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My 1st actual attempt after many thoughts

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rxqueen02

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 3, 2016
Messages
25
Hello, everyone. I've been a constant researcher of this website for information for years. So thank you to all that has helped me with the questions I've had.
I recently decided to join due to a few factors. I have had hit rock bottom, essentially. Last night, I attempted for the first time, a possible OD. I had to miss my job due to this & therefore, may not have one anymore having a bad absence record. I am now very upset with myself for not just sucking it up and going & not attempting this. it is a very good job.
I'm only asking for some support thru this difficult time. Thank you. I feel so stupid for sabotaging my life. If you guys have any suggestions or options as to how I can salvage myself, would be very much appreciated. Sorry this is such a long post. there is so much more detail but I'll just leave it at this unless anyone has questions. I'm very alone right now. just anyone who's willing to talk to me, would be amazing.
 
Were here to listen (read ;-) ) xxx at the very least even if we cannot offer any immediate solutions. Was this a deliberate suicide or self harm attempt or are you just somewhere lost in the middle....

It sounds like you have genuine values that you wish to hold on too regarding your work. I hope that your employer is as just supportive towards this, regardless of general job satisfaction, and that you have approachable occupational health service that may be able to help.

You may find our recovery section forums helpful >>>> http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/268-Recovery-Support regardless of the specific nature of your problems as the moderators are absolutely fantastic and have much experience with members in a similar rut, and can be infinitely more helpful with this than myself.

Welcome to the site. I hope that we can be of some help during this difficult period for you even if it's just a 'safe space' to anonymously vent xxx
 
Hitting rock bottom means you have nowhere left to go but upward.
I have been where you are. Im still trying to get better.
I think the fact that you feel horrible about what you did is a good sign.
Losing a job isn't all that big of a deal when you consider it could have been your life that was lost too.
Try to get some help. IF you have any questions about recovery or how to get help please ask.
Take care xx
 
First time poster Stee :)
I was just looking through the newb section and this caught my eye.
Thank you for your warm welcome x
 
Welcome to Bluelight, rxqueen. You will find lots of support in the Recovery forums. Looking forward to seeing you there!<3
 
Thank you all so very much. All your responses have truly warmed my heart. I am seeing where I'm at tomorrow in regards to my employment but the fact of the matter is, I can't exactly tell them why I became so very ill bc I work in a mental health hospital so I feel very weak.
I have college degrees so it should be fairly easy to find another job but I need to get clean for a few weeks. To answer the question of whether it was a self harm attempt: no. I just wanted to feel better & cope but alas it just made me feel shitty.
I do have a counseling appt in a few weeks as well & yesterday would've been nice to see someone but this was the earliest they could get me in.
thank you all so much for the support :)
 
How are you feeling rx?
The first few days after an OD can be pretty rough, depending on what you took as to how fast you will recover.
Working in Mental Health would be hard, particularly if you are struggling in your own self.
You don't have access to any services tht you could us for yourself?
If you dont mind me asking, is it substance abuse issues or are there also underlying mental health problems?
I have substance abuse issues along with ptsd.... unsure if my biggest problem is the drug use or the all round mental fuckedupness that comes with ptsd haha
Probably some big vicious cycle I'm stuck in... soz rambling haha

Anyways I found admitting to myself, honestly, not just saying the words, that I have a problem was freeing. i also confided in my partner.... who was very understanding. i did have to give up work... unsure when I will be back but its important to stay on top of your mental/emotional state regardless of your issues.

Im new to this forum too but if you need a cheerleader, or someone to vent to, heck anything at all please let me know.

Addiction/mental health problems are a lonely existence but sometimes having someone else to be alone with is good for the soul.

Be safe, take care and try not to define yourself by one singular action/mistake.

I have walked (and probably will again walk) the path you are on right now so just wanted you to know that I care about you & that you do matter.

We can do this x
 
Thank you for getting back to me, Bella. You are most definitely correct saying that post-od, days following, are the absolute worst.
I do have a counseling session set up but it's over a week and a half away and if I don't have a job, I won't be able to afford the health insurance. Idk exactly what triggered this depressive state. It is addiction fueled mostly, But I've been severely depressed in the past and that was before I'd ever tried drugs. Anyway, I guess I can kiss my anti-anxiety/subox treatment program goodbye w/o insurance. So that's been giving me more reason to wonder whether it's worth even trying anymore.
I teared up reading this, I don't have too much support thru this. Half of my family are more worried about me losing my job, the other half are pissed off that my job put me in this state.
 
People never really get it unfortunately.
They do believe that having mental health problems does lead to substance abuse so maybe the problem was always there?
Do you really think that telling your employers whats going on will mean you lose your job?
Sounds like you really are alone in this, where family support is concerned.
Is it possible anti-anxiety meds simply aren't enough for you?

I find I drink more now that I try not to get high too often.... I'm also taking phenibut so I've just switched my highs basically lol

In the short term get some b-vits and fish oil to try help get you through the fog.

Have you always felt this low? I only ask because I had 3 attempts at my life within a week, first 2 were OD's and the state I was in after, mentally, was absolutely brutal. I only ask this as you may feel a bit better about things in a few days once your head has settled.
 
I'm sorry for the late reply, Bella. I'm doing okay. just taking everything day by day ya know. I feel a tad better but still a bit just apathetic, ya know. Lethargic. I'm afraid that I won't have health insurance benefits anymore which will mean I will no longer receive my treatment, but will hopefully still be able to receive my anti anxiety medicine. Or find my own insurance. Yesterday was somewhat busy and saw some friends, got out of the house, so my mind was at least preoccupied if only for a little bit. I've recently started journaling again just to like, at least put thoughts To paper & maybe am able to look back & see how far I've made it (hoping).

yes, I've had low points in my life & a lot of the time they're just ruts that I've been able to get out of. Thank you, Bella for your concern. it really does mean so much to have an unbiased person to talk to that's been thru similar situations. Thank you for caring :) Please keep me posted on how you're doing as well. Even though I'm unable to help myself, I love to talk/listen to others & give my best advice. It's not only my profession, though I'm not an LPC (yet). If I can help someone, make a small impact, it keeps me going.
Best xo
 
I'm glad to hear you have been busy and getting out and about. sitting and thinking is always a massive downfall when you are at a low point.

I sometimes run until I want to spew when my anxiety is being a biatch.

When will you know about your job?
I hope you can keep up your insurance. In Aus the healthcare system is amazing I forget how hard it is for some.

Hope this reply finda you well x
 
Well, luckily I was able to keep my job so I'm very thankful. I'm just under strict rules as to calling off.
Unfortunately I do lose my benefits; the US is awful about healthcare. I'm extremely envious of the fact that most every other country has uninversal healthcare/education.
The amount of debt I'm in on both accounts will take my entire life to pay off.
This country is all about profiting though ya know, charging 10x the amounts necessary to receive medical treatment & even being treated awful if they know you don't have insurance. I mean I do love my country, but even most that love it here, will agree how greedy & corrupt our politicians are. :/

All the best xo
 
Oh no! why did you lose your benefits? Thats so so rough! I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you kept your job. Are you happy to still work there?
How are you feeling? Any better? its a bit surreal after an attempt. Like you know you need to reevaluate but it doesn't seem real. You almost pretend to yourself that it was an accident or a one off etc.
If you need to talk I'm always here. Talking to a random person can sometimes help I guess. You can be honest and receive honest responses as its basically just pixels on the screen lol
 
Still ok lovely lady? If my questions are too personal you can tell me to shut up!
Hope you're okay xx
 
hey Rx queen don't let anyone tell you losing a job isn't important it can be devastating, I lost a job of over 10 years due to my addiction and I haven't recovered. Everybodys right get the treatment you need and I'm glad you survived the od. all I'm saying is take pride in your job It is important. good luck and take care,lukster2016.
 
I am soooo sorry I hadn't replied! Well I'm working on myself. I still have a lot of self evaluation to do. But yeah, positivity is so very fleeting these days. I'm trying my best to prove myself and show my consistent work ethic will stay. Thank you, Bella. and thank you to lukster as well.

I'll keep everyone posted. :) Hopefully I can only go up from here and some opportunities present themselves soon.
 
We almost have the same number of posts! I know what it's like to O.D, it sucks and no one seems to care, thanks bluelight
 
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