Eligiu
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 1,428
I had mild overamp yesterday afternoon. It was entirely predictable, had I taken the care to think about it and could have been avoided.
Absolutely loved the ticket system on the discord at that moment though. Last mine I overamped it was admittedly much worse, but part of that was thinking I was going to die alone in my room.
The Dark Side the correct location and this part of my post is why I would not post in HR cas to me it would be antithetical to put there even with the previous text so if people think the last paragraphs worth paste them seperately. I can have people look for HR, but the following is the the most important part of my post and essential for me to discuss. I will bringing this up as my main discussion point on Tuesday with my drug and counsllor as he is most suited to help. However I am not going turn any intelligent and thoughtful discussion on what I'm about to say readers. Today (following day) I feel okay. Want to see. But I'm worried because I shoot up meth as a self harm rather for the meth. To explain so that people don't I am just trying to avoid admitting that I am, addicted to meth, given how often I use and moreish I find it, I use it because it's so available where I live . But I'd truly use anything injectable.
That is, meth either gives me no rush, then on redose the 'paradoxical effect' case where I become sleepy and do eventually head off to bed, or it seems I overamp. These really undesirable. But the thing is it is the way of administration which brings the behaviours that I have under control (to any extent) Even without a rush, I can finally control my use of any drugs to 24-48 time frame. When I have a dose with less 'rush' than others
I tend to just view it as no Dexamphetamine for however much time until sleep. I don't add to it. I don't go grab more.
My self-harm with drugs is specifically the route of administration. I have been on, or off, IV since 2016. I ran away and as I remember, wanting to find some person who was willing to show me and teach me how to shoot up plus a good supplier of anything I could inject - heroin, meth, anything. And I found some within days. I brought her to where I was happening to be that week. Walked me through it slowly went through safe injection practice and harm reduction, gen told me to stick my arm out so I did, and that is fine first time I got up at 21.
The shot I did that night is not the reason I remember that night. I had better shots in I months that followed which I consider more kind what I tried to emulate. The thoughts is because if I pinpointed the moment my substance use went from being mostly manageable, it was the moment she decided to introduce me. Now I can't blame her - I can ask her to possibly consider that she missed one crucial process and that she forgot so how soul-crushingly addictive it can become if you have serious trauma you experienced. I may not have listened, but there was just not anything bad mentioned. I would, personally show a person who would otherwise try to do so themselves how to shoot up safely. But I would give them warning and my mention use comes big drawbacks.
I am worried over this overamp because my self-harm relationship with IV use. It is how I can effectively inflict then most suffering, shame, misery, loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, disgust... The driving want. It is done, to cause hurt. And I worry what happened cause another terrible chapter in my life because of the fact I cannot find a way to ever believe the incidents which resulted my self-blame were not completely and utterly my fault and and mine alone. All of this along side one ultimate truth -bad things happen to bad people. Something bad did happen. Which means the person who experienced that thing is bad. Because yesterday is processing and these thoughts are me trying to allow myself to do so, I want to hope the fact that there is part of me which wants punish and make every IV use the most unbelievably awful experience but not in this way I hoped (to cause me to finally quit). I have a terrible worrying cause for concern because the next time I use I want to feel pleasure. But I have habit of self-harm the most serious of ways. I Worry that the same will seem they go and buy the same dose off the vendor. I realise that IV use of drugs to cause hurt will kill me. Because I find myself entertaining the concept by myself.. I hate the fact that my brain wants me to jump straight to the end to buy the things I purchase at the same amount so that I'll overamp again.
The next part. I use too much and the symptoms rush rack and so euphoria I'm so used chasing is still absent. But the shakes tremors. Vision blurs. Cough. Start getting young. I didn't dle this time.
What if this overamp my desire for the ultimate form or pain an punishment to myself through IV us to aim to hit an overamp dose just so that I can sit here and suffer for hours in discomfort and misery?
I already am a lifetime IV and the passing thought goes through that my method is not by itself yet having achieved the status of being so dangerous for an IV user who tries to hurt selves for the purpose of punishment.
I am not looking for the perfect high. In fact with this new insidiously scary ideal outcome after using should being me slightly overamped, i can tell it is the opposite?
I try to tell people that I am not a meth addict. I use meth, for me it is means to an end.
Now I am scarred if overamping deliberately, because I want to be miserable when I use.
Absolutely loved the ticket system on the discord at that moment though. Last mine I overamped it was admittedly much worse, but part of that was thinking I was going to die alone in my room.
The Dark Side the correct location and this part of my post is why I would not post in HR cas to me it would be antithetical to put there even with the previous text so if people think the last paragraphs worth paste them seperately. I can have people look for HR, but the following is the the most important part of my post and essential for me to discuss. I will bringing this up as my main discussion point on Tuesday with my drug and counsllor as he is most suited to help. However I am not going turn any intelligent and thoughtful discussion on what I'm about to say readers. Today (following day) I feel okay. Want to see. But I'm worried because I shoot up meth as a self harm rather for the meth. To explain so that people don't I am just trying to avoid admitting that I am, addicted to meth, given how often I use and moreish I find it, I use it because it's so available where I live . But I'd truly use anything injectable.
That is, meth either gives me no rush, then on redose the 'paradoxical effect' case where I become sleepy and do eventually head off to bed, or it seems I overamp. These really undesirable. But the thing is it is the way of administration which brings the behaviours that I have under control (to any extent) Even without a rush, I can finally control my use of any drugs to 24-48 time frame. When I have a dose with less 'rush' than others
I tend to just view it as no Dexamphetamine for however much time until sleep. I don't add to it. I don't go grab more.
My self-harm with drugs is specifically the route of administration. I have been on, or off, IV since 2016. I ran away and as I remember, wanting to find some person who was willing to show me and teach me how to shoot up plus a good supplier of anything I could inject - heroin, meth, anything. And I found some within days. I brought her to where I was happening to be that week. Walked me through it slowly went through safe injection practice and harm reduction, gen told me to stick my arm out so I did, and that is fine first time I got up at 21.
The shot I did that night is not the reason I remember that night. I had better shots in I months that followed which I consider more kind what I tried to emulate. The thoughts is because if I pinpointed the moment my substance use went from being mostly manageable, it was the moment she decided to introduce me. Now I can't blame her - I can ask her to possibly consider that she missed one crucial process and that she forgot so how soul-crushingly addictive it can become if you have serious trauma you experienced. I may not have listened, but there was just not anything bad mentioned. I would, personally show a person who would otherwise try to do so themselves how to shoot up safely. But I would give them warning and my mention use comes big drawbacks.
I am worried over this overamp because my self-harm relationship with IV use. It is how I can effectively inflict then most suffering, shame, misery, loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, disgust... The driving want. It is done, to cause hurt. And I worry what happened cause another terrible chapter in my life because of the fact I cannot find a way to ever believe the incidents which resulted my self-blame were not completely and utterly my fault and and mine alone. All of this along side one ultimate truth -bad things happen to bad people. Something bad did happen. Which means the person who experienced that thing is bad. Because yesterday is processing and these thoughts are me trying to allow myself to do so, I want to hope the fact that there is part of me which wants punish and make every IV use the most unbelievably awful experience but not in this way I hoped (to cause me to finally quit). I have a terrible worrying cause for concern because the next time I use I want to feel pleasure. But I have habit of self-harm the most serious of ways. I Worry that the same will seem they go and buy the same dose off the vendor. I realise that IV use of drugs to cause hurt will kill me. Because I find myself entertaining the concept by myself.. I hate the fact that my brain wants me to jump straight to the end to buy the things I purchase at the same amount so that I'll overamp again.
The next part. I use too much and the symptoms rush rack and so euphoria I'm so used chasing is still absent. But the shakes tremors. Vision blurs. Cough. Start getting young. I didn't dle this time.
What if this overamp my desire for the ultimate form or pain an punishment to myself through IV us to aim to hit an overamp dose just so that I can sit here and suffer for hours in discomfort and misery?
I already am a lifetime IV and the passing thought goes through that my method is not by itself yet having achieved the status of being so dangerous for an IV user who tries to hurt selves for the purpose of punishment.
I am not looking for the perfect high. In fact with this new insidiously scary ideal outcome after using should being me slightly overamped, i can tell it is the opposite?
I try to tell people that I am not a meth addict. I use meth, for me it is means to an end.
Now I am scarred if overamping deliberately, because I want to be miserable when I use.
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