My current issue from my addiction. Input of any kind welcome.

[Eligiu]

I had mild overamp yesterday afternoon. It was entirely predictable, had I taken the care to think about it and could have been avoided.

Absolutely loved the ticket system on the discord at that moment though. Last mine I overamped it was admittedly much worse, but part of that was thinking I was going to die alone in my room.

The Dark Side the correct location and this part of my post is why I would not post in HR cas to me it would be antithetical to put there even with the previous text so if people think the last paragraphs worth paste them seperately. I can have people look for HR, but the following is the the most important part of my post and essential for me to discuss. I will bringing this up as my main discussion point on Tuesday with my drug and counsllor as he is most suited to help. However I am not going turn any intelligent and thoughtful discussion on what I'm about to say readers. Today (following day) I feel okay. Want to see. But I'm worried because I shoot up meth as a self harm rather for the meth. To explain so that people don't I am just trying to avoid admitting that I am, addicted to meth, given how often I use and moreish I find it, I use it because it's so available where I live . But I'd truly use anything injectable.

That is, meth either gives me no rush, then on redose the 'paradoxical effect' case where I become sleepy and do eventually head off to bed, or it seems I overamp. These really undesirable. But the thing is it is the way of administration which brings the behaviours that I have under control (to any extent) Even without a rush, I can finally control my use of any drugs to 24-48 time frame. When I have a dose with less 'rush' than others
I tend to just view it as no Dexamphetamine for however much time until sleep. I don't add to it. I don't go grab more.

My self-harm with drugs is specifically the route of administration. I have been on, or off, IV since 2016. I ran away and as I remember, wanting to find some person who was willing to show me and teach me how to shoot up plus a good supplier of anything I could inject - heroin, meth, anything. And I found some within days. I brought her to where I was happening to be that week. Walked me through it slowly went through safe injection practice and harm reduction, gen told me to stick my arm out so I did, and that is fine first time I got up at 21.

The shot I did that night is not the reason I remember that night. I had better shots in I months that followed which I consider more kind what I tried to emulate. The thoughts is because if I pinpointed the moment my substance use went from being mostly manageable, it was the moment she decided to introduce me. Now I can't blame her - I can ask her to possibly consider that she missed one crucial process and that she forgot so how soul-crushingly addictive it can become if you have serious trauma you experienced. I may not have listened, but there was just not anything bad mentioned. I would, personally show a person who would otherwise try to do so themselves how to shoot up safely. But I would give them warning and my mention use comes big drawbacks.

I am worried over this overamp because my self-harm relationship with IV use. It is how I can effectively inflict then most suffering, shame, misery, loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, disgust... The driving want. It is done, to cause hurt. And I worry what happened cause another terrible chapter in my life because of the fact I cannot find a way to ever believe the incidents which resulted my self-blame were not completely and utterly my fault and and mine alone. All of this along side one ultimate truth -bad things happen to bad people. Something bad did happen. Which means the person who experienced that thing is bad. Because yesterday is processing and these thoughts are me trying to allow myself to do so, I want to hope the fact that there is part of me which wants punish and make every IV use the most unbelievably awful experience but not in this way I hoped (to cause me to finally quit). I have a terrible worrying cause for concern because the next time I use I want to feel pleasure. But I have habit of self-harm the most serious of ways. I Worry that the same will seem they go and buy the same dose off the vendor. I realise that IV use of drugs to cause hurt will kill me. Because I find myself entertaining the concept by myself.. I hate the fact that my brain wants me to jump straight to the end to buy the things I purchase at the same amount so that I'll overamp again.

The next part. I use too much and the symptoms rush rack and so euphoria I'm so used chasing is still absent. But the shakes tremors. Vision blurs. Cough. Start getting young. I didn't dle this time.

What if this overamp my desire for the ultimate form or pain an punishment to myself through IV us to aim to hit an overamp dose just so that I can sit here and suffer for hours in discomfort and misery?

I already am a lifetime IV and the passing thought goes through that my method is not by itself yet having achieved the status of being so dangerous for an IV user who tries to hurt selves for the purpose of punishment.

I am not looking for the perfect high. In fact with this new insidiously scary ideal outcome after using should being me slightly overamped, i can tell it is the opposite?

I try to tell people that I am not a meth addict. I use meth, for me it is means to an end.

Now I am scarred if overamping deliberately, because I want to be miserable when I use.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Hey @Eligiu thank you for the insightful post. If you don't mind, can you please cut/paste the first half of your post to a new thread in Trip Reports? I don't really see much Harm Reduction, other than the help you received from Discord, and it may be triggering for anyone in The Dark Side who is trying to kick an IV addiction. I also feel that your near OD experience could be helpful for anyone reading Trip Reports who thinks IVing meth for the first time might be a good idea.

The second half of your post can remain here in this thread in The Dark Side.

Please understand that I think recounting this experience can be a valuable resource for users of Bluelight, which is why I think the material should remain and not be deleted or thread locked. I just want to make sure the proper material is placed in the proper subforum. Thank you for posting and if you disagree with my suggestion, please shoot me a PM and we can try to work it out. Peace!

 

[Eligiu]

Hey @Eligiu thank you for the insightful post. If you don't mind, can you please cut/paste the first half of your post to a new thread in Trip Reports? I don't really see much Harm Reduction, other than the help you received from Discord, and it may be triggering for anyone in The Dark Side who is trying to kick an IV addiction. I also feel that your near OD experience could be helpful for anyone reading Trip Reports who thinks IVing meth for the first time might be a good idea.

The second half of your post can remain here in this thread in The Dark Side.

Please understand that I think recounting this experience can be a valuable resource for users of Bluelight, which is why I think the material should remain and not be deleted or thread locked. I just want to make sure the proper material is placed in the proper subforum. Thank you for posting and if you disagree with my suggestion, please shoot me a PM and we can try to work it out. Peace!

Let me know if I need to edit it more than this, I think I took everything out that you meant.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Let me know if I need to edit it more than this, I think I took everything out that you meant.

Looks a lot better. Thank you

 

[Atomic_Decay]

I understand what you are going through @Eligiu. I only used IV for more than 30 years on and off and was always trying to find that fine line between the extreme rush and overamping or worse. I had a very strong desire for self-annihilation but not for death.

I don’t know what your answer is, but I can tell you it was a lot easier than I thought to switch to smoking and then to moderation and ultimately long periods of relative sanity and sobriety. I also found safer psychedelic drugs to provide that sense of self-annihilation. Gradually the desire for that punishing intensity I got from stimulant IV faded away. The desire to lose myself also faded away to be replaced with a desire to find my best self.

I don’t now advocate substituting one drug for another. Rather I think the answer is to stop running from oneself and come to terms with whatever trauma drives that destructive impulse and find ways to treat it more gently.

 

[Eligiu]

I understand what you are going through @Eligiu. I only used IV for more than 30 years on and off and was always trying to find that fine line between the extreme rush and overamping or worse. I had a very strong desire for self-annihilation but not for death.

I don’t know what your answer is, but I can tell you it was a lot easier than I thought to switch to smoking and then to moderation and ultimately long periods of relative sanity and sobriety. I also found safer psychedelic drugs to provide that sense of self-annihilation. Gradually the desire for that punishing intensity I got from stimulant IV faded away. The desire to lose myself also faded away to be replaced with a desire to find my best self.

I don’t now advocate substituting one drug for another. Rather I think the answer is to stop running from oneself and come to terms with whatever trauma drives that destructive impulse and find ways to treat it more gently.

I've been in trauma therapy for around 5-6 years now, and have done several trauma groups including an amazing group in my country which is run for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. When I looked it up and saw it I was hesitant to apply, it being a men's space and me being a trans man. Part of my abuse was heavily gendered. It didn't make me trans, it was just this unholy combination of CSA trauma *plus* dysphoria due to the nature of the abuse. I knew I wouldn't be able to fully share my story in a place I had to hide who I am. But then I saw that it actually explicitly included transgender men. Like it wrote on the website 'transgender men are fully welcomed alongside other men to join our groups' and I realised it was a one in a million opportunity. And that group was amazing. I shared my whole story for the first time in my life and the other guys actually understood. I didn't get sympathy, I finally got understanding. Before I went there I felt completely defective. Like I just figured there was something broken with me and no one would ever understand how big an impact familial sexual abuse has had on me. My friends all knew who the perpetrator was, but they didn't know the details. Going to that group and sharing my story made me realise that keeping it a secret, the perpetrators secret, was actually killing me. So I asked a few of my closest friends if they would be willing to listen to me disclose to them too, not just for the sake of it but to help me grow. And they did, and it helped. We didn't talk much about it after at all, I just said my piece and then they responded in varying ways and we moved on. So I'm pretty far along in my trauma journey - I can openly discuss the trauma and the impact that it has had on me.

The issue I face is largely a result of the identity of the perpetrator. The abuse started when I was around 7, that kind of abuse. Other abuse started earlier. But once that happened, my entire worldview shifted in a very unhealthy and self defeating way. As a 7 year old, I relied on my parents to keep me safe. But one of my parents was the one inflicting the abuse, so my brain couldn't reconcile that as to do so would mean accepting that he couldn't or wouldn't protect me. Instead of (rightfully) viewing him as the bad person, I twisted it all in a monumental way.

A bad thing happened.

Someone bad must have done it.

Not him, he won't admit it. And he also keeps me safe. So it must be me.

If I'm a bad person, then this is right, because bad things happen to bad people.

I am a bad person, and because he won't take responsibility for it, therefore it is all my fault.

So you see, that mindset may have kept little child me sane for a period of time in order to still be able to depend on my dad. But at this stage of my life, it's killing me.

If anyone in the world came up to me and told me my story, and then said that they're a bad person because bad things only happen to bad people and it's their fault I would take time out of my day to reassure them and remind them that no, none of that is true. They were a child, and none of it could ever be their fault.

I KNOW none of it was my fault. I don't always believe it. And what I'm struggling with is figuring out how to believe it more often than not. I'm not sure what the key is here. Because there is a massive difference between knowing and believing this. Cognitively I know it. Emotionally I don't believe it.

 

[Atomic_Decay]

I've been in trauma therapy for around 5-6 years now, and have done several trauma groups including an amazing group in my country which is run for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. When I looked it up and saw it I was hesitant to apply, it being a men's space and me being a trans man. Part of my abuse was heavily gendered. It didn't make me trans, it was just this unholy combination of CSA trauma *plus* dysphoria due to the nature of the abuse. I knew I wouldn't be able to fully share my story in a place I had to hide who I am. But then I saw that it actually explicitly included transgender men. Like it wrote on the website 'transgender men are fully welcomed alongside other men to join our groups' and I realised it was a one in a million opportunity. And that group was amazing. I shared my whole story for the first time in my life and the other guys actually understood. I didn't get sympathy, I finally got understanding. Before I went there I felt completely defective. Like I just figured there was something broken with me and no one would ever understand how big an impact familial sexual abuse has had on me. My friends all knew who the perpetrator was, but they didn't know the details. Going to that group and sharing my story made me realise that keeping it a secret, the perpetrators secret, was actually killing me. So I asked a few of my closest friends if they would be willing to listen to me disclose to them too, not just for the sake of it but to help me grow. And they did, and it helped. We didn't talk much about it after at all, I just said my piece and then they responded in varying ways and we moved on. So I'm pretty far along in my trauma journey - I can openly discuss the trauma and the impact that it has had on me.

The issue I face is largely a result of the identity of the perpetrator. The abuse started when I was around 7, that kind of abuse. Other abuse started earlier. But once that happened, my entire worldview shifted in a very unhealthy and self defeating way. As a 7 year old, I relied on my parents to keep me safe. But one of my parents was the one inflicting the abuse, so my brain couldn't reconcile that as to do so would mean accepting that he couldn't or wouldn't protect me. Instead of (rightfully) viewing him as the bad person, I twisted it all in a monumental way.

A bad thing happened.

Someone bad must have done it.

Not him, he won't admit it. And he also keeps me safe. So it must be me.

If I'm a bad person, then this is right, because bad things happen to bad people.

I am a bad person, and because he won't take responsibility for it, therefore it is all my fault.

So you see, that mindset may have kept little child me sane for a period of time in order to still be able to depend on my dad. But at this stage of my life, it's killing me.

If anyone in the world came up to me and told me my story, and then said that they're a bad person because bad things only happen to bad people and it's their fault I would take time out of my day to reassure them and remind them that no, none of that is true. They were a child, and none of it could ever be their fault.

I KNOW none of it was my fault. I don't always believe it. And what I'm struggling with is figuring out how to believe it more often than not. I'm not sure what the key is here. Because there is a massive difference between knowing and believing this. Cognitively I know it. Emotionally I don't believe it.

I don’t really recall the point at which the grief and guilt from my own sexual abuse and subsequent (but relatively brief) learned abusiveness disappeared . But one day it was just not there anymore. Somewhere in my mid-40s so about 10 years ago. My parents were deeply Christian and it was more important for them to forgive my abuser than to seek justice for me. They expected me to also forgive - which pretty much broke my relationship with them forever.

But ultimately I think perhaps they were right. One day I did just forgive and forget. Both my abusers and my parents. I feel very little emotional connection to my family anymore but I don’t hold any grudges and feel no grief.

I realised that I had manipulated girls in my (and their) late teens because my abuse had taught me that that was what sex was -selfish and manipulative. So perhaps my abusers had also been victims at some point and knew no other kind of sexual behaviour. I’ll never know for sure. But I needed to forgive them to forgive myself.

Possibly CBT was a big part of my recovery - the thoughts and memories that used to continually re-traumatise me and trigger my self-destructive behaviour now hold no power over me and have no emotional resonance at al.

 

[Eligiu]

I don’t really recall the point at which the grief and guilt from my own sexual abuse and subsequent (but relatively brief) learned abusiveness disappeared . But one day it was just not there anymore. Somewhere in my mid-40s so about 10 years ago. My parents were deeply Christian and it was more important for them to forgive my abuser than to seek justice for me. They expected me to also forgive - which pretty much broke my relationship with them forever.

But ultimately I think perhaps they were right. One day I did just forgive and forget. Both my abusers and my parents. I feel very little emotional connection to my family anymore but I don’t hold any grudges and feel no grief.

I realised that I had manipulated girls in my (and their) late teens because my abuse had taught me that that was what sex was -selfish and manipulative. So perhaps my abusers had also been victims at some point and knew no other kind of sexual behaviour. I’ll never know for sure. But I needed to forgive them to forgive myself.

Possibly CBT was a big part of my recovery - the thoughts and memories that used to continually re-traumatise me and trigger my self-destructive behaviour now hold no power over me and have no emotional resonance at al.

I've done a lot of CBT, CPT, DBT, and EMDR as well as psychoanalysis. All have helped in their own way.

I don't actually think I can ever forgive my father, largely because if I were still speaking to him and seeing him, he would still be abusing me to this day. The last time it happened was my birthday, where he tried to grope me in front of my mother and brother under the guise of spilling water and 'helping' his grown ass 27 year old son dry his crotch. Then he spent the rest of the night caressing my arm next to me while not touching my brother.

I haven't even had time to heal from the last 5-10 years worth of stuff, much less the first 10 years. To me it's just a mess of trauma and all I remember from being a child and teenager and adult is living in fear of being sexually assaulted or sexualised another time, which was always inevitable, and have everyone in the family witness it but no one stand up to protect me.

I tried once. On Christmas day in 2016 he inappropriately touched me in front of the entire extended family when I walked past him. I turned around, pushed his hands away and yelled out 'do not EVER fucking do that again' and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked and he just went 'I'm allowed to, I'm you're dad it's how I show you that I love you.' That was the last day I ever bothered to try and put up any kind of fight. No one stood up for me even when 25-30 people saw it happened, so no one will ever believe me.

My brother is the only one who believes me. It took me 5 years to convince him that it was true - showing him my file from the department of child protection, explaining my drug addiction, disclosing things. But he finally came around.

I am amazed that you were able to forgive and I think that is commendable. But there are just some things which to me are impossible to forgive, especially when the reason the person is doing it is for their own selfishness and gratification.

For example, my father likely suffered no sexual abuse, and his abuse of me was for self gratification. Him saying 'I wish your huge tits were on your mum so I could play with them there instead of on you' while I stood, utterly mortified at the fact that anyone brought attention to a part of my body I did my best to hide everyday and did so in such an inappropriate way, lends me to believe he's just sick. He also used to tell me to 'wear tighter shirts' and 'stop slouching' so people (him) could stare. When I actually had chest surgery (the best thing that has ever happened to me) the surgeon asked him to leave so he could do the texta marking. My dad refused to. The surgeon asked again, saying 'I have to insist, given I'm asking your son to stand in the room shirtless' while my dad insisted it was fine again. Only when the surgeon asked if a nurse would be required to escort him out did my dad huff, look angrily at the surgeon, and stalk out of the room.

He always told me that surgery was a 'waste of a fantastic chest that most women dreamt of' and the thing is, these comments are just so far afield to what I'd imagine someone who also suffered abuse may say about their teenage child at that.

He treated me like a spouse, verbally from puberty. Also as physically as he was permitted to, he also did.

Even in photographs taken - when he stands next to me, he puts his hand around my hips or down near my ass. Next to my mum he does the same. Next to my brother and his spouse, he puts his arms across their shoulders.

None of what he did was accidental. To this day I think he is bitter that I ended up trans since that 'makes him gay' due to the abuse, which is why he needs to misgender me when he does it. He can't just violate the boundary, he needs to disrespect my identity in the process.

I wish I could forgive him. I could forgive him for the years of emotional abuse, DV, and neglect. But I can't forgive him for this. It's just too deliberate.

 

[Atomic_Decay]

I've done a lot of CBT, CPT, DBT, and EMDR as well as psychoanalysis. All have helped in their own way.

I don't actually think I can ever forgive my father, largely because if I were still speaking to him and seeing him, he would still be abusing me to this day. The last time it happened was my birthday, where he tried to grope me in front of my mother and brother under the guise of spilling water and 'helping' his grown ass 27 year old son dry his crotch. Then he spent the rest of the night caressing my arm next to me while not touching my brother.

I haven't even had time to heal from the last 5-10 years worth of stuff, much less the first 10 years. To me it's just a mess of trauma and all I remember from being a child and teenager and adult is living in fear of being sexually assaulted or sexualised another time, which was always inevitable, and have everyone in the family witness it but no one stand up to protect me.

I tried once. On Christmas day in 2016 he inappropriately touched me in front of the entire extended family when I walked past him. I turned around, pushed his hands away and yelled out 'do not EVER fucking do that again' and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked and he just went 'I'm allowed to, I'm you're dad it's how I show you that I love you.' That was the last day I ever bothered to try and put up any kind of fight. No one stood up for me even when 25-30 people saw it happened, so no one will ever believe me.

My brother is the only one who believes me. It took me 5 years to convince him that it was true - showing him my file from the department of child protection, explaining my drug addiction, disclosing things. But he finally came around.

I am amazed that you were able to forgive and I think that is commendable. But there are just some things which to me are impossible to forgive, especially when the reason the person is doing it is for their own selfishness and gratification.

For example, my father likely suffered no sexual abuse, and his abuse of me was for self gratification. Him saying 'I wish your huge tits were on your mum so I could play with them there instead of on you' while I stood, utterly mortified at the fact that anyone brought attention to a part of my body I did my best to hide everyday and did so in such an inappropriate way, lends me to believe he's just sick. He also used to tell me to 'wear tighter shirts' and 'stop slouching' so people (him) could stare. When I actually had chest surgery (the best thing that has ever happened to me) the surgeon asked him to leave so he could do the texta marking. My dad refused to. The surgeon asked again, saying 'I have to insist, given I'm asking your son to stand in the room shirtless' while my dad insisted it was fine again. Only when the surgeon asked if a nurse would be required to escort him out did my dad huff, look angrily at the surgeon, and stalk out of the room.

He always told me that surgery was a 'waste of a fantastic chest that most women dreamt of' and the thing is, these comments are just so far afield to what I'd imagine someone who also suffered abuse may say about their teenage child at that.

He treated me like a spouse, verbally from puberty. Also as physically as he was permitted to, he also did.

Even in photographs taken - when he stands next to me, he puts his hand around my hips or down near my ass. Next to my mum he does the same. Next to my brother and his spouse, he puts his arms across their shoulders.

None of what he did was accidental. To this day I think he is bitter that I ended up trans since that 'makes him gay' due to the abuse, which is why he needs to misgender me when he does it. He can't just violate the boundary, he needs to disrespect my identity in the process.

I wish I could forgive him. I could forgive him for the years of emotional abuse, DV, and neglect. But I can't forgive him for this. It's just too deliberate.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I've done a lot of CBT, CPT, DBT, and EMDR as well as psychoanalysis. All have helped in their own way.

I don't actually think I can ever forgive my father, largely because if I were still speaking to him and seeing him, he would still be abusing me to this day. The last time it happened was my birthday, where he tried to grope me in front of my mother and brother under the guise of spilling water and 'helping' his grown ass 27 year old son dry his crotch. Then he spent the rest of the night caressing my arm next to me while not touching my brother.

I haven't even had time to heal from the last 5-10 years worth of stuff, much less the first 10 years. To me it's just a mess of trauma and all I remember from being a child and teenager and adult is living in fear of being sexually assaulted or sexualised another time, which was always inevitable, and have everyone in the family witness it but no one stand up to protect me.

I tried once. On Christmas day in 2016 he inappropriately touched me in front of the entire extended family when I walked past him. I turned around, pushed his hands away and yelled out 'do not EVER fucking do that again' and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked and he just went 'I'm allowed to, I'm you're dad it's how I show you that I love you.' That was the last day I ever bothered to try and put up any kind of fight. No one stood up for me even when 25-30 people saw it happened, so no one will ever believe me.

My brother is the only one who believes me. It took me 5 years to convince him that it was true - showing him my file from the department of child protection, explaining my drug addiction, disclosing things. But he finally came around.

I am amazed that you were able to forgive and I think that is commendable. But there are just some things which to me are impossible to forgive, especially when the reason the person is doing it is for their own selfishness and gratification.

For example, my father likely suffered no sexual abuse, and his abuse of me was for self gratification. Him saying 'I wish your huge tits were on your mum so I could play with them there instead of on you' while I stood, utterly mortified at the fact that anyone brought attention to a part of my body I did my best to hide everyday and did so in such an inappropriate way, lends me to believe he's just sick. He also used to tell me to 'wear tighter shirts' and 'stop slouching' so people (him) could stare. When I actually had chest surgery (the best thing that has ever happened to me) the surgeon asked him to leave so he could do the texta marking. My dad refused to. The surgeon asked again, saying 'I have to insist, given I'm asking your son to stand in the room shirtless' while my dad insisted it was fine again. Only when the surgeon asked if a nurse would be required to escort him out did my dad huff, look angrily at the surgeon, and stalk out of the room.

He always told me that surgery was a 'waste of a fantastic chest that most women dreamt of' and the thing is, these comments are just so far afield to what I'd imagine someone who also suffered abuse may say about their teenage child at that.

He treated me like a spouse, verbally from puberty. Also as physically as he was permitted to, he also did.

Even in photographs taken - when he stands next to me, he puts his hand around my hips or down near my ass. Next to my mum he does the same. Next to my brother and his spouse, he puts his arms across their shoulders.

None of what he did was accidental. To this day I think he is bitter that I ended up trans since that 'makes him gay' due to the abuse, which is why he needs to misgender me when he does it. He can't just violate the boundary, he needs to disrespect my identity in the process.

I wish I could forgive him. I could forgive him for the years of emotional abuse, DV, and neglect. But I can't forgive him for this. It's just too deliberate.

I am so sad to hear you've been through all of that man. NO ONE deserves any where near that kind of abuse. I would have a lot of trouble forgiving someone for that too. Maybe one day, forgiving him will give you some kind of closure, within yourself...? I don't know.

 

[Eligiu]

Thank you.

I am so sad to hear you've been through all of that man. NO ONE deserves any where near that kind of abuse. I would have a lot of trouble forgiving someone for that too. Maybe one day, forgiving him will give you some kind of closure, within yourself...? I don't know.

Thank you for your validation. That was by no means the extent of his abuse, however I don't tend to disclose the more horrific stuff publically.

I often feel like if I were ever to accuse him of it, because the truth is my mother would have witnessed some of it - she was there a lot of the time. I have a feeling she has blocked it out for her own sake - she knows there are issues between me and him, I haven't spoken to him or seen him for 4-5 months and I told her it was because I was 'really furious with him and wanted him to acknowledge and apologise for many things he has done which have hurt me.' If I did accuse him, I could only accuse for what happened between 13-27. No proof for anything prior to that. Nothing at all except my memories.

I just don't think she is expecting me to accuse him of child sex offences, since she keeps asking me whether I'm ready to 'sit down with a list of things he did so he can apologise' and in my head I'm going 'you think that will make us one big happy family again. But all it will do is make you choose between me or him. And if you pick him, I'm done with you.'

And I sometimes do feel like what I'm complaining about isn't a big deal. It's not like he was raping me as a teenager. But I think about the children I work with and I cannot fathom saying anything remotely sexual about them, even the 17 and 18 year olds. They're kids to me. And even if it wasn't that level of sexual abuse, I do feel like it is hugely inappropriate to sexualise your teenage child and brag about their body to friends and family, as well as make constant comments about how good you think they look.

Honestly before I transitioned I remember dressing up (rarely did this happen) to go to Formal (prom type thing). And I remember him just leering at me and commenting about how 'fantastic' I looked, and that I finally looked like a young lady. And I felt awful.

Like I dressed and acted like a boy my entire life, except for when I couldn't (high school) then as soon as that was over I went back to masculine. I mean, before I was 3 I was presenting and identifying as strongly masculine.

My father is, in actuality, extremely homophobic. And not for any good reason, he just doesn't like it. I've come to realise in the past year or so that his actions may also have been an attempt at 'correcting' my incorrect gender presentation, which is why my feminised body was commented on in detail and made into a big deal, and I was told to dress 'more feminine' and not like I usually did.

And that is another reason I can't forgive him. Mental health clinicians and other people in society tend to think people are trans because of trauma. Often sexual abuse in childhood. It doesn't cause it.

They get it mixed up. We are more likely to experience childhood sexual abuse *because* of our gender non-conformity.

And this is why last year I found out that after 9 whole years he didn't have my legal name in his phone. How can I move on from trauma like that when every time I see him, another thing happens? I don't know the answer to that.

 

[Fourofakind]

I dont have so much to say here... I havent suffered the same way that you, i suffered abuse physically and emotional from my dad, (my mother and my brothers suffered too), but not sexual, he stopped to being a shitty person after my lovely and super succesfull sister (she had one of the most important federal goverment works in Mexico) commit suicide, just few weeks ago...

Before that, the suicide thinking passed to my mind EVERY DAY, cuz i feel miserable cuz i use 80% of my money in drugs and alcohol, but... i have my own business, and few complementary jobs that i love (poker, take care of elderly ppl), and i like to work at my business too, but all the family always discharged their frustrations with me... like if i was a shame to the family.

After my sisters decision, i know we have a bad education, lot of domestic violence since we was kids, and a lot of emotional violence and authoritarism, make us feel we are the bad ones, we are thinking or doing all incorrect, and we will be shit, and "he is worried" becouse he dont know what will happen in the future with us...

Well, when i still lived with them i had a very succesfull business importing electronics from china, reselling locally, he never give me a cent to start, i started worked with the chinesse helping them to stablish in mexican commerce,, got my savings, and started my business, even when he was saying me that will be just for a moment and i will be an unsuccesfull person.

Well, years passed, i got depressed and more into addiction, i started selling all my goods that got of the business, my relationship of years with a girl i loved so much broke, i had even gold and stupid jewerly that bought cuz i was under 18 but was winning a fkn lot of money, had credit in 6 different banks and 2 other third party, i end selling absolutelly all, with the highest debt possible with everyone that give me credit, but i never stealed anything, at that point, he was almost forcing me to import shit again, and that work ended to be really disgunsting and frustrating for me after all the experiences, idk what to do with my life, becouse i believed that all he said, i take it like part of my life... until i send im to fuck himself, i got the confidence necesary to love myself and percibe the love of the ppl around me, before that, my life was absolute misery, after that, i just started recognice my habits or thinkings that was stopping me to be successfull, and just like the next morning, i had my own business and at the process learned to play and winning money at poker, but its a very competitive work, so, i win much more with my actual business, and left poker for a more recreational thing, specially when im bored, its the cure.

As you can read, my situation is very mild compared to yours, but the psychological abuse is a torture, my recommendation is, stay away from him, just take out him from your life, if any other family member doesnt support and understand you, take them out too, grow, and at some moment, (i hope), he will change, or, the best, you will change, and you will have the control of the situation, and the respect to your person and decisions in general will become naturally, at least that happened in my life, was a very frustrating and depressive adolescence and 20s, but, right now, im 29, every day that passes, all is just growing and i feel all is becoming even better every day, if i had not started to feel this, and have the confidence i needed, i have commit suicide 2 yrs ago maybe, and i have been really neath to more than one deadly overdose, and more than one time to be murdered, all becouse i had not confidence in myself, i dont trust anymore in anyone even myself, and i had no hope or faith in any people, society, future, world, and myself.

I recommend stay away, grow at your own way, love yourself, and stop worrying about all u writing, i know how hard it can be, at least in a mild trauma like mine, but when you feel the power that gives worry and do the right things, you get addicted to that power cuz feels good, power is freedom, and you change your way of think for a more rational one than emotional, becouse feels very good not to be extremely emotive.

I sitll have problems, i still have a 6 years meth daily use addiction, i dont like it, but i dont suffer anymore for that, i just cant lie myself, and i feel bad when i get stuck in the addiction, and feel amazing when i got progress.

I hope to be any kind of help, i send you a lot of blessings and love.

Stop worrying and letting the emotion reactions to your thinkings destroy you, is easy to destroy them yourself!, you just need to be really jaded, and the rest is "natural". Dont get obsessive in get the support of anyone, even if they are your family, i feel you, i had that obsession and just destroyed my self-steem, that nowadays im still recovering.

More blessings and love to you and all TDS or any ppl in the world that is suffering for any thing.

 

[Eligiu]

I dont have so much to say here... I havent suffered the same way that you, i suffered abuse physically and emotional from my dad, (my mother and my brothers suffered too), but not sexual, he stopped to being a shitty person after my lovely and super succesfull sister (she had one of the most important federal goverment works in Mexico) commit suicide, just few weeks ago...

Before that, the suicide thinking passed to my mind EVERY DAY, cuz i feel miserable cuz i use 80% of my money in drugs and alcohol, but... i have my own business, and few complementary jobs that i love (poker, take care of elderly ppl), and i like to work at my business too, but all the family always discharged their frustrations with me... like if i was a shame to the family.

After my sisters decision, i know we have a bad education, lot of domestic violence since we was kids, and a lot of emotional violence and authoritarism, make us feel we are the bad ones, we are thinking or doing all incorrect, and we will be shit, and "he is worried" becouse he dont know what will happen in the future with us...

Well, when i still lived with them i had a very succesfull business importing electronics from china, reselling locally, he never give me a cent to start, i started worked with the chinesse helping them to stablish in mexican commerce,, got my savings, and started my business, even when he was saying me that will be just for a moment and i will be an unsuccesfull person.

Well, years passed, i got depressed and more into addiction, i started selling all my goods that got of the business, my relationship of years with a girl i loved so much broke, i had even gold and stupid jewerly that bought cuz i was under 18 but was winning a fkn lot of money, had credit in 6 different banks and 2 other third party, i end selling absolutelly all, with the highest debt possible with everyone that give me credit, but i never stealed anything, at that point, he was almost forcing me to import shit again, and that work ended to be really disgunsting and frustrating for me after all the experiences, idk what to do with my life, becouse i believed that all he said, i take it like part of my life... until i send im to fuck himself, i got the confidence necesary to love myself and percibe the love of the ppl around me, before that, my life was absolute misery, after that, i just started recognice my habits or thinkings that was stopping me to be successfull, and just like the next morning, i had my own business and at the process learned to play and winning money at poker, but its a very competitive work, so, i win much more with my actual business, and left poker for a more recreational thing, specially when im bored, its the cure.

As you can read, my situation is very mild compared to yours, but the psychological abuse is a torture, my recommendation is, stay away from him, just take out him from your life, if any other family member doesnt support and understand you, take them out too, grow, and at some moment, (i hope), he will change, or, the best, you will change, and you will have the control of the situation, and the respect to your person and decisions in general will become naturally, at least that happened in my life, was a very frustrating and depressive adolescence and 20s, but, right now, im 29, every day that passes, all is just growing and i feel all is becoming even better every day, if i had not started to feel this, and have the confidence i needed, i have commit suicide 2 yrs ago maybe, and i have been really neath to more than one deadly overdose, and more than one time to be murdered, all becouse i had not confidence in myself, i dont trust anymore in anyone even myself, and i had no hope or faith in any people, society, future, world, and myself.

I recommend stay away, grow at your own way, love yourself, and stop worrying about all u writing, i know how hard it can be, at least in a mild trauma like mine, but when you feel the power that gives worry and do the right things, you get addicted to that power cuz feels good, power is freedom, and you change your way of think for a more rational one than emotional, becouse feels very good not to be extremely emotive.

I sitll have problems, i still have a 6 years meth daily use addiction, i dont like it, but i dont suffer anymore for that, i just cant lie myself, and i feel bad when i get stuck in the addiction, and feel amazing when i got progress.

I hope to be any kind of help, i send you a lot of blessings and love.

Stop worrying and letting the emotion reactions to your thinkings destroy you, is easy to destroy them yourself!, you just need to be really jaded, and the rest is "natural". Dont get obsessive in get the support of anyone, even if they are your family, i feel you, i had that obsession and just destroyed my self-steem, that nowadays im still recovering.

More blessings and love to you and all TDS or any ppl in the world that is suffering for any thing.

Any type of abuse impacts people profoundly.

But I've come to realise through talking to people with certain experiences that my childhood has caused me such intense dissociation when I can't get my hands on drugs that I'm able to physically allow my father to stand near me or touch me without my body responding in any kind of fear. It's just past that. It's called Secondary Structural Dissociation:

'Trauma that begins at a younger age affects a less integrated personality, trauma that lasts longer requires more traumatic materials to be contained, trauma that is perpetrated by someone who is supposed to protect the vulnerable child creates a strong motivation to remain unaware of the trauma during daily life, and trauma that is accompanied by disorganized attachment forces the child to react in conflicting ways to a caretaker without allowing any of their other learned responses to shine through.'

This is how I've been able to endure life without falling apart completely and still manage to cope day to day. When I realised that this was what was happening it made a lot of sense because it almost like a kind of change comes across me when I need to be around him and I become completely emotionless and capable of tolerating basically anything.

I repressed A LOT of it until I couldn't anymore, and there was a long period of avoidance where I wouldn't see my dad under any circumstances. But there was also a long period of when he would assault me and I just wouldn't respond but I'd bring it up with my psychologist later on and tell friends what was happening so they would try to help me deal with it.

The dissociation theory makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I think I made everything up despite having a child protection file and the fact is no one in their right mind would have done as much trauma therapy as I've done if it wasn't true because I don't emotionally dysregulate much anymore. But I've come to realise it's actually because I've dissociated so completely that I think my first step with my psychologist the next time I see him will be trying to figure out my way back from that.