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Moved in a flat with boring flatmates

introversion/extroversion is not the issue

shared drink/drug use bonds a house quickly BUT the most important thing is a shared living space with a tv where there are couches (sofas) and people can chill together.

without a shared area people have to go into each others rooms and unless you know each other well or get pissed up or mandy'd then some people will find that an infringment.

shared living room with tv for the win!!!
 
you are going to have to take the initiative here....maybe they're actually busy.


my house-mate ethic is something i've been considering a lot lately. I always thought of myself as the ideal roommate: i do m dishes as they're used, i remain clean and organized, i'm an A student, i keep the party away from home and I appreciate some good company...but it is very easy for me to get wrapped up in my own world, and i find that a well-developed social relationship with housemates can make life a lot easier and enjoyable.

i'm the type that doesn't so much unless i feel i really have something significant to say, but i also love converse with others even when they are doing most of the talking.

Again, it may be up to you to get what you want out of your relationship with your housemates. Who knows, maybe they feel the same way but are too shy to take the initiative to speak up more often?

I'm still debating whether or not I want to live on my own next year....
 
Have you tried talking to them or seeing if they want to hang out socially? Or if you really don't like living with them see if you have any friends who want a new roommate? Based on what you wrote about them they do not seem that bad. I have friends who had roommates/housemates from hell who would steal stuff, get drunk and break stuff, have major fights with a girlfriend that the police would have to be called to intervene, and major control issues over nothing would arise.
 
laVoix said:
And why someone would like to keep a roommate level relationship??

Btw I am studying here also, but with good organization.....
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I guess its a don't shit where you eat kind of thing as mentioned already. Plus some students can be flat out crazy so sometimes if people have dealt with these types of roommates before and are in a situation where a quiet study space is necessary they just keep to themselves to avoid any potential drama that may or may not evolve. A toxic home space really infects everything, especially if you need to bust your ass for studying.

Though on the flipside everyone needs study breaks and human contact and people you can communicate with and have fun with is kind of a necessity, especially while studying. Do they socialize a fair amount when they are out of the house? They might just be really shy or socially awkward people. For an icebreaker you could always say your making burgers or something and picking up beer or something and see if they're interested. A drink or two really helps shy people come out of their shell. Or maybe some mario kart. They might just be odd balls though.
 
nooneanymore said:
There's just too much risk invovled in trying to get to know roommates because if it doesn't work out (or you find that you really hate them) then you're whole living arrangement "aka home" is screwed up...

The same logic applies when I turn away from trying to get co-workers. I give my co-workers nothing and look for nothing in return. I could work where I work for ten years and nothing would change.

It the classic, don't shit wear you eat.
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so dont be friendly to those you live with or people that you work alongside

what a barrel of laughs you must be:|
 
99% of humans aren't extroverted. There are people who are and aren't.
I'm not saying that people should be rude.
I'm just saying that he doesn't have to be best friends with his flatmates. Can't he find somewhere else to go? NONE of my flatmates wanted to be friends with me. It doesn't mean anything. They had their own friends and I have my own friends. Not wanting to make friends with your flatmates is perfectly fine and *normal*. If you really want to make friends, try expanding your horizons and go besides your two or three flatmates. That will give you a MUCH higher chance of meeting people. In fact - go to a place where people like to be social. That will give you an even better chance to meet people!
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I think you’re correct that introverts and extroverts are evenly distributed, and I agree with your advice that the OP should go where people like to be social, but you neglect the fact that for most of history there has been a natural check on introversion – namely we were forced to be social simply to survive and prosper. I’m not saying we have to be successful in being best friends with those we share close quarters with, but we should give being friends with those we share space with but don’t share obvious life philosophies with a chance, and that means talking to our "neighbors." What the OP describes regarding his roommates behavior is hostile insularity e.g. going around with ear buds in, gaze to the floor, doing for me and letting you do for you. That’s not being open to social options, and isn’t OK.
shared living room with tv for the win!!!
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Agreed, sitting around a TV and talking shit is the closest modern equivalent to a village fire.
 
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psood0nym said:
Agreed, sitting around a TV and talking shit is the closest modern equivalent to a village fire.
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its easy for extroverts and introverts to sit together without too much expectation of a forced conversation. this leads to people chilling out and thats how relationships slowly begin to form. you cant force friendships rapidly or it makes them fake

you need a communal area where you all can relax and eat dinner together with the tv on chatting shit about the nobheads on come dine with me or how fat the guy in man VS food is
 
rangrz said:
^

I dunno... maybe it's not a perfect comparison, but I've always been friends/bros with my fellows in the barracks. It's hard not to be and its weird if someone is not social with everyone else in there. It makes them seem untrustworthy and shit, and makes you not wanna work as a team. etc.
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That's great that you are. It goes to show that some people are and some people aren't.

I personally have never wanted to be friends with my flatmates. Why?
First, none of them used drugs. I had to hide my drug use. So that was already enough of my life that was "hidden".
Second, I did/do amateur porn. When I'm doing "work" in my bedroom, I don't want people coming in and bothering me. I also don't want them to know what I'm doing.
Third, what am I going to talk to them about? There was a TV and living room in some of my places but I never just went and sat in front of the TV with them. I had other things to do (work, school, etc.).

I'm not saying there is anyone wrong with either way. I'm just trying to say that people who don't want to be friends with their flatmates aren't "bad" people or even weird. It's fine. It's normal. There are lots of people in other places where you can make friends.
 
^Heh heh, Ok, you're excused for being standoffish because of the whole needing to hide your smut pedaling operation from those who allow you to share hand towels with them thing, I just ask that you disinfect their bathroom if you use it for a bukkake shoot. Also excused: organ smuggling hobbyists and freelance abortionists.
 
Wow, I wish I would've had flatmates like that. Mine were noisy, obnoxious, rude slobs. I don't think flatmates have any sort of obligation to become great friends or hang out with each other. I'm introverted and when I shared a house I was in my room all the time. Some people just like being by themselves, especially at home because that's where you go to chill when your done at work or whatever.

You ask why people have to be complicated but you're the one who seems complicated to me. Making odd hints such as leaving the door open or singing loudly. If one of my roommates left their bedroom door open I wouldn't see it as an invite to pop in and chat with them. I see a bedroom as a very personal space, more so if you share a house. You seem to think of them negatively so why do you want to be friends with them anyway?

If you really do want to get to know them then go talk to them, let them know you want to be friends. Don't try to give hints and then be frustrated that they don't get them. If you want something done take initiative.
 
there is no obligation to become friends but how about being friendly. not the same thing

courtesy and having a chat is the basic level of social skill you should engage with those you live with
 
Sure, it's common courtesy and I certainly was never rude to my roommates.

But if they don't want to even exchange pleasantries that's their choice, it's not a requirement.
That's what you get when you have roommates.

Such is life.
 
spare9 said:
Sure, it's common courtesy and I certainly was never rude to my roommates.

But if they don't want to even exchange pleasantries that's their choice, it's not a requirement.
That's what you get when you have roommates.

Such is life.
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maybe i'm a douche but i feel you (i) need to make the effort to get a social feeling going. otherwise whats the point.

were they living in the same bedroom as you?
 
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llama112 said:
That's great that you are. It goes to show that some people are and some people aren't.

I personally have never wanted to be friends with my flatmates. Why?
First, none of them used drugs. I had to hide my drug use. So that was already enough of my life that was "hidden".
Second, I did/do amateur porn. When I'm doing "work" in my bedroom, I don't want people coming in and bothering me. I also don't want them to know what I'm doing.
Third, what am I going to talk to them about? There was a TV and living room in some of my places but I never just went and sat in front of the TV with them. I had other things to do (work, school, etc.).

I'm not saying there is anyone wrong with either way. I'm just trying to say that people who don't want to be friends with their flatmates aren't "bad" people or even weird. It's fine. It's normal. There are lots of people in other places where you can make friends.
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And who knows, you never actually showed them those 'hidden' sides of you, maybe they also had similar passions, but due to all of you being too concerned about showing true yourself you never got to know each other.
I'd for instance be pretty cool with drug use, making porno or whatever.
And for maybe some parts of the USA and Africa, in the rest of the World imho is pretty impossible to make friends if you don't already have some friends to start with...
 
spare9 said:
If you really do want to get to know them then go talk to them, let them know you want to be friends. Don't try to give hints and then be frustrated that they don't get them. If you want something done take initiative.
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Really??
What other kind of initiative can I take?
I invited the dude for burgers, he doesn't want to go. I said I'll bring them to you home, he said no I'm fine.
The first girl has some panic disorders whenever I see her....Rushing all the time and the only thing she says is "Hello" when I deliberately stand in the corridor when she's entering...
The second one is an even bigger bitch, once I was knocking on her door to ask something and as nobody replied I tried to open the door for the knob to see if she's inthere, and yes she was in her bed and said I'm molesting her and violating her precious privacy...Right...I wish they'd leave their bones inside without anyone to even knock there until they become a shitty goo filled with worms...

So, yes, the thread is still alive!
 
laVoix said:
And who knows, you never actually showed them those 'hidden' sides of you, maybe they also had similar passions, but due to all of you being too concerned about showing true yourself you never got to know each other.
I'd for instance be pretty cool with drug use, making porno or whatever.
And for maybe some parts of the USA and Africa, in the rest of the World imho is pretty impossible to make friends if you don't already have some friends to start with...
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Yeah, I was safe and didn't tell them about drug use or porn. There was a much bigger chance it could turn out poorly. I don't tell people about porn because I don't want to lose my job. Telling my flatmates could therefore cause me to lose my job. Talking about drug use with them could result in a lot worse than that. Especially when you hear them talking about how terrible weed is. They were fine people but I was not going to risk losing my job or anything just by getting to know them.

And FYI it is possible to make friends if you don't already have friends. I can easily make friends when I go out by myself. And I'm not even a super social person.

laVoix said:
Really??
What other kind of initiative can I take?
I invited the dude for burgers, he doesn't want to go. I said I'll bring them to you home, he said no I'm fine.
The first girl has some panic disorders whenever I see her....Rushing all the time and the only thing she says is "Hello" when I deliberately stand in the corridor when she's entering...
The second one is an even bigger bitch, once I was knocking on her door to ask something and as nobody replied I tried to open the door for the knob to see if she's inthere, and yes she was in her bed and said I'm molesting her and violating her precious privacy...Right...I wish they'd leave their bones inside without anyone to even knock there until they become a shitty goo filled with worms...
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Get some friends elsewhere. Seriously. Don't bug your flatmates.

The guy - maybe he didn't want to bother you. Maybe he wasn't hungry.
The first girl - she has a panic disorder. So she's probably shy and anxious.
The second girl - yes you are violating her privacy by walking into her room uninvited. that is just rude.

If you want friends so badly, go out and find friends. If you want advice on where to find friends - here you go - clubs, bars, school, work, park, book store/library, volunteering, activities (clubs/hobbies), sports, coffee shop, online. Try one of those instead of bugging your flatmates.
 
llama112 said:
The guy - maybe he didn't want to bother you. Maybe he wasn't hungry.
The first girl - she has a panic disorder. So she's probably shy and anxious.
The second girl - yes you are violating her privacy by walking into her room uninvited. that is just rude.

If you want friends so badly, go out and find friends. If you want advice on where to find friends - here you go - clubs, bars, school, work, park, book store/library, volunteering, activities (clubs/hobbies), sports, coffee shop, online. Try one of those instead of bugging your flatmates.
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Very well said.
 
Tude said:
Very well said.
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I work in a small office full of people out my age, and this is to be considered volunteering. Beside that, here the culture of 'volunteering' is dead and everyone saw as doing something like that is considered as nuts or potential spy.

Online is still under high stigma and 90% of guys trying to pick up girls...So that leaves only bars/malls/coffeeshops where people usually go in pack, and besides never since I'm here I noticed anyone approaching anyone else in a mall or something, nor anyone ever approached me....
 
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