moth & butterfly

[WordyOne]

I
I have a fidgety
grey
moth
in my ear,
it lets me
hear
the suction
of the sea -
the roar,
waves
perforating
upon the rocks,
stocking
the miniature
pools with
new fish
II
I've got the glimpse
of the butterfly
disappearing
into my ear,
as it goes
to spread
its wings
into dreams.
Any comments on this poem, critical or otherwise, would be much appreciated. I think it needs to grow - it is just a seed atm. Thanks! - Wordy

 

[Raz]

I really liked this...I don't know that it needs any work, though it reads like the start of something larger, like it's going somewhere.
The structure of it is like a dream or a melody...it's soft and it evokes some surreal imagery, but it feels meaningful.
I hope that all makes sense, it's late and I'm kind of punchy...good work anyways!
--Raz--
[ 05 January 2003: Message edited by: Raz ]
[ 05 January 2003: Message edited by: Raz ]

 

[WordyOne]

Wow! Thanks Raz, your comments are very much appreciated.

it's soft and it evokes some surreal imagery, but it feels meaningful.
Funny, I think that's a pretty good description of the style I am aiming for, in this piece and elsewhere.
I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say it could become part of a larger work.
Cheers,
Wordy