Hi everyone!
9 days clean today. It feels insane to say, but this is now the longest sober period since I relapsed on February 3rd. Except for two stretches lasting less than a week, all of February flew by in the blink of an eye in a drug-induced haze, and now I'm emerging from that again and going through the disconcerting experience of having a crystal clear recollection of my 52 days clean and then a drug-shaped hole in my memory with just hazy fragments making up most of February. I can feel myself waking up again now - it's like coming out of a dream. That's what using gets like for me - like I'm on auto-pilot, not thinking past my next hit, sleepwalking through life.
I have been struggling these past few days - I've been really depressed. Still functioning - I can go to work, speak to my family & friends etc - but emotionally I've alternated between entirely disconnected & numb or despairing over my repeated failures to get clean. However, I've started exercising again as of yesterday and it's had a huge impact on my mood. I did some HIIT on a treadmill yesterday and lifted weights today, and even though - today especially - I didn't really feel like going, after I forced myself the difference in how I feel is black & white. My problems suddenly seem so much more manageable. The impact has been so dramatic that I've decided that every day I'm not working I will be exercising (not a huge commitment since I'm only working 2-3 days a week). The addict in me wants to exercise every single day, but I don't want to overdo it and I don't want to exhaust myself and then have to go and do an 8 hour shift.
I'm picking up the pieces again. There are some behaviors that I really need to change that are not conducive to my sobriety. They are:
1. Fantasizing about using. I've had this lingering fantasy of saving £1000, getting a giant amount of heroin and crack, and shutting myself away for a weekend going crazy. In this fantasy, the lapse would somehow be an isolated event that I'd have no problem stopping - obviously, in reality it doesn't work that way!
2. Reading trip reports/stories of active addiction/experience logs etc. I tend to do this when I'm having cravings, and it just adds fuel to the fire. I'm going to start making a conscious effort to instead shift my attention to something positive - stories of recovery, self-improvement, inspirational things rather than reading about people taking the substances that are destroying my life and mentally salivating at the thought of doing it myself.
3. Eating poorly. I tend to emotionally rely on junk food when I come off drugs - I will eat crazy amounts of chocolate, biscuits, cakes etc. - anything sugary/fatty - in the evenings to the point where I'm nauseous. I'm a little torn on this, since on the one hand I figure I should cut myself some slack since it's far better than drugs and that I can fix my diet when I'm a little more stable, but then I have to consider that this may be fueling my mood swings/depression and giving me temporary pleasure at the expense of my mental health, and that if I started cutting this out now then I'd be helping alleviate the root cause that drives me to do this & take drugs in the first place. I'm a little torn on this - does anyone have any thoughts on it?
4. Isolation. Unless I'm feeling really good - energetic, extroverted, motivated - then I will tend to stay alone. I have noticed time & time again in the past 9 days alone that when I'm forced to be around others - whether it be at work or the group I attended yesterday or whenever - I feel much better afterwards, even if I didn't want to go originally. I need to address this - I'm going to start making plans with people that I will follow through on, regardless of how I'm feeling.
These are the areas I'm going to focus on at the moment. I need to improve my situation - I'm trying not take on too much at once, so I'm trying to find a balance between engaging in healthy outlets that will help me in the long-run & not pressuring myself too much so that I don't stress myself out and lead to cravings. It's a fine line sometimes, but I think I'm making real progress.
Hope you are all doing good! Would love to hear from anyone, whether it be just to let me know how you are or give me your thoughts or anything. It's great to connect on this board, and I count myself lucky to have found it.