Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[MrsGamp]

How's it going chinup??

I actually did talk to my friend on Facebook - decided against actually going to see him since he already has his girlfriend staying with him and since he lives in a shared building I figure it's more responsible that I just talk to him virtually. I had to really force myself to even just do that - yesterday was a really trying day for some reason. I had zero energy, despite getting plenty of sleep the night before, and I was so fatigued that I had to stop myself falling asleep throughout the day. I don't think it was purely physical, since it was accompanied by a really low mood. I managed to avoid having any overt cravings by going over some quotes I've collected for sobriety inspiration and watching some Youtube recovery channels, and I'm really glad I got through it because I feel SO much better today. The difference is so dramatic, and it's yet another reminder for me that when I feel bad it never lasts long.

I went for a run this morning in the sun. I am increasing the amount I go each time and I think I finally broke through to the "Runners high" today - when I stopped running I just had this immediate wave of relief and contentment coursing through me, like a much much milder version of H. I really enjoyed it - it took quite a lot of running to get there, but to get a natural buzz (and no comedown! :D) was awesome - going to try and get there again tomorrow.

I relate about wanting to avoid your friends, especially given those circumstances. He must not have been a drug addict if he didn't notice you smoking that much crack while you were with him, right? If you're doing the whole NA thing then I imagine you're going to have to talk to him at some point and admit it all and make an amend, right? If not then is there anything stopping you from just being friendly with them and not talking about how you were before until you're ready? To be honest though, I think most people in rehab end up drifting apart afterwards, no matter how close you get when you're in there. When I came out of rehab and moved in with the people from there, we all thought we'd be in touch forever, but when a few weeks later we had all gone through the ringer of addiction our friendships seemed a lot less solid!

Happy Easter!

Hey have not read all your posts yet, but I really like this thread and your journal too!

I am extraordinarily depressed myself right now unless I take dexies. I am on 2 anti-depressants, plus alcohol, plus pretty much anything I can get my hands on in the pharmaceutical department ... I have despaired of ever being free of my habits at present. I only hope to make them manageable. In particular I need to avoid alcohol.

Anyway, back to you ... your very first post, in which you mentioned bipolar, struck a chord. My best friend had bipolar and committed suicide in 2003. I miss her so much still...

I am sure I am not the only person to bring up this point ... Don't take it the wrong way. But if you relapse, well - you relapse ... not the end of the world ... but with heroin it is so dangerous to use after a period of abstinence! Two of my cousins died from ODs after detoxing. One hadn't used for a few months, the other not for years. Please please be careful with that. It is very easy to overestimate your tolerance with a heroin relapse.

I'm sure you know all this, but please please be careful!

You seem like such an intelligent, eloquent person. Keep up your "cliche recovery journal"!!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey rio how you doing? i really hope everything is ok.

i did have a look for literature on low dose subutex, and didn't find anything specifically mentioning doses below 2mg, but plenty of evidence suggesting slow-ish tapers are good, which by necessity include doses below 2mg.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey everyone.

Quick update. I'm 3 days clean from a 3 week relapse. This relapse spiralled so far out of control. It's honestly a miracle I wasn't arrested during it, the shit I was pulling was insanely reckless. The depression has been brutal these past couple days, but today I'm starting to feel a little glimmer of what it's like to feel human again. I can't wait to be back where I was before relapsing.

The reason I relapsed has given me an insight into a really toxic part of my personality that I need to excise. I can get into a really dangerous mindset where I resent sober people who are happy. I was with a friend of mine who has a husband & daughter and watching their normal domestic life filled me with this intense jealousy that spiralled into intense cravings. I need to stop this. I need to strive to achieve a normal life rather than keep sabotaging it by relapsing, so here I am giving it another go. Again. I'll either get clean or die trying. I'll never stop trying to stop.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

 

[yubacity]

How you doing brother . I was thinking you relapsed fuck it it happened start again. I still resent normal people they have one less battle then us all fucking happy while our minds are trying to fuck us up.But it is what it is dont count days just get up and fight you have to no other way . My year of the gear coming up i only know the month because after i stopped counting days i felt a pressure come of and it made it easier.Im a father again bruv a baby girl so happy . Keep at it its hard but not impossible

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad to see you back Rio!!

one thing I would say, try and make sure you're engaging with SMART and the drugs services as much as possible under the current circumstances. if the police catch up to you, that will help. the police caught up to me on my 3rd day in rehab, i was obviously guilty as hell but they dropped the charges against me because they recognised it would be detrimental to my recovery. i think, my parents liased with them which is for the best cos i'd have fucked myself over,and that's what they said. if you have people to back you up that you are committed to your recovery you can hopefully leverage that if anything happens.

i totally get the jealosy over people with 'normal' lives. i get that too, i try not to think about it cos it doesn't get anywhere. even if i hadn't got addicted to drugs, all the shit that's happened to me, i wouldn't be capable of a normal life without huge amounts of therapy. i get really resentful over people my age who are comfortable financially, because there is no realistic prospect of me getting into that position unless my parents die without needing hugely expensive end of life care, and even then it'll hopefully be decades til that point. i was comfortable before i got on the light. i get so jealous of people being able to just buy stuff without stressing, and make savings, i'm saving nothing since my housemate moved out and i took over the whole cost.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing brother . I was thinking you relapsed fuck it it happened start again. I still resent normal people they have one less battle then us all fucking happy while our minds are trying to fuck us up.But it is what it is dont count days just get up and fight you have to no other way . My year of the gear coming up i only know the month because after i stopped counting days i felt a pressure come of and it made it easier.Im a father again bruv a baby girl so happy . Keep at it its hard but not impossible

Congratulations!! That's amazing. And you're clean for it as well! Incredible!! You're killing it yuba. What's her name??

glad to see you back Rio!!

one thing I would say, try and make sure you're engaging with SMART and the drugs services as much as possible under the current circumstances. if the police catch up to you, that will help. the police caught up to me on my 3rd day in rehab, i was obviously guilty as hell but they dropped the charges against me because they recognised it would be detrimental to my recovery. i think, my parents liased with them which is for the best cos i'd have fucked myself over,and that's what they said. if you have people to back you up that you are committed to your recovery you can hopefully leverage that if anything happens.

i totally get the jealosy over people with 'normal' lives. i get that too, i try not to think about it cos it doesn't get anywhere. even if i hadn't got addicted to drugs, all the shit that's happened to me, i wouldn't be capable of a normal life without huge amounts of therapy. i get really resentful over people my age who are comfortable financially, because there is no realistic prospect of me getting into that position unless my parents die without needing hugely expensive end of life care, and even then it'll hopefully be decades til that point. i was comfortable before i got on the light. i get so jealous of people being able to just buy stuff without stressing, and make savings, i'm saving nothing since my housemate moved out and i took over the whole cost.

Thanks chinup. I'm pretty certain I've gotten away with it all this time. In the future I may not be so lucky. I had the mindset of "Best case scenario I get to use, worst case scenario I pop my subutex and spend a day in the cells -who cares?". Trying to imagine now how I'd feel sober with charges hanging over my head has made me so thankful that I was lucky this time. How have you been?

I'm on day 6 clean again today. Had a 3 day lapse but didn't extend it, and the first 3 days were so awful that I'm trying to use that memory whenever I get cravings. I haven't been feeling great even these past couple of days, but I am going through the motions and waiting for my emotions to catch up with my behavior. I know it takes a while for the positive things I'm doing to start being reflected in how I feel, but at least I'm putting one foot in front of the other again.

 

[nznity]

Congratulations!! That's amazing. And you're clean for it as well! Incredible!! You're killing it yuba. What's her name??



Thanks chinup. I'm pretty certain I've gotten away with it all this time. In the future I may not be so lucky. I had the mindset of "Best case scenario I get to use, worst case scenario I pop my subutex and spend a day in the cells -who cares?". Trying to imagine now how I'd feel sober with charges hanging over my head has made me so thankful that I was lucky this time. How have you been?

I'm on day 6 clean again today. Had a 3 day lapse but didn't extend it, and the first 3 days were so awful that I'm trying to use that memory whenever I get cravings. I haven't been feeling great even these past couple of days, but I am going through the motions and waiting for my emotions to catch up with my behavior. I know it takes a while for the positive things I'm doing to start being reflected in how I feel, but at least I'm putting one foot in front of the other again.

it's taken me 6 months to get off an IV morphine habit, i've been relapsing and quitting several times in that span of time. I'm finally fucking 15 days clean man, it takes a while but eventually you'll get there. If i could do it, you can aswell. Stay safe and keep going strong :D

 

[Rio Fantastic]

it's taken me 6 months to get off an IV morphine habit, i've been relapsing and quitting several times in that span of time. I'm finally fucking 15 days clean man, it takes a while but eventually you'll get there. If i could do it, you can aswell. Stay safe and keep going strong :D

Thanks, and congrats on 15 days! Are you totally sober or taking subs/methadone?

Day 7 today. I've had to bail on some plans to see a friend today, since 95% of the time I've ever spent with him we've ended up getting high. He insisted he just wanted to hang out and not take drugs, but I don't feel strong enough in myself to know that I'd be able to turn down the offer if he made it, so I've ended up cancelling. I shouldn't feel bad about this, but I do - whenever I turn down anyone, no matter how good the reason, I feel a little guilty about it, and I don't know why. I need to be selfish in recovery, especially so early on. I'm definitely getting less sad compared to how I was a few days ago, and I'm encouraged that it was day 7 last time I lapsed and I'm pretty sure I'll get through today and get a step closer to freedom than I was before.

 

[nznity]

Thanks, and congrats on 15 days! Are you totally sober or taking subs/methadone?

Day 7 today. I've had to bail on some plans to see a friend today, since 95% of the time I've ever spent with him we've ended up getting high. He insisted he just wanted to hang out and not take drugs, but I don't feel strong enough in myself to know that I'd be able to turn down the offer if he made it, so I've ended up cancelling. I shouldn't feel bad about this, but I do - whenever I turn down anyone, no matter how good the reason, I feel a little guilty about it, and I don't know why. I need to be selfish in recovery, especially so early on. I'm definitely getting less sad compared to how I was a few days ago, and I'm encouraged that it was day 7 last time I lapsed and I'm pretty sure I'll get through today and get a step closer to freedom than I was before.

totally SOBER man, i quit with the aid of loperamide gabapentin and clonazepam. Oh and a shit ton of crack cocaine to take the edge off for a few hrs almost everyday. The lockdown brought something positive to my life, if it wasn't for that I think i would still be using.

 

[nznity]

Thanks, and congrats on 15 days! Are you totally sober or taking subs/methadone?

Day 7 today. I've had to bail on some plans to see a friend today, since 95% of the time I've ever spent with him we've ended up getting high. He insisted he just wanted to hang out and not take drugs, but I don't feel strong enough in myself to know that I'd be able to turn down the offer if he made it, so I've ended up cancelling. I shouldn't feel bad about this, but I do - whenever I turn down anyone, no matter how good the reason, I feel a little guilty about it, and I don't know why. I need to be selfish in recovery, especially so early on. I'm definitely getting less sad compared to how I was a few days ago, and I'm encouraged that it was day 7 last time I lapsed and I'm pretty sure I'll get through today and get a step closer to freedom than I was before.

First is YOU, 2nd YOU, 3rd YOU then comes the rest. You shouldn't feel bad for not being able to hang out with your friend, that is your mind trying to trick you into using man. That shit's happened to me before aswell. Like srsly if he's a real friend he'll understand and actually help you by not hanging out with you since he's a relapse factor. Just keep going, take 1 day at a time. I'm doing the same.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

totally SOBER man, i quit with the aid of loperamide gabapentin and clonazepam. Oh and a shit ton of crack cocaine to take the edge off for a few hrs almost everyday. The lockdown brought something positive to my life, if it wasn't for that I think i would still be using.

Jesus! The most awful intolerable drug-related experiences of my life were me taking crack before I'd had any heroin in the day and having none to hand. The mixture of crack comedown and the start of heroin withdrawal was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life! Glad it worked for you though. Are you still taking the meds?

 

[nznity]

Jesus! The most awful intolerable drug-related experiences of my life were me taking crack before I'd had any heroin in the day and having none to hand. The mixture of crack comedown and the start of heroin withdrawal was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life! Glad it worked for you though. Are you still taking the meds?

Not really, some days when i Wanna chill I'll take 2mg clonaz but not everyday. I'm completely clean xp

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey rio! how you enjoying the sunshine? i assume if its glorious up here everywhere to the south must be too? got the day off work, and tomorrow, to play the new xenoblade, which was released on Friday, but managed to get out for a run this morning.

i'm glad you got away with it. its nuts your brain will justify anything when you need to score, i felt so entitled to other peoples stuff, that they had probably had to save up for (and for the most part i technically didn't steal anything lol, got other people to do that, i located stuff for them to steal and sold it on). got some karma getting my bass guitar stolen, really made me realise what actually i had been doing.

nzn- how on earth did you smoke crack for 'a few hours a day' and not end up smoking crack continuously?!?!? like for years i was able to have the odd crack binge and be fine once i'd stopped, but as soon as i started smoking every day that was it for me, i was going down and fast. and cos i was spending so much on light i didn't even bother trying not to have a dark habit, or keeping the dark to a reasonable level, because the amount that was costing me was inconsequential compared to the crack.

 

[nznity]

hey rio! how you enjoying the sunshine? i assume if its glorious up here everywhere to the south must be too? got the day off work, and tomorrow, to play the new xenoblade, which was released on Friday, but managed to get out for a run this morning.

i'm glad you got away with it. its nuts your brain will justify anything when you need to score, i felt so entitled to other peoples stuff, that they had probably had to save up for (and for the most part i technically didn't steal anything lol, got other people to do that, i located stuff for them to steal and sold it on). got some karma getting my bass guitar stolen, really made me realise what actually i had been doing.

nzn- how on earth did you smoke crack for 'a few hours a day' and not end up smoking crack continuously?!?!? like for years i was able to have the odd crack binge and be fine once i'd stopped, but as soon as i started smoking every day that was it for me, i was going down and fast. and cos i was spending so much on light i didn't even bother trying not to have a dark habit, or keeping the dark to a reasonable level, because the amount that was costing me was inconsequential compared to the crack.

I live in Peru, cocaine is super mega cheap down here. I only smoke like 10 hits then i take a clonaz and leave it. Since it's always readily available i never really crave it. That and the fact that when you smoke too much you get diminishing returns so there's no point on wasting that much money on crack. Only the first hits are super nice.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I spoke too soon! I thought I'd got away with what I did during my relapse, but one has come back to bite me. I owed a guy £80 who was arrested two days later. This has happened before, so I obviously thought "Great, £80 extra in my pocket". Even though he was arrested for armed robbery, somehow he's out. I don't know if he's on bail or what, but a couple people and now a Facebook post have confirmed it. He tried to call me last night but I was asleep, but I know that he is going to be contacting me now for the £80. Since he was arrested for a relatively serious crime I honestly thought I didn't have to worry about that debt anymore! Stupid me. Is it typical to get bail if you're a repeat offender and have been arrested for armed robbery!? I've only ever been picked up on minor shoplifting chargers so I don't know how it works for more serious crimes.

Regardless, I now have to somehow try to find £80 to pay this guy back. I'd like to think he will be keeping his head down considering his circumstances, but the guy is a psycho so I can't rely on that. It would have been my first priority to pay him had this not have happened because he is NOT the kind of guy you want to owe money to. Not because he's connected or anything but just because the guy is a crazy impulsive psycho, and I know he's fucked people up for much less in the past. I really should have held onto the £80 until I knew for sure that he had been put away or not, but since this all happened during my relapse I didn't think it through.

I was actually starting to feel better until this happened, now it's all I can think about. It's stressing me out to no end. The next time I actually get paid is the week after next but I doubt he will be happy to hear that. Unless my family help me (I really hate asking them but I'm not sure where else to turn at the moment) then I really don't know what I'll do. I'm considering shoplifting, which is how I made money when I relapsed. It's not the kind of thing I'd ever usually do sober - I've never stolen anything when I'm off drugs, in my life - but if it's a choice between risk facing the police or risk facing this guy, I'll risk the police every time. The problem is since I've never done it sober I can already imagine that I'll be much more anxious than I am when I usually do it. I'm usually on heroin without a care in the world - I'm concerned that anxiety of doing it clean will lead to me fucking it up.

I'll have to cross these bridges when I come to them. Just when I thought I was putting my relapse behind me, all this pops up. I'm trying not to be self-pitying because I caused all of this, so I'm trying my best to look at it objectively for solutions, but all my mind wants to think about since finding out about it is getting high to stop me worrying about it. I was so, so close to giving in last night. I'm really glad I didn't since then today I'd not only owe £80 to the guy I mentioned before but also £20 to a dealer on top of that, and it'd just make the situation worse, but I honestly had to grit my teeth and white-knuckle through some of the cravings that hit me. It got as far as when you get the butterflies in your chest at the thought of using and it fills you with that excitement/anticipation, which is usually a point I don't come back from until I've lapsed, but last night I made it through. Once the excitement of the concept died down after I had decided I wasn't going to use no matter what, it was replaced with this depressed feeling. This morning I woke up and briefly forgot all about this situation, then it hit me again and the stress started up.

I'll be seeing my family tomorrow and will see if they can help me. I feel a little better now I've got all that off my chest. I'm trying to keep focused on the bigger picture and have some faith that in a few weeks none of this will matter and that I'll find a resolution.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

hey rio! how you enjoying the sunshine? i assume if its glorious up here everywhere to the south must be too? got the day off work, and tomorrow, to play the new xenoblade, which was released on Friday, but managed to get out for a run this morning.

i'm glad you got away with it. its nuts your brain will justify anything when you need to score, i felt so entitled to other peoples stuff, that they had probably had to save up for (and for the most part i technically didn't steal anything lol, got other people to do that, i located stuff for them to steal and sold it on). got some karma getting my bass guitar stolen, really made me realise what actually i had been doing.

nzn- how on earth did you smoke crack for 'a few hours a day' and not end up smoking crack continuously?!?!? like for years i was able to have the odd crack binge and be fine once i'd stopped, but as soon as i started smoking every day that was it for me, i was going down and fast. and cos i was spending so much on light i didn't even bother trying not to have a dark habit, or keeping the dark to a reasonable level, because the amount that was costing me was inconsequential compared to the crack.

The weather has been great! I'd be happy for every single day in the year to have this weather. Is it just me or is it unseasonably hot and consistent for just May? I know it's late Spring but I feel like the hot days are usually more scattered than this in May? What do I know though, I'm usually high all the time!

I went through a phase when I was 20-21 when I started injecting heroin and I was put in that situation where my tolerance had gone way up during a favorable period and then the cause of that was suddenly gone so I was left with a large IV H habit I couldn't afford, no kind of prescription (this was before I had even been to my local addiction support center) and no easy way to make money - I started stealing left and right from anyone. My mum, my brother, my friends, time and time again. I can't believe they ever forgave me to be honest, considering, but eventually it all came to a head and when I was forced to withdraw I vowed (along with that I'd never use again, of course) that I'd never steal from the people I love again, and I am happy to say I did keep that vow. When my habit escalates I start shoplifting (it used to be bank fraud till I was banned from Barclays and Halifax) and I've been lucky so far that I haven't been arrested since 2017, and those charges were dropped. When you say you located stuff for them to steal do you mean you scoped out people's houses??

I was also shocked at nzn revealing smoking crack in withdrawal. When I smoked crack in withdrawal it made me feel kind of better for a few minutes and then afterwards it was all so much worse. The comedown mixed with the withdrawal which was ramped up by the stimulant - urgh. It was fucking awful. Honestly so so much worse than opiate withdrawal or a crack comedown on their own. Kind of like how when you mix coke and H together the high is more than the sum of its parts, but a hellish opposite effect. I also am amazed that they're implying that they can moderate their crack use and choose to use it for a certain amount of time each day! nzn, you have impressive self-control!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I live in Peru, cocaine is super mega cheap down here. I only smoke like 10 hits then i take a clonaz and leave it. Since it's always readily available i never really crave it. That and the fact that when you smoke too much you get diminishing returns so there's no point on wasting that much money on crack. Only the first hits are super nice.

i'm fully aware of the diminishing returns but that didn't stop me. i've been fully aware that i was so psychotic i was even scared to death of the dealers, knew i just needed to go to sleep for it to stop, and still carried on for a few more days. there was one time in my entire crack addiction that i managed to stop because of diminishing returns, cos i knew i had really fucking good crack but it was doing nothing for me, so i went to sleep for a couple of hours. all rationality about wasting money, diminishing returns, etc went out of the window. all i wanted was crack crack crack no matter the cost. so i am simply amazed that you were able to use it like that, well done for keeping it together and not letting it get out of control.


and yeah crack when you're rattling is awful. i find too much crack without heroin stressful at the best of times!!

fuck yeah how the fuck d you get bail for armed robbery? that is nuts!! does sound like a stressful situation. maybe they actually just don't have too much evidence so his legal council got him out? i had a using friend who was out in less than 24 hours for 'attempted bank robbery' (it really wasn't) but he'd had a really bright light on a thing round his neck so the cctv they had of him didn't show his face at all, just a really tall (6'8) guy wearing the only set of clothes he had, so is lawyer got him off. so maybe their evidence was shonky and he has a decent lawyer so they need to get more evidence before they can charge him.

don't let the £80 ruin your mood. it is stressful and if he stays out of prison you will have to pay it back. don't steal for it. try to trust that as long as you put the action in, you'll get the money to him, so concentrate on more important things.

i located expensive bikes, sometimes things that could be sold for scrap metal, then sold them on, at times for ridiculously cheap prices when i was desperate for money. sometimes i'd actually go out with the guy who was gonna steal them to make sure they got back to mine instead of somehow disappearing lol. i actually have some really good memories of that grafting. i was doing that over the long glorious summer at like 3, 4am, so it was already light and warm. the guy i was with would tell me to go down some road brecause he'd 'seen something' and come back with a wallet with cash in it and maybe a phone. we'd just cycle around, smoke crack without being too paranoid cos it was 4am, and get enough so i wouldn't have to sell my body for a little while. i mean now i think its awful, he was always telling some unbelievable story about how he got hold of these wallets and phones and stuff, or that he just found them in the street, when i realise now he was mugging people and that was probably intensely traumatic for them, but those nights were some of the better times of me using.

i am relieved to say i never stole from my family, apart from some cash from my dad once, which thank fuck i don't think he noticed. they lived a 5 hour train ride away so i generally wasn't quite as insane once i got to them, after i'd had my long long sleep. if they'd have been close enough so i could steal the stuff then score straight away, it would likely have been a different story.

 

[yubacity]

How you doing Rio

 

[Rio Fantastic]

hey @yubacity & @chinup - how are you guys doing?

Haven't checked in for a long time because I had a relapse that lasted for practically all of June. I'm now 6 days clean, just taking my 2mg of subutex, and am beginning to claw my way out of the hole I've dug for myself. I have extra incentive to get clean since I'm back at work on the 13th & I am just so thankful that I've had these last few days without any real obligation hanging over me. I don't know how the fuck I would have had to handle coming off the crack & heroin if I had to work at the same time, so thankfully I've managed to get a grip just in time. I know that I still won't be feeling fantastic when I go back, but at least I'm on the right path again.

I've had to take some measures to stop this relapse. I attempted to stop it a couple of times, but a really pushy dealer kept calling me after I stopped going to him for a day or 2 to offer me free samples, so I've given my mum my phone & card again until I know that I'm strong enough to avoid temptation myself. Of course, if I was really determined those impediments wouldn't stop me, but the extra hassle of trying to score without them is just another barrier that I can use to dissaude myself when the cravings get too bad. I've got through to that weird "calm before the storm" of cravings. I haven't had a serious one for the last couple of days, but I am trying to remind myself as often as I can that they WILL come, and to get ready for them. Complacency has led to my downfall so many times before, so I am trying to remind myself of that to try to make this time different.

I really hope everyone is doing well. I've missed this place, but just couldn't face it when I was using. Coming onto the Recovery forum when I know I'm still using is just something I can't face. When I'm in the midst of it, I hate being faced with my previous sober optimistic words, since it reminds me of my failure, but now that I am trying again I'm back.

 

[nznity]

hey @yubacity & @chinup - how are you guys doing?

Haven't checked in for a long time because I had a relapse that lasted for practically all of June. I'm now 6 days clean, just taking my 2mg of subutex, and am beginning to claw my way out of the hole I've dug for myself. I have extra incentive to get clean since I'm back at work on the 13th & I am just so thankful that I've had these last few days without any real obligation hanging over me. I don't know how the fuck I would have had to handle coming off the crack & heroin if I had to work at the same time, so thankfully I've managed to get a grip just in time. I know that I still won't be feeling fantastic when I go back, but at least I'm on the right path again.

I've had to take some measures to stop this relapse. I attempted to stop it a couple of times, but a really pushy dealer kept calling me after I stopped going to him for a day or 2 to offer me free samples, so I've given my mum my phone & card again until I know that I'm strong enough to avoid temptation myself. Of course, if I was really determined those impediments wouldn't stop me, but the extra hassle of trying to score without them is just another barrier that I can use to dissaude myself when the cravings get too bad. I've got through to that weird "calm before the storm" of cravings. I haven't had a serious one for the last couple of days, but I am trying to remind myself as often as I can that they WILL come, and to get ready for them. Complacency has led to my downfall so many times before, so I am trying to remind myself of that to try to make this time different.

I really hope everyone is doing well. I've missed this place, but just couldn't face it when I was using. Coming onto the Recovery forum when I know I'm still using is just something I can't face. When I'm in the midst of it, I hate being faced with my previous sober optimistic words, since it reminds me of my failure, but now that I am trying again I'm back.

Dman Rio, i don't know you that much. Only from your posts but dudeeee I'm almost 3 months clean apart from 1 relapse that made me wd for 3 days only like 15 days ago. I feel so good atm, only taking clonazepam. Anyway it breaks my heart dude that you're still struggling with this shit for so many years man. When you attempt to wd what comfort meds do you use man? I didn't even did a taper, I went from 100mg IV morphine to 0 with justthe aid of clonazepam+LOPERAMIDE+900-1500mg gabapentin a day. Took like 20 days to stop sneezing and to overcome the lethargy but it was well worth it man. My life has improved a lot, i don't have to lie to my family anymore, steal 100$ bills from my dad when i'm desperate, sell my clothes, posessions, etc or begging money on the street for crack. I'm actually looking for a job atm. Haven't felt this good about myself in ages man. Carry on though bro, Don't fucking stop trying please. it took me 6 months to finally have the balls to quit but it was so worth it in the end. XX man, NZN(nick)