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My girlfriend slept (as in sleeping) in bed with another guy

You are lucky that she felt comfortable enough to be honest with you about this - getting all pissed off and jealous will just make her wish she didn't tell you and think twice about telling you anything like that in the future. You have a right to feel uncomfortable about this, feelings are feelings, and to express that discomfort in a kind and compassionate way while being open to communication about it, but your girlfriend does not have an obligation to change her lifestyle solely to appease your discomfort. Jealousy and distrust only backfire on you and drive people away from you.

Personally I wouldn't care at all if my partner slept in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex. It's happened in fact. The only thing I would be concerned about here is that she mentioned that she blacked out from drinking too much. For 2 reasons. I think I couldn't help but wonder if it was possible something more happened and she was afraid to tell you BUT I would keep that thought to yourself and try to make her feel comfortable being honest with you (by NOT making assumptions, judgements or getting angry). My other concern would be for her safety if this was truly as you claim a "stranger" and she was so drunk that she was missing part of her memory. But honestly, when I was younger I did this kind of thing and nothing bad ever happened - you pretty much have to trust that your girlfriend is smart enough to make her own judgements about whether someone is safe to bring into her room. Perhaps you could have a conversation with her about it and why she felt it was reasonably safe and just gently express your concern without being like "ZOMG he could've raped you! How could you do this?" etc. Don't treat her like she is an idiot who can't make her own decisions.

As for your reasons for being angry:
1) they slept in the same bed - so what? why does that bother you?
2) they were drunk (at least she was...) - do you not trust her when she is drunk? if so, why not?
3) that guy's brother was hitting on her before - what does that have to do with anything?
4) she didn't know him before that night - well did she get to know him reasonably well over the course of the night? did her friends know him?
5) he's italitan - actually that is offensive and judgmental

One thing that occurs to me is that most of your issues seem to stem from fear that the guy might have wanted to have sex with her. Who cares if he did as long as he didn't try to force himself on her? Do you think women are all just easily seduced and can't be around men who are attracted to them? Or is it just the thought of him being attracted to your girlfriend that bothers you?

I think you need to think about why this bothers you so much and why you feel that reacting with anger is going to help the situation at all or prevent her from doing something you don't like in the future. We do not own our partners.
 
Uh... I'm not sure that anything happened, and I might even give her the benefit of the doubt, but it doesn't change the fact that she let another man sleep in her bed with her; and, in my opinion, that's just not right and it's not respectful (as Lysis said).

I mean, this is your girlfriend's bed, this is an intimate space, and she's let another man into that intimate space. So yeah, if my girlfriend did something like that... I'd be upset.
 
She was blackout drunk, this guy was a stranger, she slept in the same bed as him. Whether anything happened or not, she put herself (and you) in a position she shouldn't have. This is a random guy - not a friend of hers. Stupid move IMO.

Why the name calling and judgement of the OP? Just because some of us are comfortable with things like this, doesn't mean that everyone has to be. The boundaries that people set, and what they consider acceptable within their relationship is up to them. If OP does not feel that his girlfriend bringing home a random man to sleep in her bed while she's blackout drunk is okay, then fine! I know that my boyfriend would definitely be upset by this, and he really is the opposite of insecure. He would never assume that I cheated on him, but it would still make him feel very uncomfortable that I placed myself into such a vulnerable position. I have occasionally shared beds with my close male friends, and he has never had an issue with this at all. A random guy that I met and bought home drunk? Totally different scenario.

This is something that has upset you OP - speak to your girlfriend and make sure you're on the same page. Communication truly is essential - it's not just some cliche. Does she feel that what happened is no big deal? If so, would she feel okay with you doing the same thing? Can you accept this and feel comfortable with it, or will it eat you up every time it happens? Or, does she consider it all a drunken mistake that she does not intend to repeat? I think you need to find out the answer to these questions, so at least you know what's what.
 
Swimming Dancer:
You're a great writer that knowshow to get your point across, but you don't find this a little suspect? Sure, it's possible nothing happened. But, isn't it understood that when you're in a relationship with someone, that you don't share a bed with a member of the opposite sex?! Especially alone and blackout drunk!!
There's open minded and then there's just naive! It seems like there's a lot of women on this thread trying to justify this bullshit! Latent guilt perhaps?!
"Oh, me banging random guys was just part of the natural process of discovering who I was and exploring my sexuality!"
OKi doki!....
If you cheat on someone you are in an "exclusive relationship" with and LIE TO THEM about it, IMO......ahhh...
You might be a slut!! Sorry!
If I was half drunk, in bed with a hot girl, youbet your ass I'd be fucking her! Nothing against my girlfriend of five years, that's just what happens!! She'd forgive me, probably, she's a realist!
I know I couldn't control myself and I avoid those situations!
 
Hey! I've been there. I fell asleep black out drunk in some random dudes bed. The next morning I woke up with no pants/panties on. I swear though, nothing happened!!! For real, sharing a bed with a male (and vice versa) is unwarranted. A gentleman will accept the floor in these desperate situations. Especially if he respected that the girl was in a relationship. MIND YOU, I do see possible, few exceptions to this rule. Perhaps they really were platonic friends.. For a considerable amount of time!! Maybe if she knew him since childhood, was familiar with his character this would be okay. The fact that this girl allowed a random male into her bed is enough reason to doubt her naive choices. I believe you're allowed to be insecure over this, my girl friend placing herself in dangerous and questionable situations would drive me berserk!! You should be firm and tell her to think harder next time.
 
The bottom-line is that this is "your deal" and it's between you and your gf. All the advice/comments aren't going to really answer your doubts or get to the bottom of things. But since you came to this site, you're obviously looking for some input so here's my two cents. When I first read that she told you about the incident I was like, yea she didn't have to do that. So, I'm inclined to believe what she said but then, the whole black out thing (and how exactly would she know how long she was out?) and now I'm thinking, wow that puts a different spin on it. Not only would it worry me she got that drunk and "then" made the decision it was OK for a dude to be in her bed but now we have her admitting there was some "lost time" there. If I was a suspicious man, I'd say that comment opens the door for the big "out" (basically I didn't know what I was doing bit) and an attempt to remove herself from responsibility if something happened.

It's your call and only your call, but this is some seriously reckless behavior and could lead to some real nasty outcomes if she's not more careful. I really would worry about her judgment and her safety if she's going to continue like this. You’re in a tough spot but I always say, go with your gut. Good Luck!
 
BlueHues said:
Swimming Dancer:
You're a great writer that knowshow to get your point across, but you don't find this a little suspect? Sure, it's possible nothing happened. But, isn't it understood that when you're in a relationship with someone, that you don't share a bed with a member of the opposite sex?! Especially alone and blackout drunk!!
There's open minded and then there's just naive! It seems like there's a lot of women on this thread trying to justify this bullshit! Latent guilt perhaps?!
"Oh, me banging random guys was just part of the natural process of discovering who I was and exploring my sexuality!"
OKi doki!....
If you cheat on someone you are in an "exclusive relationship" with and LIE TO THEM about it, IMO......ahhh...
You might be a slut!! Sorry!
If I was half drunk, in bed with a hot girl, youbet your ass I'd be fucking her! Nothing against my girlfriend of five years, that's just what happens!! She'd forgive me, probably, she's a realist!
I know I couldn't control myself and I avoid those situations!
Click to expand...

But as far as we know she hasn't had sex with anyone else. It's VERY possible nothing else happened. And him getting crazy and jealous and angry is certainly not going to stop her from having sex with other men if she wanted to. And no I don't think there is an automatic agreement not to sleep in the same bed with anyone else when you are in a relationship. We don't even know the OP and his GF's situation, maybe he should use this opportunity to have an open, honest and kind discussion about each of their expectations from the other and whether they can both commit to them.

No one is justifying banging random guys and lying about it when you are in a relationship that you have agreed will be monogamous. You are being very presumptuous.

And just because you can't control yourself if you slept in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex doesn't mean no one can.

Anyway, I'm not saying the OP can't have feelings about his girlfriend sleeping in the same bed with someone else or wish that she had asked him how he felt about it first, I'm just saying his reaction is not going to help his situation (and some of his "reasons" behind it are unfair). I think it's cool that she told him about this and if he just gets all pissed off she's going to regret telling him. Maybe they aren't right for each other if she thinks this is ok and he thinks it's so upsetting, or maybe they each have a different understanding of what it means to be in a relationship. Things they should talk about without accusations, assumptions and anger IMO.

Anyway, we really don't know the full situation and I feel like the OP needs to talk to his girlfriend about this, I'm just giving some advice on how to go about to doing that in a way that is fair and productive.
 
Thanks for all the posts boys and girls. I had a long phonecall with her yesterday and im now sure she didn't cheat on me. It's not like i'm feeling any guilt (like the guilt of cheating on me) on her part. I'm going with my gut and my gut tells me that she didn't cheat on me. She's never done anything like this before, guys are hitting on her like 20 times a night when we're going out out and she's always brushed them off actually. I'm her first boyfriend, we took eachother's virginity and i'm sure she wouldn't just throw that away. I don't know what got into me, I guess I overreacted. She made a mistake but we talked it trough.
 
It's incredibly irresponsible to sleep in the same bed as a drunk male stranger. He's very likely to attempt to rape you especially if you're intoxicated too.

Tell her that her behavior was absolutely abhorrent. People who already have heterosexual significant others shouldn't be getting drunk and sleeping in the same bed as members of the opposite sex who probably want to bone them.
 
Mel22 said:
Lol, that's a bit of a stretch don't you think?
Click to expand...

Not really, most rape is of the 'date rape' category, due to alcohol intoxication. Any guy who sleeps in the same bed, drunk, with a girl he just met and finds attractive is going to spend the entire night with a raging hard-on and intense cravings to pin her down and ravage her. Most will not give in to their cravings, but I assure you it's a risky situation to put oneself in if you don't know how much self-control the guy has when he's drunk. A lot of men will make assumptions about what letting them sleep in bed with you means.
 
Wow there's a lot of projection going on in this thread. Not everyone is the same.

laurenslv said:
Thanks for all the posts boys and girls. I had a long phonecall with her yesterday and im now sure she didn't cheat on me. It's not like i'm feeling any guilt (like the guilt of cheating on me) on her part. I'm going with my gut and my gut tells me that she didn't cheat on me. She's never done anything like this before, guys are hitting on her like 20 times a night when we're going out out and she's always brushed them off actually. I'm her first boyfriend, we took eachother's virginity and i'm sure she wouldn't just throw that away. I don't know what got into me, I guess I overreacted. She made a mistake but we talked it trough.
Click to expand...

Great to hear :) I'm really glad you two were able to talk about it.
 
Mel22 said:
I tend to agree with most of what you've said.

However, what you are now saying:



is a lot different to what was initially said:
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When it comes to the risk of rape, I don't think very likely requires anything like a 50%+ chance. Even a very slight chance can be relatively 'very likely' compared to most other situations you'll be in, ever.

Take alcohol out of the equation and it's best to just trust a man to be decent. But never turn your back on a drug.
 
I'd find some hot chick to bring with you next time you meet her in person and be like, "Yeah this is my friend Francine, she's my study partner that occasionally gets drunk in my bedroom and crashes in my bed, no biggy! It's all good mama!"....
Click to expand...

LOL! Exactly. "Hey guy, this is my hot male friend. He's just gonna hang out with me, get drunk and sleep in my bed. Don't worry! Nothin' will happen!" LOL Idealism on this forum runs rampant, but it's entertaining.
 
the scenario as described by the op raised several red flags that would definitely arouse questions and suspicion of motive in my mind. firstly, using the excuse that he needed somewhere to stay; and that she only met him that evening. they were at a party, and if i read the op correctly his brother and their friends were in attendance; surely one of them could have provided suitable accomodation for the evening. its not exactly clear why it was paramount that he HAD to go to to your girlfriends home for the evening; without you present. secondly; if her best girlfriend has a single bed, and she; a double bed; it would make sense that the two women who are best friends and know each other well share the double bed, and that the male she had just met, occupy the single sleeping arrangement. i also find the statement "oh but nothing happened" a terrible and overused excuse in these situations. something did happen; she bought home a man she just met for the night home from a party and gave him permission to sleep with her in her bed; and merely and casually informed her partner about it the following day.

i asked my partner out of curiosity and to gain male perspective how he would have reacted in this situation; and he; without me giving my viewpoint; agreed that he would have reacted very similarly to the OP; and would be highly uncomfortable as the bed and bedroom (as also mentioned earlier in the thread) is the intimate and private zone of a couple; and is sacred to the couple unless discussed otherwise beforehand (taking into account open relationships etc).

i too cant help but wonder how many of the people that replied to the thread would be as nonchalant in this situation if it was their personal life in question; and not simply a thread on the internet.

...kytnism...:|
 
Mel22 said:
She was blackout drunk, this guy was a stranger, she slept in the same bed as him. Whether anything happened or not, she put herself (and you) in a position she shouldn't have. This is a random guy - not a friend of hers. Stupid move IMO.
Click to expand...

I agree with this. She's lucky nothing bad happened. Even if it was a friend there are some twisted people who could sexually assault and/or rape her while she was black out drunk. I hope she's OK and learned a lesson and won't repeat any of this.

laurenslv said:
5) hes italitan and you know how some italians can be (no offense lol)
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Yes we're hot, sexy, have very handsome facial structures, and those of us who are Latin/original Latin are very romantic, into kissing and pleasing our romantic/sexual partners. ;) <3
 
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