For any that want to, or see if neccessary to help answer my questions, I will write a briefing of my story - for those that wish to skip it, it will be marked, in BOLD, w/ "Beginning," and "End."
Beginning
I started off when i was 19 by going to get treatment for depression and anxiety. To make an extremely long story a little shorter, i was put on an insanely (though probably appropriate) low dose of Klonopin. Now, i should have realized my addictive qualities when i started smoking marijuana. by the time i was RX'd klonopin, my sophomore year at college, i was selling pounds of it and smoking a sizeable amount - all with a habit that didn't start until my senior year of highschool. I, again, should have realized my potential for addiction when, within my first prescription of klonopin, i was looking up ways to buy it online. Lo and behold, within 2 weeks, i had somewhere around 200 klonopin, 200 xaxax and 200 valiums being shipped to my house - somehow i never got caught.
This addiction started and continued for about 5 months - when school started back up, i met a new friend who transferred from SC to my school, and that weeks he introduced me to oxycontin. It was occassional and expiermental, but the love affair had started. it only remained at a maintanable level because i realized how addictive it was and didn't want to be an "addict." Again, setting myself up for major addiction problems, i had decided to move into a house w/ this friend (and 2 others) for the next school year. As it can be guessed, my problem (and my friends) got progressively worse while we lived together. By christmas that year (right around my 21st birthday [turned 23 2 weeks ago) i remember blowing a grand in about 2 weeks, which at the time shocked me - though now seems almost desirable. We continued our OC problem, supported by a joint effort in selling weed, which was insanely easy, living in a college neighborhood. we were basically the dispensary. it worked out great - since financial problems weren't THAT bad, we were, for the most part, able to support our habit without terrible consequences. Then we tried heroin. It happened when our good friend died. we booked a hotel to travel to NY for the funeral, and couldn't find anything to get us through the trip. We found ourselves, 2 hours before leaving, at our buddies house who could only find us some morphine, and 1 measly dilaudid to split. we took it, saving nothing, and realizing the bind we were in. it was then that the dealer/friend offered, reluctantly (b/c he knew we held a 'stigma,' towards heroin), to get us heroin. we accepted, and made it those 2 days through the horrible funeral.
now we were a trashcan of all opiates, getting w/e. within a month, my roommate was iv'ing, but i refused and continued to sniff until the summer. we made tons of trips to south boston to cop, and my roommate would always give me ~ 1/2 a gram just for driving, which made it well worth it.come summer, my good friend told me he could get me something when i called. turned out to be tar, which is rare on the east coast. also turns out its hard to sniff, so i tried smoking it like i would an OC, didn't like it, so had my friend shoot me up. I've now been shooting for almost 2 years, using about a gram a day.
Last month, a couple days before the new year, i went into a detox. I stayed there for about 20 days, and got out mid-january. Didn't take long before i was getting high. fortunately, i didn't need to get high every day, but that didn't stop me. i've only taken a handful of days off. today is day 2 w/ nothing, and i guess i'm addicted again - i had a small piece, maybe 1/4 of a suboxone, so i don't feel entirely shitty, but i know tomorrow won't be good. Now that we are up to speed...
end
(last paragraph is kind of neccessary/brings one up to speed as to where i am now) (this next paragraph, i guess, can also be skipped- the questions are in the one following it)
So, since getting out of detox, ive been shotting ~.5/g daily, taking a day off here and there. At this point, i want to get on methadone - something i've never wanted to do before, for the main reasons people advise against it. i realize its trading addictions, that i'm still using, etc etc. but here's how i look at it: addiction is a disease - taking a pill every day is no different to me than taking something daily for blood pressure, or even despression (which i am treated for). so, while that used to make it seem bad, it really doesn't anymore - its going to help me live a normal life. its the only way i can see myself getting away from WANTING to get high every day. its the only way i see myself not feeling like complete shit (emotionally and physically). the only way i see myself going back to school, holding a job, and overall just living a normal life. even when i was, briefly, clean... i could still see how much an addict i was. i'd lie in bed depressed ALL DAY and do NOTHING except mope and think about how it'd all go away and i'd feel normal w/ just 1 shot. but its never just one shot, and i'm ready to finally end this. if that means, what some consider to be 'throwing in the towel,' admitting defeat and getting on methadone, than so be it. i do admit defeat. as heard in NA, i am POWERLESS over this addiction... but unfortunately no higher power, counseling, help, support... ANYTHING can keep me from going back to it. essentially, methadone WILL at least keep me from seeing all the major negatives that shootingg dope brought, which was - @ risk of being arrested (illegal drugs, and anything that came along w/ it - like stealing), being around the wrong peoiple/places - stealing, being strung out, no money for ANYTHING, worrying about being sick, getting fired from jobs, and in general, living the general life of a junky. it sucks having 1 thing on your mind ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. if this can end that, i'm down.
the questions:
This is a big one right now - being a junky... I want, what i want, and i want it yesterday. That being said, how long until i'm on methadone if i call a clinic tomorrow??? It seems like it takes a few days, and unfortunately, when your a dope fiend, that just doesnt do. Theres a huge chance i'll do something stupid if i have to wait, and a 100% chance i'll use -especially since tomorrow will be day 3 clean, im already going crazy tonight.
The next big one... my dad has officially cut me off, which sucks because i got his support back fully and completely lost it last week, when, like an idiot, stole something from my stepmother. my parent are divorced, my mother makes nothing and i live w/ her - i'm currently unemployed. I'm still on my dads health insurance, but the clinic didnt list mine as one that they take. Will they give financial help to me/? will they not give me support b/c i have insurance even though they dont take it? should i not tell them i have insurance? man i hope they help me out b/c they say on their site that its $90 a week. technically i can't afford even $10 a week right now, but hopefully somebody in my family will help me temporarily until i can find a job (which i dont see happening until i'm on methadone).
i guess the biggest one right now is getting on it asap, whichi dont know how long itll take. it sucks cuz my family thinks ive been clean since detox, and if they know i've used, i'm outta the house, so they can't find out. my mothers the only one left that helps me in any way now anyways, and shes so bad off that i need to find a job ASAP to help her out, so shes really in no position to help me financially for methadone.
Other than that, i'm just looking for general feedback from people - i've read over the General Methadone discussion forum or w/e it was called, but hope to get some more answers here and a little discussion. also, think it varies by state, but im curious as to how long i need to go daily to the clinic? i'm probably not going to have my license until the summer unless something drastic happens w/ my court case. again, any help is so greatly appreciated... anything to end this hell i'm living in. and it sucks because it seems the only thing stopping me is finances... somehow when im getting high, i could come up w/ $90/day no problem, never mind each week...
hope for some good replies, i sure am in need of some help and advice right now... i hit what seemed like rock bottom last month, but if i started up again it seems i can go lower... and if last month coulndt stop me, i dont think anything can
Beginning
I started off when i was 19 by going to get treatment for depression and anxiety. To make an extremely long story a little shorter, i was put on an insanely (though probably appropriate) low dose of Klonopin. Now, i should have realized my addictive qualities when i started smoking marijuana. by the time i was RX'd klonopin, my sophomore year at college, i was selling pounds of it and smoking a sizeable amount - all with a habit that didn't start until my senior year of highschool. I, again, should have realized my potential for addiction when, within my first prescription of klonopin, i was looking up ways to buy it online. Lo and behold, within 2 weeks, i had somewhere around 200 klonopin, 200 xaxax and 200 valiums being shipped to my house - somehow i never got caught.
This addiction started and continued for about 5 months - when school started back up, i met a new friend who transferred from SC to my school, and that weeks he introduced me to oxycontin. It was occassional and expiermental, but the love affair had started. it only remained at a maintanable level because i realized how addictive it was and didn't want to be an "addict." Again, setting myself up for major addiction problems, i had decided to move into a house w/ this friend (and 2 others) for the next school year. As it can be guessed, my problem (and my friends) got progressively worse while we lived together. By christmas that year (right around my 21st birthday [turned 23 2 weeks ago) i remember blowing a grand in about 2 weeks, which at the time shocked me - though now seems almost desirable. We continued our OC problem, supported by a joint effort in selling weed, which was insanely easy, living in a college neighborhood. we were basically the dispensary. it worked out great - since financial problems weren't THAT bad, we were, for the most part, able to support our habit without terrible consequences. Then we tried heroin. It happened when our good friend died. we booked a hotel to travel to NY for the funeral, and couldn't find anything to get us through the trip. We found ourselves, 2 hours before leaving, at our buddies house who could only find us some morphine, and 1 measly dilaudid to split. we took it, saving nothing, and realizing the bind we were in. it was then that the dealer/friend offered, reluctantly (b/c he knew we held a 'stigma,' towards heroin), to get us heroin. we accepted, and made it those 2 days through the horrible funeral.
now we were a trashcan of all opiates, getting w/e. within a month, my roommate was iv'ing, but i refused and continued to sniff until the summer. we made tons of trips to south boston to cop, and my roommate would always give me ~ 1/2 a gram just for driving, which made it well worth it.come summer, my good friend told me he could get me something when i called. turned out to be tar, which is rare on the east coast. also turns out its hard to sniff, so i tried smoking it like i would an OC, didn't like it, so had my friend shoot me up. I've now been shooting for almost 2 years, using about a gram a day.
Last month, a couple days before the new year, i went into a detox. I stayed there for about 20 days, and got out mid-january. Didn't take long before i was getting high. fortunately, i didn't need to get high every day, but that didn't stop me. i've only taken a handful of days off. today is day 2 w/ nothing, and i guess i'm addicted again - i had a small piece, maybe 1/4 of a suboxone, so i don't feel entirely shitty, but i know tomorrow won't be good. Now that we are up to speed...
end
(last paragraph is kind of neccessary/brings one up to speed as to where i am now) (this next paragraph, i guess, can also be skipped- the questions are in the one following it)
So, since getting out of detox, ive been shotting ~.5/g daily, taking a day off here and there. At this point, i want to get on methadone - something i've never wanted to do before, for the main reasons people advise against it. i realize its trading addictions, that i'm still using, etc etc. but here's how i look at it: addiction is a disease - taking a pill every day is no different to me than taking something daily for blood pressure, or even despression (which i am treated for). so, while that used to make it seem bad, it really doesn't anymore - its going to help me live a normal life. its the only way i can see myself getting away from WANTING to get high every day. its the only way i see myself not feeling like complete shit (emotionally and physically). the only way i see myself going back to school, holding a job, and overall just living a normal life. even when i was, briefly, clean... i could still see how much an addict i was. i'd lie in bed depressed ALL DAY and do NOTHING except mope and think about how it'd all go away and i'd feel normal w/ just 1 shot. but its never just one shot, and i'm ready to finally end this. if that means, what some consider to be 'throwing in the towel,' admitting defeat and getting on methadone, than so be it. i do admit defeat. as heard in NA, i am POWERLESS over this addiction... but unfortunately no higher power, counseling, help, support... ANYTHING can keep me from going back to it. essentially, methadone WILL at least keep me from seeing all the major negatives that shootingg dope brought, which was - @ risk of being arrested (illegal drugs, and anything that came along w/ it - like stealing), being around the wrong peoiple/places - stealing, being strung out, no money for ANYTHING, worrying about being sick, getting fired from jobs, and in general, living the general life of a junky. it sucks having 1 thing on your mind ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. if this can end that, i'm down.
the questions:
This is a big one right now - being a junky... I want, what i want, and i want it yesterday. That being said, how long until i'm on methadone if i call a clinic tomorrow??? It seems like it takes a few days, and unfortunately, when your a dope fiend, that just doesnt do. Theres a huge chance i'll do something stupid if i have to wait, and a 100% chance i'll use -especially since tomorrow will be day 3 clean, im already going crazy tonight.
The next big one... my dad has officially cut me off, which sucks because i got his support back fully and completely lost it last week, when, like an idiot, stole something from my stepmother. my parent are divorced, my mother makes nothing and i live w/ her - i'm currently unemployed. I'm still on my dads health insurance, but the clinic didnt list mine as one that they take. Will they give financial help to me/? will they not give me support b/c i have insurance even though they dont take it? should i not tell them i have insurance? man i hope they help me out b/c they say on their site that its $90 a week. technically i can't afford even $10 a week right now, but hopefully somebody in my family will help me temporarily until i can find a job (which i dont see happening until i'm on methadone).
i guess the biggest one right now is getting on it asap, whichi dont know how long itll take. it sucks cuz my family thinks ive been clean since detox, and if they know i've used, i'm outta the house, so they can't find out. my mothers the only one left that helps me in any way now anyways, and shes so bad off that i need to find a job ASAP to help her out, so shes really in no position to help me financially for methadone.
Other than that, i'm just looking for general feedback from people - i've read over the General Methadone discussion forum or w/e it was called, but hope to get some more answers here and a little discussion. also, think it varies by state, but im curious as to how long i need to go daily to the clinic? i'm probably not going to have my license until the summer unless something drastic happens w/ my court case. again, any help is so greatly appreciated... anything to end this hell i'm living in. and it sucks because it seems the only thing stopping me is finances... somehow when im getting high, i could come up w/ $90/day no problem, never mind each week...
hope for some good replies, i sure am in need of some help and advice right now... i hit what seemed like rock bottom last month, but if i started up again it seems i can go lower... and if last month coulndt stop me, i dont think anything can
