3
 
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