Project Will
Bluelighter
This was all written yesterday while very lost:
Let me start by saying that I am not in any danger. I am a 25 year old nocturnal primate. This is just me being fucked up and in a strange headspace, which I would like to have on record. Excuse any typos or incoherentcies and what have you. This is the forum equivalent to drunk dialing. Regret will ensue tomorrow and I should not be writing this for public consumption.
I have been smoking hash throughout the night and decided to take 1.5mg xanax and 3 350mg soma about two hours ago (1:00am). I have no tolerance with these substances, so needless to say this all put me in a sloppy state of mind. My brain is functioning quite different from normal. I then decided to take some MXE (like 60mg or so, also zero tolerance) under my tongue. It was delicious.
The past hour or so I have felt similar to when on dumbly high doses of ambien. I have been talking to my lamp, my dogs and whatever else I deem worthy of my words. I am speaking out loud as I write this like some kind of crazy lunatic at 3:15am. I forgot why I started writing but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now as I look over it, I feel that anyone who reads this will look at me as some kind of nutty bastard. Fuck it. This is a trip report (or probably more of a blog, although I hate the idea of blogging) so I will report my trip.
I strongly feel the physical aspects of the xanax and soma - arms and hands are wobbly, legs not doing as I command, drooling like a moron, basically I'm all fucky. I have that benzo feeling in my mouth and throat. The confusion that typically accompanies MXE might be present but I can't tell yet since it's only been like 20 minutes since I took it. The TV is talking about blood sausage. Whats the fuck? I am unable to follow what is going on. Whippets feel as they usually do - intensely auditory feedback, visual distortion and weird vibes.
As the MXE starts hitting me stronger, I am in an entirely different mindset. Almost like a mild panic numbed by the benzos. My heart is racing and I feel very awkward and self conscious. I look at my life and see all the negative and none of the positive. I try to tell myself that it is the drugs talking, but the feelings of self-worthlessness are still present. This must be the hash talking. I will flight through it.
What am I doing to myself? This is an internal battle that is far too personal to share with everyone. I am writing this for me, so please do not tear me apart if you read it. I am a strong willed person who is often described as "grounded" or having a "solid head on his shoulders." Not right now though. I am weak. A piece of worthless shit. I am experiencing some intensely negative thought loops and need a break.
Smoke break...
I just smoked a cigarette and it sent my pulse sky high. I am feeling no panic though, likely due to the xanax. My mind is in a good place right now, quite content with how I feel and enjoying myself. The previous paragraph was written 15 minutes ago, and since then I have made a 180. All is well. My mental state has been enveloped by the MXE - confused but content. Physically numb and so beautifully euphoric. I am falling in love with MXE.
Somehow this weird combination of drugs has not ruined my writing skills. I have stopped talking to lamps and dogs as I feel less connected to them than I did earlier. I contribute this to the MXE, not sobering up. Somehow it is 4:08am and I am not sure where the last two hours went.
This experience was really good and kind of odd. I enjoyed myself from what I remember. The xanax was consistently part of this experience. Once the MXE kicked in, it fought with the xanax over what kind of high I am experiencing. Xanax was the bull fighter, MXE was the bull, hash was the rodeo clown and nitrous was the guy in the crowd blasting the air horn.
Was this safe? I hope so, because I would like to do it again.
...
I lay here sinking into my bed 140mg MXE at 7:45am my girl next to me. Thoughts are changing rapidly up and down. Machines are outside grabbing trash and it fills me with dread. All is falling backwards and I lost the last 2 hours. I am comfortable and numbly laying in bed right now. The windows have light in them but everything is so upside down right now. I love this.
Let me start by saying that I am not in any danger. I am a 25 year old nocturnal primate. This is just me being fucked up and in a strange headspace, which I would like to have on record. Excuse any typos or incoherentcies and what have you. This is the forum equivalent to drunk dialing. Regret will ensue tomorrow and I should not be writing this for public consumption.
I have been smoking hash throughout the night and decided to take 1.5mg xanax and 3 350mg soma about two hours ago (1:00am). I have no tolerance with these substances, so needless to say this all put me in a sloppy state of mind. My brain is functioning quite different from normal. I then decided to take some MXE (like 60mg or so, also zero tolerance) under my tongue. It was delicious.
The past hour or so I have felt similar to when on dumbly high doses of ambien. I have been talking to my lamp, my dogs and whatever else I deem worthy of my words. I am speaking out loud as I write this like some kind of crazy lunatic at 3:15am. I forgot why I started writing but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now as I look over it, I feel that anyone who reads this will look at me as some kind of nutty bastard. Fuck it. This is a trip report (or probably more of a blog, although I hate the idea of blogging) so I will report my trip.
I strongly feel the physical aspects of the xanax and soma - arms and hands are wobbly, legs not doing as I command, drooling like a moron, basically I'm all fucky. I have that benzo feeling in my mouth and throat. The confusion that typically accompanies MXE might be present but I can't tell yet since it's only been like 20 minutes since I took it. The TV is talking about blood sausage. Whats the fuck? I am unable to follow what is going on. Whippets feel as they usually do - intensely auditory feedback, visual distortion and weird vibes.
As the MXE starts hitting me stronger, I am in an entirely different mindset. Almost like a mild panic numbed by the benzos. My heart is racing and I feel very awkward and self conscious. I look at my life and see all the negative and none of the positive. I try to tell myself that it is the drugs talking, but the feelings of self-worthlessness are still present. This must be the hash talking. I will flight through it.
What am I doing to myself? This is an internal battle that is far too personal to share with everyone. I am writing this for me, so please do not tear me apart if you read it. I am a strong willed person who is often described as "grounded" or having a "solid head on his shoulders." Not right now though. I am weak. A piece of worthless shit. I am experiencing some intensely negative thought loops and need a break.
Smoke break...
I just smoked a cigarette and it sent my pulse sky high. I am feeling no panic though, likely due to the xanax. My mind is in a good place right now, quite content with how I feel and enjoying myself. The previous paragraph was written 15 minutes ago, and since then I have made a 180. All is well. My mental state has been enveloped by the MXE - confused but content. Physically numb and so beautifully euphoric. I am falling in love with MXE.
Somehow this weird combination of drugs has not ruined my writing skills. I have stopped talking to lamps and dogs as I feel less connected to them than I did earlier. I contribute this to the MXE, not sobering up. Somehow it is 4:08am and I am not sure where the last two hours went.
This experience was really good and kind of odd. I enjoyed myself from what I remember. The xanax was consistently part of this experience. Once the MXE kicked in, it fought with the xanax over what kind of high I am experiencing. Xanax was the bull fighter, MXE was the bull, hash was the rodeo clown and nitrous was the guy in the crowd blasting the air horn.
Was this safe? I hope so, because I would like to do it again.
...
I lay here sinking into my bed 140mg MXE at 7:45am my girl next to me. Thoughts are changing rapidly up and down. Machines are outside grabbing trash and it fills me with dread. All is falling backwards and I lost the last 2 hours. I am comfortable and numbly laying in bed right now. The windows have light in them but everything is so upside down right now. I love this.
Last edited:
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