64tf said:
I'm taking this in a separate post because it's a bit off topic, but still something I want to address.
I can not stress enough how important it is that a woman be confident. The importance of pounds, and inches pales in comparison to confidence. I'm not real observant about weight. I can easily over look it if my girl gains many pounds, but I notice quickly when her confidence goes down. I like it when my girl eats right and goes to the gym. Not so much because I can tell a difference in her body, but because I can tell the difference in her attitude. When she's working out, and feeling good about herself she dresses sexier, becomes more aggressive in bed, and seems to be all around happier. I think women with stronger self images do better than women of a particular body style.
While I'm on my soap box I'd like to take a second to comment on self- loathing. There are few things in this world less attractive than seeing someone put themselves down. It's common for women to do this with weight, but men do it to, and people need to understand the dangers of this habit. Self-loathing is extremely detrimental to a person’s mental well being. It's one thing to want to improve yourself. It's a completely different matter when you are just beating yourself up.
Beyond that it has a very negative impact on the people around you. Self inflicted criticism is often more detailed, and precise than what the outside observer would really notice. Often times a person will bring something to light that would have been overlooked if they hadn't said anything. Particularly if the subject is discussed often.
Self loathing also brings down the mood situation very quickly. Even if the other person tries to reassure the person in question it's probably not going to go well. Nobody wants to be around the person who is beating themselves up because it really doesn't go anywhere.
The self filling prophecy element is probably the most dramatic effect of self loathing. If you say you’re smart. People will believe you’re smart. You will believe your smart, and you will excel at things smart people do. Your words are directly linked to your self image, and the way others view you. Think carefully about what you say about yourself, because it will become the truth of who you are.
This goes beyond weight, and beyond the scope of this thread, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to say here for a while.
Sorry for the long quote, but I'd just like to applaud that whole post (and not just because 64tf and I kiss each other's butts on a regular basis
- if I disagreed with something he said, I'd point that out too).
I have had two major weight loss efforts during my current relationship. During the first one, I was a MAJOR, unequivocal, pain in the prosterior to be around. I would whinge and whine if I'd gained a kilo or so, I would complain about being "fat" but not actually exercise, and I would snap at my poor boy if he so much as suggested a takeaway. Once, I had my serving of 10 pretzels in a little bowl, and he took one: I completely over-reacted and went off my head at him, because it was my "diet food" and how dare he pinch one of my "very meagre" portion of food, when he could eat a bag of Dorito's if he so pleased. 8( Man, I was an absolute nightmare.
Not surprisingly, he noticed my weight more, and the more I put myself down, the more it became an issue - not (bless his soul) ever to the extent that RiseGurl has experienced, but, my lack of confidence opened up a cesspool of issues for both of us.
I can laugh at myself now, because I've worked out the secret. It's not about losing weight, it's about gaining confidence in being yourself.
Now, I'm trying to lose a few kilos again - BUT I'm being realistic about it. I'm being personally accountable. And when I come home and I've done "bad" that week, I just brush it off and learn from it. Consequently, my boyfriend's whole attitude has changed. He's complimenting me left right and centre - more so than he ever did when I mangaged to be "skinny", but NEUROTIC.
I've noticed a change in other people's attitudes too - men and women. My weight is simply not an issue for me anymore; my health is. And that reflects in my general attitude, and mirrored back to me, is my own attitude in others.
I guess what I'm saying is the change has to happen within yourself: but it doesn't hurt to have an understanding partner.
RiseGurl has said she is proud of herself and basically happy with who she is. I think it is a great shame that her boyfriend can't look past his own self and applaud that - because THAT's what's going to guarantee a healthy, happy girlfriend. *Not* excerbating her insecurities with thoughtless criticism.
