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rio i can't imagine how disheartening it must be to be on this merry go round. its encouraging to see you still trying, it shows a lot of determination and strength of character. a lot of people would probably give up years ago, because you haven't, you have a chance to get better.

are you getting any psychological help for the underlying reasons for your addiction? i've realised this past week i still have loads to work on.

i messaged you with the names of some rehabs that you can contact directly and potentially go to without having to go through drugs services. i honestly think its really worth some consideration, it would give you a kick start. you deserve a better life than this.

sorry i don't have much useful to say right now. i'm completely braindead.
 
Hi everyone!

9 days clean today. It feels insane to say, but this is now the longest sober period since I relapsed on February 3rd. Except for two stretches lasting less than a week, all of February flew by in the blink of an eye in a drug-induced haze, and now I'm emerging from that again and going through the disconcerting experience of having a crystal clear recollection of my 52 days clean and then a drug-shaped hole in my memory with just hazy fragments making up most of February. I can feel myself waking up again now - it's like coming out of a dream. That's what using gets like for me - like I'm on auto-pilot, not thinking past my next hit, sleepwalking through life.

I have been struggling these past few days - I've been really depressed. Still functioning - I can go to work, speak to my family & friends etc - but emotionally I've alternated between entirely disconnected & numb or despairing over my repeated failures to get clean. However, I've started exercising again as of yesterday and it's had a huge impact on my mood. I did some HIIT on a treadmill yesterday and lifted weights today, and even though - today especially - I didn't really feel like going, after I forced myself the difference in how I feel is black & white. My problems suddenly seem so much more manageable. The impact has been so dramatic that I've decided that every day I'm not working I will be exercising (not a huge commitment since I'm only working 2-3 days a week). The addict in me wants to exercise every single day, but I don't want to overdo it and I don't want to exhaust myself and then have to go and do an 8 hour shift.

I'm picking up the pieces again. There are some behaviors that I really need to change that are not conducive to my sobriety. They are:

1. Fantasizing about using. I've had this lingering fantasy of saving £1000, getting a giant amount of heroin and crack, and shutting myself away for a weekend going crazy. In this fantasy, the lapse would somehow be an isolated event that I'd have no problem stopping - obviously, in reality it doesn't work that way!

2. Reading trip reports/stories of active addiction/experience logs etc. I tend to do this when I'm having cravings, and it just adds fuel to the fire. I'm going to start making a conscious effort to instead shift my attention to something positive - stories of recovery, self-improvement, inspirational things rather than reading about people taking the substances that are destroying my life and mentally salivating at the thought of doing it myself.

3. Eating poorly. I tend to emotionally rely on junk food when I come off drugs - I will eat crazy amounts of chocolate, biscuits, cakes etc. - anything sugary/fatty - in the evenings to the point where I'm nauseous. I'm a little torn on this, since on the one hand I figure I should cut myself some slack since it's far better than drugs and that I can fix my diet when I'm a little more stable, but then I have to consider that this may be fueling my mood swings/depression and giving me temporary pleasure at the expense of my mental health, and that if I started cutting this out now then I'd be helping alleviate the root cause that drives me to do this & take drugs in the first place. I'm a little torn on this - does anyone have any thoughts on it?

4. Isolation. Unless I'm feeling really good - energetic, extroverted, motivated - then I will tend to stay alone. I have noticed time & time again in the past 9 days alone that when I'm forced to be around others - whether it be at work or the group I attended yesterday or whenever - I feel much better afterwards, even if I didn't want to go originally. I need to address this - I'm going to start making plans with people that I will follow through on, regardless of how I'm feeling.

These are the areas I'm going to focus on at the moment. I need to improve my situation - I'm trying not take on too much at once, so I'm trying to find a balance between engaging in healthy outlets that will help me in the long-run & not pressuring myself too much so that I don't stress myself out and lead to cravings. It's a fine line sometimes, but I think I'm making real progress.

Hope you are all doing good! Would love to hear from anyone, whether it be just to let me know how you are or give me your thoughts or anything. It's great to connect on this board, and I count myself lucky to have found it.
 
very glad you're still clean and putting some thought into whats missing rio.

the isolation thing i totally agree with. i just wanna sit at home on my own all the time and yet i notice that i'm so much more cheerful when i'm with other people. but then i'm also just thinking about when i can get home and be on my own not having to pretend to be a functioning human being.

also massively fantasising about using right now too, and i agree its not helpful. though realistically, even a grand is unlikely to last you a weekend, i smoked more than that in a day when i could, and it still never was enough.

i think journaling, including writing on here, is useful for sorting your brains. i kept a diary in early recovery. apparently there has been research showing people who write diaries are happier. though i'm not sure if thats the act of writing and thinking through your day, or just that people who aren't so shattered and just done with the day by the time its coming to an end that they can face writing about their day are happier.

i dunno. i'm probably not the best person to offer any insight i'm feeling really jaded about recovery right now. i got made to feel by many people that people would stop being utter shits in recovery, because i'd stop associating with hard drug users, and its not the case. and these people, my old housemate and my boss, don't even have the excuse of having little choice in their actions to justify their behaviour. and i really wanna buy stuff to fill this hole. and get more tattoos. and i can't afford any of it. i'm gonna let myself buy a new pair of shoes at the weekend though cos both my everyday pairs are falling apart. i'm getting a touch up for a tattoo in april and i'm hoping so bad that it'll kill so i can get a sweet natural endorphin hit. just seems sad and desperate.
 
chinup said:
very glad you're still clean and putting some thought into whats missing rio.

the isolation thing i totally agree with. i just wanna sit at home on my own all the time and yet i notice that i'm so much more cheerful when i'm with other people. but then i'm also just thinking about when i can get home and be on my own not having to pretend to be a functioning human being.

also massively fantasising about using right now too, and i agree its not helpful. though realistically, even a grand is unlikely to last you a weekend, i smoked more than that in a day when i could, and it still never was enough.

i think journaling, including writing on here, is useful for sorting your brains. i kept a diary in early recovery. apparently there has been research showing people who write diaries are happier. though i'm not sure if thats the act of writing and thinking through your day, or just that people who aren't so shattered and just done with the day by the time its coming to an end that they can face writing about their day are happier.

i dunno. i'm probably not the best person to offer any insight i'm feeling really jaded about recovery right now. i got made to feel by many people that people would stop being utter shits in recovery, because i'd stop associating with hard drug users, and its not the case. and these people, my old housemate and my boss, don't even have the excuse of having little choice in their actions to justify their behaviour. and i really wanna buy stuff to fill this hole. and get more tattoos. and i can't afford any of it. i'm gonna let myself buy a new pair of shoes at the weekend though cos both my everyday pairs are falling apart. i'm getting a touch up for a tattoo in april and i'm hoping so bad that it'll kill so i can get a sweet natural endorphin hit. just seems sad and desperate.
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That isn't sad or desperate at all chinup - it's a pretty rational solution to the way you're feeling, and one that won't hurt you in the long-run or damage your life. Everyone is looking for those sweet dopamine/endorphin hits, it's just that our addiction has made it crystal clear to us that that's what we're looking for, whereas people who haven't had serious addictions just know that sometimes they feel good and they strive to replicate that as much as possible. We see the neurochemistry underpinning it, because drug addiction made us sensitive to it by showing us what an overload feels like and then what next to none feels like. If anything I think we're the realistic ones - it may seem reductionist to strip everything back to a handful of chemicals in the brain, but our experience shows us that we can be in awful situations and feel incredible or in fantastic situations and feel like dying - no matter what the situation is, if our brain-state isn't aligned with our circumstances then our brain wins out every time in governing our perception. Does that make sense??

I keep a journal while I'm sober, as well as writing on here. I think it definitely helps organize your thoughts and force you to think a little more objectively about your situation. I enjoy the discipline of it, and I like being able to look back at day in my life to look at what I was thinking & feeling & doing. It's especially helpful since I'm so used to losing giant chunks of time to drugs, so being able to look back on my sober time and know how I've been spending my life is a big plus.

The line about getting home where you don't have to pretend to be a functioning human being is something I can relate with, 100%. It's a little tiring having to pretend to be normal when you're a mess on the inside. That's why I often feel like I don't ever truly relax unless I'm with other addicts who understand, because then I can drop the front and just say where I'm at and how I'm feeling.

What's going on with the people in your life??? What are they doing that's upsetting you?? I hope that you stay strong despite the assholes in your life - you're a great person and it'd be a real shame if you let some wankers drag you down.
 
How you doing rio sory not talk to you for a while been in the states . Back in the uk for a week thought i see how everyone doing. Will have a read through of your thread tonight
 
Bruv all can do is keep at it dont think of your past clean time think of the clean time now. It can be done you will get there . How your relationship with your mum and brother
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Hi everyone!

9 days clean today. It feels insane to say, but this is now the longest sober period since I relapsed on February 3rd. Except for two stretches lasting less than a week, all of February flew by in the blink of an eye in a drug-induced haze, and now I'm emerging from that again and going through the disconcerting experience of having a crystal clear recollection of my 52 days clean and then a drug-shaped hole in my memory with just hazy fragments making up most of February. I can feel myself waking up again now - it's like coming out of a dream. That's what using gets like for me - like I'm on auto-pilot, not thinking past my next hit, sleepwalking through life.

I have been struggling these past few days - I've been really depressed. Still functioning - I can go to work, speak to my family & friends etc - but emotionally I've alternated between entirely disconnected & numb or despairing over my repeated failures to get clean. However, I've started exercising again as of yesterday and it's had a huge impact on my mood. I did some HIIT on a treadmill yesterday and lifted weights today, and even though - today especially - I didn't really feel like going, after I forced myself the difference in how I feel is black & white. My problems suddenly seem so much more manageable. The impact has been so dramatic that I've decided that every day I'm not working I will be exercising (not a huge commitment since I'm only working 2-3 days a week). The addict in me wants to exercise every single day, but I don't want to overdo it and I don't want to exhaust myself and then have to go and do an 8 hour shift.

I'm picking up the pieces again. There are some behaviors that I really need to change that are not conducive to my sobriety. They are:

1. Fantasizing about using. I've had this lingering fantasy of saving £1000, getting a giant amount of heroin and crack, and shutting myself away for a weekend going crazy. In this fantasy, the lapse would somehow be an isolated event that I'd have no problem stopping - obviously, in reality it doesn't work that way!

2. Reading trip reports/stories of active addiction/experience logs etc. I tend to do this when I'm having cravings, and it just adds fuel to the fire. I'm going to start making a conscious effort to instead shift my attention to something positive - stories of recovery, self-improvement, inspirational things rather than reading about people taking the substances that are destroying my life and mentally salivating at the thought of doing it myself.

3. Eating poorly. I tend to emotionally rely on junk food when I come off drugs - I will eat crazy amounts of chocolate, biscuits, cakes etc. - anything sugary/fatty - in the evenings to the point where I'm nauseous. I'm a little torn on this, since on the one hand I figure I should cut myself some slack since it's far better than drugs and that I can fix my diet when I'm a little more stable, but then I have to consider that this may be fueling my mood swings/depression and giving me temporary pleasure at the expense of my mental health, and that if I started cutting this out now then I'd be helping alleviate the root cause that drives me to do this & take drugs in the first place. I'm a little torn on this - does anyone have any thoughts on it?

4. Isolation. Unless I'm feeling really good - energetic, extroverted, motivated - then I will tend to stay alone. I have noticed time & time again in the past 9 days alone that when I'm forced to be around others - whether it be at work or the group I attended yesterday or whenever - I feel much better afterwards, even if I didn't want to go originally. I need to address this - I'm going to start making plans with people that I will follow through on, regardless of how I'm feeling.

These are the areas I'm going to focus on at the moment. I need to improve my situation - I'm trying not take on too much at once, so I'm trying to find a balance between engaging in healthy outlets that will help me in the long-run & not pressuring myself too much so that I don't stress myself out and lead to cravings. It's a fine line sometimes, but I think I'm making real progress.

Hope you are all doing good! Would love to hear from anyone, whether it be just to let me know how you are or give me your thoughts or anything. It's great to connect on this board, and I count myself lucky to have found it.
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Eat whatever gives you a lift brother you will have loads of time to sort your diet out . We are a social species so going out and meeting friends will always give us a lift. Heroin was always a lonely habit for me it made me a bit of a hermit would love nothing better then wife taking kids out on the weekend and just getting fucked and falling asleep with headphones in or watching a documentry will nodding off. As soon as we stop it leaves a big hole where all of a sudden being alone is boring.Go out mate keep appointments to see your mates we break so many when on the gear its good to keep to them. In the states i have started reading wifes yoga books and trying it . I do it on my own because i feel a right knob trying to do some but you know what it is really good im enjoying it more the the punch bag and i love bag work. Untill you out the woods take it in your own time i lknow work has to be done but other things take at your own pace . This a new start for your life there a lot of time before the finish lots of time to eat healthy make money have a life partner its not a race remember that bruv
 
yubacity said:
Eat whatever gives you a lift brother you will have loads of time to sort your diet out . We are a social species so going out and meeting friends will always give us a lift. Heroin was always a lonely habit for me it made me a bit of a hermit would love nothing better then wife taking kids out on the weekend and just getting fucked and falling asleep with headphones in or watching a documentry will nodding off. As soon as we stop it leaves a big hole where all of a sudden being alone is boring.Go out mate keep appointments to see your mates we break so many when on the gear its good to keep to them. In the states i have started reading wifes yoga books and trying it . I do it on my own because i feel a right knob trying to do some but you know what it is really good im enjoying it more the the punch bag and i love bag work. Untill you out the woods take it in your own time i lknow work has to be done but other things take at your own pace . This a new start for your life there a lot of time before the finish lots of time to eat healthy make money have a life partner its not a race remember that bruv
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Yuba!! It's so great to hear from you, man. How's things in the USA?? Have you managed to avoid the opiates/speed over there? (I remember you were worried about that before you went). What's been going on for you bro?? Yoga is something I've been thinking of trying for a long while - I've just got back into the gym, been going every day I'm not at work alternating lifting weights with doing interval sprinting on the treadmill and have been really enjoying it - the buzz afterwards is awesome, and I love being able to get a buzz that's actually healthy for me and not something that will destroy me.

Thanks a lot for your advice mate. You're right about seeing people and the time I have left. Reading your reply has actually changed my perspective - I'm getting so bogged down in the days that I'm not thinking of the big picture. I've been clean for 11 days and I have my whole life ahead of me, it's pointless beating myself up for not having everything perfect already.

Things are improving with my mum and my brother as of these last couple of days. My mum was really upset by my last relapse because I was lying to her through it all, and when she found out she felt betrayed & hurt, understandably. I tried to explain that it wasn't personal and I wasn't trying to hurt her and it's taken some time for her to trust that I'm doing OK again, but I think she's starting to see it now and we're on good terms again. It can only get better the longer I'm sober.

It's so great to hear from you again yuba, I've missed talking to someone who's addiction was so similar to mine as well as your positivity. I'll never forget your thread - the constant struggles with relapsing that I related to so much and then you coming out the other side of it after enduring hell, it's great just to know that it can be done.
 
How you doing bruv im back in the UK for a week so thought I message on here. I'm doing really good bruv still clean got a little one on the way end of April so looking forward to it finally getting here. Really want to be a proper dad this time not letting things pass as a blur. Great news you on day 11 my brother you have got to the point I had just sick of physical addiction. You only have to go through my thread and know that when you got to the point I and you have that no matter how many times we slip evenyually you will get there. Thing about your mum is she never been an addict to heroin so thinks you hurt her but you got to get your point across that being an addict means we lie to ourselves as well as our nearest and dearest. Like I said it's not a race and if you keep thinking you will get your life reset in a certain time frame thats more pressure you put on yourself more chance of failing to meet your targets cause you to get disappointed and triggering a relapse. Take your time bro to think months not days. As an addict, you stood still now your clean even if it takes a while let it just stay focused. The good thing about the USA is i would never trust their gear bruv its not even proper gear it's mixed with so much shit that I would not risk doing it. The good thing in California which my home state weed is legal to get really good weed here. They don't like the fact i smoke spliffs, not joints got used to spliffs in uk plus at night i eat some edibles I sleep like a baby. Got my lorry license in states my old man has retired and handed his trucking company to me and my brothers I don't drive a lorry much I dispatch the loads so can smoke weed at work. Bruv try yoga it helps so much with my anxiety I think it is good for you. Keep at it my brother don't let shit get you down look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and think how good is it that my day is not going to revolve around heroin. Like you said our addictions are similar so you know you can be where im at this moment happy content and tell you the truth fucking loving life. Fuck all that heroin of I can remember 13 fucking years waking up sweating needing to smoke some gear just to have the energy to shower and get ready for work the lying the loneliness even thou I had my wife I was still lonely inside hating myself because im an addict fuck that. Keep exercising dont think that having a thousand pounds you could smoke crack and heroin for a weekend like you wrote on here. Truth is we can never have the odd weekend crack and heroin bender it will lead to getting hooked again. I hardly ever crave now i have gone back to my mellow ways and my wife deserves a fucking medal she a good looking women from a good family she could have married a banker doctor so on but she stuck with me through thick and thin . You will get there bruv you will get threw the shit and come out the other end stronger then the average person because you been to hell and back .
 
Rio bruv after the baby me and my family coming to the uk for six weeks during the kids holidays . We hook up bruv go for a munch wanna see you in person . Just start going out with you buddys who not addicts and keep busy working out is good keep at it . You will find it becomes a addiction but a good one at the moment just enjoy being clean even your. worse day clean means more then your best day on the gear it is possible look the mess i was in and you will know you can do it m,ake your mum proud my brother
 
yubacity said:
Rio bruv after the baby me and my family coming to the uk for six weeks during the kids holidays . We hook up bruv go for a munch wanna see you in person . Just start going out with you buddys who not addicts and keep busy working out is good keep at it . You will find it becomes a addiction but a good one at the moment just enjoy being clean even your. worse day clean means more then your best day on the gear it is possible look the mess i was in and you will know you can do it m,ake your mum proud my brother
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That sounds great man! Would be awesome to finally meet you in person! Congratulations on the baby on the way! Do you know if you're getting a son or daughter yet or you leaving it for a surprise? You're totally right about your wife as well - I'm sure you, like me, know plenty of junkies who've lost their partners through their addiction, especially when their SO doesn't do any kind of drugs, and they can't blame them, but I bet your wife is overjoyed now that you've come out the other side of it and she can see you clean & happy.

I really like your suggestion about looking in the mirror every morning and thinking about how much better my life is now that it doesn't revolve around drugs. I've actually just done that after reading your suggestion and it helps to put things into perspective. When I was using I couldn't even bear to look at myself in the mirror - I'd always be a mess, pale, stick-thin, greasy skin, unkempt and I'd look like such a junkie that I wouldn't even bother to glance at it. It's good that I can look myself in the eye again now and hold my head up because I'm working on living the life I want to live.

Been to the gym again today - presumably because of corona it was practically deserted so I didn't have to wait for the bench like I usually do which was nice. On the way back I bumped into a girl that I'd only met once before and that's when I was high as fuck off a speedball, and just seeing her again made me remember what that buzz was like and it was enough to almost make me crave it, but then I thought about how much better my life has gotten in just these past 12 days and all the time I've wasted on drugs and it was enough to put the thought out of my mind. I know that I'm probably going to have thoughts & cravings like that for a long time, but I think I'm slowly learning how to deal with them and I'm sure that the more I practice dismissing them the easier it will get.
 
How you doing bro day 12 congrats glad to hanging in there still working out thats good. I popped down my old gym today paodf as a visitor there was no one there had the sauna steam to myself. Think country proper into lockdown hope flights back to states don't get affected. Memories will make you crave took me ages to start enjoying music tv without thinking this be better if I was fucked. The best thing to do in those moments is to think the bad shit that went along the great buzz kind of puts it in perspective . Regarding the baby we never find out the sex we love the surprise. My wife she is the best even thou i was a functioning addict she still had to see the shit my addiction brought into our marriage. I have to thank her for making me promise her that i would never inject that proberly saved my life my greed for a bigger buzz that little bit more would have proberly fucked me up . Smoking it you could only get so fucked would be fucking hard to od . Like you once said that one promise saved me a lot of bother . I still do crave still have dreams im using think that will always be there. But im here my pal i see him still using and instead of it making me cluck i now feel sorry for him . Just remember it does get better you can escape its grip but you cant be around people who wont hesitate to give you some people out there do get jealous that they still in the grip of addiction and you not so will be happy to see you slip. Keep well my brother
 
Bruv people in the UK are losing the plot over this virus. I went to Tesco today no rice no pasta kitchen loo roll handwash fuck me people just panic buying. Went to Indian butchers even chappati flour has run out. Brought some lamb for a lamb curry tonight and came home not once did I think of buying poppy pods ground he sells them shows how far I have come. When I first quit going to Indian butchers used to be mental gymnastics for me knowing he sold ground poppy pods
 
yubacity said:
Bruv people in the UK are losing the plot over this virus. I went to Tesco today no rice no pasta kitchen loo roll handwash fuck me people just panic buying. Went to Indian butchers even chappati flour has run out. Brought some lamb for a lamb curry tonight and came home not once did I think of buying poppy pods ground he sells them shows how far I have come. When I first quit going to Indian butchers used to be mental gymnastics for me knowing he sold ground poppy pods
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Just shows how much your life has changed!

and yeah, its insane! I feel like we're on the brink of something. I sense the hysteria and see the effects of the panic, but then when I go about my day everything is exactly the same. It's kind of surreal. Is shit going to get crazier than just having to go to a couple of stores to get toilet roll? I don't know why so many people are panicking - we keep being told that unless you're elderly or unhealthy you don't have to worry about it, but based on all the supermarkets running out of everything it seems that it's not just the vulnerable who are panicking but an awful lot of people who even if they got it, would be fine. Do people think the government/NHS is lying to them and the virus is going to be much worse than they're being told? Or is it just cyclical with people panic buying because they hear people are panic buying and they don't want to go without essentials? Crazy situation to be in.

I'm doing pretty good though. I'm trying to prepare myself for when the depression and real cravings hit. I've had thoughts here & there, but I know it can get MUCH worse than what I've had, so I'm just trying to prepare myself for when that happens so that I don't get a false sense of security.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
Do people think the government/NHS is lying to them and the virus is going to be much worse than they're being told? Or is it just cyclical with people panic buying because they hear people are panic buying and they don't want to go without essentials? Crazy situation to be in.
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i don't think we're being particularly lied to, though the governments response is disgusting. the reason people who personally wouldn't be in too much danger if they caught the virus need to be careful is due to the risk of transmission to the vulnerable. in italy at the moment people are dying purely for lack of intensive care beds. if we slow the spread as much as possible, then when vlunerable people do get sick, there is more likely to be able to get a bed and appropriate care. so if we all take care not to spread the disease, by behaving as though we are asymptomatic carriers, hundreds of thousands of lives may be saved by reducing the load on the NHS at a given point in time.

glad you're doing good rio. what are you doing to keep yourself occupied?
 
Bro i been in bed two days with the flu if its the virus hopefully i been immune now. Did the right thing not going out my pal that rents my house showing signs of flu we were sharing same weed pipe so he got it. The fever has broken this not that mild its quite a fucker.. your doing well which is good news and never let your guard down ive had mad cravings while fuc ked with this virus.This fucking thing 30 years i wait for liverpool to win title and this virus fucks it up
 
How you doing rio hope all is good .Hope your holding strong .This fucking virus got me trapped in the uk with its shitty weed .Can you believe i brought some today at 10 quid a gram tell you what UK should make it legal . Every time im back and have to think of weed as not legal makes no sense.
 
How you doing rio getting a little worried you not be on. here for a while hope you doing good and have been busy with this virus and all the shit that come with it and not relapsed. Its fucked out there but think the goverment been good. We employ about 20 full time staff we sent them home because weddings and receptions being put back . My partner cheaking all the facts but looks like the goverment will pay 80 per cent of their wages and we will cover the other 20 per cent . We both had a chat last night and thought fuck it even if goverment dont give shit we will just have to pay their wages through our savings . Not sounding all mr good but these are our friends aswell they work fucking hard and we wont see them go under. One of our staff just had a kid got 1200 pound mortgage . He came to see my cousin and was nearly in tears about what will happen. I never liked the conservatives always labour but if they do what they say then have to give them a big thank you if not will tell my wife start fucking watching our expenses . Thing is my cash flow was already low with buying house in states get all the shit that goes in it a car for me and one for wife plus no nhs in states so baby could end up costing us a bit we lucky where she doe accounts for my father in laws farming buisness in states we got health care . But bro with all that shit going on one less worry is having to fund my habbit so a little light in the dark there. Stay strong bro
 
If only i had saved the 40 grand wages i got from outside job all those years instead on smoking it on tin foil would have had nearly 400 000 quid doing nothing instead of a few good times and a lot of pain
 
Rio how you doing bruv . Not heard from you for a bit let us know how you doing good or bad bro
 
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