Glad to see your doing well
@Rio Fantastic.. I am still doing alright. I have been getting drug cravings today but the thought of doing any of the available substances I have at my disposal is repugnant.
I was on methadone for 10yrs and the transition from saturated receptors to naked receptors can be quite a shock. It was a positive in that I felt alive for the first time in years and no longer felt that I was in an apathetic fog of depression but I found myself having cravings for the first time in years. I had cravings on methadone but they were just dull intellectualized cravings but that turned into full on emotional, magnet, tar pit trap, cravings. That I felt with my whole body and soul, so just prepare to feel things that you thought you would no longer feel upon stopping.
Feeling very restless and I have a benign systemic tremor that is noticeable today. It always acts up in the wake of gaba drug consumption. I took the benzos almost 3 weeks ago but then they gave me librium for another week in lock up and I played with pheni a few times and then I drank yesterday. Gotta lay off all the miscellaneous garbage. I threw out the pheni which I am kinda regretting atm... Oh well for the best and I can always buy more. I can't wait till work starts again. I'm getting cabin fever. I got 3mths opiate clean and even just a few uses in January. Really proud of myself though I do need to get some more healthy outlets. This lockdown without socialization has shown me that. I hope you have a good day.
Really good to hear from you again, somni! I remember reading your post in the recovery thread - sounds like you had a pretty crazy time getting high on benzos, spiked with meth and arrested. Hope you got the crazy drug binge out of your system and now can you focus on sobriety!
I know it's not ideal, but I think the fact that you have gotten high on many substances that lower your inhibitions - benzos, phenibut, alcohol - and yet not taken opiates is a real testament to your commitment! For me, if I'm trying to do recovery but then I get fucked on diazepam, the first thing I'm looking for is heroin, so that's a sign of some internal progress I'd say. Obviously, you know that overall you'd be better off without taking the other drugs, but at least you aren't back at square 1 - 3 months off opiates is a really significant achievement, regardless of what else you're using.
You've actually triggered a memory for me when you're describing the opiate cravings post-methadone, especially when you clarified the distinction between purely cognitive cravings vs. the kind that seem to wrench your soul out of your chest with
need rather than just an abstract desire. I last tried to come off all opiates a couple of years ago, and reading your post I remember some of the opiate cravings I had, and how surprised I was at the difference in the type of craving I was experiencing compared to when I was on Subutex. I definitely have to bear that in mind so I don't jeopardize my sobriety, so I think after the reduction tomorrow I'm going to wait and see if I have a noticeable increase in cravings, and give myself a longer adjustment period before deciding to take it any lower/jump off, so thanks for jogging my memory, I really appreciate it.
ah rio i love the cheesy coming-out-of-lockdown-cocoon-as-a-butterly analogy. i'm glad that its actually making it psychologically easier to stay clean, cos you know you're not missing out on fun. i know what you mean though, when i was having to come up to my parents a lot when i was really bad, i would be driven mad knowing that my mates down in norwich were using. and that they'd have no money by the time i got back and need to sponge off me.
are you reducing by yourself then? can you not arrange with the drugs services to get 1mg tablets? cos it does sound risky. i know right now they're not doing daily scripts, so it might mean a delay. but is it not better to delay than risk fucking up? i'm guessing you don't have some accurate scales?
its definitely a good sign that you feel ready to reduce but do be careful. i have seen people relapse badly due to trying to reduce too quickly.
i really can't be arsed to work today. i was so desperate to get out of my parents before i moved out, now that my sister is here and i have somewhere else to go, i honestly think i'd be perfectly happy just living here and eating their food forever, i seem to have more that i want to do than i'll ever have time to, even when i can't leave the house!
Yeah, I'm reducing by myself. Since CGI is pushing Espranor so hard (I'm sure there's some kind of financial incentive for this, I can think of no other reason why they'd have every single service user swapped to this specific brand rather than generic) the lowest strength pill I can get is 2mg until I'm ready to do a quick detox over a couple of weeks where they swap me to a generic form using 0.2mg strength pills and do a rapid taper then go off. Unfortunately, the doctor at my local CGI believes that a dose lower than 2mg has "zero therapeutic value", & so whereas before I could take a lower dose, see how I felt, stay on that dose if necessary and reduce when I was ready, the new doctor's dogmatic opinion means that the only way I can go lower than 2mg is by committing to being off it entirely within a couple of weeks as part of her detox plan, rather than doing it when I'm ready and adjusting it based on how I feel. It's extremely irritating, especially considering I spent a long period in the past on 0.8mg and the difference between that and being completely sober was
enormous, and I tried to tell her that but she just repeated her insistence that "doses below 2mg have no therapeutic value".
I have to accept the world as I find it, though. Wishing that the doctor was different won't do me any good, so it just means that I'm having to do it by myself. I'm still on 2mg today and planning to reduce tomorrow, but I have been splitting my pill in the morning and I think as of this morning I've finally got the hang of it - found a way with a ruler and a razor to get a clean divide that looked bang on 50-50, so I'm going to be going down to 1mg tomorrow, but as somni reminded me of that difference in cravings I'll be staying at 1mg for a while, assuming my reduction is successful.
Hahahaha @ the whole grass is greener thing. When I lived at my Mum's I couldn't wait to move out, and though I do like living alone, whenever I have an empty fridge and £1 on my electric I can't help but wish I was still there sometimes! I think it's natural. What have you been doing to keep busy?? What don't you have the time to do?? I seem to have nothing but time to fill, so I'm actually a little jealous that you're managing to stay so busy!!
I went for a run today and did like 3 miles and it felt awesome. I'm really getting into running, I love the buzz that comes over me when I stop. I sat down on a bench in the park after I'd finished and was just suddenly struck by how beautiful the trees looked - though I'd been in the park for like an hour it was as if I hadn't actually
seen what was right in front of me until that tranquil energy came over me. It was a really beautiful moment. I'm having a good day today - I know from experience not to tell myself "OH GREAT IM CURED NO MORE MOOD SWINGS EVER AGAIN", especially when I'm only at day 18, since then when the depression does come it surprises me, but I am making the most of the days I do feel good and trying to make the most of them. Lockdown can go on for another 2 months and I wouldn't be unhappy - this has been the perfect opportunity to fix myself up! :D
