• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

My grandmother and I don't get along.

LogicSoDeveloped

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 12, 2010
Messages
3,428
Location
The Mountains
As a warning now, this will be fairly lengthy.

I am 19 years old now. She is 81 years old and from Japan.

My parents passed when I was young. My grandmother took me in at 8 years old. She ended up trying to make me feel insecure throughout my childhood if I didn't do what she said. She also used fear and manipulation to try to get me what she wanted me to do. This continued until I turned 18.

At 15 years old, she got me on juvenile probation for arguing with her. I didn't hit her, didn't curse at her, or anything like that, I simply argued with her. I stayed on until I was 18 where I would constantly be told I was going to juvie, constantly threatened and forced into submission. Mind you, I never did any drugs until I was 16. I could only go out one night a week and had to be in by 10PM and was told that if I didn't make it on time, the police would be called. She constantly would call me threatening me with the police and stuff like that.

I know it sounds weird but this is all because she was afraid I wouldn't do well in life.

Another effort to control me on her part was not letting me learn to drive or get a permit until I was 2 months from 18 years of age.

She babied me a lot though, when I was younger, she never wanted me making my own decisions and would try to do everything for me.

As soon as I turned 18, I enjoyed freedom sooo much. I got my drivers license, got off probation and turned 18 all at the same time. I'd never been able to drive before, never been able to have a lot of freedom and was always under constant stress from the P.O. Basically, I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I didn't graduate high school on time but finished in summer school to get my high school diploma. I was arrested the same day I finished summer school.

A few months before I turned 19, I was arrested and charged with intent to resell Marijuana. She kicked me out and I moved 2 hours away with a friend of the family took me in. He's a great guy and I really appreciate him but I miss the city. That's another issue entirely, however.

Even now, because I won't go to the college she thinks I should go to, she tells me to leave. (I am visiting for summer break for a couple weeks.)She never graduated even high school, however and I don't think its fair that she constantly criticizes me about everything including not doing better. She never has anything nice to say to me, its just always critical.

I feel bad because she raised me and did her best but I simply don't think her best was very good for me. I am overcoming feeling that I'm never good enough. Exercise and getting out more is helping.

So yeah, she is sick all the time and quite old and I feel like I owe her something for her raising me and yet, we argue within 5 minutes of coming into contact with one another. She is constantly on the phone so when I want to spend time with her, its like she's busy so by the time she is free, I am out doing something out of boredom, such as visiting old friends.

She is pretty narcissistic as well so I think it offends her that I'm not trying to be up her ass.

Me being 19, I enjoy spending time with old friends, going to concerts, clubbing, and spending time with girls. She expects me to come home (her house, where I lived for most of my life) every night at a decent time even though when I come back to visit, I'd like to make the most of my time and for me, that doesn't include staying home every night, which I do normally during the school year, for the most part.

For me, being out and about really helps with my depression and anxiety. I love being out on the road and meeting new people. I'll admit, this last year, I've spent a bit too much time enjoying myself but it was my freshman year of college after all.

Basically guys, I'm wondering, is it possible for me to get along with her? Or should I keep a respectful distance?

I don't like upsetting her but its like we clash so much, it is impossible to agree on anything or ever get along.

Feel free to ask for any details I left out. I felt like I covered the basics but if there is something you need to know to advise me, please do so.

The last thread I made in SLR turned out to do WONDERS for me and my abilities with the opposite sex. I'm having no trouble talking to girls, dating, and hooking up on occasion hehehe ;) whereas before the thread, I was pretty much without female contact for about a year, too stuck in my head to do anything.
 
So are you living with your friend now? Are you working?

If you're not living with her, perhaps you could set up specific days/times to meet up with her, arrange it between the two of you, so you can spend time together like that.
 
So yeah, she is sick all the time and quite old and I feel like I owe her something for her raising me and yet, we argue within 5 minutes of coming into contact with one another. She is constantly on the phone so when I want to spend time with her, its like she's busy so by the time she is free, I am out doing something out of boredom, such as visiting old friends.

She is pretty narcissistic as well so I think it offends her that I'm not trying to be up her ass.

.

you feel like you owe her something? I hope one day you will come to your senses, and I hope that day isn't too late.
 
So are you living with your friend now? Are you working?

If you're not living with her, perhaps you could set up specific days/times to meet up with her, arrange it between the two of you, so you can spend time together like that.

I live with a guy that dated my mother before she passed away when I was little. He is 60. I am not working though I'll either be getting a job soon or signing up for summer classes.

I feel like I should feel like I owe her something; I feel like her raising me warrants some sort of appreciation 'cept I can't show her any because she doesn't allow me to do anything but listen to her complaining. She constantly puts down all of her friends, talking about one is overweight or one is in a lot of debt, etc.

Come to my senses? Elaborate. I am not offended by any means, just curious. I honestly want to get to the bottom of this so nobody hold back anything they think could help me.
 
At 19 you aren't gonna see the potential that having fun can have to ruin the rest of your life. You're letting your pride get the better of you which is why the two of you clash. Even if your granny's dumb as a goat, she's still been alive four times longer than you and knows more about the world and our place in it than you and the rest of your friends do. It sounds like she's in the twilight of her years. You have the choice to either continue trying to marginalize your relationship with her or show her some love n respect (and that you have a strong sense of responsibility). Doing the latter might mean you have less fun with your friends now, but friends come n go and once you find your true place in life you'll find yourself having whole new kinds of fun that supercede the simple nature of the fun you're having now. Doing the former, on the other hand, means you run the risk of having her departure from this life leave a scar on your soul that will stay with you even after the days of your youth end.
 
At 19 you aren't gonna see the potential that having fun can have to ruin the rest of your life. You're letting your pride get the better of you which is why the two of you clash.

^very condescending post. is that to say that her grandmother's pride isn't getting the best of her? i hate the hierarchy of age...

if you dont like your grandmother because she gave you no freedom as a child, fuck her, unless you want to learn her ways and make your child miserable.

alternatively if you do feel that guilty about not hearing grief from your grandmother then go listen to her talk about how much she hates everyone and be miserable to alleviate your guilt.

finally im sure your grandmother was trying to the "right" thing by raising you to be successful academically and have lots of monies(even though I personally would never try to instill that in anyone). but i think she did it all wrong and just made you miserable in the process, idk if thats deserving of anything, thats for you to decide.
 
Problem here is that I don't do any addictive drugs besides alcohol and mxe here and there. I never take opiates or benzos, I think the last time I took a benzo was maybe 6 months ago...so maybe not never, but almost never is the truth. I don't drive drunk, I don't go to house parties, I do enjoy concerts and music festivals but I do my best to party responsibly. So yes, while I party, I don't think you know me enough to pass judgement in that way, Thujone. I'm home for 2 weeks and didn't even bring any drugs with me.

I have made mistakes but I'm getting more responsible. I'm aware that I am still young and don't know everything but shit, I don't know anyone else who has parents so strict 'cept those who have already freaked their parents out. I've never the opportunity to mess my grandmother's idea of me up until I got arrested but even then, she was bad before then just because I enjoy going out with friends and having a good time.

All she cares about is me making a lot of money. I'm not saying its good to be financially stable, it totally is but trying to force me to live my life the way she wants is just pushing me away.

Because I have long hair and a beard, she screamed at me to leave, called me and asked why I didn't pack my stuff and woke me up this morning to tell me I need to be gone before she gets back. She's having company that I'm not good enough for apparently, just because I have long hair.

Shit like that makes me think she doesn't love me. I know I don't look like a prep, but why does it matter how I look if I'm a 19 year old college student? I don't want to be around anyone that is going to judge me at my age for that. So many friends parents just think it doesn't matter. If I'm in town for a couple weeks or a weekend here or there, why wouldn't she just get over it and try to spend time with me?

If I were on the hunt for a job, I'd cut it. That means now or in the future. I don't plan on having hair of this length for the rest of my life. There is a 99% chance that the career I enter (whatever it may be) where hair of this length and a beard just won't cut it.

I'm glad this doesn't bother me as much as it use to in years past. I mean, it still does but I use to sit around hating myself and wallowing in self pity.

And for me, I don't see it as a pride thing, I see it as a respect thing. I don't think she respects me at all if I basically have to do everything she says or get the fuck out. For me, it would be different if I was coming home fucked up every night, bringing girls home and having loud sex, etc. but I'm not. Getting mad because I don't go to the college of her choice doesn't make sense. Is one state school really THAT much better than another? I don't think so, most people say they are fairly similar and I just don't want to make the 200 mile move for the other one. Am I a bad guy for not wanting to move away again? I've felt like an alien my entire life because she has forced a few unnecessary moves on me for some dude she was gold digging on and she's definitely not broke with her several pairs of 600$ glasses that she paid for herself but that's besides the point.

I'm about to pack my stuff and couchsurf for a week/week and a half.
 
Last edited:
^very condescending post. is that to say that her grandmother's pride isn't getting the best of her? i hate the hierarchy of age...

if you dont like your grandmother because she gave you no freedom as a child, fuck her, unless you want to learn her ways and make your child miserable.

of course grandma's pride is making the situation worse, but who is the one in the parent role in this relationship? if neither is willing to swallow their pride and move past it, then isn't it quite possible that LSD's 'learning her ways' already?

LSD: I'm not passing judgment on you when I say your pride is the issue, I'm saying that because I've been in a similar situation and have spent time being the mediator in relationship disputes. Pride is always a factor in them. Eventually, someone has to be the bigger person or everyone loses, because there is no winning scenario in the parent-child war.

Don't take this as me being condescending but I went through the same thoughts when I was 19 and years later I'm saddened that I lost forever good relationships with good people because I was unwilling to just open my mind to what goes on in theirs.

I don't know you or your grandma personally, but you did say:
I know it sounds weird but this is all because she was afraid I wouldn't do well in life.

...which implies pretty strongly that you think she cares enough about you to be more concerned about you succeeding than about how you feel about her strong parenting. I just don't want you to regret cutting ties with her later in life because you're angry now for not being given the freedom you desire.

you might lose friends by prioritizing your grandma's demands now, but friends will come and go regardless. family is forever.
 
i say fuck that old bitch, she did her best, and her best was disgraceful and abusive, you are clearly a really nice caring person who is in the top 10% of humanity but i doubt it had anything to do with her.
 
My father was the exact same way. He was very controlling.. always trying to get me to do this or that, to meet his standards. I inherited his personality, and I'm very controlling myself. I wanted control over my own life, I wanted my privacy, so I cut him out of the equation. I'm a couple years older than you, but I'm doing well without him. I don't even talk to him anymore.. and I suppose it's for the better. I don't even feel bad about leaving him, because he never viewed me as a human being with feelings. He saw me as a liability, as an extension of himself, and he just wanted me to fulfill his ego, not to make him look bad. I was just a way for him to fit in.
It sounds like your grandmother has a sociopathic or a narcissistic personality, much like my father and I. You really can't deal with these type of people.. the best way to deal with them is to just walk away and never look back. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience, and not just 3rd person.. but also from how I think and feel, because I'm the exact same as my father.
 
So do you stay with her for weeks or days at a time? Maybe, instead of just living at her place for a bit, you could just meet up for a couple hours.

You probably should be working, to support yourself and everything, so if you get a job, you'd be able to prove to her that you can do that kind of thing yourself.

She obviously cares about you, but she just doesn't show it in a good way. Distance yourself from her, but don't completely eliminate her from your life.
 
I rarely see her. Even when I come to town, I only sometimes see her. I quit telling her when I came to town for a while and just crashed with friends. Now, on average, I see her every couple months. She'll start screaming at me then yell at me for screaming at her...she makes no goddamn sense ever.

I appreciate your advice guys. As far as "family is forever," don't even get me started on my family. I'll say that when my mom died, they all went straight to the house I lived in with her and started loading up U-HAUL's with her stuff and lied to my grandmother about stealing just about everything of value in that house. Besides that, they all try to bully me and they're all after her money. It's pretty damn obvious. They're all really obnoxious and rude. She doesn't like any of them either, the only difference between her and them is that she isn't pure evil. She does seem to have some sort of moral compass but I think it only exists because she loved my mother so much.

She has told me on several occasions that if I wasn't my mothers son, she wouldn't have taken me in when my mother killed herself.

My grandmother is the only member of my family that I even bother talking to anymore and even then, its going to happen less and less often.


As far as trying to help her, she doesn't want my help. I've tried to reach out to her as far as that goes but she doesn't want me to be aware of what she sees as a weakness which is sort of ridiculous because she always talks about how she is dying because she is always sick. The thing is, she isn't really as sick as she always makes herself out to be. She has talked about how ill she feels and yet she still has the energy to flip the fuck out on me over nothing. I asked to go with her to the cancer specialist and all she had to say was, "If I'm going to cry, I'll cry alone."

I'm not sure if you're familiar with urban tribes but I have some of the best friends in the world. I mean, the things they've done for me I am not sure I can ever repay. My friends are my family. I will say that she is the same way. She doesn't like any of my family except one of my female cousins because she is the only one of my family members that she sees as physically attractive. I am not kidding. When those cousins were growing up, my grandmother treated her better than the other two because she saw her as being beautiful.

Shit, when she found out I was suicidal when I was younger, I would tell her I was gonna kill myself and she would tell me to just do it. I would've been the 3rd family member that she would've lost to suicide.

When the guidance counselor told her I was cutting, she just said, "okay?"

As far as a pride issue, I would have to lie about every little thing to appease her and even then, she'd figure it out when I will end up doing what I want anyways.

I think a lot about those birthdays as a child that she missed because she was off gold digging on trips to europe with the dude she was with. She tries to say she broke it off with him because of me but it was really because she kept thinking he was cheating on her even though he wasn't. I fucking hated the dude but I'm not going to lie to myself just to pretend like she is selfless.

I did find a super cheap place to live that's not in a bad area or anything. I plan on trying to get a job and doing school at the same time as opposed to just school.

I really appreciate the advice guys, keep it coming! :)

As fucked up as my life has been, I am doing a lot better lately than I ever have.
 
It sounds like she's been emotionally abusive, but also very sensible about your suicidal tendencies/cutting - that's attention seeking behaviour, and whilst I've done a lot of that myself, I wish someone had just told me to grow up instead of pandering to my ego trips. She sounds like she didn't, which is good, but could've used some more compassion - but hey, maybe she had it really rough as well.

She's obviously not going to change anytime soon, so why don't you be the bigger man when things get dramatic and just tell her you're not getting dragged into her drama, and turn your back on her and start doing something conc=structive...she will get annoyed at first, because you're not fuelling the fire and try again most likely, but if you persist, then it will defuse her, and she will go and busy herself with sumat.

Just make sure you help her out when she needs it, and that's it - unhealthy dynamic still going on obviously, and YOU can be the one to make the change (you're younger and not quite so stuck in your ways).

You're right - you do have an obligation - she raised you, but just don't be there for any longer than you have to when you see her, and things should start getting better.
 
Top