Monotonous Life

[GillyWin]

Cusp of morning,
the reality haunts us,
progressively ,
we must engage in new ventures.

Light of day,
remberance finds us,
warily,
the priorities of the day unfold.

Amidst time,
we find ourselves,
Constantly,
Trying to escape it's measures.

Afternoon uncertaintity,
objectives in the horizon,
unfullfilled,
Hoping for a better end.

Completion of a manufactured day,
fuck it,
Why should timing rule our lives.

Sleep, the eternal dream we wait for,
blissful,
In its unexpected onset.

just written unedited please feel free to comment harshly

 

[GillyWin]

needs to be longer i think

 

[cherub]

good write but maybe a stanza more to finalize the poem if not just leave it then, it sounds dreamy though with your imagery good choice of words!

 

[skjalff]

i like it as it is.. i actually think it concludes quite nicely.. but i wouldnt mind it to be a little longer, I really enjoy the rithm...
good job!



skjalff

 

[onetwothreefour]

Originally posted by GillyWin
Completion of a manufactured day,
fuck it,
Why should timing rule our lives.

personally, i think the perceived "problem" with this poem is the fact that it peaks in the second-last stanza. in my opinion it is in this which all of the poem's meaning resides, and i think that's fine. the last stanza really tapers off, but its thoughtful rather than a cop-out.

plus, anyone talking about the pointlessness of "manufactured day" is always gonna have me. it's so true; all we do is manufacture our lives to pretend to feel happy.

but it's sort of positive too: "why should timing rule our lives[?]"

i like it. keep writing

 

[Synapse999]

the concept, is really great. you can feel what it is, but wanting it to continue longer....

the start of it, just got me. I wish i could write along that same concept heh

 

[monkeyjunky]

one of two good poems that ive read on bluelight:D
and i think the only one that hasn't been overtly egocentric.
what do you intend by changing the form at the end?
good stuff

 

[cxsx]

it's perfect, really.

 

[NickyJ]

Very very good Gilly:D

 

[NickyJ]

fuck

 

[onetwothreefour]

 

[Raving Loony]

 

[pillsnapa]

 

[Mary Poppins]

Sleep, the eternal dream we wait for,
blissful,
In its unexpected onset.

 

[RareForm]

sad. sad. sad.

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

Indeed. A great loss.

 

[madmick19]