well, and like others on this thread, I've lost three engagements to my amph/,meth use, not been able to finish harvard yet, am unemployed, and have almost no friends left despite being a zen buddhist and trying to stick to moral precepts (ie. no stealing, no lying--hard!). Despite all this, I fucking love the amphetamines. They're like.... well, on them, I feel normal. I have the vision I was supposed to have from birth, I perceive and think the way I should have all along. It's only as I start coming down that I realize I was 'high'. The high itself--especially with meth, vis-a-vis the other, more peripherally-acting amphetamines like dexamphetamine or the mixed salts--is subtle, almost unnoticeable. Just, gradually, one is doing whatever one is interested in and hell, it's pretty interesting, and come to think of it, one hasn't thought of one's problems in quite a while, and think harder on it: there aren't really any big problems, and shit, your jaw hurts a bit so chew some gum. Then you start coming down and realize that idyll was supposedly 'inauthentic', a looked-down-upon 'hyperreality' that I'd trade in for reality without hesitation (and have). But see how my writing rambles? I used to be the kind of student that got A's at harvard. and now I write like this. and the acne. and this and that. i think it's worth it. but if you saw me and thought through it, you wouldn't.
the bottom line is, though, you won't think through it. or, if you're able to, then you already know the answer: you won't keep using. just the fact that you're asking means you know the answer, and it's in the negative. if you're truly hooked, you might as well admit, hook line and sinker. try to make the best of it and hell, even if addicted try to enjoy the ride. it'll be hard to do it, but try.
